“Everybody’s just trying to.. in the end.. you know, make a few dollars with whatever little shtick they have. Everybody’s like, hey I got a little shtick – and maybe I can get by with that.” – Jerry Seinfeld, Norm MacDonald Live, 8/29/17
This quote explains like 99% of show business. You do a thing, people like that thing. You can’t always be fresh or ON, for godssakes. You’ve just got to get by!
There was a guy I used to watch on TV though that never just got by.
He was a professional wrestling master, an improv machine, genuinely funny, so hilarious and cowardly but also dickish and vicious. He brought everyone he surrounded up fifty notches, and was just such a classic character – the sequined suits, point to the head, Weasel gimmick. The amount of one-liners and physical comedy he brought us was absolutely unreal, the tangents he could go on… just amazing, man.
Back when my dad and I watched the WWF together in the early 90s, he’d always make us laugh – me at the physical humor and Weasel stuff, him at the timing and wit.
Life is short. Smiling is good. Bobby Heenan made us smile. He could make us angry, too, but by god it is wrestling – it was all in good fun.
R.I.P., Brain.
RAW (9/18/17)
Not all must-watch but this was just straight-up solid, and that’s when you know you’ve got a good thing going – the great stuff is great, while the other stuff is at least completely wonderfully watchable and makes some kind of general sense.
WWE presentation always needs tweaks but week-to-week RAW TV hasn’t been this good in a while. Not all the stories are compelling, but the talent is strong and the shows top-to-bottom have a bunch of good stuff.
Plus there’s Jason Jordan. I think they’ll figure him out. What they’re doing with him and Angle – “You need to step up or go home” – might be interesting. Until then… crippling, crippling silence.
Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax was an OK 5 minutes. It all made sense – I mean, I want to get to a point where Alexa and Jax are grizzled enough to really WORK these basic cowardly heel spots, but currently it’s all just fine. And then Nia Jax won clean and BAYLEY returned! Alexa cutting into the Bayley/Sasha celebration was fun.
Here’s a pitch for Bayley: find her a wacky friend like an Illana Wexler, go full Broad City. Introduce tag titles. Have some fun god damnit.
2002 PAUL HEYMAN FOOTAGE! Brock/Braun videos got me hyped.
3-Way Tag – Rollins & Ambrose vs. The Bar vs. Gallows & Anderson – was fun! Sheamus and Gallows having a Hoss-Off, Dean getting swung into the barricade, Shield taking HEAT, Seth moving well. I can’t remember – is that the first top rope sunset flip Seth has done since the injury? Of course it’d be with Cesaro. Finish was fun with the nice near fall save off the Magic Killer, 3D!!!, Cesaro’s HUGE bump to the outside, and the Shield doing double suicide dives. WOOO!!! Fun!!
Hey, the Curt Hawkins losing streak is an angle and Titus Brand got TV time. Cool.
Brock Lesnar split-screen satellite interviews are life. This didn’t touch the Samoa Joe one – what could? But Braun getting close to the camera, then BROCK getting close to the camera, like he was breaking some of fourth wall, was awesome. They’re clearly running out of things to do with these two, so let’s get to the god damn match! BRRRAUUUUUNNNN!!!
Man. Roman Reigns is a heel. The guy tags kids, makes their day, makes them smile… then proceeds to walk to the ring and SWEAR. Shit! Bitch! That rapscallion! Loving the Cena/Reigns war of words, but the insider references are getting silly… this feud did not need Roman saying Cena “buries people,” like he’s some conduit for the Peter Rosenberg acolyte dork “smart” fan, to be awesome.
Dustin Rhodes (not Goldust!) vs. Bray Wyatt was a match and angle in which Dustin Rhodes became the most compelling part of this Bray/Finn Balor shite. Match was fun – nothing fancy, just a physical strike-based match between two good ol boys. Dustin with the fired up offense before he got caught, Bray peppering in shots and just GOING FOR IT on the steel stairs bump.
The Bobby Heenan video brought the emotions. Bobby and Gorilla, man. So good.
Braun Strowman bodying Enzo Amore’s ass = amazing. WWE would be a lot more fun without a ton of people only being in their Own Little World (i.e.: tag division, women’s division, cruiserweight division, Balor/Bray, etc) but if WWE wanting to teach Enzo a lesson means them breaking that mold, I am all for it. Incredible stuff here… Enzo getting dragged to the ring, LAUNCHED through the second rope, the deadlift pick-up for the chokeslam. The Neville entrance and walking past Braun was awesome too – real recognize real. Also, “HOW YOU DOIN HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA”
Neville vs. Gran Metalik is a bonafide DREAM MATCH, and for a short RAW TV match it was kind of incredible. You’ve got Neville reacting to Metalik’s 2nd rope dropkick, Neville ripping Metalik’s mask and actually showing his face, Metalik throwing fuckin’ PUNCHES like he’s having a Lucha brawl in Monterrey, and finally Neville countering a moonsault by putting both boots up, then trapping Metalik’s arm into the Rings of Saturn. An awesome 5 minutes.
The main event – Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Elias vs. Bo Dallas vs. Curtis Axel vs. uhhhhhh oh yeah Jason Jordan wasn’t much, some classic WWE multi-man zaniness and nothing else. Liked Elias’ sweet backbreaker and vertical leap to the top rope, and I guess Miz’ reactions on the outside. Nice Miz beatdown post-match.
SMACKDOWN (9/19/17)
Oh, SmackDown. Last year’s SmackDown Live on 9/20/16 had a Becky/Alexa promo battle right after Becky won the SD Women’s Title, an Usos vs. American Alpha #1 Contenders match where Gable fought through a knee injury, Baron Corbin squashing Apollo Crews, a Miz/Ziggler IC Title classic, Randy Orton squashing Erick Rowan en route to Bray, Naomi/Nikki Bella vs. Natalya/Carmella ending in a brawl between rivals Nikki and Carmella, and Dean Ambrose beating JOHN CENA. The show ended with Daniel Bryan announcing AJ Styles vs. Ambrose for the WWE Title next week.
One year later… man.
No one has momentum. Everyone has their slot. Some stuff is fun, and it’s really a pretty easily digestible show, but altogether this week (and most week’s)… it’s just dire.
The over-dramatic Vince attack video package = hilarious.
Shane promo on Owens. Yeah! They’re feuding!
Randy Orton vs. Aiden English was fun enhancement stuff. Aiden got a lot of offense and looked good – enjoyed Randy giving him a table spot, and Aiden avoiding the Randy powerslam and following through with a neckbreaker.
Rusev pinned Orton! RUSEV #1!
Completely over Jinder Mahal vs. Shinsuke Nakamura. I cannot believe this whole thing actually got a little mainstream publicity – more negative than anything. I mean, yeah, the gimmick is Jinder Mahal, the first Indian WWE Champ, is race-baiting his Japanese opponent and saying racist shit. I was thinking WWE probably saw the “that’s too far” chant as something hilarious that they would canonize in some Top 10 Most Unique Chants on tier 6 of the WWE Network in 2030. But now, I assume this whole thing is filed into the trash heap of WWE angles that just didn’t work. Look, man – I am all for racism in my wrestling, just only when it’s creative. This is just boring and dumb.
AJ Styles vs. Baron Corbin for the US Title did not happen as I think Tye Dillinger ran-in or some shit. Whatever. Can we give Tye a promo or something? Or AJ? Why are all these people feuding? Like, yeah – I get why they are feuding. But I don’t GET it. Sell it, you motherfuckers. Cheapshot Artist?? That’s what we are going with?
The whole Charlotte Flair & Entire SmackDown Women’s Roster promo to set up the main event was alright, mostly thanks to Natalya. She goes through her ups and down but Natalya rocks right now, man. She carried this thing. “I am I am not a crazy cat lady! I am NOT a crazy cat lady, I am Natalya, and I’ll be your SmackDown Women’s Championship FOREVERRRRR!”
New Day vs. Hype Bros was a perfectly fine enhancement tag with strong Usos commentary. Kofi’s dive was incredible.
The Kevin Owens satellite promo on Shane was pretty one-note, though he is certainly presented as a star. “People like me don’t go to hell, people like me go to Heaven” – WHAT.
Ziggler doing his weekly promo and having to scream through the CM Punk chants – the only good use of CM Punk chants in 2017.
The main event 4-way to see who faces Natalya @ Hell in a Cell – Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch vs. Naomi vs. Tamina – had its moments. It was fun to see Charlotte and Becky doing their thing on TV again, otherwise it was your standard zany WWE multi-person match, just like RAW’s main event. Moves! And characters not all that defined!! And everybody goes down and people chant This is Awesome!!! Was most impressed by Charlotte’s deadlift to reset that weird jawbreaker thing Naomi does where she lands on her butt. The finish did get pretty sweet though – Charlotte’s big moonsault near fall and a Tamina near fall off the Superfly splash that I actually bought were highlights.
205 LIVE (9/19/17)
Drew Gulak and Neville, baby. Otherwise…
Kendrick vs. Cedric was such a vaguely solid match. Liked Kendrick putting his boot on Cedric’s hand during the headlock and the Japanese arm drag into the corner. Decent enough beatdown by Kendrick and Jack that would have come off better on a show people actually cared about. That Jack headbutt – WOOF.
Drew Gulak – with his new theme, wave to the crowd, sign up high, and PowerPoint presentations – is main roster ready. Loved the crowd waving their cell phones at him as he crowed about not allowing them on his weekly PowerPoint. This whole thing absolutely deserves a spot or two on RAW.
Oh, Tozawa vs. Noam Dar was OK I guess. Amazing tope by Tozawa.
The Neville/Enzo face-off to end the show was pretty top notch stuff, with both guys giving the intense promo this feud needed. “You lad… you can’t fight.” Can’t believe they booked Enzo to low blow Neville to end the show… this has gone from hilarious burial to pure psychological hell burial. What’s Enzo gonna say to this request that will make him look like a geek? No? Grim and bare it, and hope the crowd still reacts to you next week.
NXT (9/20/17)
A solid NXT, with some impressive matches from the developmental wing of the Florida territory.
Johnny Gargano vs. Tino Sabbatelli was short but effective … Tino pushing Johnny around and looming over him with his six-pac abs, Johnny firing back with chops, Johnny selling and bumping (check the upside down bump in the corner). It all worked.
William Regal’s little stories to the cameraman any time NXT cuts to him in his office are always a weird highlight – we need a compilation. Roddy Strong gets an NXT Title shot against Drew McIntyre next week and I await the “eh, it was pretty good” reactions.
Bianca Belair vs. Lacey Evans got some time and they tried some stuff. Liked the intense-ass pushes like they were working a Young Lions match. Evans was throwing forearms like she’s Misawa and kicks like she’s Kawada.
Aleister Black vs. Velveteen Dream is a fine way to use two midcard guys still climbing the card – NXT’s version of Finn Balor vs. Elias.
No Way Jose vs. Lars Sullivan had some fun spots – Jose running into Lars and bumping for him, Lars running through a clothesline and taking Jose down. Then Lars did A DIVING HEADBUTT! I want Lars vs. Braun.
Tyler Bate/Trent Seven vs. O’Reilly/Fish was pretty basic stuff – Seven beatdown, hot tag, cheap finish, ya ya – but it’s always fun to see some fresh characters on NXT. Tyler vs. O’Reilly was fun, would love to see that singles match. Not the hottest in-ring debut for the new trio, but a solid match.
Sweet little angle post-match with SAnitY confronting the The Undisputed Era, but NXT has been so start-stop lately that it didn’t get as over as it could’ve.
MAIN EVENT (9/20/17)
Heath Slater vs. Dash Wilder was fun, two guys working SHTICK – Heath takes his t-shirt off, Dash attacks him, Dash puts the t-shirt on, Heath takes down Dash and throws the shirt to the crowd, WOOOOO’s as he armdrags Dash and works an armbar. I mean it was like 5 minutes long but I had a good time. Vaguely a Main Event Match Worth Watching.
The other match was Mustafa Ali/Lince Dorado vs. Tony Daivari/Ariya Nese, or whoever. It was OK. Sweet moonsault by Ali. With no direction though, all these guys are firmly in novelty act territory, like the midgets of the 80s and the ladies of the 60s.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Not the strongest in-ring week, but Neville/Metalik and the 3-Way Tag Match were both fun stuff.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Neville has been ruling all year – this week we had a great TV match with Metalik and excellent go-home promo with Enzo.
No Mercy is Sunday and this was a week all about RAW, with a strong go-home performance by the red brand. Otherwise – SmackDown kind of stunk, 205 Live was 205 Live, and NXT doesn’t have anywhere close to its’ groove back but it had its moments.
RAW: 7/10
SmackDown: 4/10
205 Live: 4/10
NXT: 6/10
