Wanted to start this with my un-edited notes on the Usos promo from SmackDown this week:
THE USOS ARE CRAZY PEOPLE. THEY ARE STREET MOTHERFUCKERS. THEY WILL TALK SHIT AND THEY WILL FUCK YOU UP. OH MY GOD. THE YOU CAN’T THING. OH MY GOD. IT KEPT GOING. THIS WAS THE GREATEST PROMO. THIS WAS THE 100% BEST. IF VINCE MCMAHON DOES NOT WATCH THIS AND SEE MONEY IN THIS HE IS A DAMN FOOL.
What does the pro wrestling fan even want? What do I want? Personally I want more Usos promos.
NOTE: Aware of the blanket statement of “pro wrestling fan.” Stay with me.
Everyone’s always bantering, complaining, chanting, cheering, booing, making points, over-thinking, under-thinking, over-compensating.
To think about that, I provide a story and quote from the past because I wanna try and sound smart.
Pope Gregory sent some guys to Britain and the King of Kent to preach their religion in 596 AD. It was the first attempt at a large-scale conversion by the Catholic Church. The King didn’t allow them around him at first cause he thought they knew magic. But he sat down with them eventually and they discussed the gospel, and the King said this, from Berdge, The Venerable’s Ecclesiastical History of the English People from 597 AD:
“Your words and promises are very fair, but they are new to us and of uncertain import, and I cannot approve of them so far as to forsake that which I have so long followed with the whole English nation. But because you [traveled] far into my kingdom, and, as I conceive, are desirous to impart to us those things which you believe to be true and most beneficial, we will not molest you, but give you favorable entertainment and take care to supply you with the necessary sustenance; nor do we forbid you to preach and gain as many as you can to your religion.”
I can only imagine Triple H or Michael Hayes sitting down with a wrestling fan, armed with a brain and a Twitter account, having this exact same conversation.
They’ll hoot, they’ll holler, but just give ’em what they came for – some cool crazy wrestling and something fresh every once in a while – and the people will sit back and enjoy.
But we’re still probably gonna keep preaching. You’re running non-stop through the year – that’s on you.
As the Roman poet Juvenal wrote, “Two things only the people anxiously desire — bread and circuses.” The government kept the people happy by providing sustenance and entertainment, by giving free food and staging huge spectacles.
The top star in the WWE’s name is literally Roman. Connect the god damn dots!
Monday Night RAW is a confusing show to watch. And not in like a deep way where you’re unwrapping the insanity and looking for hints beneath the surface, but in a “C’mon man why are they doing this” kind of way. SmackDown Live, meanwhile, is a simple, interesting, fun show. One where I am not confused. And if I’m not confused, it’s a lot easier to just sit back and enjoy the wrestling.
The trend for a while now has been SmackDown is better than RAW. Wrestlers get put over, wrestlers have motivations. Thus, angles get over, feuds get over. The feuds are blown off, not killed dead. Matches are hyped up, hooks are given for each week. Promos feel looser, less scripted. Guys aren’t over-used to the point of not meaning anything (see: The Usos promo seeming so fresh and awesome).
Everything’s not perfect – it has its’ tropes, too many guys have treaded into jobber territory, Dolph Ziggler. And sometimes AJ Styles and Luke Harper blow a finish… but the issues can be forgiven when it’s just so damn fun.
As long as you can keep the people happy with a few simple things, even if there are structural problems they will mostly be forgiven.
Lately, SmackDown has been the bread – I go to it for my sustenance, the professional wrestling itch I need scratched. Good matches, hot crowds, stuff that makes sense… that’s all I really want from my wrestling. It’s such a breezy fun watch, and Talking Smack is such a great addition to it.
RAW’s the circus. 25% of it is good, 50% is decent but insignificant, and 25% is complete garbage. But it’s a god damn spectacle. So many weird decisions, such questionable presentation, and also capable of making some real stars when it wants too like a Braun, Owens, or fuck it even Roman.
I need the bread. I like it better too.
But the spectacle…
RAW (2/20/17)
This was one of those RAW’s where it’s basically a throwaway because they’ve settled on directions for Fast Lane, it’s not the go-home for Fast Lane, they aren’t really kickstarting WrestleMania feuds, and there’s still a ton of guys stuck in midcard purgatory.
Stuff at least mostly had a purpose, but the first two hours outside of the Owens promo were pretty weak, and while the third was pretty stacked, a lot of big deal stuff happened that probably should’ve felt like a bigger deal. And that’s a part of the spectacle, the WHY IS THIS HAPPENING THIS WAY, but just as much a part of the spectacle were the Kevin Owens opening promo, the Zayn/Joe/Owens angle, and the Big Show/Braun Strowman main event, all of which were completely awesome.
RAW is batting 1000 for having like two awesome things per show since the new year, but god damn is everything else around them just a blue ball of a sports entertainment show.
Kevin Owens’ opening promo was a big one – the follow-up to a big angle/turn like last week is just as important as the angle itself. Thought he knocked it out of the park. Liked the presentation, with him sitting in darkness on a chair. There was no comedy, no deadpan humor – this man is a mean, violent, and – most scary of all – calm psychopath. The “superheroes don’t exist” line was tremendous, and highly enjoyed him just verbally wrecking Goldberg before teasing addressing Jericho and walking away. Make ’em wait, baby. So good. I am now naive enough to think Owens might be walking out of Fast Lane with the strap – not fully convinced, as Mania is all about crushing the dreams of those who think they know better but probably don’t – but more convinced than I was at the start of the year. Ain’t that what it’s all about?
Cesaro/Sheamus vs. Enzo/Big Cass was decent as it had a good pace and a tremendous performance by Cesaro – doing the Enzo dance, cutting Enzo off with the uppercut, the rope-to-rope crossbody, all kinds of cool shit. He and Sheamus bumping around for Enzo sure was something. I like Enzo, I like Cass, but there needs to be a little more meat to everything going on here if I’m buying them going over.
The Kendrick/Tozawa angle was one of those things that was fine in theory but just got crickets. Follow-up on 205 Live was much better.
Reigns vs. Gallows/Anderson (PART 2!) at least had a hot crowd, but was basic filler – it happened, I watched, the world moved on. Post-match had Gallows taking the Superman punch like a champ and a wild spear off the Anderson dive. I weeped for Roman’s neck on that one.
How much did Vince enjoy “Bill Clinton breaks down in tears” being next up for discussion on the New Day TMZ Live announcement? New Day hosting WrestleMania is really best case scenario for where they are right now – where else were they headed? A 4-way tag match on the Kickoff? Sure it would be better if they had been built the last year as a team that can be a big part of the show, but we’re here now. They’ll do their shtick and hopefully something new in 2017… you’ve got to wonder what any of the 3 can be if they got more love outside of being reliable mic guys in the middle of the show. Maybe it doesn’t work, but I’d really like to see them try.
Shocked and awed that there was a Russian hacking reference on WWE television. The New Day vs. Rusev/Jinder tag had, I don’t know, a sweet dive by Kofi? Completely envious of Xavier Woods being paid to break an iPad – that looked like SO MUCH FUN!!!
Rest in Peace George Steele and Ivan Koloff. Two tremendous pro wrestlers and real throwbacks… always got the job done, always way over, just perfect at the gig. Loved Steele as the goofy guy as a kid, and loved discovering his heel run as an adult. Guy was just such a CHARACTER – the hairy back, mouth agape… the lovable oaf as a face or the cowardly oaf as a heel. And he was a TEACHER outside of the ring, how cool is that? Check out the Cage Match with him and Bruno on the Hidden Gems Collection for a fun look at him as a bad guy.
Koloff meanwhile I hadn’t seen much of until going through JCP/WCW shows from 1986 on the Network and god damn did he rule. Great promo – one of the classic Jim Crockett Promotion studio promo guys really, as he always got over like eighteen different things at once. He was a great second for Nikita, as at this point his glory years were behind him and he was fully focused on making his nephew a big star. And his squashes were always great… gave guys a little bit before crushing them like the dastardly Russian he was. And he became a MINISTER after his wrestling career, how cool is that? Haven’t seen near enough of his WWF run, but he was a pretty big deal and ended Bruno’s lengthy reign before dropping it quickly to Pedro Morales.
Neville entering, signing, and starting to leave for the contract signing with Jack Gallagher was the best. Then it kept going. Okay little segment; I like both these two just your standard WWE contract signing in front of an even quieter crowd.
Nia Jax had herself a squash and seems more confident.
There was some decent drama in the Bayley/Steph/Sasha/Charlotte segment but it went long and when watching the similar angle from SmackDown everything surrounding this was just glaringly bad. Stephanie’s on-again off-again big meanie character, Bayley and Sasha’s stilted over-scripted dialogue, THIS being the follow-up to Bayley’s big title win… all of this leading to another Charlotte vs. Sasha match after they had two Match to End All Matches. Had the crowd a bit, but not enough too.
Charlotte vs. Sasha was OK but probably their weakest main roster match outside of the SummerSlam mess – it was just a standard RAW television match. I swear, that’s a style now – two rasslers just working a familiar match through a grossness bogging them down, doing their moves in front of a suspect crowd. Better than the usual standard RAW match as they do have good chemistry, but Dana’s embarrassing slow-mo run was probably the most memorable thing here.
Charlotte, Sasha, and Bayley are over, but watching their angles tank on RAW is simultaneously soul-crushing and one of the biggest parts of the spectacle.
Highly enjoyed the whole Sami Zayn, Samoa Joe, and Kevin Owens angle. Joe looked like a killer again attacking Zayn during his entrance, and Owens was great – looking on with no emotion, then casually handing the title away to start the match. Zayn’s selling was great and Owens just squashed his ass with cannonballs and a sweet pop-up powerbomb.
Heyman/Brock interview was pretty good stuff but it is just the sixth-hundredth time they’ve done this thing. Brock looking up-close into the camera like he was just dying to start a “Brock Lesnar Is Watching You Masturbate” meme was a neat touch. Liked Heyman putting over Owens too.
The Big Show vs. Braun Strowman main event was highlight of the show. I mean WOW. This was BIG, LARGE, HUMUNGOUS MEN WRESTLING PROFESSIONALLY. THIS, truly, is the greatest part of the spectacle, the peak of the circus. And they didn’t just lumber around and hit some shoulder tackles and splashes – they had a MATCH. A WRESTLING MATCH. They worked a wristlock! Braun kipped up! Near falls! Superplex teases!! Braun was moving well and Show was bumping big, really putting Braun over. They worked this as such a logical Meeting of the Giants type of match match – nice exchanges early to establish that they’re both powerful, Show being a vet and pushing Braun with his foot hooked behind him (nice catch by Cole), and then the young giant that is Braun taking over. Liked that Braun kept kicking out right at 2 for stuff too – made him seem like that much bigger of a deal. Such a dramatic damn finish. A great giant match can be the best kind of match.
And then Roman beat up Braun because, well. Spectacle.
SMACKDOWN (2/21/17)
SmackDown was great, a show just overflowing with progression towards WrestleMania. They have a lot of time to spend on these feuds before Mania which could be trouble, but everything tonight was a good sign: three great matches, logical feud progression, teases of other feuds, and incredible amazing rollercoasters of emotion. Had a lot of nice little touches too, like all the different Battle Royal promo set-ups, Breezango attacking Alpha before their match, and Orton staring down Bray’s title, that made it just a blast to watch.
The first segment with Naomi giving up the Women’s Title was just a damn heartbreaker. How in the fuck does Bayley have the same segment with Stephanie McMahon and it not have near the heat did this did? Somebody messed up. Somebody messed up bad.
Regardless, all hail SmackDown. The crowd was all about this angle – You Deserve It chants, NO chants as Bryan made the announcement, screams of NOOOO as he asked her to relinquish. What a REAL promo by Naomi, too – no overproduced BS, she accomplished a dream and now she has to give it up. It’s not forced; it’s how a human being would act. Is that it?? Is SmackDown booked for human beings and RAW is booked for, I don’t know, Wall Street? I’ll have to explore this later.
As disappointing as the injury is it’s only going to make her way more likable. Alexa Bliss entering all grinning and cocky as Naomi walked to the back dejected was INCREDIBLE. Alexa has quickly become one of the best mic workers in the company – “So… we’re kind of in a jam here, huh?” was great, her reacting to the WHAT chants was transcendent. So at this point we’ve got excitement, disappointment, heartbreak, anger. Then Bryan teases giving the title back to her to boo’s… and pops the crowd by saying no, and introduces an opponent. I mean my god this whole deal was crazy.
How hilarious would’ve it been if Carmella came out as the opponent?
Yo I love watching Becky Lynch wrestle. I also love watching Alexa Bliss putting the tools together to go along with it. Nice armdrags, working holds, and rope-running early. Alexa beatdown leads to loud Let’s Go Becky chants. Loved Lynch’s little kick combo post-commercial. This was a good match, just a good solid match. Liked how much Alexa was put over too – she’s now the girl that finds a way to win, and this was basically a clean win anyways. Good stuff.
The Battle Royal promos were SO GOOD. So unique, so in-character, so campy, so everything that is good about the World Wrestling Federation. Dean Ambrose tore up a photo of Baron Corbin’s face and put it on a wall. Dorky good-guy Luchadore Kalisto got booed. Miz cut SUCH A GOD DAMN PROMO – loved him running down all his accomplishments, hope he has that memorized and can pull it out at parties. AJ’s thing was hilarious. Ziggler superkicked a green screen! Mojo is hype. HARPER GOT A BIG REACTION. Baron Corbin has a curly mustache! And said “Why? Because Baron Corbin.”
Would Apollo Crews be a million times better if he had a British accent?
Wyatt and Orton did a thing too. Liked the sparse use of them on this show, and Orton’s deep stare into the championship as the show ended.
Breezango attacking American Alpha before the bell was so SmackDown – something so stupid and simple but something new that makes the match a little more interesting. If Breezango’s getting squashed at least they got to do SOMETHING. The AUDACITY of SmackDown Live. Assisted bulldog finish was sweet.
THE USOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a man is writing the Natalya promos that would make me very disappointed. Hope Nattie is just running with all this because it has been so awesome. The match at Elimination Chamber was kind of crap, but the Falls Count Anywhere was SO awesome. Just non-stop fun right from Nikki spearing Nattie as the bell rang. The table tease, kendo stick, brawling in the crowd, big kick off the barricade, powerbomb through the table tease, Alabama Slam all through the table, backstage brawl, A FUCKING MIRROR, and finally MARYSE – tremendous. Wasn’t so sure about Nikki going for all the pins early if she wanted to kick Nattie’s ass, but everything surrounding it was the fight you’d want from this feud. Mauro’s call of Maryse getting hit by Nikki in the match – “Natalya just drove Nikki Bella to… is that Maryse?!” was phenomenal.
Cena/Nikki vs. Miz/Maryse at Mania – yep. Let’s do it.
The Battle Royal main event was a booker’s favorite kind of match… HOW MANY STORIES WERE HERE!? How well was this sucker laid out? Everything made sense and it was a ton of fun… helps that all these characters have been well-fleshed out. 10 wrestlers, Ambrose/Corbin, Ziggler/Kalisto/Crews, Cena/Miz, Harper/Styles. And Mojo because yeah sure! IT’S SMACKDOWN.
Decent spots early, more than your usual Battle Royal. Liked Dean going right after Corbin. Kalisto got a little run before getting taken out by Ziggler, then Crews took out Ziggler and Ziggler attacked Kalisto with a chair – THEN Corbin used that distraction to eliminate Crews, who went after Ziggler. Nice freaking work. Miz went on a Daniel Bryan run before being eliminated by Cena. There were some sweet-ass exchanges once it got down to Cena, Corbin, Ambrose, Harper and Styles, and of course AJ vs. Cena was a blast. Corbin got to hit End of Days on Cena and look like a monster, and then Ambrose eliminated him. Corbin then hit the End of Days on Ambrose on the floor and Miz ran in and eliminated Cena! Cena’s reaction to being out of the Mania main event was incredible. Harper and Styles going right for the elimination when it got down to them was awesome… Harper forcing Styles over the top from the bottom rope catapult was so great. Really impressive skin the cat elimination tease by Ambrose. Absolutely cannot wait for Styles vs. Harper next week – liked their brief interaction with Styles kicking at Harper and Harper backing up but trying to fight back, and they did a tremendous job of pantomiming argument post-match.
Yeah the elimination was a little blown but as long as I have the fucking bread I am happy.
Also, if LUKELUKELUKE as a chant becomes a thing I cannot ever quit wrestling.
TALKING SMACK (2/21/17)
This was a fantastic episode of Talking Smack. How can they pack so much goodness in 25 minutes? In the first 5 minutes you’ve got Becky Lynch almost dropping a C-bomb, Becky having an interview about 3 different feuds she has right now, and Bryan saying he’d meet with Shane McMahon and Lloyd Peacock. Then, “I wanna tell Mick Foley – he can suck it!” DAN BRYAN.
Then The Usos had an interview after what might end up being my Promo of the Year. Usos as aggressive alpha males who would probably talk shit to you at a party for no reason is going to be amazing. This was just phenomenal banter between Usos and Bryan… “Yeah I’m bustin’ some bubbles!” Jimmy or Jey about to crack up when explaining their shirts: “DAY ONE-ISH… like it’s almost two… naw” was tremendous – more natural stuff like this please. Love The Usos.
Bryan and Styles together is always a winner too. “Hey AJ do you wanna talk about how the earth is flat?” “The earth is a sphere.”
“I’m not a flat earther. I’m just sayin’ – there’s some things about it that make sense.”
Then Bryan just leaves AJ to close out the show.
I LOVE THIS SHOW.
205 LIVE (2/21/17)
This was fun! 3 fun matches! Was it interesting? Ehhh. Kinda. Still though. 3 fun matches!
Tozawa vs. Kendrick was a fun angle of a match. Tozawa RULES. Did a great job going right after Kendrick, charging at him like he’d been waiting years for this. “I don’t like you! I don’t need you!” Then Kendrick took over for a bit, then Tozawa got counted out. Hope the Kobashi chops become a regular spot.
Mustafa Ali vs. Noam Dar was fun – Ali did cool shit and Dar backed off and worked the arm. Mustafa Ali is a very good professional wrestler – does impressive stuff, but the facial expressions are strong and I enjoyed him grabbing Dar’s hair and beard to bring him back in the ring too. The Ali tope off the ref and tornado DDT were sweet, and Austin Aries got in a damn Mama Bellomo reference. Think both of the first 2 matches would’ve been better off if they were just squashes – sometimes you don’t need the heel to control when the face is doing so much cool shit – just put a guy over. Either way, fun match.
Aries throwing to his own video package!! I cannot believe how hyped I am for the Aries in-ring return after the average NXT run. The commentary has been tremendous. Astounding that unless he pisses somebody off (possible…), Aries might turn into a lifer for WWE.
Tony Nese is jacked – I don’t buy this guy at 205. He vs. Jack Gallagher was a fine match – Jacky did the SHTICK and it was a good time, and then Nese got an opening with the cartwheel off the apron followed by a superkick which is always a winner. Jack sold well and did some fun stuff on the comeback – the headbutt to the tree of woe was awesome. Plus a spider german!
NXT (2/22/17)
NXT is doing a bit better lately at stacking their shows but still has issues with the lack of tender loving care that made NXT a blast previously. Nothing in years has touched things like Big E’s 5 gimmick, Bo Dallas thinking he was a face, the BFFs, Zayn/Neville, the rise of Bayley, etc. Plus using SAnitY as an anchor for the midcard and Billie & Peyton for the women’s division is not working. Still though, a tremendous match in the middle of the show this week and a big return at the end.
Remember when NXT had good wrestling matches? Pete Dunne vs. Mark Andrews was a good wrestling match. Pete is such a freak, I love it – just a god damn dirty scumbag in a gross singlet wearing a mouthpiece. Is that a foreign object in his gut though?? So much fun stuff early, this was like a Greatest Hits of their UK match with armdrags, Dunne trying to break off fingers, big spots peppered in like Andrews’ moonsault to armdrag on the outside, Dunne dodging another moonsault on the outside and nailing a nasty elbow, and Dunne hitting the nasty release suplex on the apron. Dunne just smiling through all the torture was great and Andrews is such a wildly awesome high-flyer, everything hits perfectly and makes weird sense. The early stuff was a hair below the UK tourney match and didn’t have the heat it did, but fuck did that finish get AWESOME. The reverse rana, Bitter End inside cradle counter, backflip to DDT setup – so much great stuff here that had Full Sail flipping out. So many great near falls. The Stunner > SSP > KNEES!!! > Biter End finish as SO good. The UK guys as special attractions is a neat way to go, but the selfish part of me just wants them integrated in stories already. Especially Pete. Definitely Pete.
3-way Women’s Title #1 match was kind of trash. The tilt-a-whirl headscissors was cool, Peyton’s Fisherman’s bridge was nice, whatever. Just kind of an unconvincing mess, not my bag.
I am fully prepared for Patrick Clark to appear next week then disappear for 4 months because NXT.
Bobby Roode vs. No Way Jose was a basic match, like the midcard babyface vs. champ gimmick but it came off as your run-of-the-mill Main Event match. Like parts of Roode, but he doesn’t really wrestle as a CHAMPION, yanno? His bump off the Jose punch was awesome at least.
The Kassius Ohno debut/return was fun if not a bit off – not buying him as the next big babyface. “I am Kassius Ohno and I ain’t nothing to mess with” does not instill confidence, nor does the whole “they know who I am….” shtick. Throwing the shoe was cool, at least. Here’s hoping, but it didn’t feel BIG. Oh no.
MAIN EVENT (2/21/17)
I know SmackDown has 205 Live after it but with so many guys doing nothing on SmackDown (Breezango, Vaudevillains, Hawkins, Mojo… is Swagger still around?) you’ve got to think the blue brand would benefit more from a C-show. Regardless, RAW’s Main Event treads on. Two matches this week, with R-Truth remaining on commentary.
Sin Cara vs. Bo Dallas was a short match with two guys trying their asses off. Sin Cara flying around, dropping a Swanton off the apron. Bo Dallas being aggressive as hell. Crowd got into this one, this was a Main Event Match Worth Watching.
TJ Perkins & Cedric Alexander vs. Tony Nese & Noam Dar was good whenever Cedric had a run, otherwise it was an alright match stuck in Cruiserweight and Main Event hell.
WWE TV Match of the Week: MAN! Nattie/Nikki and the Battle Royal were both so good, but two matches stood out this week: Braun Strowman vs. Big Show and Mark Andrews vs. Pete Dunne. Both completely different, but both encompassing all that is great about pro wrestling. Show vs. Braun gets the edge for accomplishing more long-term, but all 4 of the matches mentioned here are well worth checking out.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: THE USOS had the best week. Kevin Owens had a great follow-up to a career-defining angle, Braun, Styles and Harper all looked like stars, but The Usos have been barely featured for months and screamed their way into a place where I hope they’re featured every damn week.
A good week of TV, both bread and circus were strong. RAW had some great stuff even if the places it dragged made me down on it, SmackDown rocked top-to-bottom, 205 Live had a few fun wrestling matches, and NXT had the awesome Dunne/Andrews match and Kassius Ohno coming back. Wins all around.
RAW: 6/10
SmackDown: 9/10
205 Live: 7/10
NXT: 6/10
