WWF Home Video continues their new series on “outstanding superstars” – first Hogan, then Andre, now Piper. Mean Gene Okerlund hosts and is just INCENSED that Piper is calling his tape “Greatest Hits.”
This whole tape rules – classic Piper’s Pits, great wrestling matches, great Piper promos. So good.
Piper’s Pit w/ Andre the Giant (MSG 3/6/84)
Tremendous, intense 3-minute angle, with Piper talking five miles a minute and Andre eventually having enough and delifting Piper up by his collar and storming off, which causes Piper to go on a hulked up rant looking directly into the camera. “You do not throw rocks at a man who is not a machine gun!”
1. Rowdy Roddy Piper & “Dr. D” David Schultz vs. Andre the Giant & Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka (3/20/84)
THIS MATCH RULES. Piper avoiding Andre early makes for a great dynamic, and the first punch to Piper gets a massive reaction. Andre eventually blades off a foreign object shot and the visual of bloodied Andre is incredible. Piper gets the blood on his FACE and there’s a big stain of blood on his thigh. The match clips to referees and doctors in the ring checking on Andre, who’s passed out. The crowd sits in a hushed silence as Piper stands on the second turnbuckle covered in Andre’s blood – WOW.
Andre is carried off to audible disappointment, but Snuka calls for the match to continue and the folks go NUTS. The crowd is deafening as Snuka wrecks Piper and Schultz, HOO’ing and whistling for every huge shot – I am not using hyperbole when I say this is an all-time great tag team wrestling sequence. Everything flows so beautifully and Piper’s bumping is especially classic.
Piper and Dr. D work over Snuka until then ANDRE returns all bandaged and bloody – AHHHHH!!!!! The fucking VISUAL, man! THE VISUAL! He gets in a few licks before Piper and Dr. D escape to HUGE heat. This is one of the greatest professional wrestling matches I have ever seen. ****3/4
Piper’s Pit w/ Frank Williams (4/14/84)
Another Piper classic, this time with perennial enhancement talent Frank Williams. This one is cool for the angle and beating, but it might be cooler for Piper meta-explaining why he never jobbed: “I went on the premise of never having to lose a match – I’ve never lost a match in my whole career, I’ve had different things happen to me but I’ve never actually lost a match because I figured once you were defeated one time, it would take that oomph away from ya that you needed.”
He proceeds to bury poor Frank for losing all the time, and Frank is such a shlubby fella that the crowd won’t pop for him standing up for himself. When he cuts in on Piper one too many times, Piper snaps and just annihilates him with an awesome, vicious beating, then stares into the camera and drops this legendary line: “JUST WHEN THEY THINK THEY GOT THE ANSWERS, I CHANGE THE QUESTIONS.” Must-see, legendary stuff.
Rowdy Roddy Piper Interviews Mr. T from The A-Team Set
Here’s a sweet angle leading up to the War to Settle the Score and WrestleMania where Piper visits the A-Team set for an interview with Mr. T. Piper is unsurprisingly a dick and Mr. T does not have time for Piper’s SHIT. Mr. T asks Piper if he’s tough because he can punch a lady (this was right after the MSG angle where Piper threw Lauper off of him), so Piper starts ranting and raving on the children of America today. Mr. T finally puts a hand on him and Piper IMMEDIATELY backs off and gets serious with a “hey mister.” Awesome.
2. WWF World Heavyweight Title: Hulk Hogan [c] vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper w/ Cowboy Bob Orton
This is from the War to Settle the Score, which aired on MTV and was a major chapter in the Rock n’ Wrestling saga. It is AWESOME and leads to a massive angle which takes us into the first WrestleMania. Hogan vs. Piper didn’t have a ton of big matches that aired, but of those that did this is my favorite. Everything is so BIG. Bob Costas is the ring announcer. Mr. T is in the front row. Danny DeVito is randomly in the crowd. Piper enters wearing a Hulkamania shirt and holding a guitar which he SMASHES: “This is what I think of rock & roll!” Hogan enters to hilariously overdubbed Real American music and looks like the biggest star in the galaxy as he POINTS to Piper and the crowd goes nuts.
Hogan and Piper are #OVER and they are brawling and throwing punches like animals and Piper is SUCH a shit-talking cheating asshole, but also flails all around when The Hulkster gets a hand on him. It is beautiful American professional wrestling.
The finish is total chaos, as Cowboy Bob Orton (with cast) interferes but Hogan drops his arm on the turnbuckle and goes after Piper and the crowd goes ape. “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff runs out to “take Ace’s place” (his words) as Piper’s backup, but then the ref goes down. Piper and Orndorff go to work on Hogan until CYNDI LAUPER gets on the apron, hooting and hollering at them. And these two baddies SURROUND HER. And then MR. T HOPS THE RAILING!!!! But Piper attacks him from behind and he and Orndorff beat up Mr. T until Hulk Hogan HULKS UP, Mr. T TAKES OFF HIS JACKET, and the crowd is FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT. Piper and Orndorff run away, then threaten to come back as cops and security run in to pull everybody apart. HUGE stuff. So well executed. ***3/4 match, five-star angel.
Piper’s Pit w/ Rowdy Roddy Piper
Well this is completely insane. The technology of 1985 provides us with Rowdy Roddy Piper interviewing himself via a split-screen effect. On one side Piper is in a red bowtie and a tux; on the other side Piper is in his gear. This just has to be seen to be believed – both Piper’s are ON and this man was a true original. He says he’s the cat’s ass at one point too which feels so out of place in the WWF. “I’m Roddy Piper and you’re not.”
Mean Gene Okerlund visits a Rowdy Roddy Piper, “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff and Cowboy Bob Orton Workout
Between this and the Piper’s Pit with Piper, this tape is making my heart swoon by filling in Piper gaps in the lead-up to WrestleMania. Mean Gene Okerlund visits a gym in a full tux where Orndorff is meditating and Piper is sitting down rocking back-and-forth. There is a wild shot of him hissing like a CAT. Orndorff and Piper tell Gene to kick rocks and there is a funny close-up shot of Cowboy Bob, who seems amused at this newfangled technology where they are going to edit in a close-up of his face.
Then Mean Gene just casually commentates over Orndorff powerlifting, as Piper and Bob continue to tell him to get lost. “We told you not to come” they ominously say and they shove Mean Gene outside, where a guy yells “we need help” and gets beat up by all three. “GOD, Piper – this is DISGUSTING!” screams Gene. Tremendous.
Rowdy Roddy Piper and Cowboy Bob Orton visit a Doctor (TNT #33 5/10/85)
Here we have a classic TNT segment where Cowboy Bob Orton and Piper visit a physician on-set to examine Piper’s arm injury. Piper is again a master sports entertainer here. His wide-eyed looks at Orton as the doctor looks over the arm are so great. When the doctor says Orton might be fine, he immediately starts questioning: “What’s your name? Where are you from? … Missouri! They don’t have doctors in Missouri!” That ain’t his wrist. That ain’t his x-ray. Look at the length of the arm! You people have made a mistake!” Then he starts QUACKING. Epic, epic stuff.
Piper’s Pit w/ Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka (3/18/84)
This is THE Piper’s Pit segment, with the infamous angle where Piper clocks Snuka over the head with a coconut. I’d argue there are better ones out there (some on this very tape), but this is the most famous. Piper is just mean while Snuka, powerful and crazy and probably a little buzzed, makes for interesting opposition. The set going down was key to that angle ruling, and then Piper rubs a banana in Snuka’s face and whips him with a belt – just classic dickish stuff. Snuka’s head hitting the door as he chases after Piper is the most amazing campy hilarious shit.
Rowdy Roddy Piper sit-down interview on Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka; Piper slaps Lord Alfred Hayes (TNT #5 7/17/84)
Another incredible angle, where after Piper addresses the coconut angle on TNT. Lord Alfred Hayes tells him he adds no dignity and adds nothing to the program, so Piper gives him the HARDEST GOD DAMN SLAP TO THE FACE. I mean this thing was so stiff it’d make Tomohiro Ishii cry. It results in Piperbeing banned from the show until 1985. This thing is even better than the coconut angle – Piper somehow managed both funny and pure evil at same time.
No DQ Match: Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka (Special Guest Ref: Lou Thesz) (5/25/84)
As Mean Gene says, “Although WWF officials sanctioned this particular bout, they were frankly concerned about the referees ability to control this contest – so they arranged to stage a meeting in Minnesota to enlist the services of a special guest referee: none other than a former World Champion himself, the great Lou Thesz.”
This is nothing pretty, but the intensity of the feud carries it along and it’s a fun brawl. The rope-running leading up to Snuka’s big chop and Piper’s big bump for it is an incredible sequence. Thesz takes a bump at some point and when Piper begins to choke Snuka with a belt, he pulls Piper off and prepares a punch. Thesz ends up taking a swing from Piper, leading to Snuka whipping Piper and Piper running off. ***1/2
Rowdy Roddy Piper Reads a Letter, Piper’s Pit w/ Tonga Kid (3/7/84)
Here Piper leads a letter from a fan who ends up being Snuka’s son who asks him to not hurt his dad anymore.
Tonga Kid is then introduced as Snuka’s cousin after Snuka suffered a “serious neck injury” (AKA rehab) and he shows up on Piper’s pit, where he fires off some of the lamest lines of all-time:
When Piper asks him why he’d wear a “silly little skirt,” he lifts Piper’s kilt and says, “Well it’s obvious why you wear yours, Piper” to NO reaction.
Also: “You never impressed anyone anyway … except maybe yourself” ARGGHHHH.
4. Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Tonga Kid w/ Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka (12/1/84)
Absolutely RAUCOUS match here – the first two minutes are EPIC, with Tonga throwing shots and Piper desperately trying to run away. Seeing Piper scramble as crowds go insane is so good. Piper eventually settles it down with a dirty beatdown that kind of drags, but Tonga MOONWALKS to setup a hope spot and all is forgiven. And Vince goes WOOO! WOOO! at one point. Snuka and Cowboy Bob eventually run-in for the finish. The lows were low but the highs were HIGH. ***1/2
5. Rowdy Roddy Piper & Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka & Tonga Kid (MSG 12/28/84)
This is a hot match that hits all the right notes. Tonga working an armbar on Piper = GOLD. Piper and Orton work over Tonga a bit before Tonga hits a HUGE sunset flip, which Orton responds to by punching him in the head four times. A massive noggin and big Snuka crossbody leads to a big brawl and double DQ finish. HOT mid-80s action, baby. ***1/2
This is a journey through the prime of the greatest of all-time. 10/10
