Hey, so yeah — let’s do this one again: WWE gets an obscene amount of money to run a show in partnership with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Moral realities aside, on-screen the shows usually toe an absurd line between completely meaningless non-canon diversion and the monumental payoff to like every single feud. That seemed to ring especially true in a post-Thunderdome WWE.
0. The Usos vs. Shelton Benjamin & Cedric Alexander
The wrestling-starved folks went nuts for a superplex struggle among basically everything else, four fellas usually up to the task providing some easy wrestling exhibited exquisitely. You stay right at ***, Kickoff Show match.
1. Hell in a Cell: Edge vs. Seth Rollins
After a pretty grating over-the-top introduction (Graves was screaming about someone’s soul getting scarred or something), Edge and Seth Rollins (presumably) closed up their feud with basically ever trick in WWE’s weird 2021 book. They did the kind of commercially acceptable showcase Hell in a Cell that’s common nowadays, an insane effort physically if not always creatively. Rollins was game for bumps (cell mesh doink to table?!), and Edge did that thing where he maintained the energy of his entrance by strategically using some signature moves.
Also tables. Ladders. Chairs. Stairs. A Cactus Jack elbow drop with chair on stairs and sunset flip powerbomb off ladder through table. Somewhere across its’ half-hour runtime it ended up in near egregious territory, but for a while there they were putting on a show. ***3/4
2. Mansoor vs. Mustafa Ali
Mustafa Ali got sent out there to settle down the crowd for 10 minutes, lay down for the hometown hero, then lay down for the country’s recent Olympic hero. Tareg Hamedi got disqualified and had to settle for Silver because he kicked his opponent too hard, which really is an ideal wrestling origin story if anyone wantred to run with it. Good work by everybody involved, and on a show with big reactions the pop for Hamedi’s reveal was WILD. ***
3. RAW Tag Team Title: RK-Bro [c] vs. AJ Styles & Omos
Over the last few months, Uncle Allen and the Viper have been showing big Omos and that sketch Riddle how to mail in a build-up and here they paid it off by mailing in a match. Riddle entered on a camel, Randy hit an RKO. **1/4
4. Queen’s Crown – Final: Doudrop vs. Zelina Vega
Bad tournament ended badly, though running just under six minutes bell-to-bell meant this was the tournament match given the best shot at being an actual match. This was actually the second time these two have had a match on a WWE Network special, and after two-and-a-half years the ask of them is still not very much. Nice tilt-a-whirl DDT by Queen Zelina. **
5. Falls Count Anywhere: Goldberg vs. Bobby Lashley
There is telegraphing a finish and then there is announcing shortly before the show that the No Holds Barred Match was now Falls Count Anywhere. Big Bob helped crazy Crazy Bill get through another action scene, and it was definitely something. Only at Crown Jewel does Bill Goldberg go more than 10. **1/2
6. King of the Ring – Final: Finn Balor vs. Xavier Woods
Appreciating Xavier Woods in a featured singles match, appreciating King Xavier’s big moment, and experiencing a match between two guys who are good at their WWE gig but have a ceiling here. ***1/4
7. WWE Title: Big E [c] vs. Drew McIntyre
This could’ve been a Big Time Match if they didn’t have to rush everything in place for the Draft and Survivor Series and so forth, though at the end of this 13 minutes of tight heavyweight wrestling action it is conceivable someone will re-visit. The first bit was all smacking and suplexing that occasionally leaned a little to WWE PC, but once E kicked out of the Claymore this thing got moving. It was back-and-forth WWE main event wrestling with the added bonus of looking painful as hell, and I’m having some complicated thoughts right now about it being a better example of slow build-up + hot finish than most of the G1 Climax. Rabid crowd will help I guess. Heck of a match. ***1/2
8. Triple Threat Match – SmackDown Women’s Title: Becky Lynch [c] vs. Bianca Belair vs. Sasha Banks
Speaking of WWE main event wrestling, these three put on the t-shirts and went to work. They packed 20 minutes with some serious non-stop action, big spots that just kept coming with extra juice provided by an especially emotive heel Becky Lynch. Becky’s legdrop was especially vicious, the random Sasha/Belair one-on-one exchanges ruled, and the close was perfectly frantic. This match beat-for-beat would make a tremendous main event on any show, but I guess there’s a lot of battles to fight. ***3/4
9. WWE Universal Title: Roman Reigns [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. Brock Lesnar
Roman and Brock — of one all-time great match six years ago then more that kept getting worse — locked horns again in Saudi Arabia. Two of their five singles matches were on these shows, mostly because not even the WWE Universe’s Stateside faithful would likely accept the goofball reality of Roman/Brock V enough to chant “This is Awesome” at it. Roman and Brock exude a presence whether intentional or not that can capture something unique to pro wrestling, but they didn’t do it here. 12 minutes of vaguely passable but completely cooked wrestling. **3/4
Happy Thoughts: There were a few matches here that could’ve carried a really fun Coliseum Video released a few decades ago, but as far as a four-hour modern day WWE extravaganza there just wasn’t enough content to work. Also why wasn’t most of this show just Actually SummerSlam? Look— 2.5 / 5.0
