We’re at THE SUMMIT, though WWE Network will lead you to believe this is the Sam Houston Coliseum so I will go with that to keep the naming convention solid. But it’s not the Sam Houston Coliseum. It’s The Summit. And those are two different places. Or so the Internet is leading me to believe right now.
1. S.D. Jones vs. Brutus Beefcake
Beefcake struts, S.D. struts, crowd pops. Beefcake works offense, S.D. kinda comes back, an idle jumping knee from Beefcake ends it real quick. An opener. *3/4
2. Steve Gatorwolf vs. Greg Valentine
This is bad because Gatorwolf, in addition to being an actual pedophile, was a terrible wrestler. It’s not like Valentine was ever in any mood to put on a “good match” either. Hammer works an arm, Gatorwolf does the Indian dance, Hammer applies the figure-four, Gatorwolf does the Indian dance, Hammer wins with a VERTICAL SUPLEX. Like a man. The quarter of a star is for the suplex. 1/4*
3. Davey Boy Smith vs. Iron Sheik w/ Nikolai Volkoff
Davey Boy has Matilda with him and I believe this marks the dog’s first appearance on the WWE Network. Sheik talks shit about both the United States AND United Kingdom, which I’m not sure was necessary in Texas but the attention to detail is appreciated. This is a super basic match with Sheiky working over Davey and really really really synching in a camel clutch, so much so that if Stone Cold Steve Austin watched this match it might just bring a happy tear to his eye.
Davey actually deadlifts Sheik out of said camel clutch and it gets weird real quick as he hits a powerslam, Sheik kicks out at 1, and then Sheik hastily throws Davey into the ropes so Nikolai can grab him for a DQ. Sheik and Volkoff beat down Davey until Dynamite saves. Wrestling. *3/4
4. WWF World Heavyweight Title: Hulk Hogan [c] vs. Paul Orndorff w/ Bobby Heenan
This was THE MATCH at this point in time, though this is a pretty low-level version of said match. Orndorff enters to Hogan’s music, which on the Network is a dubbed-in version of Real American but according to commentary really was Real American. Hogan charges out in a blue shirt and blue bandana hanging out of his mouth, looking like an absolute savage.
You can probably guess the rest. Orndorff attacks before the bell, Heenan puts a chair in the ring, Hogan begins to use it but the ref grabs it, Orndorff finds a way to use the chair and works over Hulk, Hulk does the comeback, big boot, legdrop… and then he throws Orndorff outside, Heenan distracts the ref, and Hulk hits Orndorff with the chair for a countout. Points for having a thread, I guess.
Hogan wagging his head and chest back-and-forth to mock Orndorff behind his back – good shit. Heenan desperately trying to push Orndorff back in to beat the countout – good shit. Heenan and Orndorff bitching after the match – good shit. But this is really really house show level. **3/4
5. $50,000 12-Team Tag Team Battle Royal
The entire list of teams in this match is The Britsh Bulldogs, The Machines, The Islanders, The Killer Bees, The Rougeau Brothers, Chief Jay Strongbow & Steve Gatorwolf, Mike Rotundo & S.D. Jones, The King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd, Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff, The Dream Team, The Hart Foundation, and The Moondogs. It’s an absolute sea of giants, a great visual, and probably a lot of unnecessary travel for most of these guys. Chief Jay Strongbow apparently came out of retirement for this match, which goes like most Battle Royals in that everyone just kinda fumbles around until there’s a few guys left. The amount of guys in this has them packed in the ring real tight, so the fumbling is more fumbly than normal.
Studd is eliminated in seconds, the Hart Foundation and Rougeau Brothers brawl on the floor, and it eventually comes down to heel tag anchors Sheik & Volkoff, other heel tag anchors The Dream Team, babyface WWF Tag Champs The British Bulldogs, and new babyface tag team The Islanders. Soon it’s down to the Bulldogs vs. Sheik & Volkoff, which ends when Davey Boy lifts Sheik and Volkoff just KICKS Davey over the top rope for the win. Nobody seems all too happy, even the guys who just won 50 grand. *1/2
“This concludes tonight’s night of wrestling here at The Summit – we hope you’ve enjoyed yourself, and drive home safely please.”
Trash. 1/10
