In the beginning there was a bang. Maybe. Cosmic dust led to moons and baboons, to hunting and horticulture. To a Tiger Mask and Tokyo Pimp, to Openweight Titles and Iron Fingers From Hell.
Welcome to the seventeenth edition of Wrestling Dontaku.
1. Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Toru Yano, Tiger Mask & Master Wato vs. EVIL, Yujiro Takahashi, Taiji Ishimori & Dick Togo
Respect to the boys, but start a show pairing up EVIL/Yano then Yujiro/Tenzan and I’m going to ask questions. You don’t need tight hammerlocks and dueling dropkicks, but try and charm just a little bit yeah? Hiroyoshi Tenzan remains just here, possibly the best wrestler in the whole match even if he’s ready to hobble off into the sunset with that janky foot he has. Dick Togo took some offense from the slightly improved Master Wato before Taiji finished off old Tiger Mask Four. **
2. Kazuchika Okada, SHO & YOH vs. Minoru Suzuki, El Desperado & Yoshinobu Kanemaru
This was a match where Kazuchika Okada made his return to the ring after a month off while Desperado and YOH did enough to reasonably convince everybody their match could be really good. Then it got cancelled. Kanemaru was so extra on his bumps here, like he was the only one that received the message these matches feel a little sad sometimes. **1/2
3. Tetsuya Naito, SANADA, Shingo Takagi & BUSHI vs. Will Ospreay, Great-O-Khan, Jeff Cobb & Aaron Henare
Those who are not governable sure aren’t going to like a whole Empire. Shingo and Will tossed each other around a bit, but I think the only point this really felt like it went beyond New Japan undercard match was when O-Khan picked up Naito and tossed him into SANADA. The Empire still isn’t really “there” for me but Los Ingobernables haven’t really been “there” for me since the EVIL turn either. Everybody got their thing in, as the world turns… **
4. Special Singles Match: Zack Sabre Jr. vs. Tanga Loa
Grappling, so much grappling, endless grappling and jockeying and grappling. They maintain a sort of credibility while sacrificing any entertainment factor whatsoever, though Tanga Loa does an admirable job playing the strong guy who can power out of ZSJ’s stuff if not actually just overpower him and win. Decent, unremarkable wrestling. **1/2
5. Iron Finger From Hell Ladder Match: Taichi vs. Tama Tonga
This was allegedly a match. More of an experiment than a match, but a whole bell rang at both the start and finish. I appreciated the seriousness with which the Iron Fingers From Hell (a kind of supercharged brass knuckles, for the luckily uninitiated) were bagged and strung up to the ceiling, but then they just went ahead and had any old Ladder Match. Each guy took a bump onto the ladder, did a convoluted cutter spot, and accepted their second’s interference with open arms.
Taichi is so enormously special the people will pop for his ascent up the ladder, but even he will lose them jumping off the ladder directly into a cutter from Tama. DOUKI actually unironically ruled here, his springboard spot and powerbomb through a ladder on the floor some of the only moments this 25-minute bunch of stuff felt alive. Tama tried to cutter Taichi off the ladder but Taichi just stayed up and won. Don’t let WWE be better at this. C’mon guys. C’mon. *3/4
6. NEVER Openweight Title: Hiroshi Tanahashi [c] vs. Jay White
An excellent wrestling match — you heard me, a wrestling match! The boys pulled off a compelling stretch of space and time via leg work and selling. There’s never going to be a rule banning matches over 30-minutes (unless…), but the minutes aren’t always the problem – it’s who is using them. Hiroshi Tanahashi, first of his name and master salesman of the Strong Style, is one who is actually capable of using those minutes. The viewer’s attention might not always be completely captured by the thing going on but who’s attention is captured by anything? Tana and Jay were making sure here that somethin’ was always goin’ on, man.
Lockups, clean breaks, and headlocks – anyone can do them; it’s how you do them! They brought an air of competition and seriousness to it all, whether wearing down a man’s leg in advance of the Texas Cloverleaf submission or just showing off their impressive abdominal muscles. Tanahashi spends the first bit keeping Jay trapped in a headlock, and Jay is no longer one to play along — he eventually lifts Tanahashi up and drops him balls-first on the top rope. Both guys target the leg most of the match and it feels less like filler and more like the mode of transportation for a winner.
As they head towards the end of the match all of nearly 40 minutes later, it isn’t about who can counter who and kickout of what at the last second; it’s just about whether or not Tanahashi can stand up on his own two legs and fight back. Tana does show enough life that it seems he will, so Jay resorts to trying to win by cradle. This causes Tana to get ballsy and try a Dragon suplex… so Jay strikes with Blade Runner, 1-2-3. The end. Tremendous match, ageless Tanahashi opposite a Jay White who’s figured his thing out. ****1/4
Happy Thoughts: Matches four and five being showcases for the Guerillas of Destiny will really mess with your card format, but GODDAM is the main event worth seeking out for anyone who likes professional wrestling. 2.75 / 5.0
