WrestleMania 39 was in suburban Los Angeles for two nights at SoFi Stadium, and by golly: John Cena was here! Wrestling! So was Logan Paul! And Trish Stratus! Rey Mysterio finally agreed to fight his dirtbag son! Rhea Ripley won the Royal Rumble! And was challenging Charlotte Flair! And Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn reunited! And are teaming in the main event! Against THE USOS!
The WWE show intro ran with Roman Reigns’ “Acknowledge me” catchphrase now included, then WWE did what they did best by throwing at their viewer a spectacle in the form of a sea of people surrounding a squared circle and elaborate, Hollywood-themed entrance stage.
1. WWE U.S. Title: Austin Theory [c] vs. John Cena
And then John Cena wrestled! It wasn’t very good. Cena played the hits but with no tan, little energy and a noticeable bald spot. No offense to those who are pale, tired, or balding but I don’t think that’s the feeling the big guy wanted for a return to the ring, especially against this young up-and-comer. Theory played along and his offense felt a little Randy Orton-esque, though more on the pacing and less on the superstar. The referee took a spill and Theory hit Cena with a low blow for a win that didn’t really feel like one. **3/4
2. WrestleMania Showcase Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match: Braun Strowman & Ricochet vs. Street Profits vs. Alpha Academy vs. Viking Raiders w/ Valhalla
They put on a show and the ring was their case: Gable hit a Chaos Theory German suplex on a Strowman. Strowman hit a splash from the top rope. Ford did a Mania-level frog splash and Ricochet did a Mania-level Shooting Star Press to the floor. When Ricochet hit Ford with a crossbody to complete a superplex, it felt like someone finally found a new spin on the Tower of Doom spot. Titus O’Neil was on commentary going crazy for all of it. Fun way to provide a few more checks for the boys. ***1/2
3. Seth Rollins vs. Logan Paul
Logan Paul introduced himself to SoFi — “L.A.! I’m back… did you miss me? Take me up, baby!” — before a zipline carried him to the ring as he continued talking shit. It was one of the all-time great illustrations of the strange spectacle they call WWE, as was Michael Cole’s context as he applied a submission: “Now remember, Antonio Inoki used to use a standing version of this…”
They packed in plenty of fun if not moderately over-planned stuff, starting by running the ropes and exchanging cradles before Rollins stomped Paul’s hand on the stairs and they got to brawling. The hurt hand kept Paul from hitting his One Lucky Shot punch, protecting the finish and giving him an out for losing… I mean you’ve just got to respect a worker when you see one.
The match’s big spot came late in the match — as they do — and was incredibly well-delivered by all three guys involved: Rollins, Paul, and the Prime Energy Drink mascot at ringside who revealed himself as KSI (I’m old). As Paul climbed the turnbuckle with Rollins on the commentary table, KSI tried to take a selfie over Rollins only to get pulled onto the table and directly into Paul’s Shane-O-Mac elbow drop. They traded signatures and finishers towards the end – Pedigree! GTS! Van Terminator! – and Rollins is good at this but Paul kept up with a credibility that one just can’t be carried to. It was impressive.
Logan Paul made his debut at WrestleMania last year in a tag match and played a solid heel. That was impressive too, even with Rey Mysterio as an opponent. The frog splash he did from the top rope through a table at SummerSlam was also impressive, even if the match prior with The Miz wasn’t. This match was more than impressive though, as he returned to WrestleMania by keeping up with and even improving a WWE-style main event match with Seth Freakin’ Rollins. Has Logan Paul mastered wrestling? Or has wrestling worked itself to the point where he’s one of the only ones who can? ****
4. Becky Lynch, Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Bayley, IYO SKY & Dakota Kai
Trish and Lita returned to the ring to do a variety of stomps on Damage CTRL and other things that reminded me of Rusher Kimura. That’s fine though, because IYO SKY was here and fully Going For It at her first WrestleMania: taking bumps on her head to make weak moves look great, talking tons of shit to make the beatdown better, and busting out a gorgeous Orihara moonsault in the middle of a near fall-filled finish that was another reason this exceeded just basic nostalgia. John could’ve used an IYO SKY earlier. ***1/2
5. Rey Mysterio vs. Dominik Mysterio
At SummerSlam 2005 Rey Mysterio infamously fought Eddie Guerrero in a Ladder Match for the custody of Rey’s 8-year-old son Dominik, and nearly two decades later Rey is not only still wrestling (and great) but his son is too (and getting there). It took turning heel on his dad to join Judgment Day, becoming subservient to Rhea Ripley, and a hilarious night in jail, but Dominik Mysterio finally did find his voice. The voice? Eddie Guerrero’s. Which is actually one of the best voices you can have.
Dominik entered first in handcuffs and a bandana covering his face, escorted to the ring by cops like some criminal who’s actually really cool. Rey followed with an entrance and touching tribute to Guerrero, who passed away shortly after the Ladder Match. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch was there to sponsor it all, which meant branding around the ring and a cinnamon sugar-covered mascot just… standing there, the entire match.
And it was a great match! A WrestleMania match. Father vs. son, with solid wrestling from an all-time great vs. his freaking offspring surrounded by run-ins from their friends and enemies, big heat (Dom threw a drink at his sister), big pops (Dom got spanked by his dad), nice spots (Dom got a great near fall with a frog splash), and good old-fashioned spectacle (Bad Bunny!!!). No cereal was stopping this one. ****
6. SmackDown Women’s Title: Charlotte Flair [c] vs. Rhea Ripley
Charlotte’s been on a nostalgia run for what feels like five years, except on PLEs where there’s still a high chance she’ll have a match so great that all her other matches may cause a kind of sorrow, one which reaches so deep into the depths of your wrestling soul that the only cure is a match as great as this. They kept it slow early, exchanging holds before Ripley attacked the back. They also took care in how they upped the pace, which allowed them to power through the quiet with confidence before the crowd began following their lead, roaring louder and louder as they exchanged signatures (and a German suplex that planted Charlotte on her face) and eventually near falls with increasing violence. Ripley’s win was the obvious and correct choice, but they got so much out of teasing the possibility of the other direction and it delivered the most compelling and competitive wrestling of the night. ****
7. The Miz vs. Pat McAfee
The Miz co-hosted WrestleMania this year with Snoop Dogg, and as a fun little thing towards the end of the night he made an open challenge that was answered by the momentarily returning and fabulously rich Pat McAfee. It was fun. Michael Cole was so tickled…
8. WWE Undisputed Tag Team Title: The Usos [c] vs. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
Previously on WWE…
Friends. Friends who became family through wrestling (brothers, brother) then stopped and started the friendship multiple times while continuing to be linked as wrestling family.
Family. Twin brothers born into a famous wrestling family who somehow stayed friends, even as they lost other friends because of the bad things they thought they had to do for the family.
Business. Roman Reigns spent the last two-and-a-half years consumed by a cold heart developed under the guidance of Paul Heyman, wrestling’s shittiest and most successful businessman. His actions ranged from paranoid to sociopathic as he insulated himself with the family, all while they became the hottest thing – sometimes the only thing – in WWE.
It wasn’t surprising that Sami Zayn wanted a piece of it, but it was surprising how successful his pursuit was in revitalizing his career and WWE’s weekly TV as a whole. As he tried to find a way into The Bloodline, it not only fleshed out the motivations of each Bloodline member but his own motivations too, returning to the role of wrestling’s great babyface as fought for acceptance and respect while having fun with t-shirts and bonding with Jey Uso.
Kevin Owens’ skepticism of all this brought him back into the crosshairs of not only his old friend but an old rival in Reigns. When Reigns demanded Sami attack a handcuffed Owens with a steel chair at the end of the Royal Rumble, Sami chose to hit Roman instead and got one of the biggest pops in the history of big pops. Over the next few weeks, Sami & Kevin slowly built a reunion that, when they did embrace, got another one of the biggest pops in the history of big pops. I love big pops.
Someone misused the term “storytelling” a long time ago and sometimes I’m not sure what it means but I do know that this all was some serious storytelling, and good storytelling at that. If you haven’t followed along you might not understand how rare that actually is for WrestleMania.
It worked, too. Business was hot. Roman Reigns was the undisputed top guy and face of WWE despite wrestling once every few months. The Usos were having their first match on a main WrestleMania card, in the main event, and could be easily told apart. Their brother Solo Sikoa was established with WWE’s most effective introduction in years, too. If you haven’t followed along you might not understand how rare that actually is for wrestling. For things to work.
They had a match, too! And it delivered on the promise of the storytelling. And if you haven’t followed along…
Owens got put out early after a nasty table bump, which put the well-deserved spotlight on Sami. He was selling all match like the authentic old school babyface he is, wobbly legs and determination on everything he did as he took a lot of Uso superkicks and other assorted offense. He hit Jey with an El Generico (and referenced) brainbuster on the apron and kicked out of the 1D, both great spots with great reactions. Owens’ eventual hot tag got another one, as did the near fall from a Sami Helluva kick followed by Owens’ stunner. Feel-good, dramatic, spectacular, just a total wrestling mania. ****1/2
Happy Thoughts: The first night of WrestleMania 39 was a great show with six great matches (plus a John Cena cameo) that saved its’ greatest match for last. Impressive. 4.5 / 5.0
