Man, I’m tired. Are you tired? I’m working for the man to keep paying those gimmicks in the mail they call bills, all the while being exposed to the same stupid arguments over and over again, myself and my fellow citizens trying to get on some kind of fake moral high ground that has to exist before we can address the fact that the planet is going to burn us to death quicker than anybody thinks.
This fantasy land, this professional wrestling paradise that is WWE, usually acts as a reflection on our own society, if not the better angels of said society. Through reflection, it continues to act as some kind of escape if not an entire antidote.
And… I’m kidding, I’m not going any further with this.
I just wish it didn’t feel like the bad guys were always winning on WWE TV though, both on-screen and off. And then the good guys sometimes seem like bad guys too. That’s a weird deal.
Except Kofi Kingston, of course. God Bless a Kofi Kingston.
RAW (8/12/19)
LOL @ WWE getting Stone Cold on Skype and making him put over Seth Rollins.
This was an alright show with a bunch of short efficient matches but nothing must-see outside of THAT Sasha Banks return.
Two highlights in the ring though: Cedric Alexander vs. Drew McIntyre and a short but awesome 2/3 Falls Match with Rey Mysterio vs. Andrade. Cedric is very good at being tossed around, and Drew is a freak for taking that Spanish Fly. Cedric might’ve eaten the fall but he looks better every week, and that Claymore finish was RKO levels of cool.
In retrospect, running Andrade vs. Rey as a bunch of TV matches and doing no PPV match might’ve been a mistake. I do know that giving this 2/3 Falls Match under 10 minutes of TV time was one. Regardless, these two did some incredible sequences in here that I wouldn’t necessarily say were new but they were still incredible examples of human capability.
Anyways, SASHA BANKS. With BLUE HAIR. The Boss is back and she’s kicking Natalya Neidhart’s ASS, she’s brawling with Becky Lynch, she has BLUE GOD DAMN HAIR. I could’ve done without the last two or three years of absolutely NOTHING but FUCK YEAH. Lord, grant us all the strength for Sasha vs. Becky.
The show was filled with a bunch short, efficient, inoffensive matches that kind of accomplished things. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (and his Kabuki Warriors shirt) had a hook with Ziggler teasing not competing, then between his offensive bullshit had Miz looking like an ass-kicker, a sweet Zig Zag kickout, and an actual win with the Figure-Four. Ziggler might’ve actually found his THING after like two decades with this promo on the mat stuff. “This is merely a flesh wound, just like Sunday!”
Ricochet already isn’t hot on the mic, so probably not best to give him “you suck!” as an insult. He and Elias had another short efficient inoffensive match, outside of the blown tilt-a-whirl headscissors which offended me to my core. Also, Ricochet doing a sunset flip over Elias an attempted guitar shot for the win probably read better on paper.
Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross vs. The IIconics was indeed for the Women’s Tag Team Titles, but another short efficient inoffensive match. The Revival vs. Lucha House Party was the same deal, though it had some 24/7 Title stuff. The Viking Raiders‘ squash was also short efficient and inoffensive, outside of the poor fella who had to ride The Viking Experience. Robert Roode vs. No Way Jose literally lasted 60 seconds, though in the first 10 it was noted how important the match was for both guys.
Meanwhile, Samoa Joe tapped poor Sami Zayn to start the show in 30 seconds and seems to be playing hard to get with the crowd. That babyface turn is around the corner, but we gotta wait for it.
Is Angelo Dawkins OK?
Seth Rollins vs. AJ Styles closed the show and was another one of these bizarre WWE things where this match that sounded like a big deal at the start of the year ends up merely a decent Dream Match on PPV and is now a sub-10 minute match on TV with these two running through their shit before inevitable interference. Braun Strowman saving Seth Rollins and shaking his hand while Ricochet lurked on the floor was a great closing shot though.
SMACKDOWN (8/13/19)
I can’t say this was amazing but it was a pretty template wrestling TV show: good women’s match, good men’s match, angles with the top babyfaces, and an old school 6-man tag main event. The threads of Daniel Bryan and Rowan being angry about being snitched on and a couple interviews building up the main event, plus King of the Ring hype, gave the show a nice flow too.
Charlotte Flair vs. Ember Moon was a heck of a match with a big time dive by Moon, Charlotte doing a sort-of Los Ingobernables pose during the break, and a hot last few minutes that had some great near falls playing with each of their signature moves.
Roman Reigns vs. Buddy Murphy was a damn marvel, a four-star BANGER and one of those special matches that wasn’t just Very Good Wrestling but had a lot going on: Buddy making his TV in-ring debut, Buddy wrestling ROMAN REIGNS, the Bryan saga surrounding it, and best of all Roman for the first time in forever wrestling a long TV match and as per usual crushing it. Roman sold not just like he was exhausted but like he was legitimately taken aback by this cruiserweight punk. Buddy is making the knee smash sexy in WWE too. This had a great flow and logical changes of offense leading into a great Superman punch near fall and epic spear finish.
Samoa Joe vs. Kevin Owens was more of an angle than a match with Elias as the Special Guest Referee doing the fast count thing. Owens was red hot for all the shows in Canada, but between the crap SummerSlam match with Shane McMahon, the snoozer of an show opener promo with Shane, and this angle itself, this trip to Canada didn’t seem to do him many favors as far as developing as Good Guy Owens. Good Guy Owens is a lot cooler than chinlock Owens though, I will tell you that much.
The New Day vs. Randy Orton & The Revival got us back to basics and provided a match that was absolutely 100% nothing special but also just so SOLID. Orton and Revival are a natural unit, and New Day are top-tier superstars every day of the week. Loved the setup for the Shatter Machine finish.
205 LIVE (8/13/19)
Gosh, there was some good wrestling on this piece of shit wrestling show.
Akira Tozawa and Jack Gallagher got 20 minutes to play with to start the show and it was very good. They did a neat spot where Gallagher monkey flipped Tozawa and Tozawa posted himself in the face and fell outside. Amazing Tozawa tope, amazing Tozawa missile dropkick. The 15-20 minute 205 Live opener doesn’t always work, but it’s something I’ll miss should the plug be pulled on this god awful wrestling show.
Kalisto and Lince Dorado teamed with Humberto Carrillo because Gran Metalik got laid out backstage and I’ll be honest this was all pretty stupid. They wrestled Ariya Daivari & The Singh Brothers in a match that had some sweet dives but also just felt… goofy.
The Drew Gulak vs. Oney Lorcan rematch for the Cruiserweight Title was very good, though still not quite the earth-shattering experience I’d expect from this pair. Still though – Lorcan did a somersault plancha and he screamed afterwards like a crazy person. He got slammed throat-first on a table. They did a super Half-hatch suplex near fall that freaked the crowd out. And the GuLock TKO was a beautiful end to Oney’s second pursuit at the purple championship.
NXT UK 56 (8/14/19)
Figured I’d start this with my monthly note of how hilarious it is that they’ve got Sid Scala on TV because Johnny Saint is unable to read live lines. Still though – respect for keeping Saint around. I just wish his quiet character had more gravitas as opposed to seeming like an old man not in charge.
Mark Coffey vs. Flash Morgan Webster – why? Coffey did some kind of front kick that Webster kind of awkwardly dodged, then followed it up with a chokeslam anyways. Of course their tag partners got involved because there’s a WWE Network special in two weeks, god damnit, before Flash got the… flash win. Look – I’ll put in as much effort as they do.
Travis Banks vs. Kenny Williams was some stupid wrestling over very good Noam Dar commentary. “What even is a Kiwi Buzzsaw?” THANK YOU. There was a hell of a dropkick thrown and reacted to in Isla Dawn vs. Nina Samuels, otherwise eh. WALTER got showcased in a video package where he basically abused his fellow wrestling trainees and it was terrifying.
The main event was Kassius Ohno vs. Ilja Dragunov which went 15 minutes or so and it was… OK? It had a lot of neat bits and a lot of hard hits but was ultimately kind of boring and had a lot of stuff that just didn’t make sense. Ohno knows a lot of cool tricks to keep arm work interesting but I still tuned out. Dragunov’s 619 lariat is a silly spot to begin with, but in this Very Serious Wrestling Match it felt extra dumb, especially when it was used twice. Dragunov just standing around and waiting for the rolling elbow was ugly too.
NXT (8/14/19)
This was a post-TakeOver NXT, so we’ve got two matches and a bunch of interviews and video recaps of the matches. And you know, it really never occurred to me how silly it is that they do match recap video packages on a WWE Network show of TakeOver matches which also aired on the WWE Network. It’ll make more sense when NXT is on USA, but why have I accepted this for five years?
Breezango vs. The Forgotten Sons was an OK tag with a shit Sons beatdown and some dumb Jaxson Ryker interference that led to him getting kicked out and a hot tag, which was just fantastic. TOPE CON DANGO!!!
Did Pete Dunne get a bonus for saying that if he would’ve won at TakeOver, he’d “have that North American Championship hangin’ out of my mouth right now”? That line sent a shiver down my spine of a dark future that sees ol’ Pete just reading lines like everyone else.
Jordan Myles vs. Cameron Grimes in the NXT Breakout Tournament Finals was… fine. And it really should have been a lot more than that. All we got though was 10 minutes of WWE newcomer trying to impress the boys in the back style wrestling from a couple of fellas who have gone what, 70-something minutes before? Lots of solid work – holds, rope-running, eye gouging, face-first bumps into the turnbuckle. Lots of Grimes being… grimey. Myles’ stop-short and finger wag in the corner to setup the feel-good 450 win and feel-good William Regal celebration was great, but damn. Good for Myles, but a disappointing final match of what was a pretty cool tournament.
MAIN EVENT (8/14/19)
What can a man even say about Dana Brooke vs. Lacey Evans and Ryder/Hawkins vs. Cesaro/EC3 other than thhat there was a second-rope Woman’s Right elbow in one of those matches?
WWE TV Match of the Week: Drew Gualk vs. Oney Lorcan for the WWE Cruiserweight Title from 205 Live
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Buddy Murphy
There was a lot of individual cool moments or matches this week, but SummerSlam was average and this wasn’t exactly a kick in the ass. Sasha Banks’ return ruled and there were a bunch of fun TV matches, but the shows themselves still don’t feel like they’re hitting right now. They’re not bad, they’re just fine.
RAW: 6/10
SmackDown: 7/10
205 Live: 7/10
NXT UK: 4/10
NXT: 6/10
