These are Happy Thoughts, but I am tired, anxious, frustrated, confused, uncertain, and sad. It is the days of the COVID-19 pandemic, the days of necessary but mind-altering lockdowns, the days of bullshit incompetence masquerading itself as news and debate.
I’m embracing and appreciating time spent with family. It’s a blessing being able to spend so much time with my two-year-old son.
Still… tired, anxious, frustrated, confused, uncertain, and sad.
These are Uncertain Times, everybody keeps saying. Seems like too simple of a term for what’s actually going on. Definitely feels like The Storm Before the Storm more than any kind of Uncertain Time, and there’s this simultaneous feeling that where this ends up is both a complete mystery and also completely, nakedly certain. At a time the citizen me wants to embrace my country, my world, my fellow man… I also have my brow furrowed so hard in every general direction.
Anyways, WrestleMania still happened. Of course it did. No fans or anything, but yeah – it happened.
The Kickoff Show with Corey and Peter and Renee and Booker and Mark was just like any other Kickoff Show, except Corey and Peter hosted in front of a green screen and the latter three hosted from a video chat. It was the usual never-ending back-and-forth over conflicts that aren’t all that interesting.
0. Drew Gulak vs. Cesaro
Gulak and Cesaro can’t not have a smart solid wrestling match with each other. Fun grappling, quality arm selling, and then it just ended. It ended with Cesaro’s amazing UFO move, but it still just… ended. A welcome Kickoff Match, but at four-and-a-half minutes a strange delivery. **3/4
The intro to this show was a trip, from the jarring America the Beautiful mash-up filled with screaming crowds followed by the intro video where they went with a cheeky, silly British guy to set the tone. Then Rob Gronkowski appears on the screen looking like an incredibly dressed goof. I don’t think he and Mojo added anything to the show outside of the Gronk name.
1. WWE Women’s Tag Team Title: The Kabuki Warriors [c] vs. Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross
I’ll say what everyone has said: Kairi Sane not able to enter with a pirate ship at the pirate-themed WrestleMania is a shame, a shame not to be equated with anything surrounding COVID-19 but a shame none the less. Now I watched this match for 15 minutes and I have no idea if it was any good or not. I’m going “pretty good.” Bliss and Cross are talented, but nothing’s been done in recent memory to make them seem credible going against Asuka and Sane so all the back-and-forth just didn’t read right. I guess the no crowd being there didn’t read right either. I respect them for going 15 minutes and having a fine 15 minute match but there just wasn’t enough content. **3/4
2. Elias vs. King Corbin
Here’s two capable Performance Center sports entertainers who have not really improved as Performance Center professional wrestlers since their jump from NXT to the main roster. I respect the random midcard Mania match, the Brutus Beefcake vs. Ted DiBiase or Rick Rude vs. Jimmy Snuka, a match that won’t be great or get much shine but has two acts that are over enough to get by anyways.
Even at just 8 minutes though this could’ve been way more to the point, especially considering Corbin tried to murder Elias a week ago. Just an average TV match with a stupid WWE finish that helps nobody and makes you roll your eyes. Elias survives a fall to his death and comes back a week later to beat his would-be murderer with a flash rollup. Kind of weird! *1/2
3. RAW Women’s Title: Becky Lynch [c] vs. Shayna Baszler
Another match under 10 minutes, this one did feel rightfully to the point although because it’s a WWE Title match they had to have an apron spot and swing into the commentator’s table and whatnot. I dug them smacking each other, grappling each other countering each other, trying to tap each other out… didn’t so much dig all the spot setup so it could feel like a big match or something. The surprise finish was well-done, but it lacked an atmosphere and didn’t have enough intensity to make up for that. ***
4. WWE Intercontinental Title: Sami Zayn [c] w/ Cesaro and Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Daniel Bryan w/ Drew Gulak
Just a lovable match, packed with guys who are really good at this and also seem pretty swell. I appreciated Cole calling out how Zayn has basically been untouchable for months, because I can now comment in these Happy Thoughts on how that dynamic brought up what was already pretty quality work. Zayn was running around and being a loud-mouth, while Bryan adds the little things even to an ass-kicking: legit punches to the forehead, a wildman tope, and a charge and takedown so legit it felt like Zayn stole Bryan’s dog Josie.
There’s definitely something missing from all this, just a general lack of investment or energy or something, but it’s a fun quick midcard match between two fan favs. ***1/4
5. Triple Threat Ladder Match – SmackDown Tag Team Title: John Morrison [c] vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Jimmy Uso
A properly wild, dangerous, and overall curious match – I think it’ll be something fun to look back on. Morrison and Kingston, famous for all their tricky spots in both Royal Rumbles and Ladder Matches, getting to just let loose with creative and insane stuff is very cool – especially with Jimmy gosh dang Uso along for the ride. In front of an empty crowd though a lot of it felt extra fake. Most of WWE’s Ladder Matches in the last two decades have felt like that, but that no crowd aspect made all three taking their time to setup stunts or bumping around for This Business seem real silly. The cute finish felt EXTRA dumb without a sea of people reacting too. All fun and whatnot, but keep it simple stupid. ***1/4
6. Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins
One thing about no crowd is that it becomes near impossible for a match to reach second gear, to get to the point where it moves from fun sequences to a legitimately compelling piece of business. It’s really up to you to get completely enveloped in it, but it’s unnatural to read any attempt at live drama when live people aren’t real-time audibly responding to it. That’s especially true for WWE, who runs a billion matches a year.
This is the only match I have seen since the empty arena matches where I felt a second gear, where I could distantly hear those “This is Awesome” chants. Owens and Rollins are complicated, both quality wrestlers but overexposed workhorses who are plastered on TV week after week. They’re the modern hybrid kind of wrestler, guys with a variety of styles but maybe no distinguishing one themselves. Either way, they absolutely have their match down pat and put extra spice on it for Mania. They went hard at building to a crescendo and actually got there… until Rollins got DQ’d.
That DQ was awkward. Bummed me out at first. Just a big “WHY?” It created a fun moment with Owens calling bullshit and demanding a No DQ Match, but I wonder why they couldn’t just make it a No DQ Match in the first place. Either way, the rest was fun and capped off by an outrageous bump by Owens from the top of the stage through Rollins and a commentary table like a family man Sabu. ***3/4
7. WWE Universal Title: Goldberg [c] vs. Braun Strowman
“The Universal Champion, WWE Hall of Famer… Goldberg!” – how did any of this even happen?
Just a weird match, as Roman Reigns being replaced with Braun Strowman just a day before the show was handled in a way where the desire to not call attention to it called a whole lot of attention to it. This was a vaguely interesting match on paper, but once they hit the ring it was clear there were zero actual issues or dynamics driving this. I know deep down Braun wants this title bad, that he’s been on the road for 5 years and keeps losing his big tile shots, but that’s because I am a nerd – WWE themselves did this no favors at all.
Finisher spamming has jumped the shark, and maybe the Goldberg sprint has too. Goldberg hit 3 spears right away then Braun hit 4 powerslams, only one of which felt like he had actual grip on Bill. Maybe there’s a logic somewhere to just accepting it and getting through it. I think the Goldberg buzz died the second the live crowds disappeared, and with Roman out to there’s not many options. Of course you also never had to put the title on Bill again but now we’re splitting hairs.
Braun finally, finally raising a top title after so many starts and stops in front of nobody to no reaction was a bummer *1/4
8. Boneyard Match: The Undertaker vs. AJ Styles
They did a straight-up movie scene and it ruled. The House of Horrors Match and visit to The Wyatt Family compound from years past had me dreading this, but as soon as AJ Styles popped out of the casket it felt like they had the tone just right. This was a match that both embraced both the ridiculousness and possibilities of pro wrestling, with 20 minutes of hand-to-hand combat and henchman attacks and explosions and at an abandoned house by a graveyard. The Undertaker ruled so hard here, talking shit like Clint Eastwood and selling pain like Daniel Day-Lewis. Gallows & Anderson unleashing a gang of druids on Taker was next level stuff, made even better by Taker putting his dukes up and giving a good old-fashioned, “If we’re gonna do this, let’s do this.”
AJ Styles ruled too, and what he’s lost in-ring he is nearly making up in character so this was the perfect showcase. He was a great dirtbag who begged off like a champ, although he read a little first scene villain than ultimate boss.
AJ’s hand sticking out of the dirt at the end, followed by The Undertaker raising his fist as the house exploded before driving off in his motorcycle to Metallica, is now iconic. It doesn’t make sense to but I’ll rate it **** – anything more is disrespect to the boys and anything less is lunacy.
Happy Thoughts: Impossible odds, but the last half saved a weak first half. I’ll go out on a limb and say everyone worked their asses off, but only a few really hit. WWE got in its own way with the finishes too… with the exception of the opener and AJ Styles’ actual death in a Boneyard Match, everything else had to be cute: cradle, cradle, interference, ladder confusion, restart, squash, and a man buried alive. Actually that last one rocked. Nothing really felt like it was blown off or is leading anywhere exciting, but because of the Boneyard Match more than anything this will be a night I fondly remember. 6/10
