Can’t someone at least cut a good promo or something?
RAW (3/23/20)
All the main feuds are limping to WrestleMania with promos ranging from decent to the same old shit. Paul Heyman and AJ Styles fall into the latter, Seth Rollins and Randy Orton the former. The Rollins one on Kevin Owens did that WrestleMania thing where they start referencing The Business and it had some fun bits of truth to it, even if this feels like a match that needs a stipulation. The possibilities are endless now, give us a Barbed Wire Match or something.
Wish they had the balls to show matches from before 2014 too.
We’re finding out every week who the brass actually trusts in live empty arena matches of any substance. Besides Becky Lynch‘s awesomely brutal chairshot on Shayna Baszler, Andrade and Angel Garza injected life into this show going a random half hour vs. Ricochet and Cedric Alexander. I’m not sure when the Street Profits match at WrestleMania was announced, but I’m here for it. Garza was the star of the show, hitting on Charly Caruso before the match and removing his tag rope and trying to use it in a different corner during it. Awkward finish though, oops.
Brendan VINK has a heck of a bad last name, and he teamed with Shane Thorne in what Twitter tells me was a TMDK reunion against the Street Profits. In this case, The Mighty DID Kneel.
Is anybody positive that Riddick Moss is not actually Tony Nese? Either way, R-Truth is the 24/7 Champion again. He won it outside.
That Rollins/Cena/Lesnar match at Royal Rumble 2015 and Charlotte/Asuka from WrestleMania 34 are both excellent, but when an old man wants to yell about wrestling the old stuff doesn’t count.
NXT (3/25/20)
Much prefer the soothing sounds of Cody and Tony vs. Tom Phillips screaming at me though.
I was into the debut of new gimmicks here – now really is the perfect time to establish a few guys before a live crowd debut. Tehuti Miles has a thing to him, even if he got beat real bad by Killian Dain. In these trying times, I enjoyed the dynamic of Miles being all cocky and cute one minute before being all exhausted and hurt the next. And Malcolm Bivens finally, finally showed up on TV with a random but wild attack on Matt Riddle by Bivens’ first clients: Rinku Singh and Saurav Gurjar. They seem scary.
Austin Theory vs. Tyler Breeze opened the show with a solid match. The pop for Io Shirai‘s return would’ve been cool, and she made pretty quick work of Aliyah in a #1 Contender’s Ladder Match Qualifier. Candice LeRae did the same of Kayden Carter after some admirable chain wrestling.
Oney Lorcan & Danny Burch beat Shane Thorne & Brendan Vink in the latter’s second appearance this week, and I cannot believe they are saddling Thorne with a guy who has another completely unmarketable name. Brendan Vink seems like a good-looking fellow and fine wrestler, but it’s a non-starter until you #ChangeTheName.
Matt Riddle vs. Roderick Strong was quality stuff – these two do matches that peak when a crowd peaks, but without one they provided a good credible match with a lot of cool counters… most notably a running elbow from Roddy caught with The Derek piledriver. WILD.
MAIN EVENT (3/25/20)
Asuka vs. Kayden Carter was pretty much Asuka hamming it up for the few folks in the building. Humberto Carrillo and Danny Burch meanwhile had a fine silent lifeless wrestling match.
NXT UK (3/26/20)
Outside of promos to build-up a Battle Royal for a shot at WALTER at a TakeOver that isn’t happening, Marcel Barthel & Fabian Aichner vs. Ashton Smith & Oliver Carter was a very solid tag match with a better than usual hot tag from Smith and better than usual hot finish.
A-Kid vs. Noam Dar got right to the point which was nice but made for a forgettable match, even if Dar’s shit talk post-match was quality.
Aofie Valkyrie vs. Nina Samuels simply existed.
SMACKDOWN (3/27/20)
Drew Gulak vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, a damn dream match if I’ve ever heard of one, was about 5 minutes of cool grappling before Daniel Bryan of all people cheated to win. Instead of a Bryan and Gulak trio with Shorty G, give me Bryan getting Nakamura and Cesaro to turn on Sami Zayn at Mania.
“I know it may sound silly, but please – clap along at home. And don’t worry about your neighbors.. they’ll be clapping too.” Nice line by Elias before King Corbin knocked him off a tall platform in a hilariously poorly filmed stunt. Elias may be dead now. The things WWE does with their backs to the wall, I tell ya.
Thinking the Otis/Ziggler Mania match is going to be one hurt the hardest by no crowd, but Otis yelling TUCKYYYY to nobody in particular killed me.
A Firefly Fun House Match? A Boneyard Match? I’d be excited but I’ve also been watching these fellas at work for a long time.
The New Day vs. The Usos for a shot at Miz & Morrison almost got going. All these guys are great, but it’s not like many matches will peak with no crowd pops. Definitely one or two near falls that would’ve flipped people out, had they been there.
205 LIVE (3/27/20)
Joaquin Wilde vs. Isaiah “Swerve” Scott had a match where they got to let loose and do alllll their cool stuff, and had people been there there might be some buzz around this one. Even the stuff that didn’t work was adorably creative.
Tony Nese vs. Oney Lorcan worked the mat for 10 minutes until Nese won with a knee. Then Nese made sure to remind everybody after his win that Oney pinned him in that Elimination Tag a couple weeks ago that was probably supposed to lead to something before there was a global pandemic.
Oh well.
I dunno, folks.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Had the benefit of a crowd, but Jordan Devlin vs. Travis Banks from NXT UK – easy
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Malcolm Bivens
