Hype. So much hype. Vincent Kennedy McMahon runs down the card on a live mic, with the crowd going absolutely WILD in the background. Jesse Ventura is wearing a lavender suit with these whacked-out sunglasses – one lens has yellow rims, the other is a BLACK TRIANGLE.
This is a show that has two awesome matches plus a wedding which is good and bad. Look, a WWF wedding is fun and all, but this particular wedding didn’t have near the campy fun of Butcher Vachon’s wedding late last year, and it also means Vince is hard-selling the SHIT out of a wedding all show. The guy was always all about repetition – he must say that this is the first “network television wedding since Tiny Tim and Miss Vicki” at least three times, and he is pushing the “wrestling AND romance” tagline HARD. He had not yet mastered the promotional hard-selling that doesn’t sound like a sale, and I’m not sure if he even has to this day.
Anyways. This is from the Meadowlands. And it definitely NOT a sellout. Tons of empty seats, so lights on the crowd this time do them few favors.
By October 1985, the Cold War was thawing… so you best believe Hulk Hogan is out there at the Meadowlands, in front of 8,000 screaming fans cutting a promo with absolute CONVICTION about the red white and blue and the stars and stripes forever, expressing his absolute DISGUST with the Russian flag. The Hulkster looks into the camera, face red and eyes wide, and promises TRIUMPH.
1. Flag Match – WWF World Heavyweight Title: Hulk Hogan [c] vs. Nikolai Volkoff w/ “Classy” Freddie Blassie
Fucking incredible Hulk Hogan title defense. Volkoff, that piece of shit, sings the Russian National Anthem. Hulk comes charging to the ring to that Patriotic military song I can’t put my finger on right now, carrying a big American flag with his white American Made tank top and white trunks. Volkoff attacks Hulk from behind, but Hogan rallies and SPITS on him! He boots Volkoff outside but Volkoff sends him into the post and takes over and oh my GOD. Hulk Hogan is underrated at this point, right? He sells the fuck out of EVERYTHING and it makes the comeback that much more fun.
The crowd is BUZZING as Nikolai dishes out a basic beatdown that Hogan is bumbling and crawling all around for. Volkoff doing his tight-pull press slam backbreaker on HOGAN is incredible. There’s TWO heat segments here and Hulk is great on both. Every second he is doing something – looking to the crowd, being all wide-eyed on the comeback, shaking his head like “this sonofabitch…” between bursts of offense. He FIIIIIIIGHTS out of a back body drop and at this point the Hogan comeback wasn’t near overdone, so the crowd fucking LOVES it. Volkoff takes a big bump in the corner, then a legdrop for 3.
Hogan proceeds to wipe the Russian flag on his boot and spit on it and it makes me wonder what happened between then and now to where the Hulkster’s a Trump supporter. The post-match promo is great too, as Hulk cuts a fired up “Well you know something Mean Gene…” promo in response to some basic question about his participation in the wedding. Then he FLEXES. So fucking phenomenally 1980s. ***3/4
2. Uncle Elmer w/ Hillbilly Jim and Cousin Junior vs. “Gentleman” Jerry Valiant
The Hillbillies had their charm as an undercard act, I guess… yeah. Still wasn’t one of the WWF’s better decisions as they headed into The Boom. Cousin Junior’s pre-match dance really is something, though. Uncle Elmer is a big balding guy and his presence made me think – ya don’t see any balding old man wrestlers anymore. Shaved heads are it – no one’s got a straight-up bald spot like an Uncle Elmer or Earthquake. It’s sad. Anyways – Gentleman Jerry Valiant runs into a bodyslam, gets covered, and CAN’T KICK OUT! So he loses. So that was kinda neat. Bundy/S.D. Jones got the hard sell as the shortest match in Mania history at 9-seconds, but in the past week I’ve watched this 6-second match and Dynamite Kid vs. Nikolai Volkoff from the Wrestling Clasisc, which was actually 9-seconds and not the 24-seconds that Bundy/Jones really was. Fine angle.
NBC head honcho Brandon Tartikoff and ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER are shown in the crowd. Considering Arnold’s presence here, it is vaguely interesting that Bruno Sammartino wasn’t on any of these shows despite still being affiliated with the WWF at the time. Another example of the WWF pivoting to the youth, and by the youth I mean hillbillies with big bald spots.
Jesse “The Body” Ventura’s Body Shop w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
This is disappointing as it’s just a real quick Heenan promo about his $50,000 bounty on Orndorff or some shit. Heenan still the O.G., of course. Someone blows an air horn through most of the promo, so that’s something.
3. “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper
This pairing, every god damn time, is just a classic brawl. They just GO FOR IT – swinging wildly, crowd going crazy, Piper pulling Orndorff’s hair. Orndorff fires back and Piper sells like a dazed and confused professional. There’s takedowns, punches, brawling on the outside, and it all features INTENSITY!!! And sometimes that is legitimately all you need. Orndorff manages a back suplex later in the match and Body crows, “That’s the first wrestling move we’ve seen, Vince.” Piper throws a chair at Orndorff and it misses – shit is just WILD!
Orndorff was really excelling as a fired up babyface at this point – of course when he mounts a comeback, Piper just casually pokes him in the eye. Orndorff body presses Piper and they both fall over the top to the outside, and they brawl to the back as the bell rings. Orndorff chases Piper into a locker room, and Piper locks the door like the COWARD he is. ***1/2
Uncle Elmer Wedding Ceremony
So apparently this thing was REAL, Uncle Elmer actually married this lady named Joyce and they did it live on TV in the presence of Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. And it’s pretty gross, to be honest, with Vince and Jesse cracking jokes over the ceremony and just burying poor Uncle Elmer. Elmer asks the officiant to repeat himself and Jesse says, “You know the guy can’t read, now he can’t even hear.” Somebody throws TRASH at the poor wife. Hogan and Andre meanwhile are standing around, Hogan in a cut-off tuxedo and Andre in his wrestling gear. Mean Gene plays the organ! Rowdy Roddy Piper interrupts and shits all over the festivities, which leads to a weird mini-feud with The Hillbillies. This was bizarrely entertaining but didn’t come anywhere close to the fun campiness of Butcher Vachon’s Tuesday Night Titans wedding last year. Perhaps 1980s WWF weddings were best left to studio environments, where Classy Freddie and Captain Lou could shout shit.
4. Andre the Giant & Tony Atlas vs. Big John Studd & King Kong Bundy w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
Not much here – Andre chokes poor Bundy with his straps for a while, and Bundy’s reaction to the choke is good stuff. Atlas takes a brief beatdown and goes down, Studd and Bundy double team Andre, and Hulk (still in his cut-off tux and LEATHER PANTS) makes the save. Hogan and Andre are ready to battle these two punks, yes indeed! *3/4
There’s a vignette with Jungle Gene Okerlund searching for George “The Animal” Steele in the jungle. After the babyface turn at the last SNME, they did some insane angles on TNT where Steele got psychiatric treatment. George eventually went crazy again and I guess… went to the … jungle? Or, the zoo. I dunno. This is short and goofy. “George, what kind of tiger is that?” “Detroit.”
5. WWF World Tag Team Title: Greg “The Hammer” Valentine & Brutus Beefcake w/ “Luscious” Johnny Valiant [c] vs. Tony Garea & Leaping Lanny Poffo
A squash for The Dream Team – Hammer dishes a beatdown on Poffo, Poffo comes back and pulls out a second-rope moonsault. Poffo tries to fight away and Hammer just pulls his hair. A figure-four on Garea ends it. *3/4
Uncle Elmer’s Wedding Reception
More dumb fun here, though again nowhere near the insanity of the Butcher Vachon wedding on TNT last year. Tiny Tim actually shows up and wishes the couple good luck. Mean Gene tells Jesse, clad in a leather jacket, that he looks like he’s still mourning James Dean. Yanno, one of my favorite parts of going through the WWF in the 80s is hearing Mean Gene, who was relatively new to the national scene at this point but still already in his mid-40s, bust out references to things from the 50s and 60s. Anyways. I dunno. This is goofy fun but also feels a little gross. I imagine somebody found out Elmer was getting married, or was thinking about it, and to network TV they went, where the World Wrestling Federation proceeded to chew the poor couple up and spit them out for our entertainment.
Happy Thoughts: This is a show that has two people getting married and also two people in a heated Russia vs. USA fight. There were also two legitimately awesome matches, an angle to set up next month’s SNME, and ARNOLD. Another fun SNME is in the books. 7/10
