WrestleMania: why is this still happening, and why do I still watch it?
The first part is easy, as WrestleMania remains wildly profitable and commands great amounts of interest both real and on speculation. Life at its’ core might be about two things: shit talk and reflexes. Succeeding in WWE requires so much of both.
But why do I still watch it?
As WrestleMania 38 approached I’d been asking myself that more and more, all as concepts like family and a newfound interest in basketball continued to take up the time where there used to be so much wrestling. I asked myself it a couple weeks after the show as I sat with my 4-year-old watching rain through a window, a moment of comfort and clarity I wouldn’t necessarily recommend to everyone… but if you can find yourself in a similar scenario, it might be as “recommendable” as anything there it is.
It was certainly preferable to all the visits recently to grandma in the hospital, which — while cherished — were so difficult. It was the last time we were with her at her own home when I had NBA All-Star Weekend coverage on and she observed to my wife, “You know he got into that for Owen.” I hadn’t even realized.
I like complexity as much as the next guy, but the clarity or distraction WWE and wrestling in general once provided had seemed to be disappearing. The 2-hour – 2-hour! – Kickoff Shows that preceded both – both! – nights seemed to encapsulate so much that had become frustrating about this. Put aside the focus on “sports entertainment” over “pro wrestling,” they relied too much on unprepared celebrity, filibustered the explanation of their uninteresting plot lines, and continued the inexplicable trend of continuing these 2-hour Kickoff Shows. There were better distractions.
But WrestleMania Saturday helped sort it out a little. And towards the end of WrestleMania Sunday, which I irresponsibly streamed the last hour via Peacock as I drove home from a friend’s, it was answered again. The Pat McAfee/Austin Theory match that became a Pat McAfee/Vince McMahon match was winding down, and so was my gas tank. So I pulled over, and much as I was doing the night before I beamed from ear to ear while texting a friend through the appearance of Stone Cold Steve Austin and McMahon’s subsequent fucked-up Stone Cold Stunner.
WrestleMania: why is this still happening, and why do I still watch it?
I could reference my own attempt at explaining it written here 3 years ago, or I could use a quote from a New Yorker interview with The Mountain Goats’ John Darnielle to try and explain, maybe sound like a modern intellectual or something:
“…in the Internet age, people want to annotate things, to say “this means this, this means this” … With my stuff, I always want it to reach a nexus of, Can you sit with something that doesn’t resolve, and be happy there? Or not even be happy, but be present. That’s what I like, in art.”
It’s hard to be present when everyone’s arguing the straw man so much that I just made one myself. Alas, this provides a clarity that can only be obtained by whatever the fuck this is. In the glut of… all of it, the distraction of simplicity that it provides is appreciated. Family and basketball is cool, and so is this: the feelings of anticipation and validation, friendship and laughter. It’s unique to me, and probably many of you reading it. It makes me sad sometimes, and sometimes it makes me happy. I’ve had to read the musings of a whole lot of dicks, but I’ve also met some of my best friends.
I began viewing WrestleMania 38 in the context of possibly not watching WWE. But I ended WrestleMania 38 – all of it – tearfully thinking back to why it may always have a hold of me. Am I… am I Cody Rhodes?
WrestleMania Sunday, as did WrestleMania Saturday, took place at AT&T Stadium in Dallas, Texas.
1. Triple Threat Tag Match – RAW Tag Team Title: RK-Bro [c] vs. Street Profits vs. Alpha Academy
Unlike last night’s opener for the Tag Team Titles, this took some time to get moving. Some might call that build-up, but it was starting to feel like killing time. Then, the pace picked up and all the boys went crazy: Montez Ford glided with a tope con hilo, as did Chad Gable on an Orihara moonsault. Just about everyone contributed to a cool RKO spot or two as well. Quality opener, hot match, and Chad Gable absolutely crushed the post-match promo with Gable Steveson. ***1/2
2. Bobby Lashley vs. Omos
This ran six-and-a-half minutes but still felt too long, with a couple rough bumps that would’ve hurt the match’s flow if there was one. Bobby’s spear-to-the-back was nice. *
3. Anything Goes Match: Sami Zayn vs. Johnny Knoxville
“I can’t believe Knoxville took an Exploder through a table.” That was the first note I typed in my phone about this match, before I put down my phone and embraced the greatness alongside friends. Johnny Knoxville and (some of) the cast of Jackass went to WrestleMania and had a very fun match, a match that delivered on the fun and silly (and Big Hand!) quota but also — dare I say — pretty brilliantly built-up to its’ big finish, which was based around a series of mousetrap spots. The Wee Man bodyslam was, also — of course — incredible.
The wrestling fan roots for wrestlers when they’re good, yeah — but almost everybody is pretty good now. The real connection begins with the wrestlers who you know will, if they do “make it through” to a position where they can call their shots and try to live their dreams, make it so you eventually see something awesome or weird like last night’s Stone Cold match or this Jackass match along the way. ****
4. Fatal 4-Way Match – WWE Women’s Tag Team Title: Carmella & Queen Zelina [c] vs. Sasha Banks & Naomi vs. Rhea Ripley & Liv Morgan vs. Natalya & Shayna Baszler
Without much expectation, this might have actually surpassed expectation. Like the opener, it kept moving. Carmella’s hurricanrana followed by Zelina’s moonsault were big spots from wrestlers who do not normally work big, while Sasha and Naomi came up with a whole tag team finisher. **1/2
5. AJ Styles vs. Edge
Ugh.
This was… * fidgets in chair* fine.
It was the longest match of either night, the type of 20+ minute Dream Match that stood out more and didn’t feel like such a drag when shows weren’t eight hours long. I don’t know if a misfire on pyro hindered Styles’ performance or not, but his best work at WrestleMania will continue to be with Shane McMahon. ***
6. Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods vs. Sheamus & Ridge Holland w/ Butch
This match got cut the night before, and unfortunately was only given 90-seconds on this one. Most of that was spent with Kofi and Woods looking like chumps. BUTCH! *
7. Pat McAfee vs. Austin Theory
8. Pat McAfee vs. Mr. McMahon
This was the spectacle match WWE does so well, rewarding McAfee’s commitment to the job (and history as a professional athlete) by allowing him to play the lead role in this ultimate fanboy wrestling match. There’s dream matches and then there’s this, a literal dream of a match.
It began with Mr. McMahon entering to the usual mixed chorus of boos and admiration before introducing his little shit protege, Austin Theory— a clean-shaven young stooge for the new millieum. Then the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders danced and Pat McAfee emerged to the sounds of the White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army,” a song released when I was a sophomore in high school and deep into learning about all the wrestling that existed beyond WWE.
It provided such a good set piece, amplified by Theory’s quality gloating and McMahon’s knowing grin during the early heat, a visual representation of what an entire wrestling fandom feels like it’s up against all the time. This set the table for McAfee’s awesome rally and comeback, complete with Michael Cole putting in an all-time performance on commentary rooting for his friend — “Cover him, Pat!”
The McAfee/Theory part of this wasn’t a workrate classic, but it was way better than Edge vs. AJ and a lot more wrestling available.
After the bell, 76-year-old Vince McMahon started looking angry. Scrappy. He took his suit jacket off, revealing the classic skin-tight black shirt — albeit with more lumpy wrinkles than peaks, like McMahon had reached his Tenryu stage. Cole continued his tremendous commentary — “…Why’s there a referee in the ring?” — and the eventual finish was a proper buzzkill to setup the actual finish.
Glass breaks.
Stone Cold Steve Austin, fresh off a return match that exceeded expectation, entered the ring and gave McMahon a Stone Cold Stunner (kind of). Then McAfee got a Stunner too, concluding what felt like in the moment a flawless WrestleMania angle and possible finale of the entire Austin/McMahon saga. A series of lame endings setup the ultimate fan-friendly finish, one that could’ve been easy to predict but stayed satisfying anyways. That’s kind of WWE’s whole thing, but it doesn’t happen often enough. ***1/2
9. Winner Takes All – WWE Title & WWE Universal Title: Brock Lesnar [c] vs. Roman Reigns [c] w/ Paul Heyman
To quote myself when I was thinking about the Royal Rumble back in January and feeling a certain sort of way: “I’m so fucking sick of Brock Lesnar.”
On the other side of fan-friendly was this battle of heavyweights, which just keeps happening despite nobody ever publicly admitting they enjoy it. It “seems” like a big match and this year was actually arguably the year WWE got the build of their match right — as far as assigning correct roles and making it seem like a big kickass grudge match fight — but I’ve seen this as a singles match four times now and it just keeps diminishing in quality, probably because they peaked the first time. ***
Happy Thoughts: This felt like the WrestleMania that Vince McMahon is always saying WrestleMania actually is. If you had never seen pro wrestling in your life, these two nights of it made it seem like it’s the most fun thing ever… and for these couple nights, it kind of was. 4.0 / 5.0
