CASTLE ATTACK!! Wait, what Castle?
1. Hiroshi Tanahashi, Satoshi Kojima & Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Great O-Khan, Will Ospreay & Jeff Cobb
Tenzan may have lost the Mongolian Chop, but you never lose the boys. Even if they’re getting tossed around. Even if they’re getting slammed by Will. Even if that big jackass O-Khan is doing the chop himself. THE DISRESPECT.
This match has a hot tag from Hiroshi Tanahashi, so it’s better than a lot of matches. Tenzan struggles with the ethics of using his banished chop and Ospreay slips on a springboard. Khan takes out Tanahashi, Cobb takes out Kojima, and Tenzan wonders what’s next. Aw – it’s the OsCutter. **3/4
2. YOSHI-HASHI vs. Tanga Loa
YOSHI-HASHI goes for the kill with a submission right away which you have to appreciate, trying to avert himself of the challenge and the viewer from watching this match. Tanga fights him off, so he goes for it again. This is what we call babyface psychology.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t succeed and these fellows go 13 minutes. YOSHI-HASHI kicking Loa directly in the face five times in a row was a funny sight to see at whatever time it was but what a match to exist on a show that only had 6 matches in the first place. Choices. *3/4
3. Hirooki Goto vs. Tama Tonga
Tama Tonga and Hirooki Goto ran out directly after the last match to begin their own this sure isn’t ECW Hardcore TV, folks. I’m not reflexively opposed to New Japan doing interference and run-ins but for godssakes man can you work on the execution?! You don’t need an Austin pop every week but it cannot be this crap every time, man! These fellas had the decency to fight for only five minutes. **
4. YTR-Style Texas Strap Match – KOPW Title: Toru Yano [c] vs. Chase Owens
The King of Pro Wrestling Championship is a lot like the WWE’s 24/7 Championship introduced a year earlier: they weren’t exactly killing it prior, so why THIS? On one hand it gives a likable veteran something to do, on the other all footage suggests it is objectively the worst. I wish there was something here worth even having thoughts on, but even EVIL does better shtick than this. OK maybe not. DUD
5. Tomohiro Ishii vs. Jay White
These two had what is probably going to be my favorite match between them last year in the G1 Climax when they blended match and story into a beautiful harmony of professional wrestling greatness. Here, they had a pretty great semi-main event on a really bad show. The heat wasn’t there, though the quality of work was and Ishii once again sold his ass off: this time his ribs, which get absolutely wrecked on a suplex into the guardrail and he makes sure to sell like he’s bleeding out from his gut. Until he headbutts Jay in the face. It’s good but at 25 minutes didn’t sustain. ***1/4
6. Kazuchika Okada vs. EVIL
Then these two bozos went half an hour. At no point in that half-hour did they add anything — anything — to make the case for this match or feud existing. It felt like a contractually obligated deliverance of a wrestling match. What’s going on here, guys? Did this feud start last year or has it just been this year? Just a month or so? When did Okada stop caring? Why did EVIL immediately start working like a broken down Chono but worse when he turned? What even is time? Was Okada vs. Ospreay really just under two months ago? My god. **1/4
Happy Thoughts: The card did not lie: this show was not good. 1.0 / 5.0
