It’s 2 weeks until WrestleMania so let’s talk about 205 Live.
205 Live, WWE’s one-hour cruiserweight showcase that they tagline “the most exciting hour on television” because they are asshole, has a solid roster and a really good match every few weeks. For any wrestling territory, that sounds pretty ideal. But despite the occasional high of a good match this show just isn’t working. The apathy I feel watching it gave me that hunch; Triple H saying so on a media conference call and Drew Gulak having a character based around it confirmed it.
Neville is a great centerpeice. Austin Aries is having a strong debut (though most guys have a strong debut). Occasionally, really really good matches!!! But, everything around it just kind of sucks.
So I am going to list 9 completely unsolicited things that I think would help it not suck.
1) Rich Swann and Gentleman Jack Gallagher need vignettes. I want them going shopping for Rich’s new wardrobe, Rich taking Jack home to meet his cousins. Jack starts dating Rich’s cousin. We’re at a real moment in this country with race. Start a conversation.
2) TJ Perkins should have a stable of sideways hat-wearing bros ala Barry from The Goldbergs – I want beatdowns ending with all of them crowing “T-J-P! T-J-P!” like they’re a bunch of badasses. Think Nese is a vacuum of charisma? Throw a hat on him. Daivari not clicking? Hat. Think of the possibilities:
3) More variety to the undercard matches. Everybody works the same basic perfectly fine WWE Superstars/Main Event type match with one extra dive, the same amount of chinlocks, and something tacked on to the end to tell a story. Work your god damn gimmicks. Tell a story in the ring. Get weird.
4) More trios matches… most of the 6-mans done by the 205 crew haven’t been great but with such little character how could they be? Establish an unbeatable heel team, get your faces over, boom you got a stew – tags and 6-mans for days.
5) Also, convince Vince McMahon that it is entirely possible for a black guy and a Luchador and a Pakistani guy to team up on a regular basis. I am fully convinced this is why we don’t have more of them.
6) Message for Wrestler A by Wrestler B, Message for Wrestler B by Wrestler A, Contract Signing between Wrestler A and Wrestler B – stop writing like you’re auditioning for The Walking Dead.
7) No more Tony Nese bodyscissors. Enough.
8) Do not fuck up Akira Tozawa.
9) Finally, beating the deadest of horses – but after SmackDown? In a tired arena? Really?
RAW (3/20/17)
RAW was pretty good, it’s been better than normal recently but it’s still a bloated show with so many dead spots in between some awesome stuff. Liked the thread of Stephanie McMahon punishing all of Foley’s pals – Zayn, Cesaro & Sheamus, Bayley. Glad they’re paying off the Foley stuff but man was that a rough run. Who got over after all of this? Was it Foley? Zayn? We already knew Triple H was an ass.
Samoa Joe vs. Sami Zayn was a lot of fun. Zayn leaping onto Joe to start was SWEET! Zayn and Joe are two guys who complement each other well and weirdly seem tailor made for good TV matches together if not epic PPV matches. This was similar to the Fastlane match, with Joe taking it to Zayn and everything delivered with a look of seething disgust. Had more of a finish tacked on too. Joe isn’t in his physical prime but guy knows how to put a match together – signature spots strung together, comeback, character… hit all the right notes. Loved Zayn’s sell of the seated chop to the back by just grabbing his mouth like “OH FUCK.” Also enjoyed him looking like he was about to shimmy like Eddie Guerrero after nailing that big clothesline. Zayn might be getting pigeonholed as a guy that makes other guys look good, but he’s also likable so can probably fight through that if they want him to.
Foley’s goodbye to the locker room hit all the feelings… heart-wrenching (“They say don’t meet your heroes, but I’m glad I met mine”), hilarity (“Wish I could’ve done more for you guys” for the cruiserweights, and god damn straight-up creepiness (Triple H just slunk against a wall like he’s some old unemployed guy who owns one suit selling drugs at a junior high).
Charlotte vs. Dana Brooke was like Ric Flair vs. Ricky Morton if…. I’m just kidding LOL. Dana to her credit showed some good intensity taking it to Charlotte but ehhhhh. And then it just ended with a boot after a few minutes, which is what you do when you’re not super interested in following up on anything. “We Want Paige” chants means the American Experiment has failed.
Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens is the Feud of WrestleMania… Triple H vs. Seth Rollins is all Triple H promos, Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar is all video packages, Roman vs. Undertaker is Roman vs. Braun… Jericho vs. Owens is where the god damn week-to-week professional wrestling is. Kevin Owens, Family Man and Hero of the Professional Wrestling Fan, is generating “ASSHOLE” chants for beating up Rich Multi-Millionaire Podcast Empire Rock Star Chris Jericho. Jericho was #OVER in Brooklyn – fun promo… 16-year-old Kevin Owens pic, Direct Messages, Samoa Joe. Liked Jericho’s completely generic advice for KO in the DMs, loved the tearing up of the List of Jericho getting a legitimate dramatic “NNNOOOOO” reaction from the crowd.
TJ vs. Kendrick was an acceptable 2-minute TV match – TJ got a run on offense to crickets, then Kendrick pulled his hair and won.
Nia Jax vs. Bayley in a No DQ Match where a single chair was used was OK. Nia’s solid but you’re still watching a monster-in-training – she just ain’t all in yet. I need more bobbling around, more viciousness – C’MON, JAX!!! That rana catch on the outside was sweet. Liked the running knee from Bayley on the comeback and the bump on the top turnbuckle to setup the finish. Definitely made sense for Charlotte and Sasha to just watch the match and not to get involved. Yup.
Triple H once again carrying a WrestleMania feud with a Shield member based on his promos alone… he hath no faith. He reminded me of Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia here – he’s got a plan he’s all excited about and god DAMN is he going to drag this fucker out. “Here’s some comps, Seth … HA! Actually on second thought I DO want my Mania payday.” I assume this non-sanctioned match is a total clusterfuck with Foley, Zayn, Joe, maybe even RVD or Booker T or something. AJ/Rollins/Zayn vs. Triple H’s crew could be fun for the summer if they don’t over-do it. Oh god they are going to over-do it.
Was that handicap tag match a metaphor for our entire political process? Feigned cooperation and fighting, followed by the status quo remaining the same. The Brouge Kick Hart Attack was neat at least.
Austin Aries is the New King. Now he’s got an elbow drop signature spot! Nice rolling elbow finish and Neville impression too. Austin Aries has a command of the audience, baby, and it is spectacular.
Hell of a TV main event before the Taker appearance. Roman and Braun have GREAT freakin’ chemistry, this is a damn WrestleMania main event waiting to happen. Shorter than the Fastlane match and no finish, but fun the whole time with a bunch of nice power spots that all flowed really well, I mean this sucked was laid OUT – Braun chokes Reigns into the corner, Reigns blocks a swing and takes it to Braun, Irish whip attempt by Reigns but Braun blocks it and just throws him outside. Reigns tries to hit the Drive-By but gets clotheslined – POP. Braun works over Reigns who sells his ass off per usual, then takes a gorgeous shoulder post bump. The sheer INSANITY of that Samoan drop and Reigns’ struggle on the lift – POP! Reigns hits the Drive-By, gets thrown into the steps, Braun picks up the steps, SUPERMAN – POP!!! Superman again, Braun blocks, powerslam attempt, Reigns gets out, boot to Braun, lift – SUPERMAN!!!! OOOHHWWWAAAAA—DONG!!!!! THE UNDERTAKER. Undertaker’s realization he was getting speared by Reigns – so good.
I like how Braun is still being protected during all this nonsense – someone’s gotta carry the god damn brand when these part-time pricks leave. I just got really excited thinking about AJ Styles and Braun Strowman having a promo-off on a go-home show, AJ flanked by The Club and Braun in a three-piece suit. Can you IMAGINE?
SMACKDOWN (3/21/17)
Alright let’s be honest, SmackDown has been reliable but a little off for the last couple months – Randy/Wyatt hasn’t been on fire (GET IT?), they had to get the pieces in place for Mania, the tag division disappeared, and Dolph Ziggler… but this show was a lot of fun. Good wrestling, good sports entertainment, got me fired up for Mania, flowed well, moved fast. Great tag match. John Cena squashed a guy. Randy Orton vs. Baron Corbin happened. Shane McMahon elbow dropped through a table. Total Divas Bullshit now exists. Good stuff.
Have I mentioned how much I dig the Daniel Bryan cold opens? This week – THEY ADDRESSED THE TIMING ISSUES FROM LAST WEEK. ALSO, DEAN AMBROSE IS MISSING.
How about The Usos vs. American Alpha? WHAT A MATCH. Don’t think it went over 10 minutes but every second counted. Liked the early stuff with Alpha out-wrestling The Usos, that kind of stuff has been missing since the main roster call-up. Nice cut-off during commercial by The Usos, with a BIG bump by Chad Gable off the ropes. Nice Bret Hart corner bump by young Chad as well. Usos kept the beatdown moving, Jordan rocked the corner work, and MAN was the crowd buying those tag teases. Once the hot tag was made this got WILD. I mean this ESCALATED. Great near falls and counters – the Angle slam (or, A SLAM!), Doomsday bulldog setup > superick > Usos cradle, Superfly splash. The near fall off the eventual Doomsday bulldog with Jordan getting pulled outside got a legit GASP out of the crowd. Then Gable hits a moonsault off the top to the floor because fuck it, THERE IS A WRESTLEMANIA SIGN NEARBY. And finally Jordan goes down to a superkick and we get new champs. Hope there’s regret not putting this on Mania, though it would’ve gotten overshadowed – just wish we lived in a world where some tag team rasslin could be featured in the middle of a big card and be one of the best parts of the show. Pressure’s on, Nikki Bella.
Should probably note reluctant appreciation on WWE’s new trope of running alternate timeline Mania main events in the lead-up to Mania – last year we got Triple H vs. Ambrose, this year we get Usos vs. Alpha and Wyatt vs. Harper.
Yanno, this Miz/Maryse going all-in on Cena and Nikki angle is probably a year or two late, but we had to wait for Miz to get his groove back. Total Bellas Bullshit was tremendous. Pretty freakin’ nuanced performance by Maryse here, to be honest. “You know WHAT? WHAT.” Miz’s salute and HEREWEGO got a LOL out of this fella. Loved all of this, such glorious sports entertainment. That being said, Miz needs to bring this home with an angry promo next week – re-establish why you hate Big Match John, MIKE.
Randy Orton vs. Baron Corbin was nothing spectacular but good solid work, a reliable Randy Orton TV match with a fired up opponent. Hope to see this with some more shine on it in the future. Liked Corbin’s under-the-ropes lariat countered with the Randy powerslam. He did look a little goofy feeding for Randy though. Dean’s run-in was good stuff – first the commotion for the forklift rolling in, then “Hey, Corbin! Are ya busy?” leading to the RKO. A fine way to use all these gentleman in the lead-up to WrestleMania.
The Bray Wyatt backstage thing with the sheep and Orton wasn’t amazing but was also so uniquely professional wrestling that I had to appreciate it. This feud has been a miss for me starting with the Randy turn though.
Yes, yes. It was Lance Catamaran vs. Chett Chesterfield. John Cena vs. Fandango. What a segment, what a promo, what a squash match. Nikki done speared Breezy Bella’s tits off. Approvals all-around.
Becky vs. Carmella was kind of a lazy way to keep building the women’s cluster. Not terrible or anything, just one of those things where we’re killing time til the big show. At least Ellsworth took a missile dropkick.
The AJ Styles/Shane feud opened and closed the show. When did AJ become a great promo? AJ Styles is like if Eddie Gilbert had Ric Flair’s talent. Liked the mis-direction of Rhyno & Heath in the limo, though they didn’t really sell it enough. Hoping for AJ vs. Rhyno on the Mania go-home. Shane elbow drop through the table is how you remind the folks that this match gonna be crazy. Yeah Shane’s punches suck, but he’s Vince McMahon’s son and AJ is gonna get a million dollars shut up.
TALKING SMACK (3/21/17)
The best promos in wrestling are on Talking Smack. Great Ambrose promo, great Usos promo – HALL PASS. Daniel Bryan’s rap name is SWEET BEETS. Then John Cena and Nikki Bella just wrecked Miz and Maryse. “Congratulations Maryse, you finally did work.” “You’re not the IT couple, you’re the SHHHHH…. it couple.” FUCK. Then Daniel Bryan closes the show referencing the Triple H/Seth Rollins hold harmless agreement HAHA.
205 LIVE (3/21/17)
205 Live had a good main event so it gets a pass. Still though, eh. TJ Perkins vs. Tony Nese got like 15 minutes and that’s OK in theory, what with TJ’s impressive flying and precision, and Tony Nese’s… flexing. But it was just drenched in that 205 Live apathy, and TJ really does just run through his moves sometimes. Liked the build to the two Nese finishes (turnbuckle German, running knee), at least. Drew Gulak as a creepy Trump aide wanting to fix 205 Live is something I can get behind. Jack Gallagher and Rich Swann need vignettes if they’re gonna teach each other cultural stereotypes not awkward backstage trash. Tozawa squashed a guy with a single snap German, can do a lot worse than a one-move Tozawa match. This Kendrick stuff will probably be looked at better in retrospect – the promos are suitably creepy, it’s just stuck in first gear.
Neville vs. Mustafa Ali was really good, loving Neville’s run right now where he has to just burst through the layer of filth that 205 Live puts on every match. Liked all the early stuff with Neville being cocky and Ali all fired up to prove himself. Big bumps by Ali, beautiful moves. Neville was on another level here, landing on his head off the tilt-a-whirl DDT and aggressively shaking his fingers to make sure he wasn’t paralyzed after the incredible springboard Spanish fly. The tornado DDT catch by Neville was awesome too. Can’t believe these nutjobs delivered on the top rope German, and Neville’s springboard to set it up was really impressive. Plus it ended with a punishing Rings of Saturn, as any Neville vs. young boy match should. Well done. With some more tender loving care put into this, it was a star-making performance for Ali. Love that guy.
NXT (3/22/17)
There’s a TakeOver coming up? Talking about NXT right now is repetitive – the buzz is gone, but there’s still some good stuff. Andrade Almas vs. Oney Lorcan was legitimately awesome – they got some time and these suckers went all out, a couple of fellas who want that Andre Battle Royal spot. These two have some weirdly awesome chemistry where they just hit each other really hard and will you into caring despite you having no real reason to. Highlights were Oney taking a powerslam off the stairs, Oney’s crazy-ass somersault plancha, Almas’ handspring double pele, the intensity on all of Oney’s running back elbows, and that last boot by Oney and the BIG lariat by Almas. Well worth watching.
Asuka also had herself a sweet squash, she should’ve been doing stuff like this for the last six months instead of being Missing in Action until TakeOver time. For that matter Ember should’ve been doing stuff like this too. “Ember Moon, this is your head” – KICK!!! The Roode/Nakamura video package was okay but what even is this feud? Sick and tired of part-timers like Shinsuke Nakamura stealing spots from the BOYS.
That 6-man tag main event sure was a 6-man tag. Look, I love the idea of the undercard babyfaces teaming up, but vs. SAnitY? Roddy threw a nice dropkick on Wolfe and had a solid hot tag. I like Wolfe’s bumps. Otherwise, who cares? Ruby Riot had a debut which could be interesting, as one says every time someone debuts on NXT before it isn’t. Tye was heading towards something and then this feud happened. The lack of pop he got was kind of telling – I know the UCF taping was long, but what happened to NXT?
MAIN EVENT (3/22/17)
This show sucks. Curtis Axel vs. Jinder Mahal was highlighted by a shot of fans booing Axel for his entrance. I mean what is this guy even supposed to be? Jack Gallagher/Gran Metalik vs. Noam Dar/Ariya Daivari had some cool stuff from Metalik. They should do something with that guy.
WWE TV Match of the Week: The Usos vs. American Alpha absolutely crushed it – 10 minutes used brilliantly, and what a god damn close.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Some good work all-around – Jericho, Roman, Braun, Maryse, AJ, Aries, and Neville all had a good week. But let’s give it up for #UsosWrestleMania.
Decent entertainment, good wrestling. It’s been a slow month for the in-ring stuff but this week gave it a kick in the ass with Joe/Zayn, Roman/Braun, Usos/Alpha, and Oney/Almas. Speaking of that, Oney Almas is a better ring name than Oney Lorcan and Andrade Almas.
RAW: 6/10
SmackDown: 8/10
205 Live: 5/10
NXT: 4/10
