We are a week out from the Royal Rumble, which – despite some real confusing choices the last few years – remains the most fun match in professional wrestling, outside of MAYBE a 3-on-1 Braun Strowman Handicap Match. There is nothing on earth quite as fun as counting down those 10 seconds, man. The anticipation! The intrigue! The cameos! The surprises!!! It’s the closest pro wrestling comes to It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
Over the years the Rumble has brought all kinds of wonderful moments: the first signs of Hogan’s waning power as top babyface, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels going the distance, the 3 Foley’s, STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD, Drew Carey vs. Kane, Vince blowing out his quads, HBK vs. Undertaker, Cena’s MSG return, Punk trying to induct people into the Straight Edge Society, Booker T and Diesel returning, Kofi being a crazy man, and of course the debut of AJ Styles. Sure there were some real trash entrants year after year, and one year all the god damn announcers got in, and the last few Rumbles with Roman and Batista and Cena were real disappointments, but last year felt like it got its’ groove back and this sucker is shaping up to be a pretty big deal.
The brand split has been a really good thing for the Royal Rumble – it’s got a few major stars from yesteryear, a few current top guys, and most of all a ton of guys who were made bigger deals thanks to the draft – Miz, Braun, Corbin, Ziggler, and Zayn all seem primed to do something interesting when they would’ve been after-thoughts most other years. Even Mojo Rawley feels like he’s going to contribute something, and who is fucking READY for Luke Harper to unleash hell on all those who have wronged him? There’s not only no clear winner, but a ton of possible routes they can go that make actual sense, both as far as basic professional wrestling goes and how that weird psychopath Vince McMahon might go.
Does Goldberg win so they can milk everything they can out of him? Brock so he can face Goldberg for the Universal strap at Mania? New Day because it’s time they do something interesting? Jericho to setup an Owens feud? Braun to face Roman? Corbin to start a monster push? A Wyatt Family guy to give them a shot in the ass? Undertaker to challenge Cena? Miz because he deserves it? Zayn to set up a match with Owens (LOL?) Kenny Omega to make an impact (HAHAHAHAHA)? Does Samoa Joe debut? Does Finn Balor come back? Will it be The Big Show? BECAUSE WHO COULD ELIMINATE THE BIG SHOW???
I’m sure in the end I’ll be disappointed by another WWE six-hour extravaganza that probably ends with more confusion than a clear path forward but you know what – it’s the anticipation that makes the wrestling fan tick the most sometimes, not the payoff.
Sometimes on this here blog I’ll try to make writing about the sometimes-mundane world of WWE more interesting by making a joke or acting like I’m detached or some kind of angry cynic. But I want you to know that I use that detached cynicism as a coping mechanism. I love my professional wrestling. And I love the Royal Rumble.
NOTE: Going to do a new thing this week – ratings for each major show (RAW, SmackDown, 205 Live, NXT) at the end. Why? Because I’m aware that the people of this great world might not have time to read all my words. There’s a lot going on out there in the United States of America – I appreciate it if you’re here, but if you wanna go outside and spend some time organizing or making your community a better more inclusive place then please go do that. The rankings are going to be out of 10 because that sounds like the right way to go about this right now. I rank on a curve, of course – peak 205 Live is different than peak SmackDown, yanno??
RAW continued chugging along and being its’ red band self – a couple neat highlights surrounded by a bunch of mediocre shite. It’s like a song with a good chorus but garbage verses that last 45 minutes.
Highlights were good. Seth Rollins and Sami Zayn had themselves a heck of a little match. Had a questionable first 10 minutes but an awesome back 5. Rollins had some real star presence on that intro – dig the new taunt and the confident walk to the ring. Lots of chain wrestling and forced BIG MOVES! at the start, which is fine and all but didn’t really grab me. But then they had some decent near falls off the Blue Thunder and Michinoku Driver and Falcon Arrow and Sami hit a top rope powerbomb and an Exploder to the corner and Rollins hit a Pedigree on the apron and well god damn it got pretty wild. They made some real effort in making this whole thing make sense too – pitting Rollins and Zayn against each other for a Rumble spot is a solid General Manager move, and using it to move along Triple H/Seth Rollins is a solid Vince McMahon move. Fun finish – I freaked for the Triple H tease and both Rollins and Zayn sold it well.
The closing angle with Goldberg, Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker was pretty hot too and at the same time one of the weirdest things to ever happen on WWE TV. What in gods’ name was going on with Big Bill Goldberg tonight!? He busted out of the locker room with a cut on his big bald head that trickled down more and more as the promo went on and on top of that he forgot all of his lines! I mean WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL. They got things back with the Heyman interruption, Brock surprise, Brock/Goldberg staredown, and The Undertaker showing up but for fuckssakes this whole thing made me feel very weird inside my body. I’ll let somebody else write about the implications of building the Rumble around part-timers – I am positively hyped for this thing.
The rest of this was RAW. Reigns and Owens and Jericho had themselves another god damn show opening promo. It feels like Reigns is in the last breath of his good guy run but at the same time almost every WWE good guy main eventer usually feels like that. Cesaro and Luke Gallows had themselves a real vacuum of a match with a couple fun strength spots from Cesaro. Zayn asked Mick Foley if he needed to fill out some clerical document to enter the Rumble which was tremendous. Corey Graves did a couple decent sit-down interviews with Bayley and Charlotte – love Corey getting the call-up instead of Cole for the sit-downs, but guy really needed to pull his chair back a bit more. I mean that got weird. Cruiserweight 6-man was OK – Jack using a headbutt as a regular spot is wonderful as is Mustafa Ali’s reverse 450. If I can be Stone Cold for a moment though, TJ really needed to sync that Octopus in.
Enjoyed Rusev calling himself Handsome Rusev and the absurdity of him wrestling with a kleenex plugging up his bloody nose, but the New Day/Enzo and Cass vs. Rusev/Jinder/Titus/Braun 8-man was very much a cold corpse of a RAW television match – even nothing matches like this on SmackDown are better because of – and I’m gonna spell it out for ya – E-F-F-O-R-T. Everything Braun was involved with was pretty great though – the reveal of him as the partner by Titus, the minute or two opposite Enzo, and having a showdown with THE MOTHERFUCKING BIG SHOW. Show and New Day stopping by commentary on the way out was fun too, as was Cole being scared of Show. Very casual, very organic, very fun.
Roman Reigns vs. Chris Jericho is almost always weirdly great and this was the same but got cut short by them awkwardly flubbing a roll-up spot and Owens running in for the DQ. Some real highlights here though… liked Reigns taking it to Jericho early and Jericho’s long-distance high-five to KO, and really enjoy the way Jericho sells Reigns’ big bombs. So, so over this stupid feud but the Superman punch to Jericho hanging from the shark cage was wonderful. Oh and Nia Jax and Rich Swann had squash matches, Sasha made like her seven-hundredth return to get revenge on Nia, and Alicia Fox sucks.
SmackDown was more good stuff, man. Now that the sheer amazement of WWE actually producing compelling and fun week-to-week television has settled down, it’s a bit easier to reflect on some things: it’s in a bit of a holding pattern leading up to the Rumble, some of the big singles matches happen pretty quickly and are repeated a lot, and American Alpha might be dead. But it still is at worst completely worth checking out. Stuff moves forward, stuff moves quicker, the angles are usually more creative, and the matches make sense and matter. It sucks that some guys might be getting lost in the shuffle but what’s the answer to that? Another stupid C-show?? A THIRD HOUR??? Naw. Even at its’ worst, it feels like we are in this weird Golden Era where WWE has figured out how to do good sports entertainment professional wrestling and I am going to enjoy it until it all comes spectacularly, miserably crashing down.
Fully approve of Daniel Bryan and The Miz bantering as a cold open, complete with Bryan marveling over his apple and The Miz being a completely delusional nut. Bryan announces a Lumberjack Match for Miz vs. Ambrose – he might publicly say it’s because Miz was being a dick and claiming he paid all the boys’ salaries, but I know the truth… we all know the truth. Poor Bryan Danielson, a father-to-be, thought of his dearly departed father here, who was practically a lumberjack. This one wasn’t for the boys in the back – it was for Buddy.
Randy Orton vs. Luke Harper was good shit. Orton just kind of worked it like a babyface Randy Orton match, but the added X-factor of Luke Harper looking like he completely belonged made it awesome. Liked Harper’s selling of all Orton’s stuff, working like a man who has been wronged and desperately needed to prove himself. Half-slugfest and brawl on the outside, half-smooth beautiful signature move-heavy WWE professional wrestling match. The discus lariat to RKO attempt to schoolboy to RKO attempt to superkick to near fall sure was neat, and dug the discus lariat into the RKO finish. Enjoyed Bray’s stoic look as he looked on too. This kind of just fell into the most layered WWE story since Reigns vs. AJ post-Mania, didn’t it?
The Mickie/Becky/Alexa segment was perfectly fine… liked Mickie railroading Renee’s questions like she had just watched a White House press conference. Becky running out all scorched pop to a massive pop and and Alexa elbowing her out of nowhere from the crowd was great stuff. The James Ellsworth/Carmella clothes-shopping deal was some real Tuesday Night Titans shit – AKA I loved it. It was shockingly well-edited too. More goofy bullshit like this please. The Rumble Qualifying Battle Royal was a fine use of 5 minutes: got a lot of poor MIA C-show all-stars on the show, the eliminations moved really quick, and it gave Mojo a little steam by overcoming Breezango (I.. guess…) and qualifying for a spot. I am highly enjoying the trope of The Vaudevillains being really bad at Battle Royals as well. The Nikki/Natalya thing outside was kind of a stinker but was like 30 seconds and continued that feud so whatever.
Loved the Cena/Styles segment… just hot, classic professional wrestling banter. AJ going off on his placement on the Rumble poster, clips of Cena on the Today Show shitting on AJ Styles with Tamron Hall and Al Roker (THIS GUY FROM ATLANTA), Cena going off on the indy scene, Styles fired up and ready to beat some ass. Didn’t see the whole Today Show segment – hope Big Match John at least tried to make AJ sound like he’s not a total scrub, because my goodness. Al Roker should have more respect for the biz-ness too – you’ve been on a god damn morning show for 20 years, don’t tell me you don’t respect working the marks.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kalisto did its’ job for the 30 seconds it lasted, obviously a rushed match but had some fun stuff including Dolph countering a springboard with a superkick for the finish. Naomi had herself a return and was supposed to wrestle Natalya until a classic SmackDown Backstage Assault. It might be a trope that SmackDown can’t have more than 4 matches at this point. Naomi called anyone out and Ms. Alexa Bliss got herself a big ol’ pop. God DAMN is she good on the mic. So many great one-liners: “Who are you again? Or, the better question… who do you think you are?” “Yeah boo me all you want I’m still the champ doesn’t matter.” “Say hi to obscurity for me… thanks.” THAT SHE-DEVIL.
The Lumberjack Match between Dean Ambrose and Mike Mizanin was a silly blast. They worked that gimmick, baby – each guy being thrown to the outside, the heels dragging Dean to the floor off the Lunatic Lariat to set up Miz’ run of Daniel Bryan offense, the Ambrose plancha onto damn near everybody. Enjoyed Ambrose smoothly avoiding all the guys on the outside, throwing Corbin into the post, and escaping to the top to get in an elbow on Miz. Really fun 10-minute affair, good gimmicky shit that kept on moving and closed up strong.
205 Live is in a weird spot – the matches range from solid to great, but the stories are just kind of the same old WWE copy-and-paste trash, and the heat and interest is just non-existent.
I mostly liked everything here though, especially the Cedric Alexander vs. Neville main event. TJ Perkins vs. Tony Nese opened the show and was a very prototypical 205 Live match, for better or worse – TJ doesn’t really sell enough for anyone to REALLY give a shit about him, so most of his matches tend to be pleasant but only occasionally interesting. Real pretty exchanges early (outside of that stupid-ass Octopus hold TJP does), a serviceable run of offense by Nese (four long holds, baby) and a cradle finish by TJ. So damn amped for Tozawa’s debut next week and enjoyed Sami Zayn and his shiner putting him over. I don’t think the Brian Kendrick bully vet shtick translates whatsoever to the arena setting but the match with Tripp Bradshaw (YES! A RIB ON JBL! HILARIOUS!) was an alright squash of a match.
Cedric Alexander vs. Neville was a good match between two crisp, high-impact guys who match up well. They’ve definitely got an epic match on them, but this worked – this all worked. Loved all the one-upmanship early – Neville outwrestling Cedric, then Cedric getting in some shots and Neville bailing outside to STEW. Evil Neville is so great and it adds such a layer to his matches… he’s confident early on, annoyed when he loses control, and seething when he gets it back. What a run this man is having on a show that nobody cares about. He beat on Cedric with PURPOSE, and his sell on the handspring kick was tremendous… at this point in my wrestling geekdom I will mark out for a guy getting knocked loopy and reaching out at nothing before he falls over your run-of-the-mill tope con hilo. Thought Cedric did a fine job looking loopy himself off of all of Neville’s strikes, and man did the finish get hot – they just hit the crap out of each other like they were main eventing Budokan, then Neville set up the suplex, Cedric tried a powerbomb from the top, Neville landed on his feet, Cedric looked shock, Neville charged into a kick from the apron, Cedric set up a springboard and then NOAM DAR THAT CREEPY SONOFABITCH ran out to distract. And then Cedric trips on the springboard and taps to Neville’s new Rings of Saturn finisher. Was the trip on purpose!? I don’t know!!!
Talking Smack has Shane McMahon getting more and more comfortable and hot damn is Renee a ball of energy trying to get him into it. Some solid interviews from Mickie James, Mojo Rawley, and AJ mo’fuckin Styles, and while I continue to love the extended character development this show brings, not having Bryan bantering with these guys really hurts its’ must-watch appeal.
NXT was Royal Rumble commercials and crap matches. I’ve always appreciated NXT’s willingness to take things slow, but yikes. The buzz on Wednesday nights is just gone and this show was a bunch of average stuff brought way down by the crap presentation and lack of E-F-F-O-R-T. Maybe WWE only has room for one interesting show. Ember Moon vs. Liv Morgan was like 5 minutes and really the best Liv has looked so far but there’s still like zero credibility behind anything she does. I like the idea of Ember but she needs more mystery and ass-kickery. Andrade Almas and Roddy Strong did a backstage thing to continue their feud that nobody cares about. Jose vs. Kona was just bad – felt like a lifeless WWE Superstars match in an armory with less charm. Chris Atkins is another good-looking fella that they might try something with if he’s any good – Eric Young squashed him in like 30 seconds. Damo is Killian Dain now. Asuka kicking security’s ass was kinda neat. I dunno. Stop neglecting your girl for that cool new British chick, Hunter.
Guys, guys!! Main Event had a Main Event Match Worth Watching! Brian Kendrick vs. Lince Dorado was really damn fun – lots of cool flying by Lince and Kendrick played a classic base for it all. Big BRI-AN KEN-DRICK chants to start, Kendrick taking it to Lince but Lince flying around for control. Lince was a damn magician here – baseball slide to a rana on the outside, big quebrada on the inside, a sweet quick rana to a running Kendrick, the handspring stunner for a nice near fall. And Kendrick rocked – slowing it down when it made sense, catching everything well, and doing a neat spot where he trapped Lince’s foot in the steel under the apron and hit a baseball slide. Finish is awesome – Lince hits an SSP and gets Kendrick’s knees, and Kendrick immediately goes for a nasty Bully choke. Dana Brooke vs. Alicia Fox was the other match and it was very basic, very OK. Dana gets way too much hate, but it’s not like I’m going to recommend this or anything.
WWE TV Match of the Week: There were a lot of strong matches this week… nothing epic, but had a lot of fun with Zayn/Rollins, Harper/Randy, and Ambrose/Miz. As a stand-alone match though I liked Cedric vs. Neville from 205 Live the most.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH… time for Luke Harper to get some love. Looked like he belonged with Randy Orton, has been MAKING this Wyatt Family angle for months, and now appears to be ready to unleash some god damn fury. A lot like Rusev for me – might not have the best match every week, but does the best work.
RAW: 5/10
SmackDown: 7/10
205 Live: 6/10
NXT: 2/10
