1. Taichi, Zack Sabre Jr. & DOUKI vs. Tama Tonga, Tanga Loa & Jado
Hiromu Takahashi hopped on commentary to start the show and you know, I’d really like to see Hiromu vs. Taichi or Hiromu vs. ZSJ. Something to look forward to. Here, this was just a match. Some may want a “hot opener” and some just have to understand that sometimes, life is DOUKI vs. Jado. All six did manage some impressive rhythm in a match really just based around spots with an iron glove. ZSJ eventually rolls up Loa, with assist from the iron glove. *3/4
2. Kazuchika Okada, Toru Yano, Hirooki Goto, Tomohiro Ishii & YOSHI-HASHI vs. EVIL, KENTA, Yujiro Takahashi, Taiji Ishimori & Dick Togo
YOSHI-HASHI took his beating here, then Yujiro got weirdly competitive with Ishii. I don’t think Okada took one bump. He might not have even tagged in. **
3. Tetsuya Naito, Shingo Takagi & SANADA vs. Great O-Khan, Jeff Cobb & Aaron Henare
Before the match, Great O-Khan (who is already a Microphone Guy) introduces the newest member of the United Empire: Toa Henare, now wearing sunglasses and a robe and re-named Aaron. I get it: you go a half-hour with Jay White in the New Japan Cup and lose; you’d want to change things up too. The match was actually a decent showcase for the rebooted Henare, who moved well and was just tossing Naito around. Then he won! Naito got laid out after the match, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I’d mess with Shingo/O-Khan. **3/4
4. Hiroshi Tanahashi & Satoshi Kojima vs. Jay White & Bad Luck Fale
Tanahashi and Kojima were acting like a whole tag team here and for the third time this show, the daydreaming was better than the matchmaking. Bad Luck Fale continues to fit the role as big fat guy… but, why? Why any of it? To support the Tanahashi/White abdomen feud of 2021? That’s the play? Tana rallies and pins Fale with the High Fly Flow, then makes Jay tap to a Texas Clover Hold after the match. **3/4
5. IWGP Jr. Tag Team Title: El Desperado & Yoshinobu Kanemaru [c] vs. SHO & YOH
This was YOH’s return to the ring and with Roppongi 3K back in New Japan, we’re up to about three junior heavyweight tag teams. At least these tag teams really are tag teams, and I’ll tell you what: they had a very good tag team match. Roppongi 3K has got a new piano-based theme song too and I’m not sure it fits but I enjoyed listening to it.
They traded the traditional holds before an armdrag by YOH and double dropkicks to Kanemaru picked it up. Both YOH and SHO took turns taking a beatdown from Kanemaru & Desperado, who kept the pressure like seasoned professionals and — in Despy’s case — provided some tremendous big dick energy that took this match to another place. They lost a little steam at the end, but YOH getting the win brought it right back. Good stuff. ***1/2
6. IWGP World Heavyweight Title: Kota Ibushi [c] vs. Will Ospreay
Easter Sunday! I oughta go on an Easter Egg hunt, see what the Easter Bunny left — a-ha! Look! A blue egg! What’s inside? It’s a chocolate! We love a chocolate.
Look! An orange egg! What’s inside? It’s a dollar bill! We love a dollar.
Look! A green egg! What’s inside? It’s IWGP Heavyweight Champ, Will Ospreay! ARE YOU SERIOUS, EASTER BUNNY? GET OUT OF HERE. HOP THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
Here’s the thing. This match wasn’t good to begin with. They tried the beats New Japan usually plays — 30 minutes, counters, big strikes, kickouts — but without the personality that gets those beats bumping. New Japan having to have their main events go 30-minutes takes away the personality, Ibushi lost his personality, and Ospreay was gaining one until he decided to gain weight instead. They traded compelling characters for callbacks and camera shots, and all we ended up with was this attempt at some kind of good New Japan main event from two boring guys. BOOOOO!!! **3/4
Happy Thoughts: The IWGP Jr. Tag Titles match is good, the rest is supremely skippable. 3/10
