Deep sigh.
Horrible.
No heat and no interest, brought to you by a too big to fail disorganized mess.
I can make some hefty reaches to get entertainment out of WWE, and I’ve gotten used to appreciating a good trainwreck. This week was just boring.
RAW (3/2/20)
Is Elimination Chamber actually this weekend? Was this actually supposed to sell it? Is the hard sell for a WWE Network special even real anymore? Was this crowd seriously at the Barclays Center? Should I still be watching this anymore?
It started and ended fine – not great, but fine. Drew McIntyre laying out Brock Lesnar was cool, but cooler was Drew standing face-to-face with Brock and looking bigger than him. Meanwhile Randy Orton is still on another planet and just refusing to let the Edge feud go stale. RAW closed on a man delivering the RKO to Beth Phoenix. That’s heavy.
Otherwise, shit. The Street Profits won the RAW Tag Team Titles in a sudden, low energy match. Riddick Moss dominated and just pinned Ricochet clean in an absolute gut check. Ruby Riott vs. Liv Morgan with Sarah Logan as Guest Ref happened, but it was thrown together and sucked. Riott Squad deserve better.
They randomly paid off Erick Rowan‘s cage gimmick backstage, revealing it to be a big mechanical spider. WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ANYMORE?
Aleister Black beating Karl Anderson then Luke Gallows before getting a match with and losing to AJ Styles was the most frustratingly lame and dumb bunch of wrestling. Actively hurt Black, Gallows AND Anderson, and didn’t move Styles an inch.
It was a SPIDER???
Shayna Baszler vs. Kairi Sane was incredible in NXT and the Mae Young Classic – here on RAW, it just came and went. A completely unspectacular, nearly boring match. It was overwhelmed by Becky Lynch dressing up like Flash Morgan Webster or something.
At the very least, Rey Mysterio & Humberto Carrillo vs. Andrade & Angel Garza brought the joy before Beth got laid out. They went a couple commercials and it sure took its time to get moving, but it was THESE four fellows having themselves a very WWE match. Fun, impressive wrestling that makes me wonder when it gets interesting.
NXT (3/4/20)
Tegan Nox and Dakota Kai threw it down in a Cage Match, not as wild as their Street Fight but a bunch of heated brawling and bumps with an awesome Shiniest Wizard near fall towards the end. Actually that really should’ve ended it. Points for creativity on the finish (and Mauro’s “SON OF A BITCH!”), but a classic WWE deal where instead of naturally extending something they’re just going to lazily milk it for a little while longer.
Shotzi Blackheart is probably more over than getting squashed by Chelsea Green, but somebody has to lose. Cameron Grimes getting BIG HEAT opposite Keith Lee was fun, but I couldn’t tell you I was moved. The Isaiah “Swerve” Scott/Austin Theory angle and match was probably the best Swerve has looked in WWE, and I’m putting that on him delivering vs. anything Theory did particularly well.
The Undisputed Era vs. Oney Lorcan & Danny Burch was a formula tag team match with more quality than usual in the form of European uppercuts and kneebars and shit. It’s weird that Oney Lorcan of all guys has a well-known formula now – classic WWE! Good formula though. I liked the finish with Oney running at both O’Reilly and Fish with uppercuts before they were both just like, “K”, and did their finish.
Psssst… O’Reilly and Fish are better at being The Revival than The Revival.
“You think that was a sneak attack? I was wearing a powder blue sports coat!” Johnny Gargano is still an unconvincing promo but his sit-down with Mauro Ranallo was a solid deal, mostly because Mauro played it real real good.
There was another Cage Match on this show, between Velveteen Dream and Roderick Strong, and I will tell you what: it was boring. The hook here was that Dream wrestled Strong in a cage for 15 minutes so he could ultimately lock NXT Champ Adam Cole in there and here we go.
MAIN EVENT (3/4/20)
“This is a little history-making here, Mickie, as this is the actual first one-on-one matchup here in WWE between Eric Young and Akira Tozawa.” THEY REALLY ACTUALLY SAID THAT ON TELEVISION.
NXT UK (3/5/20)
Bomber Dave Mastiff got a shot at the NXT UK Title against WALTER for the main event, and I wish it was better than it was. They went 10 minutes and kept it to the point with clobbering and signature moves but it was the most disappointingly “good” match they could possibly have.
Alexander Wolfe vs. Travis Banks opened the show with some neat spots around Wolfe’s power and Banks’ double stomping,
Otherwise, it was a week of potential: Aofie Valkyrie and Isla Dawn certainly have it, as does Ridge Holland with his sweet music and presence.
SMACKDOWN (3/6/20)
This was all over the galaxy: the two big Mania matches showed up in video package form, Sean Waltman sparred with Sami Zayn, the women’s division produced two crap tags, and a Gauntlet Match kept the tag division busy for 45 minutes as Otis and Tucker of all guys went the distance.
Meanwhile the week-on-week-off midcard – Sheamus, Shorty G, Apollo Crews, Elias, and now King Corbin – all killed time. At least we’re getting Daniel Bryan vs. Drew Gulak.
A Moment of Bliss with the nWo and eventually Sami Zayn, Cesaro, Shinsuke Nakamura and Braun Strowman was fun for the boys being at it again, but eventually it became a silly way to extend an angle that’s building up a stupid Handicap Match. Sean Waltman’s “let’s go” to Sami was so real – let’s DO IT.
Should appreciate there even being two women’s matches on this show but Naomi/Lacey Evans vs. Bayley/Sasha Banks and Carmella/Dana Brooke vs. Fire & Desire were not it. Bayley and Sasha’s new “I don’t give a shit I love money hahahaha” gimmick cracks me up but it probably shouldn’t be the coolest thing on this show.
The big Tag Team Gauntlet Match was well laid out to give Otis a nice bump headed into Elimination Chamber and presumably WrestleMania vs. Dolph Ziggler. On one hand good for Heavy Machinery, on the other hand it was a pretty sleepy way to end a show.
205 LIVE (3/6/20)
Isaiah “Swerve” Scott vs. Ariya Daivari was, like most Ariya Daivari matches, bad.
Oney Lorcan & Danny Burch vs. Tony Nese & Mike Kanellis was, like most Ariya Daivari matches, bad.
Swerve leads Team NXT for next week’s 5-on-5 Elimination Match because Lio Rush is hurt. Don’t ask questions.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Tegan Nox vs. Dakota Kai in the Steel Cage from NXT
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Could’ve been Jake the Snake, but it was probably Tucker
