Some say it’s about the numbers, but what about the feelings? The curiosity of renting VHS tapes at Blockbuster Video. The comfort of watching PPV’s with dad. Bonds forged with new friends. Being excited about the possibilities. Being surprised. Being disappointed. Amusement over being disappointed. Amusement over how consistent the disappointment is. Just not giving a shit. It’s the thirty-fifth annual ROYAL RUMBLE!
1. WWE Universal Title: Roman Reigns [c] vs. Seth Freakin’ Rollins
Despite the uninspired nature of how it came together, this match had a lot going for it: tight runtime, opening match atmosphere in a big stadium, and Seth is just undeniably good at looking credible against a big fella while keeping the match bumping. It also happened to be a one-on-one championship contest between two recipients of some of the last actual WWE Pushes. From Seth’s entrance through the table powerbomb and fist bump, The Shield references were well-placed and kind of awesome while the finish was brilliant in its own little demoralizing way. ****
2. 30-Woman Royal Rumble
This delivered as advertised, a fun mix of nostalgia and FUN~! plus some missed opportunities and ring rust.
Sailor Moon Sasha Banks was the perfect #1 for both pop and ability to go the distance, but #2 Melina felt like someone that could’ve showed up a little later. #3 was Tamina and #4 was another return for Kelly Kelly. And so we began. Aliyah, Liv Morgan, Queen Zelina, Bianca Belair, Dana Brooke, and Michelle McCool followed for the first 10. Liv was around for a while but never really did anything.
11 – 20 were Sonya Deville, Natalya, Cameron, Naomi, Carmella, Rhea Ripley, Charlotte Flair, Ivory, Brie Bella, and the Impact Women’s Champion Mickie James. Ivory in the Right to Censor gimmick ended up the best bit by sheer force of commitment. The bummer in me wants to say the comedy spot shouldn’t be the best part of the match but the microphone gold just kept going. Brie Bella and the YES chants was fantastic, and Sonya’s bits with Cameron and Naomi were well-done too.
The last 10 were the returning Alicia Fox, Nikki A.S.H., Summer Rae, Nikki Bella, Sarah Logan, Lita, Mighty Molly (good bit with A.S.H.), Ronda Rousey, Shotzi and Shayna Baszler. Logan roared back into the WWE like a returning legend despite feeling like she was released last week; time is a mere opinion. Speaking of: Ronda and Shayna reuniting was amazing. They mostly stuck the landing too. ***1/2
3. RAW Women’s Title: Becky Lynch [c] vs. Doudrop
One of those matches where they slowed it all down, or maybe it just seemed that way because it wasn’t good. The crowd went from uninterested to distracted by a sign on fire, and by the time Becks dropped Doo-Doo with an avalanche-style Rock Bottom the possibilities for engagement had disappeared. **1/4
4. WWE Title: Brock Lesnar [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. Bobby Lashley w/ MVP
Brock and Bobby are in their The Expendables era, Schwarzenegger and Stallone past their primes providing occasional fun if not anything good or worthwhile or memorable or even better than a couple Goldberg matches. Suplex City, you know? **3/4
5. Edge & Beth Phoenix vs. The Miz & Maryse
Maryse is practically Shawn Michaels-esque in re-defining her legacy over the back half of a career, but otherwise this was a match that was advertised as The IT Couple vs. The GRIT Couple. ***
6. 30-Man Royal Rumble
With a few exceptions, the last decade of Royal Rumbles — a challenging match to piece together yet one with the most accepting and forgiving possible of viewer (we just want surprizes!) — have felt like a group project that nobody took lead on until the last second.
There used to be a method to this. An attempt at something.
AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakmaura were a strong #1 and #2, even if they never managed to have that good match together in WWE. Golden boy Austin Theory, lifer-or-not Robert Roode, Ridge Holland, Montez Ford, Damian Priest, and Sami Zayn followed to get to silver-haired Johnny Knoxville’s cameo at #9 where he traded stiff shots with AJ Styles. Like really. I dunno. Angelo Dawkins was #10.
There was a winner. A Champion. The winner would wrestle the Champion.
Omos (big!) emerged at #11, then Ricochet, Chad Gable, Dominik Mysterio, Happy Corbin, Dolph Ziggler, Sheamus, Rick Boogs, Madcap Moss, and #20 Riddle followed to fill up the ring with bodies to either eliminate or get eliminated by Omos.
From it emerged a thread to this all. A macro and micro story.
The last 10 were the returning (ish) Drew McIntyre, multi-millionaire Kevin Owens, Rey Mysterio (way after Dominik was gone), Kofi Kingston, Otis, Big E, former 24/7 Champion Bad Bunny, Shane McMahon (memba?), Randy Orton, and Brock god damnit Lesnar. It was a who’s who of who WWE thinks may be important, with the exception of Big E who got tossed like a punk. Kofi flubbing his yearly anti-elimination spot was a drag too, though the pro wrestling love and joy running through Bad Bunny’s veins kind of brought it back.
I’m so fucking sick of Brock Lesnar. **3/4
Happy Thoughts: Great opener, fun Rumble… then they lost it, but kept going another few hours. WWE ends 2 for 2 in 2022 with a cock block from Brock. 1.5 / 5.0
