The Kickoff show remains the Kickoff show. God Bless you, Renee Young.
The WWE Network’s Browser interface is underrated – this thing made the Kickoff a breeze, got through it in about 20 minutes. The time control bar and the 10-seconds forward and back buttons are super responsive, just top shelf stuff.
Between Carmella’s confused looks and texting, she was just a tremendous surrogate for bored WWE fan during the Kickoff show.
0. Mojo Rawley vs. Curt Hawkins
Mojo Rawley has got just undeniable charisma in an arena setting. He looked good here in a super basic decent match. Would be interested to see his shtick used with a guy who’s got some real ideas to work around it – Hawkins basically just begged off, applied a chinlock, and cashed his paycheck. Every bit of **.
HAHA Jimmy and Carmella with the spotlight on them for the skybox. A perfectly fine stupid way to establish Jimmy Dream as more of a turd and give Carmella something to do.
1. Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James
Not sure this was the right match to kick off a WWE PPV but I did respect the god damn WORK. Enjoyed them holding the collar-and-elbow and working holds early, with Mickie eventually going after Becky’s arm and Becky selling that arm. Becky really is tremendous at this kind of thing. Liked her selling, liked her comebacks, and dug Mickie’s work on offense and just trying and trying to put her away at the end. Finish tells me they don’t know right now what they want to do with either (outside of maybe a multi-man match at Mania), but there you go. Good stuff. **3/4
2. Handicap Match: Apollo Crews & Kalisto vs. Dolph Ziggler
Apollo Crews ready to kick Dolph’s ass after the pre-match Kalisto beatdown was the most interesting Crews has been yet aaaaaand welp. My god, the silence. The eerie, eerie silence. 2 good guys vs. 1 bad guy, Good Guy #1 gets beat up before the match, Good Guy #2 gets his ass kicked, Good Guy #1 returns to boos, Good Guy #2 tags out like a puss, Good Guy #2 tags back in and wins. I just don’t know what we are doing here. Doesn’t matter so much it didn’t get the reaction they’d want (or did it…), it was just boring and lame. DUD
So Funaki’s co-commentator Shun Yamaguchi is Yamaguchi-san (of Kaientai fame)’s brother. Thanks, Tweet from X-Pac from a few months ago!
3. Tag Team Turmoil – SmackDown Tag Team Title: Rhyno & Heath Slater vs. Breezango, Rhyno & Heath Slater vs. The Vaudevillains, Rhyno & Heath Slater vs. The Usos, The Usos vs. American Alpha [c], American Alpha [c] vs. The Ascension
This had some decent stuff but was overall kind of crap for a 20-minute match. All the matches were individually solid. Enjoyed Breezango’s gear. Enjoyed Ascension’s facepaint. Highlights were the Heath/Fandango sunset flip spot, Heath’s big plancha, Gable’s big bump in the corner, and both Alpha finishes (even if the Usos one didn’t come together 100%). Heath was really moving here for his bit. I feel for the Usos, this heel turn is amazing but they’re doing NOTHING. Alpha REALLY REALLY needs an unlikable heel team to work off of. I mean REALLY REALLY. **1/2
4. Nikki Bella vs. Natalya
Loved Natalya ripping up a Cena sign on her way to the ring, but that prick with the sign really needed to sell it better. Natalya is doing a straight-up major league job as a wrestling character, but the match itself was a lot of her on offense to mostly silence. Happy they got a little time (this went almost 15 minutes), but it dragged. If Nikki’s so broken that she needs to mostly brawl then why is she doing so much random crazy shit? I dunno. Did not enjoy. The attack afterwards was awesome. Wish there was more of that here. *1/2
5. Randy Orton vs. Luke Harper
Randy Orton has just become basically untouchable since the comeback and Wyatt run. The work is so solid and confidence so immense that even if nothing’s happening it still feels special. He’s been around for 15 years and hasn’t changed much, yet he’s still just in control of the crowd. The lucky bastard. This thing built steadily and closed strong, eventually turning into the damn war you want from these two. Had some great spots made all the more impressive by just how big these fellas are… the huge superplex, both slugfests, the near fall off the superkicks. Good not great. ***1/4
6. SmackDown Women’s Title: Alexa Bliss [c] vs. Naomi
I am impressed with 5’1” Alexa Bliss’ ability to wrestle like she is eight feet tall. This was fun. Alexa was aggressive as all hell, Naomi was athletic as all hell, and they kept this sucker moving. Naomi’s been great since NXT Season 3 – hell yeah. **3/4
OK the “YOU DESERVE IT” for Naomi was absolutely fucking everything.
7. Elimination Chamber – WWE World Title: John Cena [c] vs. Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles vs. The Miz vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Baron Corbin
The Elimination Chamber is simultaneously super goofy and makes everybody who enters a pod look like a damn superstar. Wyatt staring down everyone with the lantern was awesome. What in the world was the deal with the mats on the outside? I mean I get that it’s safe and the steel in the first place was a crazy idea, but takes away a lot of the mystique from the Chamber.
This was so awesome. It was basically like a great Triple Threat Match with alternating guys for the entire time, non-stop action with two going at it most of the time and fun multi-man spots thrown in. Thought it was laid out well to maximize the greatness – Styles vs. Cena starting and just tearing it up, Styles, Cena and Dean next working like they were opening No Mercy, Corbin and Ambrose having weirdly good chemistry, cradle for Corbin by Dean, Corbin destroying Dean, Miz getting the pin on Dean (!), Styles vs. Cena again towards the finish, WYATT OVER CENA, Styles vs. Wyatt including Wyatt’s LARIAT, and finally WYATT OVER STYLES.
Styles lasting until end was a great choice – this was a god damn world class performance, once again, from AJ Styles. I mean this was basically AJ Styles, The Cool-Ass Wrestler, getting his first crack at the Elimination Chamber and doing all the crazy shit you’d hope for. Taking the release suplex on the outside, the triple German, getting launched into the cage, slingshot legdrop to the outside, climbing the cage with Cena, just bouncing his head off the enclosure, having mini-epics with Cena and Wyatt.
This had the expected big spots (Dean jumping off the pod, triple German, Cena falling from the cage, Ambrose crashing through the pod, Cena crossbody off the pod) and fun character moments (Dean’s reaction to his pod going off, Corbin waiting for Miz, Corbin killing Dean, Miz pinning Dean, Miz’ YES kicks, AJ and Wyatt briefly teaming up, Cena deciding the only way to win is to plancha off the cage, Wyatt’s destruction). Incredible Sister Abigail on AJ to finish. Good for Bray – I mean it has been a fucking journey to get here and it is about god damn time. ****1/4
Talking Smack – just love Daniel Bryan’s singular desire to get The Ascension over. Love it. Alexa/Mickie, American Alpha and Naomi interviews… pretty straightforward stuff, really needed more weird Bryan or a psychotic Miz promo or Alexa going more scorched earth on losing to reach greatness.
The Elimination Chamber match itself was a blast, well worth checking out. But at 3 hours, this thing dragged. Naomi’s title win, Becky/Mickie and Orton/Harper are all pretty good. Rest ranged from not notable to actively bad. SmackDown remains good week-to-week TV, but clearly some things on the show outside the top guys need some tender loving care. WWE’s been batting well with PPVs for a while, this was a weaker one. 4/10
