The worst thing about WWE being on Peacock now is how prominent it is on our cable box, so while I’m being a normie and watching TV with my wife she gets to go: “…Hell in a Cell?” all sarcastically and I have to respond and whatnot. Just embarrassing.
The hour-long Kickoff hosts didn’t have anything to talk about when WWE was moderately trying, and here they are in the Thunderdome still improvising takes on stories that don’t warrant them. Lawler, JBL and Rosenberg cracking jokes while Kayla Braxton keeps everyone on track is the worst energy too.
0. Natalya w/ Tamina vs. Mandy Rose w/ Dana Brooke
Each WWE Women’s Tag Team Title feud continues to be more of a puzzle than the last, and this one brings us shoot-style Mandy Rose doing a bodyscissors and guillotine choke. They got time and had some real stuff planned out here, but it kept feeling more like workshopping than wrestling. **
Good bit early on where I’m pretty sure Michael Cole and Pat McAfee were reading off an early script and put over how Rey Mysterio has never been in a Cell match before they got real quiet and moved on.
1. Hell in a Cell – SmackDown Women’s Title: Bianca Belair [c] vs. Bayley
“Shut up, Michael! They know. They watch me.”
Bianca Belair and Bayley are two of the best wrestlers in WWE not just because they can work, brother, but because they still do interesting shit – even when working with an uninteresting gimmick. They didn’t add much to Hell in a Cell canon, but they did have a pretty great match of good vs. evil where evil Bayley was a total psychopath: laying all her stuff in, yelling at Michael Cole, and just biting it anytime it was her turn to bump. The spinebuster through the double kendo sticks both looked like it hurt real bad and was an awesome comeback spot for Belair. They didn’t hit the epic heights of the previous three women’s Hell in a Cell matches, but like those it was a lot better than nearly all of the men’s efforts in a long time. ***1/2
2. Cesaro vs. Seth Rollins
Seth attacking Cesaro during his entrance brought a new vibe to a rivalry and match that likely peaked at WrestleMania, and they kind of proved that as the match settled down into a pretty normal WWE structure. Cesaro and Rollins work well together and make everything from a Rainmaker to Randy Orton powerslam make sense, but other than length it didn’t feel a lot different than their rematch on SmackDown. Seth Rollins is finally learning the power of hitting hard at least, a decade into his big run — the responsibilities of fatherhood change us in many ways. ***
3. Alexa Bliss vs. Shayna Baszler w/ Nia Jax and Reginald
The name “Hell in a Cell” is ridiculous as it is, but here was Shayna Baszler working an armbar opposite an Alexa Bliss that is really committed to this creepy and cringey character. The match ended after Nia Jax got possessed and Alexa did the Twisted Bliss splash off the top rope on Shayna. *1/2
4. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn
Sometimes when you are bound to do this forever, you have a pay-per-view match with somersault sentons to the floor and half-nelson suplexes all designed to put over Commander Azeez’ new finisher. I’m not even saying that’s a bad thing – this was a fun bunch of their greatest hits, just like the WrestleMania match. Extra nasty kick to the face for the finish too. ***1/4
5. RAW Women’s Title: Rhea Ripley [c] vs. Charlotte Flair
I liked their match for the NXT Women’s Title at WrestleMania 36, an early example of how it was possible to adapt to an empty arena before the Thunderdome appeared: physical work treated seriously in pursuit of a championship. This was not that. This was just a not good wrestling match, a bunch of main roster-inspired ideas in search of their professional wrestling purpose before Charlotte got DQ’d. There was the framework of an OK match but it just kept getting messy. **
6. Hell in a Cell – WWE Title: Bobby Lashley [c] w/ MVP vs. Drew McIntyre
Roman Reigns/Jey Uso, Bayley/Sasha, and Bayley/Belair — these were quality recent trips to Hell in a Cell. With Drew McIntyre involved though, it’s just the same thing that’s been done so many times before — crashes into the cage, cuts of the skin… this is pretty visceral stuff, but the way it’s approached is just a re-enforcement of the lack of ideas permeating through the WWE main event scene. I’d bet good money that Disco Inferno would have positive things to say about this match, a battle between two real heavyweight wrestlers — and at some level, he’s right. But mostly wrong. **3/4
Happy Thoughts: I am tired of saying the same things about Thunderdome pay-per-views, but: good wrestling, weird environment, too much trash. Bring back the humans. 3.0 / 5.0
