I’m an idiot who overthinks this stuff.
There were a couple intriguing match rumors for WrestleMania – Owens vs. Jericho, Wyatt vs. Orton.
The idea of them was fine, but I was wondering how they’d do it. How do they get there in an interesting way?
Oh.
Yeah that’s how you do it.
I went into RAW thinking, OK. Sasha might turn on Bayley tonight. Oh, it’s the main event? Alright – Sasha’s definitely turning on Bayley.
Because I’m an idiot who overthinks this stuff.
And I thought, OK. Owens and Jericho – they’ll fool around in the middle of the show. Because that’s what they do. They’ll make fun of Goldberg – maybe we’ll even get a surprise Goldberg appearance. And at Fast Lane, Jericho will cost Owens the Universal Title, which will get us to Owens vs. Jericho at Mania.
Because I’m an idiot who overthinks this stuff.
But for once – I’m glad I’m an idiot who overthinks this stuff. Because as I overthought, the professional wrestling took me on a ride I haven’t been taken on since I was a damn child absolutely transfixed by Shawn Michaels turning on Marty Jannetty or Jake the Snake’s snake biting Randy Savage’s arm, since The Rock broke off from the Nation of Domination and Stone Cold screwed with Vince McMahon – they had me with Bryan’s road to WrestleMania 30, Rollins turning on the Shield… they’ve got me sometimes, and I’ve loved it. But god damn.
And I know that might be silly – I can see The Onion headline now: Grown Man Just Happy To Be Surprised By Something.
But I am happy. Professional wrestling is so sweet. They had me laughing. They had me crying. They had me heartbroken.
KO, Chris Jericho, and those crazy kooks in charge of the WWE had me legitimately completely shocked, with a classic audible “OH FUCK” emitting from my mouth right as Jericho uttered “How come my name’s on this”
Mwa. MWAAAA. Absolutely beautiful.
RAW (2/13/17)
The old saying goes – RAW dragged in parts, but the good was real good. They’re giving some folks momentum with some enhancement matches, they’ve done good with Samoa Joe 3 weeks in a row, Braun Strowman took on Mark By God Henry, KO and Jericho put out the Angle of the Decade, and the main event between Charlotte and Bayley was tremendous.
This whole show seemed laid out as a troll on folks who overthink this stuff in the best possible way. It opened up with cringe-worthy PPV promotion on commentary, a condescending Stephanie McMahon introduction, Roman Reigns entering and demanding a match he won’t get, an awkward shoe-in of a match announcement, a 2-on-1 Handicap Match with Roman against the Tag Team Champs. Cherry on top was Stephanie saying playa and holla. I mean good god was all of this disgusting. And by the end of the show it just didn’t matter.
Two massive, massive highlights here – Kevin Owens turning on Chris Jericho and reverting back to the credible piece of shit heel who should’ve been Universal champ all along, and Bayley winning the RAW Women’s Title in an excellent main event match with Charlotte.
The Festival of Friendship, man. Just astounding.
What do we want out of our entertainment, anyways? Out of these light-up screens we call televisions? Out of the art we look to to make sense of a world that makes no damn sense at all? Laughter, maybe? Knowledge? To feel something, anything deep within our gut?
What do we want out of our sports entertainment? Laughter, yeah sure but not necessary – this whole thing is bizarre to begin with. Knowledge, doubtful. But feeling – yeah, that’s good. A compassion for the larger than life characters that we watch, an empathy and connection and sometimes even sorrow that consumes us even though we know it’s all written ahead of time anyways. Maybe some surprise too? Surprise is nice. It’s good when it’s a punchline to a joke, it’s good when it’s a kind gesture. It can be bad, too, of course. A break-up. A death. Or maybe a gift from your best friend who’s about to stab you in the back.
The Festival of Friendship had all that is great about this crazy stupid business: laughter, tears, heartbreak – it hit all the notes.
First there was the laughter. WWE makes attempts at comedy a lot and sometimes it’s funny but usually it’s cringe-worthy awkward because the audience it’s usually geared to is an old powerful rich man with some weird-ass things that make him tick. But this was funny man – not an exhaling of air through the nose or a goofy smile smile – I mean laugh out loud, L-M-F-A-O funny. The Jericho intro, the music, Jericho’s stupid hat, Jericho dancing like a complete goof while Owens stood by just expressionless, a straight man extraordinaire. The hilarious piece of art, hysterical painting, a guy named FRIENDSHIP THE MAGICIAN doing shitty magic tricks, followed by Jericho putting him on THE LIST.
Then Jericho called out Goldberg so he could give him … awkward cut to commercial… “IT.” And then fucking Gillberg came out, because this segment just had to be completely legendary. I mean it could’ve ended here and it would’ve been a blast, but…
Then there was the tears. Jericho re-affirmed his love for KO – they are best friends, man. It ain’t just respect. They actually like each other. They make each other laugh. They help each other. All the build throughout the show of them doing just that was so great.
And then there was the heartbreak. Far be it from a pro wrestling fan to engage in hyperbole, but Jericho’s performance here was Emmy-worthy. Owens gives him a gift, he opens it up – it’s a new list! He is absolutely just TICKLED. Owens looks on as Jericho investigates his cool new toy. And then. And then and then and then… “How come my name’s on this?” The clipboard is lifted, it says The List of KO. Mic drop. There are not many things on this planet I love more than a WWE swerve complete with a mic being dropped.
BOOM. Beatdown. Vicious, brutal beatdown. A flurry of punches, a breaking of the painting, a powerbomb on the apron (thanks, DDP Yoga), and finally the Smashing of Jericho through the television screen, glass shattering reminiscent of Shawn Michaels turning on Marty Jannetty in the early 90s and Chris Jericho attacking Shawn Michaels some 20 years later. A complete and utter surprise – one of those wrestling surprises where your subconscious is going “that would be cool if…” and then they actually do do it. This was just the best thing WWE has done in forever – they took me for a ride and hooked even the most jaded old wrestling fan. Plus there’s the intrigue and hook of Triple H talking to Owens backstage before all this – is Triple H gathering his NXT troops to consolidate power? Maybe. Maybe. And maybe the follow-up sucks. That’s always a possibility too. But oh man. What a piece of brilliant sports entertainment. It was the Red Wedding if Jon Snow had slit Sam Tarly’s throat. If angles got ratings, this is five-stars all the way.
Charlotte vs. Bayley for the RAW Women’s Title headlined the show and was an awesome match too. It occurred to me during this match that Charlotte might legitimately be the best American female wrestler ever. It’s early yeah. She’s got more focus on her than any lady wrestler in the WWE ever has too, sure. But man oh man, what a run she is having. She carries herself like such a champion and every little thing she does in these big matches matters – her offense, body part work, looks of cockiness as she has control and angry desperation when she doesn’t.
The early hold-trading was good stuff – Charlotte trading and working holds is becoming one of my favorite things in wrestling, as everything feels legit and big time and she gets more out of a wristlock than anybody on the current WWE roster – Neville is the only person I can think of that comes close. Bayley gets in a slap to go to commercial, establishing she ain’t fucking around – this wasn’t just trading moves like a standard RAW TV match, this was telling a god damn story. Bulk of the match was Charlotte going after Bayley’s neck – dragging her into the bottom turnbuckle, wailing away with punches, and best of all hitting an absolutely crushing moonsault off the barricade that felt like a damn grand piano shattering every part of Bayley’s vertebrae. Bayley rallied with some great stuff – the flying elbow and backdrop suplex, hitting the Macho elbow and a Bayleyrana for two excellent near falls. Loved Bayley pre-Macho elbow, almost losing her balance then smiling and hitting it. Dana Brooke ran out to help Charlotte and Sasha Banks ran out to even the odds, nailing Charlotte in the tits with a crutch leading to Bayley winning the title. Would’ve Bayley ending Charlotte’s PPV streak and winning the Women’s Title in front of the world at WrestleMania been so awesome? Yeah sure. Definitely. But this was fucking great. Confident performance by Charlotte, great selling by Bayley, good shifts in momentum, great near falls… just top shelf stuff by these two.
Show had some classic RAW time-killing on it, but there was other good stuff too.
Samoa Joe getting the hard sell is amazing, first taking out Seth Rollins, then pinning Roman Reigns, and now arriving in a limo with Triple H (what a wildly awesome visual) and getting a sit-down interview. It’s a very Shield-esque introduction which before they blew everything up was incredible stuff. Joe was really really good in the interview, just a calm collected hired hand who isn’t excited to be here under the big lights of Monday Night RAW – he has been ready for this forever and is going to rain down destruction on anyone in his path. Cole was good here too, not sure quite how to take Joe, thinking any wrong question might get him dropped – felt like a New York Times reporter grilling Sean Spicer if Spicer had credibility. “H-hear me out.”
Rusev vs. Sami Zayn is a tremendous matchup on paper but was pretty cold thanks to a serious de-emphasizing of RuRu since the Reigns feud, as well as the fact that it followed the Joe sit-down interview which was a good bit of TV but probably absolute crushing death for the crowd. Lot of fun little moments here… these are two guys who go outside of the box and always do a few things per match that make me go “damn that guy’s a pro.” Zayn working his way into the dropkick, the Machka to the outside, Rusev’s knees on the ropes followed by fallaway slam, Sami wailing away at Rusev on the top, Rusev’s crazy-ass corner bump to the outside… all good stuff. Liked the post-match angle with Joe too – all in on the pivot from Joe/Rollins, loved the “OH SHIT” feel of Joe’s music hitting and Zayn’s “aw fuck” reaction.
Reigns vs. Gallows & Anderson to open the show was a whole lot of nothing, outside of Reigns selling well and the awkward counter of the Magic Killer. There were a lot of good enhancement matches tonight though – not sure anyone’s clear on the direction for 90% of the lower and midcard, but while figuring things out this was a good way to go. Like, most of these matches actually accomplished something, at least more than a RAW match usually does. Kofi Kingston squashed Bo Dallas which was perfectly fine and included a spot where blueprints for an ice cream machine got torn up – on TV it was stupid, but on paper that really does seem like all that is glorious about professional wrestling. Jack Gallagher vs. Noam Dar was alright, had some solid BritWres stuff and the headbutt spot is always a winner.
Braun Strowman vs. Mark Henry was a fine slugfest for 5 minutes – Henry’s lost a step, but loved him showing some babyface fire. Plus BRAUN threw a damn dropkick. The Roman/Strowman showdown was neat stuff and those two are just a great matchup, as they both sell a big guy showdown really well. The Tozawa/Daivari enhancement match was pretty great too – Tozawa is an absolutely can’t miss talent and if they fuck him up it’ll be an absolute crime. So much goodness in just a few minutes – the HAW! chants, pause & slap spot, his big bump off the clothesline, snap rana, amazing tope, pretty kicks leading to the snap German, and of course his straight-up charisma. Enzo vs. Cesaro did suck – Enzo’s destiny, if he wants it, is Captain Lou Albano – not guy working Cesaro on RAW. Over-the-top bump was rough indeed, but whatever. We’ll get through it.
Oh and Emmalina has some intrigue to her, but, yeesh.
SMACKDOWN (2/14/17)
SmackDown was a good show; I am consistently impressed with how they use a thin roster and still keep everything fresh, even if they’re using a lot of the same tropes (matches not starting, heel sneak attacks, Daniel Bryan setting up matches for next week). This had a squash for the tag champs to setup their next feud, a layered angle to setup a Mania feud, the ace and former champ of the women’s division proving she deserves her spot, two big women’s matches setup for next week, an awesome 3-way for the World Title, and an incredible angle adding some real mystery and intrigue to the WrestleMania World Title match. Plus you’ve got the presumed AJ/Shane and Cena/Miz feuds waiting in the wings and not shoved down your throat.
D-Bry was just announcing great stuff left and right tonight… adding AJ Styles to the Cena/Wyatt main event, feeding Ellsworth to Ambrose, announcing Nikki/Natalya Falls Count Anywhere and a #1 Contender Battle Royal for next week.
American Alpha vs. The Ascension was a decent TV tag match that moved fast and gave Alpha some steam, though the idea behind a top rope double clothesline is a lot better than the execution. All in on heel Usos getting some love and going after Alpha – what a god damn promo they are. Actually the promo work might be so strong and cool that they get more over than Alpha – we shall see.
Baron Corbin is one of the only guys in WWE with actual character motivation and I love it so much. The non-wrestling fan former football star who talked back to Norman Smiley on Breaking Ground because he’s sick of waiting for a main roster spot was a great deal in NXT and now he’s on said main roster. He won the Andre Battle Royal on Day 1 and made his intentions clear on Day 2. He took out Ziggler, and yeah he treaded water a bit but Talking Smack gave him the opportunity to flesh his character out. Simply put – Baron Corbin wants to be a star. He wants the success that comes with being a star. He wants the money that comes with being a star. It’s all he talks about, all he’s working towards. He doesn’t have time to waste paying his dues – he thinks he’s better than AJ freaking Styles already. To cement himself as a star, he wants to be the WWE World Champion. Dean Ambrose kept him from that.
So he’s going to kick his ass.
The angle with Ellsworth asking Carmella to dinner, Ambrose running into them searching for Corbin because Corbin beat him up in the Chamber, the call-back to Ambrose and Ellsworth, Ambrose asking Bryan for a match with Ellsworth, and Ellsworth talking shit on the mic before Corbin dragged Ambrose’s ass out to the entrance and Deep Sixing all hell out of him is everything that is wonderful about Tuesday Night SmackDown. Simple, fun, goofy, layered stuff that got multiple things over and keeps the momentum on a new feud.
Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James was pretty good, a hair below the PPV match but accomplished just as much. I feel like SmackDown gets more leeway than RAW in having matches that tell a story in the ring – Becky just schooling Mickie early on was a fun way to go about things. Mickie got her run of offense, but it really felt like this was designed to slot Becky as completely above Mickie before Mickie cheated to win, which is such simple beautiful stuff. That’s how you use a vet like Mickie – tremendous.
NAOMI CALLED ALEXA BLISS A LITTLE FLEA AND IT WAS AMAZING.
The 3-Way World Title main event – Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena vs. AJ Styles – was awesome. Very much a pop song type of match, there’s all kinds of wrestling with deeper meaning and more meat to it but this was just non-stop madness with big moves and near falls that had the crowd flipping out. They were AMPED for this thing, I mean good lord. Harper attacking Bray to start was great stuff. Bray works TV like once every 6 months but guy has impact on everything he does, his crossbody is a thing of beauty and he doesn’t look out of place at all against Big Match John and the best wrestler in the world. I am all in on a proper AJ vs. Bray match. Match went around 15 minutes and as soon as it began (well it was joined in progress) it felt like they went right into an awesome finishing sequence that just kept jamming. And then they went to another commercial and came back to AJ splashing Wyatt onto the commentary table which didn’t break – JESUS. Loved Cena going for the roll-through AA again for the finish, AJ countering to the Calf Crusher, Cena to the STF – beautiful. Wyatt gets another pin on Cena with Sister Abigail to end it.
Show closed with Randy Orton entering and staring down Bray, then refusing the WrestleMania title shot and bowing down to him. Great angle and excellent way to go about this expected Mania match too. With the #1 Contender Battle Royal announcement for next week, you’ve got to think Luke Harper wins and Orton finds his way back in the match. Is Luke fucking Harper main eventing WrestleMania???
TALKING SMACK (2/14/17)
Talking Smack continues to be a wonderful thing that exists. Alexa Bliss and AJ Styles had some good banter with Daniel Bryan. Renee Young continues to be tremendous. Alexa blaming her title loss on the Patriots losing the Super Bowl (!?) and Apollo Crews’ starting his interview with “Hear about the Patriots?” is the greatest thing Apollo Crews has ever done on a professional wrestling show.
205 LIVE (2/14/17)
205 Live was pretty good: solid opener, strong debut, sweet backstage segment. Closed kind of poorly but a fine 51 minutes of sports entertainment. Rich Swann vs. Noam Dar was a pretty standard 205 Live type of match brought up another notch by Swann’s spectacular flipping and spin kicking and Dar being such a skeezy gross fuck. I mean the guy has a taunt where he’s honking air tits – what a prick. Ankle lock counter towards the end was a little ugly, wrapped it up with a nice Phoenix splash.
Neville/TJ interview segment was garbage – Neville was good, but while I know the lines in this post post post post meta meta post post postmodern society are blurred, my WORD is TJ Perkins just a straight-up piece of trash heel pretending to be a face. Just the absolute worst – put a mask back on this fella. Felt like these two guys were cutting promos from a different planet.
Gran Metalik debut had a lot of good stuff, a pitch perfect TV match and fine example of what he and Drew Gulak bring to the table. Metalik had the one flub early but chopped and flew his way back into the crowd’s hearts and they were going nuts for him by the end, chanting “yes we can” in Spanish and flipping out for the big dives. Gulak dropkicking Metalik right at the start was great stuff too.
Kendrick/Tozawa backstage angle was the good stuff. “I don’t think you understand what I’m offering you…” “I understand. I don’t like you.” TOZAWA IS A SUPERSTAR.
AUSTIN ARIES CALLED TJ PERKINS TEDDY JOYSTICKS.
Neville vs. Perkins had some neat stuff here and there, mostly when Neville was in control – but TJ has a shtick that just isn’t clicking right now. The BRASS has done him no favors but continuing to just run through the shtick when the crowd ain’t buying it is no good either. A very 205 Live on PPV type of match where they did some cool stuff but nothing came together. The Gentleman Jack/Neville thing at the end kind of sucked too – pretty silly to complain about wrestling silliness but why is Jack just running down and attacking Neville? Cause he’s #1 contender now? He wins the right to challenge for the championship and now it’s time to just throw down? I know Neville’s a shit but this all seems very sudden. Oh well.
NXT (2/15/17)
Eh.
Authors of Pain squashed a couple fellas. Ember Moon & Liv Morgan vs. Billie Kay & Peyton Royce had a bit of a crap match, though the Billie & Peyton finish is awesome. Tag team angle was alright: “Hey Johnny, I love ya man.” “Oh I love you too.” Kassius Ohno Returns video!
Only thing on the show worth watching was Tyler Bate vs. Trent Seven for the UK Title, which was pretty good. Tyler Bate is such a cutie pie. His fists are named bop and bang! Really liked the first few minutes – both guys twirling each other’s mustaches is as fine an introduction to these two as one would hope. Bate tries to shoulderblock Seven down a few times, Seven doesn’t budge and takes Bate down with one of his own, then twirls the mustache and goes to work. Really like watching these to work in general – bringing holds back, making everything a struggle – the work for the backslide sure was neat. Highlights for me were Seven looking at Bate after the Euro uppercut like WTF and Tyler’s big dive. I wasn’t into it suddenly becoming Lets Just Hit Some Big Moves Dawg though, felt real sudden even if they were popping Full Sail. Pretty pretty good though.
MAIN EVENT (2/15/17)
Not great, Bob. R-Truth was on commentary and called Byron Coach. Jinder Mahal vs. Sin Cara happened. Was excited about Cedric Alexander/Mustafa Ali vs. Tony Nese/Drew Gulak… Cedric did a double handspring kick to Nese and Gulak, while GUlak, after breaking up a pinfall, yelled “How do you like it, you little pip squeak!?” Otherwise nothing super notable and that’s sad – thanks a lot, Main Event.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Triple Threat on SmackDown was an absolute blast but Charlotte vs. Bayley was easily the best thing on TV this week. A superstar performance by both of them and a big moment with Bayley getting the championship.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: It’s the Road to WrestleMania, folks! Charlotte, Bayley, Samoa Joe, and Gran Metalik all had a great week. But nothing is touching Chris Jericho’s performance in the Festival of Friendship, absolutely not a thing.
Great week of TV – are they actually going to try for Mania? Oh man. OH MAAAN!
RAW: 9/10
SmackDown: 8/10
205 Live: 7/10
NXT: 4/10
