At least the steel wasn’t painted bright red.
0. Zack Ryder & Curt Hawkins vs. The Viking Raiders
Why spend even a moment of Ryder and Hawkins on offense if all they are going to do is chinlocks to keep a Raider down? An absolute indictment of the FCW system just as the documentary about it came out. *
1. Daniel Bryan vs. Drew Gulak
Sometimes it takes a couple fellows having a fake grappling contest using only their holds and reactions to their fellow man’s hold to remind you how special pro wrestling is.
It was a ballsy move having Daniel Bryan and the re-introduced Drew Gulak open a show doing matwork, but if anyone’s going to re-wire a WWE live audience’s brain I think these two are top candidates. This type of match doesn’t come around here often, so you better appreciate it. And while I have no faith they follow-up, Bryan made Gulak look like a contender. Credit to Cole and Graves for trying to give a shit too. A pleasure to watch. All downhill from here. ****1/4
2. WWE U.S. Title: Andrade [c] w/ Zelina Vega vs. Humberto Carrillo
That part where Humberto finally worked his way out of an armbar with an armdrag, only to charge into an Andrade back elbow followed by Andrade’s pose was such a beautifully timed wrestling cut-off. Otherwise, they had their match. It’s good and occasionally impressive, but the first few never reached a second gear and I don’t think this did either. Good, just good. ***
3. Elimination Chamber – SmackDown Tag Team Title: John Morrison & The Miz [c] vs. The New Day vs. The Usos vs. Lucha House Party vs. Heavy Machinery vs. Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode
Remember when people thought having a themed pay-per-view with two of them was going to kill the Elimination Chamber gimmick? Well, it kind of did. I feel like IC Title one post-Bryan injury was where the Chamber jumped the shark, but maybe it was earlier. This one felt like the first women’s Chamber two years ago, where they had a few really awesome spots planned out in between a whole bunch of NOTHING. Just a lot of cute pre-planned BS that wasn’t violent or interesting or fun or basically anything that makes wrestling good.
The poor Lucha guys really summed up the WWE life: Metalik went out there with his long hair flying free and did a hurricanrana off the tall Chamber pod, while Dorado did a risky spot where he leaped into the cage mesh and fell upside down with his feet trapped AND a Shooting Star Press from the Chamber ceiling. 10 seconds after that last spot… elimination, by a finishing maneuver named “The Compactor.”
Tucker’s dive was wild, but Otis vs. Dolph just didn’t feel as big as it needed to be. Otis got chants, but the crowd deflation after he got his hands on Dolph for the first time only to just drop him with a snake eyes was jarring. Miz & Morrison’s cradle finish looked cool I guess. **
4. No DQ Match: Aleister Black vs. AJ Styles w/ The O.C.
We’ve got Aleister Black vs. AJ Styles and they are doing GIMMICKS? Black unloading on Styles with the kendo stick and his big time step-up knee smash were awesome. Otherwise, despite some good old-fashioned physicality this was kind of a bore for 20+ minutes and extra disappointing considering the players involved. Styles is an old man now, but I thought he’d try something special with a young pup like Aleister. Awesome Undertaker pop, AWESOME Black Mass, but gosh dang. **1/2
5. RAW Tag Team Title: The Street Profits [c] vs. Seth Rollins & Murphy
The Street Profits are finding themselves, with another hype pre-match promo and a cool entrance and now a spot where Dawkins wrenches a guys’ arm to the tune of “WE! GOT! THE SMOKE!” Rollins tried a dive on Dawkins, got caught, screamed NOOO, and got suplexed him on the floor. Later on the Profits caught a big tope con hilo from Murphy and powerbombed him into the barricade. What I am trying to say is there were a lot of cool topes here. Good of Rollins to just blend in with these three youngsters too. Solid tag plus Kevin Owens hijinks. ***
6. 3-on-1 Handicap Match – WWE Intercontinental Title: Braun Strowman [c] vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, Cesaro & Sami Zayn
There was an entire video package before this match, and – well – I watched the feud that led to this match. It did not deserve a video package. And outside of Sami Zayn’s insane hair and pants this was a bunch of piss break bullshit. On a night of long matches, the three dudes holding down Braun somehow felt like the longest. At least they did the right thing and made it so a single man, even Braun Strowman himself, could not defeat all three of these formerly pretty hype wrestlers. *
7. Elimination Chamber – Winner Faces Becky Lynch for the RAW Women’s Title at WrestleMania: Natalya vs. Asuka vs. Ruby Riott vs. Liv Morgan vs. Sarah Logan vs. Shayna Baszler
If opening the show with Bryan vs. Gulak was ballsy, ending it with Shayna Baszler methodically beating everybody in this match was a level of testicular fortitude I was not aware WWE had anymore. Once Shayna came in at about 10 minutes, the next 10 was her choking out Natalya, Ruby and Sarah in quick succession to build to a showdown with Asuka, who admirably talked ALL the shit from her pod. Then after a few minutes of grappling, Asuka got choked out too. Baszler was credible, vicious, different, dominant… all the good stuff. It was a quality angle, just a weak main event. **
Happy Thoughts: Bless Drew and Daniel. 2/10
