Deep in the trenches of the presidential election in this year of our lord 2016, sometimes we must take a step back and realize the joy of being on this little blue ball in the first place. Sometimes, the fun in pro wrestling is in the choices that this weird top company makes. And sometimes, the fun in pro wrestling is because it’s just a freaking blast.
There was a lot of good stuff this week on WWE TV. RAW continues to be kind of a three-hour turd but in the middle of that three hours there was some great stuff – Big E and Sheamus had themselves a hoss battle, there was a neat cruiserweight 6-man, Bo Dallas kicked Curtis Axel’s ass, Rusev introduced us to his family, and Braun Strowman had his best squash yet. Then SmackDown was top-to-bottom just an incredible wrestling show with everything clicking – interesting and sensible stories, good wrestling, a great 6-man tag, awesome Nikki/Carmella promo, really solid Alexa/Naomi match, tremendous Baron Corbin squash, James By God Ellsworth, Luke Harper killing it and a CASKET. Corbin also became a straight up superstar on Talking Smack. Oh, and BILL MOTHERFUCKING GOLDBERG. In the middle of all the disappointment and apathy, it’s nice to be reminded how fun this stuff can be.
The plot might suck, but RAW had a couple solid wrestling matches, as tends to happen when you have like 50 solid guys on your roster. Helped that the Denver folk were all hyped up. It also didn’t hurt that twice on this show I had flashbacks to the Road Warriors, and not that bullshit 90s or LOD 2000 stuff, but mid-80s fired up and ready to fuck people up Road Warriors. It happened first when when Braun Strowman killed 3 wimps at once, and again when my new favorite wrestler Bill Goldberg decided to change the god damn world. But more on that later.
This show right now is mostly centered around the WWE Universal Title and RAW Women’s Title feuds, which is not a bad idea in theory, but the feuds really suck. Everything is just muddled and confusing and more stupid than disappointing. I do like that Kevin Owens appears to own one suit. I do not like Kevin Owens’ main feud seemingly being with Mick Foley, or Seth Rollins trying to be The Rock insulting Chris Jericho, or Steph and Foley awkwardly high-fiving each other for booking a match. Stephanie when she’s on is one of the best performers in the company, but this run right now where she’s quasi-babyface is just brutal. I have no idea who it could possibly appeal to. I know, haha, it appeals to Stephanie, heh heh ho ho – but Jesus Christ. The Jericho/Rollins match was pretty solid, more a wrestling match than last week’s goofy main event. Right now this whole thing is just blatantly killing time, though I have no idea of the endgame – and not in a suspenseful way, just in a there aren’t a whole lot of sensible places to go with what they’re doing right now way. This is like if King Joffrey didn’t die, but got disowned by the Lannister’s, was still a piece of shit, and was aggressively battling likable Tommen for power, with one of his modes of attack being calling him sparkle crotch.
They dropped the ball with the Charlotte/Sasha feud a long time ago. There’s no juice behind it, and it’s another one where they’re just blatantly stretching for time. This week we got sit-down interviews with Lita. The one with Charlotte felt like one of those comedy sketches where a talk show host uses footage of an interview where they ask questions and use the interviewee’s pre-recorded responses. It was not a comedy sketch. I don’t even remember the Sasha interview. Beyond those two feuds though, there were some interesting developments around Bo Dallas and Braun Strowman. Bo vs. Neville was a fun quick match – I liked all the Red Arrow countering, and Bo’s stepped up the intensity, but not in a way where the commentator’s talk up his intensity because they have nothing better to talk up, but in a way that actually seems like there’s purpose behind the intensity. Neville’s really stuck right now – hope they do something with the lil’ guy soon. LOVED Bo attacking Axel – caught me by surprise, and makes total sense given Bo’s new loner character. Nothing will touch Bo’s slow-burn heel turn in NXT, but they are doing a great job with him right now. The Braun 3-on-1 handicap squash was phenomenal. The WILD throw over the top, him chasing down one of the guys on the outside. These things are getting to be Road Warrior level of just purely fun domination… lots of big nasty spots all done with intent. Graves calling Braun the Abominable Strowman was fantastic too. And THEN Sami Zayn comes out to confront Braun, which I am completely 100% in on. About time for Sami to do something interesting that doesn’t involve Kevin Owens. His backstage interview was perfect too – why confront Braun? “Because nobody else will.” Hallelujah.
Sheamus vs. Big E was a big league battle of big fellas that was inexplicably based around social media. The shot of the crowd for the New Day intro where this one lady hugged her dude – incredible. Cesaro shooting Sheamus on Facebook Live while Sheamus crowed about hitting the “best Brouge kick ever” made me wonder what a RAW feed on Facebook Live would look like. Might be awesome, might also expose this biz-ness. The Rusev promo about his family was pretty awesome. Rusev might go down as one of the greatest successes of WWE developmental – great wrestler, character, promo, and TV performer. “You can disrespect my family all you want but you can’t disrespect me!” I’m always dumbfounded by a big brawl with weapons right before a blowoff match. This didn’t add any heat to the match, and after 10 brawls and 3 or 4 matches already this feud needed heat. The rest of the show was your classic RAW undercard. Mark Henry just randomly entering with Golden Truth was kind of hilarious. 6-man of Team Pushing-50 vs. Titus & the Shining Stars was a short decent match, though it seemed like everybody got confused for the finish. The Bayley chant DURING her entrance was awesome, and her match with Dana Brooke was like the first quarter of a great match. Dana was perfectly fine on offense and Bayley rocks at the comebacks. Finish with Dana going over by smashing her into the post and dragging her inside wasn’t bad on paper, but came off really awkward. Enzo Amore’s overalls were fantastic, but Big Cass and Karl Anderson having another dumbass minute-long singles match to prolong a tag feud was pointless. I liked the cruiserweight 6-man – really quick and really fun. Finish was really smooth with Kendrick putting Swann in the Captain’s Hook after Nese’s 450. This division though, man … the CWC joy is waning and it’s basically a wrestling division based around video game puns. Yeesh.
And then there was Goldberg. The WWE fucks a lot up, but there’s not much on the planet that gets me as amped up as when they do a big moment. It’s not the hardest thing in the world to make something like this work, but it was still a memorable moment and felt more important than anything else on this show in months. Lots of cool stuff surrounding this even before the promo. Loved all the backstage folks along with Darren Young/Bob Backlund and NEW DAY flipping out and hyping Goldberg up as he walked towards the entrance. Seeing THE ENTRANCE for the first time in years was awesome. There were THREE – THREE!!! – shots of the Governor of Colorado marking out for Big Bill. And then there was the promo, which way exceeded expectations. There have been a lot of Goldberg promos through the years, but nothing topped this. It felt like he’d been watching Road Warrior Hawk promos for the last decade to prepare for this. Sometimes pro wrestling just needs a big dude screaming at you. It’d be nice if WWE cared as much about presentation everywhere else as they did here, but this was still awesome. Goldberg came off as a bigger star than any chump on WWE TV. He brought the crowd down by staying maybe his return should stay in the video game… and then brought them up by accepting Brock Lesnar’s challenge. Then he hugged children for a few minutes and made you wonder if he was the hero we needed all along. Perhaps at this moment, as the very fabric of our democracy seems in question, perhaps right now – all we needed was William Scott Goldberg. A classic Member Berries moment, but oh how sweet a member berry can be.
And now… we wait for them to blow the follow-up.
RAW had individual great moments wrapped around a fairly bland wrestling show. SmackDown was top-to-bottom just an awesome wrestling show. Everything flowed so well, with a campy upper midcard angle to start the show, the build for Ellsworth/Styles all night, a really solid women’s match, Curt Hawkins continuing to do his thing, a great Nikki Bella/Carmella confrontation, an awesome 6-man tag with Miz and Ziggler, an effective Baron Corbin squash of Jack Swagger, and finally Ellsworth/Styles which was a lot of fun. It’s frustrating to see how well they do by being forced to get the most out of everybody. They’ve built a compelling women’s division out of six women, continue to have a compelling feud between two guys who have been in midcard hell forever, and actually have a few guys waiting in the wings to get pushed (Alpha, Crews, NXT call-ups) who will feel like a fresh addition to the show when they do.
Remember that story about how particular Vince McMahon is with Kane’s promos? I feel like he’s that way with Randy Orton, for better or worse. Orton vs. Luke Harper wasn’t much, but I am loving having Harper back. Still a huge fan that he of all people has worked the Puro Love pose into his shtick. The way he bumped after getting caught by Orton’s elbow on the tope was so sweet, too. A Casket Match is just what this goofy feud needs; it’s like a B-movie randomly interspersed with a sweet rasslin show. Fatass Kane emerging from the casket to save Randy from the Wyatt’s was a legit sweet moment too. Otunga’s “Where’d they go!?” call when the Wyatt’s disappeared was tremendous as well. Alexa Bliss (in Freddy Krueger gear) vs. Naomi was a solid little match that got way more time than your usual undercard women’s matches. And they didn’t constantly harp on how motherfucking monumental that was, either. Alexa especially looked good – her straight knee to the face to setup the splash was great, as was her fixing her top while getting in another shot at Naomi after the match. The Carmella/Nikki segment was top shelf stuff. This is how you do a worked shoot, people. Both have their reasons for doing what they are doing, and the tension is ALIVE. This whole thing is ten times better than Charlotte/Sasha ever was and deserves a Cell match. The Hawkins/Crews angle was a perfectly acceptable way to continue the Hawkins shtick and remind you that Apollo Crews still exists. Loved Corbin completely thrashing Swagger too – SmackDown is not afraid to move to the next thing as they figure out what to do with their undercard and I love it.
A message for Dolph Ziggler: If you’re going to do your swivel on your entrance with the belt on your ass, don’t wear the jacket so it covers it up. Anywho, the match with him and Rhyno and Heath Slater against Miz and the Spirit Squad was AWESOME. Love that SmackDown actually felt it necessary to have Rhyno/Slater explain why they saved Dolph in a promo. “I don’t like male cheerleaders.” Everyone had a part to play here and they played it well – Rhyno did his shoulderblock and Heath did his armdrag, then Dolph took the heat and sold like he does. Miz and Maryse cheated, the Spirit Squad bumped big (how about that Mikey bump on the Gore!?), the crowd chanted for Heath, and Heath eventually got the hot tag. It was ultra basic but it worked because stuff on SmackDown actually matters.
Thought Dean and Bryan’s backstage exchange where Bryan told Dean what he could be instead of ref – “I’ll do that.” “Wait, which one?” – was HILARITY. AJ Styles vs. James Ellsworth in the main event for the WWE Title was a very fun wrestling angle disguised as a wrestling match. They built this thing up all show. Had Ellsworth legit CRY in his promo. Gave Ellsworth a Titan Tron. He got ELLS-WORTH chants ala GOLD-BERG chants!! The way they are milking this thing is tremendous. James Ellsworth right now has more purpose than The New Day, Cesaro, Sheamus, Gallows and Anderson, Neville, and the entire cruiserweight division. He’s game for this thing too – I love that he’s always playing the character, even when he’s hyping himself up and playing to the crowd he looks scared. And it’s such a fun way to prolong the Dean/AJ feud … they’re doing a neat mini-angle that’s genuinely fun and amusing, versus their usual shtick of endless promos and, I don’t know, Dean eating grits and puking on AJ’s car or something. The chinlock spot didn’t get over live, but that thing was brilliant. The NO CHIN MUSIC for a legitimately great near fall was amazing. I wasn’t as big on Dean’s hijinks this week as I was last, but it was still a fun little match with AJ again not afraid to look like a goof and Ellsworth playing the underdog scrub role perfectly. A total blast.
Talking Smack continues to be must-watch stuff. Interviews this week were The Hype Bros, AJ Styles and Baron Corbin. Mojo aggressively shaking poor concussion-ridden Daniel Bryan was super awkward but kind of hilarious. Mojo seems like a guy who is just completely comfortable being his whacked out self no matter what situation he’s in. I imagine he’ll be getting suspended a year or two from now for slapping Vince’s ass after Sasha Banks’ retirement speech. I love that anytime Daniel Bryan talks to a woman or tag team now there’s this big question of whether they’ll get added to the elimination match at Survivor Series when there’s barely enough of a roster on SmackDown to fill each team. Styles yelling at Bryan about becoming the authority was great stuff and great character development. This show also had Bryan aggressively defending the Bellas and John Cena’s love for the business, and I like that he has so much cred that he can do that and still come off as completely legit and honest. The Corbin interview was epic: Renee and Bryan straight saying Corbin has no friends backstage, Renee’s phrasing on “What do you do when you get home? You’ve got no friends” and then Corbin’s response of “I live in a big ass house on a lake. I have a pool. Then he ranted against fans at airports, confronted Bryan for wasting time on the indies, and basically did a junior Miz promo, freaking out at Bryan and demanding he tell him what he has next for him because he’s above creating his own opportunities. Corbin needs a feud or two with a veteran to round out the ring work, but he’s a guy who knows the character he is playing, and especially in this environment it comes off great – very hateable but totally sensible, which are usually the ingredients for a big time heel.
There was nothing stand-out great on NXT but I liked the two Dusty matches, and the Roderick Strong debut was notable. No Way Jose/Rich Swann vs. Tony Nese/Drew Gulak was for anyone who ever wanted to see a Cruiserweight Classic match with No Way Jose showing up every once in a while and trying to run through spots. Not pretty. But his hot tag was awesome, as was the Swann/Gulak exchange early on. Very fun, if not a bit off at points. Jose and Swann cutting a promo to the hard cam was brutally awkward though. It’s worth repeating that the Bobby Roode entrance is really really great, though it may go a hair long at the start. Like it has to a bit too long to be effective, but it goes a bit even beyond that. His match with Sean Maluta was okay, basically a squash with Maluta getting some not-very-impressive shots in. Nice spinebuster by Roode. The “Now that’s… glorious” before the finish is unnecessary – less is more, god damnit. Tye Dillinger ran out to no music to attack Roode – I still love you sometimes, NXT – and went after him like a guy who’s waited 15 years to get a big babyface angle like this. I’m glad they’re finally giving the ladies direction, with Billie Kay and Peyton Royce teaming up, Liv Morgan as the young babyface, and Asuka and Ember hanging out ready to kick anybody’s ass… but Billie and Peyton do not touch the BFF’s.
I’ve only seen like three Roderick Strong matches in the last 10 years, and he always seemed to be just treading water. That’s easy to do in Ring of Honor though, and I’m interested to see how he works in NXT. I thought his match with Aries against the NXT young lion team of Tucker Knight and Otis Dozovic was a fine match with some fun spots. Roddy running the ropes with Tucker rocked. Loved the big boy offense from Tucker and Otis. Loved that they treated those 2 like a world-traveled tag team with established double team offense. I’m not quite sure yet what to think about Tucker but in his pre-match promo he reminded me of a real pro wrestler so that was good. I am in love with Almas as a heel like a week in – I guess the awkward face run was necessary to give a heel run more impact, but he is just so natural as a heel and immediately seems like a guy ready to tear up the main roster. Nikki Cross with SAnitY squashed a poor gal and played up being an absolute nutcase as she did it. I think SAnitY’s gimmick is that they are on bath salts? Finally, Nakamura cut a promo to end the show which was interrupted by Patrick Clark. I’m digging watching young Patrick’s attempts to become a sports entertainer. I also can’t believe we have 5 more weeks leading up to Nakamura/Joe II: The Rematch I’m Not Sure Anyone Wanted.
Main Event had two passable matches with pretty cool finishes: Zack Ryder vs. Tyler Breeze (with Fandango, who’s been found apparently) came together really smoothly leading up to the Rough Ryder, and American Alpha finished off The Ascension with a freakin’ running Grand Amplitude. Aiden English was on commentary for this show and did a decent job. Simon Gotch has got to be injured or in the weirdest doghouse – the Vaudevillains only do jobs and Aiden randomly does cameos working singles matches and now commentary. I always thought Gotch kind of sucked on NXT; maybe there’s something to that. Superstars was not much – Nia Jax and Alicia Fox had another pretty weak match where they messed up the damn “fat wrestler tries to sit on opponent and lands on ass” spot. And I cannot believe this is the third, maybe fourth Darren Young/Jinder Mahal match I’ve seen in my lifetime. There was something a little more charming than usual about this one, as Denver was amped for D-Young and there’s something to be said for the classic good guy/bad guy dynamic, but man. These are the Rawiest of Raw wrestlers.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Dolph Ziggler, Rhyno & Heath Slater vs. The Miz & Spirit Squad was great stuff — as said above, they worked a really basic 6-man tag but everyone played the role they needed to and it all clicked.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: SmackDown was awesome, but Goldberg was the biggest thing in wrestling this week and I am convinced he will bring this country back together on November 20. In Canada.
