Welcome back, WWE. You stupid idiots.
The “E” remains ethically bankrupt and focused on partnerships over people, but this was a romantic return to form: begin on Mother Nature time, end on Boss Time.
The show began with a rumpled McMahon intro immediately followed by a rain delay that created a terrifying 60-seconds as I thought about all the ways WWE would panic and mess this up. Luckily the promos that followed for a half-hour were so unbelievably best-case scenario: improvisational! FUN! Could not believe how much I was enjoying 2021 promos from Seth Rollins and John Morrison.
Was that a thunderstorm coming, or just the energy of Titus Oneil!? My goodness. What an intro. Who was the clown with him?
1. WWE Title: Bobby Lashley [c] w/ MVP vs. Drew McIntyre
3… 2… 1! Bobby Lashley raising his title over both “This match is for… the WWE Championship!” and the primal roar of a live audience made for an incredible energy I thought they carried through the first few minutes as both guys went back to work: staredowns, shoulder tackles… staredowns! I honestly missed it.
I won’t tell you they sustained momentum as they went another 15, but the crowd going nuts for belly-to-back suplexes and spinebusters was awesome and they closed it up well enough with all their signature moves and McIntyre’s big dive. I’m not sure why McIntyre was suddenly a Kimura Lock guy and I probably would’ve trimmed off the whole idea of “bringing a crowd down” for the first match back — but a great experience. ***1/2
2. Tag Team Turmoil – Winners Challenge for WWE Women’s Tag Team Titles on Night 2: Naomi & Lana vs. Carmella & Billie Kay, Carmella & Billie Kay vs. The Riott Squad, The Riott Squad vs. Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke, The Riott Squad vs. Natalya & Tamina
Kind of loved this terrible match just for how terrible it was. It was rushed, sloppy, over-booked, and occasionally insulting: as much a return to form for WWE as anything tonight. Billie Kay cracks me up and I wish Riott Squad went the distance, but this was a mess better left not mentioned again. *1/2
3. Cesaro vs. Seth Rollins
Here’s Cesaro, the man employed long enough to be appreciated. The folks like him because he’s strong and impressive and when he really gets on a run, it is as exciting as anything in wrestling. The feud was built around that possibility, and the match was built around the possibility of him doing the Cesaro Swing during that run in front of the first big WWE crowd in a year. They delivered on both possibilities, and it ruled.
As WWE Superstars (insert trademark) for a decade, Cesaro and Rollins have dropped any pretense of being these deep and layered professional wrestlers — they’re known for Doing Cool Stuff, and that’s what people like to see. Cesaro has superhuman strength and does occasional 619’s; Rollins got a bunch of high-flyer spots in WWE main events and married Becky Lynch.
Rollins targeted Cesaro’s shoulder to put some mystery around Cesaro doing it or getting any real run in general, but this was really just about all the Cool Stuff and they kept bringing it. The finish hit all the right beats too, a sugar rush of a few minutes as Cesaro did a big Cesaro Swing followed by the UFO for the first time in WWE — and then he won. ****
4. RAW Tag Team Title: Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods [c] vs. AJ Styles & Omos
A match that accomplished something but like usual, I’ve GOT no idea why they jumped through all these hoops to get there. The build to and pop for big Omos’ tag was awesome, but why was the delivery system AJ Styles getting worked over to relative silence? Just kind of weird. Woods screamed “We are effectively cutting off the ring!” and AJ Styles did a Phenomenal Forearm off of Omos’ shoulders though – I’ll take it. Special. Attractive. **1/2
5. Steel Cage Match: Braun Strowman vs. Shane McMahon
Ironically, a pretty stupid match. That’s not necessarily a bad thing for WrestleMania; sometimes you need Elias and a steel cage being ripped apart and guys getting bonked in the head with a toolbox. Shane’s front flip and back bump off the top of the god damn cage was definitely a moment, but at this point I’m more concerned for than entertained by Shane-O-Mac. **1/2
6. Bad Bunny & Damian Priest vs. The Miz & John Morrison
Folks, the Bunny is good. He did a la magistral cradle and stereo falcon arrow; he sold a beating from The Miz and John Morrison like he was Ricky Morton. At the end of the day this is an above-average tag match with an incredible WrestleMania entrance for Bunny (and a dirt worst one for Miz & Morrison), but one where Bad Bunny did a Canadian Destroyer. ***1/4
7. SmackDown Women’s Title: Sasha Banks [c] vs. Bianca Belair
Bianca Belair enters first in her big WrestleMania gear, smiling and bubbly and leaning into it but not yet fully developed, not yet exuding the aura of a star. Like, I don’t know what a “star” is exactly but I know they make wrestling fun and Sasha Banks entered next looking like one — THE one.
It began with the vibes demanded of what it took to get two Black women in this spot, not just in the wrestling business but Vince McMahon’s wrestling business. It also began with the first dueling chants in a year, some solid wrestling sequences, and … uh, a wheelbarrow by Sasha that Belair tried to lift out of, only to be sent out of the ring and hit with a tope suicida that she rolled through and lifted out of into a gorilla press slam that she tossed Sasha back into the ring with by walking up the ring steps.
This had a few of the coolest things I’ve ever seen in wrestling, not to mention a WrestleMania match, and seamlessly worked them into a tight package that made a new star, had a literal thread to follow with Belair’s ponytail, and — rare for wrestling these days — ended at the right time. Plus I just felt all joyous and shit after it was over.
Belair lifted out of a small package into a double slingshot suplex followed by a double deadlift vertical suplex. She missed a 450 splash early on, then later avoided the stupid corner double foot stomp trope and used her core strength to power up top and hit a 450 for one of the match’s most epic near falls. I mean COME ON!!!
Sasha Banks is one of the greats; we knew that before this but now we get to talk about her as someone who delivered great wrestling in the main event of WrestleMania. Everything she did was on point, delivered with strategy or violence in mind. She’s also someone who will just bust out a perfect double tornado DDT in the middle of her WrestleMania match. I mean COME. ON.
I could say it was missing an extra insanity at the end to really put it over the top, but I’ve watched a lot of dramatic wrestling finishing sequences with a bunch of kickouts and this one had me elated more than any other. Sasha Banks is doing something completely different, and Bianca Belair is the one. *****
Happy Thoughts: I could’ve done without the bunny costumes and Jaxson Ryker, but this ruled. There were awesome little things like MVP’s proud limp to the ring and Sasha smacking at Belair’s abdomen to get out of a suplex; there were awesome big things like crowning achievements for Cesaro and Belair. The home audience, live audience, and wrestlers themselves all got some escapism and delivered a proper WrestleMania. 4.0 / 5.0
