This isn’t even a real wrestling.
If you want to know my actual review, know this: you should not watch it.
I watch it, for I am diseased. You? If you want to watch it, feel free. But know that you should not.
WWE at one point was a cash-printing globetrotting enterprise, something that provided them a lot of unspoken power structures. For the last six months McMahon and his band of weirdos have been stuck at their stupid gym that hasn’t delivered an ROI outside of making the son-in-law look like a big business boy – and it is showing.
Left to their own devices, WWE not only did the Jeff Hardy/Sheamus feud they are now diving into what I can only describe as a bad faith parody of a Civil Rights movement while also stubbornly not just employing but promoting an alleged child sex predator. That kind of bad is new, right?
The Week in Review
Best Promos: Pat McAfee on Adam Cole (NXT 8/19/20)
Best Angles: NOTHING
Who made this worth it?: NOBODY
Notable Trends: WWE Enters the ThunderDome
RAW (8/17/20)
How and why are all these people in FLORIDA hanging out indoors while not wearing masks or social distancing on live television? This is one of the only first run things going right now in America and they are actively leaning into not just ignoring that there is a pandemic but showcasing every single bad behavior that helps it flare. Like, do you have to have Tom and Byron shoulder-to-shoulder on commentary? Even if they tested negative, why not get in on The Conversation and not continue to be something somebody flips on and is reminded why wrestling is not only not worth watching but maybe one of the worst things that exists?
This felt like the scraps of what I hope were the last PC tapings, another ultra-low effort on the Road to * squints* … SummerSlam.
There were eight matches, all of which only went a few minutes and all of which stunk. Some had lame gimmicks and others were just bad. The rest of the show felt like WWE finally delivering on its’ promise of going FULL soap opera and it was god awful: Ivar and Angel Garza crushed on the same girl, found footage revealed that Zelina Vega poisoned Montez Ford last week, and Shawn Michaels showed up to do his usual “duhhh urr be careful tough business I ran with Triple H hey remember when I retired Ric Flair?”
Everybody is just yapping back-and-forth and there’s somehow less motivation for their actions than usual. At least previously you could get away with “I do it for the fansssss…”
Shane McMahon‘s shouting is the ace of RAW Underground right now too, which seems bad.
NXT (8/19/20)
There will be five guys tumbling around a ladder on Saturday for the North American Title, and here Johnny Gargano and … sigh … Velveteen Dream punched their ticket to be two of those guys. Dream beat Finn Balor in a match I liberally fast-forwarded through, not necessarily because of any moralistic stance but more because I don’t have the life-force to watch these two wrestle for 20 minutes followed by a bunch of run-ins.
Gargano vs. Ridge Holland was the most unnecessary match, as little Johnny spent like 10 minutes working Holland’s arm before he won with a ball shot and his gymnastics DDT. Why did I have to watch Ridge sell arm work and a kick to the balls? Why can’t Ridge just wreck people? Why can’t Johnny do anything else?
I don’t like Mercedes Martinez‘ jacket.
MAIN EVENT (8/19/20)
Humberto Carrillo found a second wind before Murphy defeated him 20 seconds later followed by a hilarious reaction of disappointment from Kayden Carter in the crowd that could easily be slotted into any part of any show.
NXT UK (8/20/20)
It was nice to hear the voices of Lord Alfred Hayes, Jim Ross, Dusty Rhodes, and Bobby Heenan on the call.
SMACKDOWN (8/21/20)
Big E/Sheamus and Jeff Hardy/AJ Styles for the IC Title were both solid bordering on outright good matches, the former delivering on ass-kicking and the latter delivering a title change.
Cesaro & Nakamura vs. Lucha House Party for the SmackDown Tag Team Title didn’t really hit and the Sonya/Mandy feud could’ve just used a video package if I’m being honest. Feel like they could’ve taken the week off, you know?
The bit with Braun Strowman, The Fiend and an ambulance at the end was one of those embarrassing wrestling things that isn’t worth spending much time thinking about, even if it was the last build for this Sunday’s SummerSlam Universal Title match. Strowman said on the WWE 24 about WrestleMania 35 that it’s important to him people can flip on WWE during COVID-19 and escape – bubba, this is no longer much of an escape.
