It’s the ONLY WrestleMania too big for one night, until probably next year and all the years after that.
Everybody still doing their pose to nobody in the crowd still kills me, but WWE in an empty arena felt slightly less ridiculous this weekend.
0. Natalya vs. Liv Morgan
They did a little grappling, a little shit talking, and then it was over. *1/2
1. NXT Women’s Title: Rhea Ripley [c] vs. Charlotte Flair
Charlotte Flair’s big title match approach translated well to an empty arena, with a physicality and general seriousness making this feel like the most intense, real wrestling match of the weekend. Charlotte actually roared at one point, like a lion. It worked. Like Owens/Rollins, it was one of the only matches since the COVID began that I could feel hitting big with a live crowd. Between Ripley’s awesome gear and looking credible in a title match that felt credible, I don’t think the loss hurts her either. ***3/4
2. Aleister Black vs. Bobby Lashley
I don’t understand WWE’s insistence on putting Lashley in these 10-minute matches with high-flyers – feels like it misses the point of both Lashley and the high-flyer. They did all their big stuff and ended up with an OK match. Highlight for me was probably Lashley emerging from the entrance with his long black pants as Lana stood by him looking like she was doing a Stephanie McMahon tribute. **
3. Otis vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Sonya Deville
A very rudimentary that absolutely needed a crowd chanting for Otis and popping when he kissed Mandy Rose. The moment was fun, but dang. *
4. Last Man Standing Match: Edge vs. Randy Orton
I wanted this to rule thanks to that inspiring WWE 24 documentary on Edge’s return to the ring, but this wasn’t a return to the ring – more a return to aimless, fake-looking brawling where both guys breathed really heavily. It went from not good to outright offensive as it ticked all the way to a 35-minute runtime. The RKO at the start ruled, Edge telling the ref to “get the fuck out” before he finished Orton off ruled – throw everything else in the trash. *
5. RAW Tag Team Title: Street Profits [c] vs. Angel Garza & Austin Theory w/ Zelina Vega
This was a fun bunch of stuff from exciting young rasslers, really an ideal follow-up to whatever that Last Man Standing Match was. Bianca Belair showing was an ideal follow-up to this match too. **1/2
6. Fatal 5-Way Match – SmackDown Women’s Title: Bayley [c] vs. Naomi vs. Lacey Evans vs. Sasha Banks vs. Tamina
Bayley generally killed it here, but at 20 minutes this was just too drawn out to actually stand out. They were playing me like a fiddle at the end with Lacey pinning Sasha and a turn tease or two, but despite some quality moments here and there – including Lacey having to muster up strength in her hurt hand to do a salute before she did a moonsault off the top rope – the match was just kind of boring. **1/2
7. Firefly Fun House Match: John Cena vs. The Fiend
This was more Adult Swim short than professional wrestling match, but it played with the concept of professional wrestling in the coolest possible way. WWE does all kinds of weird things, but John Cena and Bray Wyatt teleporting into what seemed to be Cena’s unconscious to have a self-referential match at WrestleMania is another level of weird. Happy they did it.
This was a journey to watch unfold, one goofy smile after another as Cena appeared in his debut gear, Wyatt did the Nikki Bella pose, the full Saturday Night’s Main Event intro played, a John Cena nWo fantasy aired, Puppet Vince exclaimed “that’s such good shit!,” and John Cena was rendered a mere mortal as The Fiend definitively pinned him in that ring. A wonderful, amazing and most importantly fun trip. ****
Hope they auditioned people for the spot of reacting after Firefly Fun House, and Titus O’Neil won it.
8. WWE Title: Brock Lesnar [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. Drew McIntyre
This was pretty much the same match as Strowman/Goldberg, finisher after finisher with a few kickouts and shots of the competitors going “WHOAAAA NOT SURE HOW HE DID THAT!” Brock and Drew in particular though do bring a certain kind of seriousness to their matches where they can almost get away with it. I wish they beat each other up more, I wish Paul Heyman yelled more, and I wish COVID-19 was extinct. Drew smirking at the ridiculousness of his big celebration in front of nobody both made me smile and bummed me out. **3/4
Happy Thoughts: This show felt a little long. It was another fine effort by WWE in These Uncertain Times, but each night had one really good match and one really awesome cinematic match – Night 2’s other stuff didn’t hold up as well as Night 1’s, and Night 2 also happened to have that stinking turd of a Last Man Standing Match in the middle of it. 5/10
