It is HALLOWEEN SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT!!! And it is amazing.
The cold open is Bobby Heenan dunking his face in chocolate syrup for apples, followed by Rowdy Roddy Piper laughing hysterically in a Superman outfit, then a Terry Funk promo where he spits tobacco into the camera as the SNME theme kicks in.
Then we cut to SUPER(MAN) Rowdy Roddy Piper, who is just a CRAZY MAN – on another planet, laughing hysterically, being Roddy Piper. Then we cut to a TERRY FUNK promo, and he’s all pissed off and spits his TOBACCO into the camera as the SNME theme kicks in.
Seriously, if you saw any of this television program as a person living in 1985, how could you not decide to watch all the professional wrestling there is?
Vince McMahon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura are on commentary. Ventura is in a PEACOCK mask, big purple hat, purple tie-dyed shirt and a black suit jacket. It is incredible. This man was a Governor.
They cut to the crowd, some of whom are wearing costumes: a guy in a HUGE and honestly terrifying Hulk Hogan mask, two fellas dressed as gorillas, a guy dressed as Piper who heels it up, a couple of Coneheads, and a WHITE GUY DRESSED AS MR. FUJI, who when he realizes the camera is on him looks like he regrets everything.
Vaguely interesting to see them tinker with the SNME formula – each feature match now gets a few clips of its’ history before it. Every match on this show had some kind of post-match shenanigans too. Wrestling is CHAOS!
1. Junkyard Dog vs. Terry Funk w/ Jimmy Hart
I had never seen this match before and as I write this I can confidently say it is one of my favorite matches of all time. It is a masterful Terry Funk performance within the confinements of WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event, and it is amazing. Everything leads into an eventual pop. Everything is perfectly timed. Everything is clicking. Everything is incredible. Terry taunts the crowd on his entrance and JYD creeps up behind him and drags him into the ring as Funk desperately tries to escape. Funk chases JYD to the outside and climbs over the top rope like he’s Kane or something and JYD see-saws him – it is AMAZING. Funk sells his dick on the floor and removes his chaps. He goes back in and misses an elbow (pop), then gets slammed to the outside (pop). JYD hits the crawling headbutts and Funk sells them like a crazy person, flopping around then standing and punching the air before falling. Jimmy Hart meanwhile is on the outside, alternatively barking shit and hiding. Funk goes to the floor and teases getting back in the ring, then bails and climbs over the guardrail and talks shit to fans.
I have only ever seen Terry Funk with the acute awareness that he was Terry fucking Funk – I could not imagine my reaction to him seeing him for the first time in 1985. He is such a creepy old man bastard, bulky enough to look tough but flabby enough that you know he doesn’t bother going to the gym. Plus he came in immediately demanding shots at the WWF Title – what could have been?
Great subtle spot later in the match where Funk Irish whips JYD and JYD holds onto the ropes as Funk drops down like a goof. JYD goes after Hart, Funk goes after JYD, Funk lands a straight-up left hand and gets a near fall. Oh – crowd is still going NUTS. Funk locks on a sleeper, JYD escapes, Funk misses a clothesline, JYD does his own sleeper, Hart gets on the apron, JYD grabs Hart and the megaphone flies in the ring, the ref is distracted by JYD and Hart so Funk hits JYD with the megaphone and wins. GOD, this was so GOOD. Super ultra simple but compelling from bell-to-bell. Everything is tight, JYD is super over, Terry Funk does Terry Funk things, and it rules. Just the best example that despite all the “kids these days…” whining from the 80s generation, the 80s generation is sometimes right – when done correctly, this type of work – all character and timing, minimal bumps – is #1. ****1/2
Halloween Party Competition Round 1: Pie Eating Contest
God, did 1985 get insane real quick. Mania happens, and then there’s The Rock ‘n’ Wrestling cartoon, The Wrestling Album, and fucking wrestlers dressing up in costumes for Halloween. All three of these contests are silly but a ton of fun. What stood out to me was the color – everything is so big and bright.
Check these costumes: Mean Gene as a pumpkin, Macho Man and Elizabeth as Tarzan and Jane, Sheik & Volkoff as Batman & Robin, Heenan as Davey Crockett (with a weas-I mean coonskin cap), Bundy as Abe Lincoln, Tito as Zorro, The Hillbillies as the Three Musketeers, Captain Lou as Julius Caesar, and The Hulkster as HERCULES.
Vince going over the Halloween Party Competition is hilarious: “The Halloween Party Competition… 3 rounds! Pumpkin Dunk in chocolate syrup, the chocolate PIE EATING contest, and the pumpkin pass” in that Vince voice. You know the one. This first round has close-ups of Albano and Bundy shoving pie into their face as everybody cheers them on. Some of the wrestlers end up out-of-shot, and I enjoyed imagining Randy Savage off-screen, staring a hole through Hogan (who’s right behind Lou), fuming. Weird classic shit, and the costume choices are amazing.
Piper’s Pit w/ Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer and Cousin Junior
Rowdy Roddy Piper in the 1980s could make anything work. The Hillbillies had their shtick, but they weren’t good in-ring and didn’t really have any charisma to make any promo or angle work. But here’s Roddy. “Well well well… howdy! Howdy there neighbor! And [looking at Jim] how are you, Mrs. Elmer? Every day’s Halloween to you folks, huh?” Unfortunately, I don’t think this was mic’d up well as Roddy’s words don’t seem to make it past the TV audio and the crowd starts booing. Hillbilly Jim eventually calls out Ventura, who enters the ring leading to a little pandemonium. Interesting that they were toying with a Ventura tag run in late-85 – he teamed with both Piper and Savage in brief runs before hanging the ol’ boots up for good in 1986.
Halloween Party Competition Round 2: The Great Pumpkin Dunk
This has Cousin Junior and Bobby Heenan just getting CAKED in chocolate syrup. I was most fascinated by Junkyard Dog’s super elaborate mummy costume.
Hulk Hogan says “alright BOSS!” to Andre in their pre-match promo and I have to think it pissed Andre off.
2. The Dream Team (Hulk Hogan & Andre the Giant) w/ Captain Lou Albano vs. Big John Studd & King Kong Bundy w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
Hogan is just MOBBED by fans as he comes to the ring while Andre just kind of barrels through them. This a little spectacle of a match but it’s not very good. Hogan is all charismatic and his exchanges with Bundy early are kind of fun, as Bundy was still getting pushed so Hogan couldn’t completely run over him. Although he kind of does eventually. Honestly, this is mostly a bunch of 20-second beatings on Hulk and Andre and then Andre chokes somebody or Hogan throws a clothesline. Hogan and Andre just beat these giants’ asses, it’s kind of insane. Eventually, the ref gets bumped, Andre ends up tied in the ropes, and Bundy manages to splash Hulk which elicits legitimate shrieks from the crowd. And then Hogan kicks their asses again as the crowd goes wild. Andre yells at Bundy and Studd in a promo after the match: “COME BACK HEYEAR. I’M NOT FINISHED WIF YOU YET!” The crowd kinda pops but is also like “Wha?” **
There’s a promo before the IC Title match with Savage and Liz, and Vince and Gene have a little banter as Gene stares at Liz’s ass as she walks away, and Vince yells – “Gene. Gene! GENE!” until he snaps out of it. “I’ll tell ya he never looked at L’Albano that way! Then again, Lou Albano never looked like Elizabeth.” And it was at this exact moment that I realized that Joey Styles was just aping Vince McMahon.
3. WWF Intercontinental Title: Tito Santana [c] vs. Macho Man Randy Savage
These are two of the best guys of the 80s doing what they do for like 5 minutes. It’s super fast-paced early, with Savage aggressive as hell on offense. The Macho Man was on another level when he came to the territory, ready to be a star since day 1 (ish). He drops a double axehandle once and gets it. He tries again and Tito catches him with a punch to the gut. Tito hits a bodyslam, bounces off the ropes, and Savage just DASHES out of the ring as the crowd BOOOOOO’s in an awesome spot. Tito chases Savage, Savage tries to set up a piledriver on the floor, Savage hits a knee that must trip a mic because it makes an amazing SMACK sound. And both guys continue to brawl as they are counted out. Masters at work, just 5 minutes and a double countout. ***1/4
We cut to Nikolai Volkoff and The Iron Sheik almost making out – OH, they are practicing the pumpkin pass!
WHAT IN ABSOLUTE TARNATION IS THE MR. FUJI TRAINING THING ON THIS SHOW? He uses “ancient Chinese” techniques and basically makes faces as if he is taking the largest most constipated shit there ever was. It’s all kind of racist but at the same time so incredibly compelling, Fuji legitimately seems completely insane as he preps himself for this silly 2 minute match he’s gonna have with Ricky Steamboat. WATCH THIS IT’S WEIRD.
Halloween at Rowdy Roddy Piper’s House
ROWDY RODDY FUCKING PIPER. Legendary segment. Legendary absolute god damn insanity. Peak sports entertainment, possibly. Fun, creepy, bizarre. Hilarious. It’s Roddy Piper prepping Halloween at his RENTED American home as Vince McMahon, wearing a suit, interviews him. And Piper is just on another planet. It might be drugs. I don’t know. It might also just be him being brilliant. Piper wants to give kids BOWLING BALLS (“candy apples”) and BRICKS (“chocolate bars”). And he is just the improv master, going off on insane tangents on every question Vince fields. And then he gets super serious – “If they bother me once – they don’t bother me twice.” And then a bunch of children knock on his door and they enter his house, the house of this unstable insane man, with no adult supervision other than Vince McMahon standing in the corner and looking slightly troubled, like he’s watching this on TV and cannot intervene. Roddy breaks their candy bags with the bowling balls and steals all their candy. And Vince just stands there looking disapproving. But WAIT! It was a ruse! We cut to the kids outside who laugh about giving the mean man chocolate-covered red peppers! And Roddy goes NUTS. What a punchline!
Fun Fact: One of the kids is Stephanie McMahon!
4. Kung Fu Challenge: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Mr. Fuji w/ Magnificent Muraco
The crowd is AMPED for Ricky! He fires off some chops and takes Fuji down, and Vince asks Jesse how impressive his movements are: “Ehhh I guess I’m impressed McMahon, I’m not that up on karate – I don’t know if his form is really truly that good.” Then Fuji kicks Ricky in the balls. Then Ricky reverses a suplex and hits a crossbody off the top and wins. Then Muraco beats down Ricky and it’s not nice. **
Halloween Party Competition Round 3: The Pumpkin Pass Competition
The final contest is between everybody – The Pumpkin Pass! And I am pretty sure, as Jesse screams, that the faces WERE covering up with their capes and using their hands to do the pass! Piper causes Elizabeth to drop the pumpkin and the heels lose and everybody gets mad at Elizabeth.
Happy Thoughts: Another big hit of a Saturday Night’s Main Event: one incredible match, one great match, and the sheer absolute insanity of everything that was the WWF celebrating Halloween in 1985. 9/10
