SummerSlam’s got sweet graphics and the card looks pretty great, but god damn WWE and their cut-and-paste PPV builds. Nothing exciting, surprising – there’s a card we have to get to in a few weeks so let’s just put everyone in their boring position. Sit-down interviews, attacks from behind, lazy angles and promos.
It’s a roster full of talent but in times like these you wish more felt like STARS. Maybe Bayley and Sami Zayn were just indy acts after all but man oh man do you remember the excitement? When Bayley was the top star in wrestling, when Owens vs. Zayn was clicking? Remember Bo Dallas? Tye Dillinger? American Alpha? Tyler Breeze? The journey that these fellas took us on?
Now look at em. All of em. NOBODIES! Lukewarm pops or outright boos.
Enzo Amore’s doing Austin Power references, Kevin Owens is doing a lame-ass back-and-forth interview, Finn Balor’s playing hide-and-seek with Bray Wyatt, Bayley’s getting BOOED.
Tye Dillinger and Sami Zayn only being kinda over in Canada versus SUPER CRAZY OVER should probably make WWE think. It won’t, but it should. Who wants to cheer a guy that’s probably not going anywhere?
Not to get into a whole thing about NXT, but I think I’m already there.
Half of the fun of prime NXT was thinking maybe things were gonna change, that this ride NXT took us on could be translated to the main roster – character development, motivation, title matches that mattered. Really talented in-ring competitors presented like actual superstars. Half of the fun was thinking that once these crazy kids got up to the great brass ring in the sky it was all gonna change.
There’s a whole lot to appreciate about main roster WWE, but…… woops.
RAW (8/7/17)
This was a ROUGH Monday Night RAW. Blah, boring, a bunch of questionable choices. I try to find the light in most of WWE’s darkness but YIKES.
Still though – awesome main event.
MizTV with Brock and Heyman was a promising start. Kurt Angle’s reveal of Brock as Miz’ guest, Miz’ classic reaction, Toronto popping for Brock Lesnar which caused me for a fleeting moment to forgot about all the terrible things happening on this planet we call Earth. Awesome chaotic beating of Miz and Miztourage too, with Kevin Dunn and crew choosing to film it like a Paul Greengrass movie.
Seth Rollins is over and he works well as a top guy in 2017 but man does he stink. This became prtty glaring to me as he flew all around Sheamus, barely connecting with anything and doing the most unconvincing Kawada kicks ever. Maybe I take the guy for granted though. I mean he’s over and can do a frankensteiner – what else do you need?
The Bar vs. Shield feud has had great moments with Dean and Seth but man is The Bar just such a one-note plot device. Them just glancing to the entrance ramp for Dean as they beat on Seth… it’s like some kind of meta-wrestling feud, so transparently written to just get to where they need to get. I would’ve taken Dean/Seth winning a #1 Contender’s match over this.
Seth’s whole thing is Burn it Down, Dean’s whole thing is being a rebel – so what are these two fighting against? What has caused The Shield to reunite for the first time in years? Two guys who are kind of sort of jerks? C’mon.
Jason Jordan had a squash match against a guy in Star of David tights. It was fine. Jason Jordan is a heel. That is fine.
Bayley got booed in her “I’m injured” promo and I felt very sad and awkward watching it. A lot will be written about what Bayley could have been, how her debut was handled and how all her big moments were rushed through – but if there was one god damn sure thing they had…
She’ll be back, but I don’t know, man. Pretty sure the lightning in a bottle has escaped.
At the top of the hour, the USA Network had Emma vs. Alicia Fox in the ring. Yikes. Sasha Banks was there too. They had a Triple Threat Match. Outside of Emma’s crazy-ass wheelbarrow suplex, there was not much to it.
Enzo Amore did Dr. Evil references. He and Big Show wrestled Gallows & Anderson. I thought about tidying up the house.
Big Cass did an AWESOME sell on Big Show’s KO punch post-match, amazing collapse. Other than that, this feud stinks. Enzo in a shark cage at SummerSlam. C’mon man.
When does Balor vs. Wyatt get interesting? Such filler shite. Although – Corey Graves’ half-asleep delivery of “The mind games continue… between Balor and Wyatt” into a Mercury Insurance plug was such phenomenally wonderful professional wrestling.
Dean Ambrose vs. Cesaro – sponsored by Mercury Insurance – was very good. These guys are pretty good when they just RASSLE. Superplex to the outside tease, backbreaker catch, Dean doing some great sells of Cesaro’s uppercuts. Dean was selling the shit out of his ribs and just looked broken, while Cesaro’s character consistently disappoints me but guy gets it done in the ring. Both guys trading strikes, rapid-fire body shots by Cesaro, a boot to the face, a rebound lariat – it was like they were auditioning for the G1 Climax!
Sunglasses Sheamus, arms folded watching outside, might’ve been my favorite part of the whole match though.
The Seth/Dean face-off, YES chants, Dean offering the fist – all incredible stuff, but as I said above – C’MON.
An Ariya Daivari match was definitely what this show needed. God. He wrestled Tozawa and whatever.
This show coulda used Samoa Joe killin a guy on the undercard.
Mickie James vs. Dana Brooke vs. Nia Jax was way better than I expected.
Not necessarily 100% terrible on paper, but after the couple hours preceding it, definitely 100% terrible on paper. But wow. Dana and Nia clearly worked a lot together in the PC and Mickie’s a pro. They kept it moving, Dana and Mickie had a random STRONG STYLE exchange, Dana and Mickie bumped their ASSES off for Nia Jax, and god DAMN did Nia body Dana towards the end. A fine wrestling match.
And then the main event happened and fuck yeah. Roman Reigns is the best wrestler in the world. He’s in his protected environment (or, yard), but he’s adapted the ever-present top babyface Bruno/Hogan/Cena formula for a new world and it’s incredible – compelling, physical, heated professional wrestling. I honestly worry for the guy – he has been giving everything he has in 2017 and at some point the guy that gives everything he has gets hurt.
Braun Strowman meanwhile continues to be the monster that this era desperately needed.
WWE becoming Mid-South in the summer of 2017 has been awesome. This was just two big boys going at it. Roman was selling everything like he was absolutely DEAD, a supersized Ricky god damn Morton. So many great moments… Braun just running into Roman early, Roman’s RECKLESS stair shots that had me freaking out, Braun lifting Roman for the powerbomb like he was NOTHING, Braun’s DROPKICK and Roman’s sell. And then BRAUN THREW AN OFFICE CHAIR AT ROMAN REIGNS’ FACE. Amazing. Samoa Joe did something too. Just a blast of a professional wrestling main event.
SMACKDOWN (8/8/17)
This was a very OK show, but it just kept on being so OK that by the end I didn’t like it. Lots of mediocrity here, but it was also a pretty straightforward stripped down pro wrestling show and I was rarely bored so whatever. A better show start to finish than RAW but no peak that came anywhere close to Roman/Braun.
Actually I take that back – Arn Anderson showing up on TV was way better than Roman/Braun.
Always a fan of Big Match John milking a 10-minute promo out of losing. He did a promo battle with Baron Corbin and it was OK if not a little forced. Skinny fat references, dumpster fire chants… this is what’s happening.
Sami Zayn/Tye Dillinger vs. The Usos was a pitch perfect TV time tag. Crowd-pleasing face run, Usos beatdown, fun finish. Post-match The New Day got all serious and violent with chairs and it was awesome.
THIS WAS A SHOW THAT HAD ARN ANDERSON. AND HE WAS BANTERING WITH BREEZANGO. AND HE PUT HIS FINGERS IN DOUGHNUT HOLES. It was weird. It was awesome.
Charlotte vs. Lana told a STORY. The outmatched babe vs. the professional WRESTLER. Loved Lana selling those chops. Should I say something about the butt spot?
Kevin Owens had a couple fun moments in the face-off with AJ Styles and Shane McMahon but it was more shit SummerSlam build. Match is set, kill time with all the tropes, move on. This time – AJ HIT SHANE! The INTRIGUE~! Eh.
I’m sure Tamina is a real sweet gal and everything but can we stop already.
Remember when Carmella and Big Cass were the hottest heels in the territory? Follow-up is important, folks.
Not much to Carmella vs. Naomi but JAMES ELLSWORTH. Loved him doing the “bring it in” with Carmella – awesome.
Feel like Naomi is slowly morphing into the Great Muta.
Orton/Breezango vs. Jinder/Singhs should’ve been the main event, that’s the wrestling I want.
Nakamura’s sit-down interview… hoo boy. Add music, Vince said! Video! Distract them from the goofy accent, god dammit!
Jinder Mahal got the biggest pop in Canada over Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. People like a winner.
Jinder vs. Orton was just a brawl all over the place for a while, it’s what ya do when there’s nothing left. Then they kind of just worked the usual match they work, but with a lot less heat. For a guy overcoming a summer of humiliation, the RKO outta nowhere wasn’t a great finish. Jinder should’ve protested and walked out.
205 LIVE (8/8/17)
I feel like the only way to talk about 205 Live anymore is sarcastically.
Let’s hook the folk with Rusev kicking Orton at the end of SmackDown and follow it up with an extended recap of the Rich Swann/TJP feud, yup.
Rich Swann’s “And may the best … cruiserweight win” THE CRUISERWEIGHTS AREN’T EVEN MEN.
Corey Graves: “In this game of one-upmanship… POINT TJP!” Urrggghh.
Cedric Alexander had a fun run vs. Tony Nese early but yeah Nese definitely needed a win ARRRGGGHHHHH.
Brian Kendrick vs. Jack Gallagher is definitely clicking and the best use of everyone’s time, yup.
Noam Dar’s young successful douche gimmick is actually something I am totally fine with.
Neville/Tozawa interview thing happened. K.
TJP vs. Swann was just a heatless TJP beatdown as Corey talked up competition and condition. Friendly competition between Rich Swann and TJP, that’s what everyone wants, yup.
Take this fucking show out back and shoot it.
NXT (8/9/17)
Eh.
The Eric Young return was neat, SAnitY isolating the Authors of Pain was neat, Rezar being tied to then dragging the guardrail was neat, but the SAnitY vs. Authors of Pain thing isn’t clicking. The Authors of Pain just aren’t babyfaces despite the attempt here, and for a heel vs. heel feud to work it needs a lot more chaos. Where did Ellering go, anyways?
What were Deuce & Domino doing on NXT? The Street Profits had themselves a fine enough debut – Montez Ford has hops, Angelo Dawkins has power and both guys have charisma – we’ll see where it goes in this weird new age NXT. I mean where’s Heavy Machinery these days, you know?
Man oh man is this Drew vs. Roode plus Roddy thing CRACKLING. J/K.
Appreciated Mauro sneaking in a plug for McGregor/Mayweather.
Oney Lorcan vs. Danny Burch was another good one between those two. Two fellas who have an aura that few guys now do – Yeah we all know this is a work but it still feels REAL. All the matwork is cautious and extra tight, the shots are extra stiff, the work is extra intense. Wasn’t as high-end as their last outing but still super fun. I love these two and hope they tag, there’s absolutely a place for two ugly bald guys teaming up to kill everybody on my wrestling TV.
Andrade Cien Almas vs. No Way Jose was the main event and designed to push Almas’ new gal Zelina Vega. OK.
MAIN EVENT (8/9/17)
Curt Hawkins vs. Apollo Crews was alright. Curt Hawkins’ entrance music shtick might be underrated. Where was Titus?
Elias = HEAT MAGNET. Canada was all over the song – incredible. Elias vs. Kalisto was a match that wouldn’t have been out of place in Jim Crockett Promotions… a basic tall mean heel working an arm, the undersized babyface flipping around and ultimately falling. This was just barely a Main Event Match Worth Watching.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Easily the Last Man Standing match, but don’t sleep on Oney vs. Burch.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: The Shield all had a good week – Ambrose/Rollins got the crowd amped, and Roman’s the Best in the World. But god damnit ARN ANDERSON showed up so he’s the MVP.
Not a great week of TV, despite some individual fun moments. SummerSlam build continues to be very cookie-cutter, despite being on-paper a good card. 205 Live and NXT are really, really sucking too.
RAW: 5/10
SmackDown: 6/10
205 Live: 2/10
NXT: 4/10
