Here’s a few match reviews from the empty arena double header at the world-famous NOAH TV STUDIO.
Naomichi Marufuji & Masaaki Mochizuki vs. Kaito Kiyomiya & Yoshiki Inamura
Unsatisfied with the gimmicky turnbuckle cam, the futurist NOAH production team have upgraded to a god damned DRONE CAMERA. Get this thing in the UFO report, stat. Not only does this device give you Brian De Palma-esque tracking shots of half-naked men chopping each other, it also makes up for the lack of crowd noise by filling the place with incessant buzzing. Visionary shit.
M’s Alliance and KAITOMURA embraced this new setting by having an occasionally pretty good match that would’ve benefitted from getting less time. That painful section where the vets slowly stomped away on inexplicable Monster Babyface in Peril Inamura didn’t do much for me, but the rest was solid enough. Kaito had some slick counters for Marufuji’s signature spots and Inamura managed to come off as completely beast-like in defeat. ***1/4
Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Masa Kitamiya – Hair vs. Hair Cage Match
Few people can turn shock value breakups into gold like Katsuhiko Nakajima. He did it last year with the incredible GHC title match that followed the somewhat-rushed AXIZ dissolution and did it again here, turning the random Agression split into the most dramatic NOAH match of 2021.
As the company’s first foray into caged territory, this delivered on all fronts. Save for the two mega bumps that went viral on Puro Twitter, frenemies Masa and Katsu approached the steel with an 80’s mind-set. Instead of over-relying on the thing for needlessly complicated spots, they stuck to the basics – throwing each other into it or flying off of it. There’s been so much cage overthinking in the last decades that the simplicity shown here was refreshing.
The match became less about the surrounding prop and more about pure, straight hatred. They structured the action wisely to get the most babyface juice out of Kitamiya, the poor guy getting destroyed for the first half of the match and having to claw his way back into the driver’s seat. Masa has his shortcomings, but he’s an inherently likeable fellow and knows how to sell. The way he put over Katsu’s stomach kicks was one of my favorite sell-jobs in AGES.
When Kensuke Sasaki’s boys started carving each other up with shoot headbutts, the drone camera buzzing turned into a horror movie soundtrack. Something out of Hereditary, but with more forearm strikes. The hardway blood enhanced the drama like crazy and augmented both wrestlers’ characters in the best possible way. Crimson masked Katsu looked like an absolute psychopath heel and Masa became an even more compelling hero, sacrificing his own brain in order to win this thing.
As much as I’d love to see an alternate universe-version of the match in front of a rabid crowd, the lack of audience played into the gritty vibe and boosted some of the knock out blows. Loved every minute of it. Death metal visuals and hard-nosed physicality for days, plus an outcome that might finally help Kitamiya reach a new level. ****1/2
Atsushi Kotoge © vs. HAYATA – GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title
Soul-crushing result or not, this was probably my favorite match of Kotoge’s reign. It takes a special kind of wrestler to make me care about HAYATA and today, Atsushi Kotoge was that guy. I’m not even as high on him as others, but he really put it all together here and carried Stinger’s mall goth enforcer to an engaging match. They went from smooth chain wrestling to a neck work story – Kotoge shining as the veteran champion dictating the pace.
Big match neck work tends to be one of the most boring limb tropes, but Kotoge made it work here with his creative offense and inspired cut-offs. Popped big time for the Victory roll into Figure 4 necklock and vicious rope-draped Killswitch! As is often the case with HAYATA matches, the ending stretch veered into movez for the sake of movez, but again, the champ kept me hooked with his high energy emoting and clever finisher setups. Real good times. ***3/4
Great Muta vs. Kenoh
Kenoh’s an expert at keeping himself relevant through fun storylines. There are better workers in NOAH, but few can match him when it comes to sheer episodic entertainment. He based an entire National title reign around eliminating shooterz, had a wild ideological showdown with DDT and brought it up to a new level here by throwing a FLAMING KICK at the Great Muta. This was pure dumb spectacle, done in an effective way that made the wrestling more enjoyable than most of Muto’s NOAH run.
Gone were the filler matwork and compulsory power naps, this was all Poisonous Mist counters and wacky fireball attacks. It’s crazy to think they decided to run this in front of no one, because both guys really went for it. Diving foot stomps to the floor, Shining Wizards off chairs – just all sorts of crazy shit. If the rest of Muto’s NOAH run embraces fun stupidity and stays away from 30-minute attempts at epic matches, then I’m there. ***1/2
