A commentary dream team calls this show, with Gorilla Monsoon, Lord Alfred Hayes and Mean Gene Okerlund all in the booth and probably sauced up to some degree.
1. B. Brian Blair vs. Brutus Beefcake
The amount of times I use the terms “super basic” and “serviceable” to describe mid-80s WWF matches is likely astounding. This was that though. They do some armdrag and armbar shtick before Beefcake settles into working over Blair. At this period in time Beefcake did everything right, it’s just that right sometimes wasn’t a good time. Blair fires up and hits a crossbody off the top, but that pesky momentum causes Beefcake to end up on top for 3. Eh. *1/2
2. Tama vs. Moondog Rex
Tama takes some big bumps and has good fire, but this is a very undercard match. There’s a minute-long bearhug, but there’s also a part where Tama runs blisteringly fast at Rex and ends up flying through the ropes to the floor. Probably a better GIF than match. *1/2
3. Super Machine vs. King Kong Bundy
For a company that seems so strict about their match layouts, Super Machine’s crossbody to Bundy here means this is the third match in a row with a crossbody spot. I think this was the best crossbody spot though, as the visual is pretty awesome. The Machines gimmick was so short-lived and flat (not to mention immediately derailed by Andre’s absence), but this was energetic enough before Bundy showed who’s boss in about 5 minutes with an Avalanche splash. **
4. Dynamite Kid vs. Jim Neidhart
This is a real quick match but these two have fun chemistry, Dynamite’s aggressive small guy opposite Neidhart’s aggressive brick wall. The finish is an impressive physical feat, as Neidhart ducks a dive and Dynamite lands ass-first on the second rope, then simply bounces up and lands on his feet. Neidhart of course has risen up convinced that Dynamite got all tied up in the ropes, so he’s caught off guard when he is rolled up for a 3-count. **1/2
5. Jacques Rougeau vs. Iron Sheik w/ Nikolai Volkoff
Another ultra-basic and uninspired match, but this felt even more ultra-basic and uninspired than usual. Sheik attacks before the bell, Jacques does his missed crossbody bump (another crossbody!), Sheik works an abdominal stretch, Sheik throws Jacques outside, Jacques sunset flips back in for the win. *
Live Piper’s Pit w/ Bobby Heenan and Paul Orndorff
Really the only thing worth seeking out on this show, as Rowdy Roddy Piper makes his return to Madison Square Garden, now a babyface doing an interview with Bobby the Brain and Paul Orndorff, who was first Piper’s partner opposite Hogan, then turned on Piper and Heenan for Hogan, then turned on Hogan for Heenan. It’s a little weird seeing WWF doing a pure build-up angle for the next show, with the crowd sitting there just like, “Man we’re here for the wrestling and now you’re hyping some match that isn’t happening until the next show c’mon now.”
Piper is free-wheeling as always, firing off random classic lines like “I ain’t running for President, I’m the same no-good sonofabitch I’ve always been” and brilliantly rallying the crowd behind the New York Mets, who were down in the World Series: “How ’bout them Mets? … Wait a second … Just because they’re down two games … this is your home team, have a little guts!” He bets Bobby Heenan $10,000 that the Mets take it and they DID.
Heenan also happens to be a genius, if “The Brain” nickname or decades of reputation didn’t tip you off. He gives Orndorff a big intro and is fully willing to look like a dumbass opposite Piper, just setting him up with line after line. They build up a tag match for next month, and Heenan reveals that Orndorff’s partner will be King Harley Race. Heenan then asks Piper who his partner would be, and Piper confidently pauses. In what should be a classic moment replayed again and again that for some reason isn’t, he brings WWF front row superfan Vladimir to the apron and says that he has an idea for his partner. “HULK HOGAN!” bellows Vlad.
Heenan and Orndorff flip OUT and Piper drops the mic and walks away.
6. Mike Rotundo vs. Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell
“Wrestling fans certainly enjoying this matchup,” Gorilla says somewhere in here with a mix of blatant sarcasm but also a half-hearted attempt at maintaining a seriousness and putting over the match. Unfortunately the crowd is yelling BORING at Rotundo and Brunzell throughout this whole thing as they trade headlocks and leglocks and do the dryest babyface vs. babyface trash that ends in a double countout. The type of match that put a pox on “scientific style” for years. *
7. Davey Boy Smith vs. Greg Valentine
If you want to see these two clasp hands and work some holds, this is the match. Valentine also provides a good old-fashioned deliberate boring-ass working over of Davey Boy’s leg. Davey’s desperation to get out of the figure-four later on is pretty great, but it’s followed with him looking like a total dumbass as Valentine transitions to an embarrassing rollup that Davey Boy basically has to just hold his arms back for to end the match. Line of the match: “It wouldn’t surprise me, Alfred, if The Hammer kicked the dog [Matilda]… he’s not above that.” *1/2
8. S.D. Jones vs. Moondog Spot
“It takes a little bit for Spotty to warm up, but when he does he’s very effective,” says Alfred. God bless this commentary team for providing some light in the darkness. All Mean Gene can say about S.D. is that he spent a considerable amount of time with him in Australia, which in kayfabe was two weeks time but Gorilla reveals was really just a day and a half. Hilarious. Each guy takes a hard bump into the turnbuckle, then S.D. wins it with a jumping headbutt. S.D., apparently, is on some kind of roll. To be honest, the most solid wrestling match on the card so far. **1/2
9. Haku vs. Nikolai Volkoff
What a freakin’ match this is on paper. These two usually found themselves on the WWF roster, but seeing them opposite each other seems like some kind of uncovered treasure. Volkoff sings the Russian National Anthem, which babyface Haku end by casually walking down to the ring and dropkicking him in the face. Haku is all in with the babyface act here, all fired up on offense and bumping huge on defense. There wasn’t much rest here, rare for the time, and Haku wins with a schoolboy after ducking a clothesline. Volkoff’s shoulders are blatantly up, but I’m still cherishing this five minutes of fun. **3/4
10. Raymond Rougeau vs. Bret Hart
This is the third good-but-not-quite-GOOD singles match in a row. The first 60 seconds are a blazing hot Bret performance: he poses, watches his sunglasses get stomped, charges at Rey, hits the corner, takes a back body drop, takes two armdrags, and flees the ring. Incredible. “Those are Ray Ban sunglasses!” Bret really stands out on most of these shows as one of the only guys really TRYING to be good at this, though not in a bad way – he just cares about making his stuff interesting.
The rest of the match is solid, but at 8 and a half minutes it doesn’t get bumping. Gorilla says Bret reminds him an awful lot of someone who he considers one of the greatest ring mechanics in the entire world… Bob Orton Jr. Another rollup wins here, this one done well as Bret knocks Ray to the mat with a punch and slyly gets his feet on the bottom rope for leverage. **3/4
11. $50,000 Tag Team Battle Royal
The line-up here is similar to the $50,000 Tag Team Battle Royal ran the night before in Houston: The British Bulldogs, The Machines, The Killer Bees, The Rougeau Brothers, The Islanders, Mike Rotundo & S.D. Jones, Chief Jay Strongbow & Steve Gatorwolf, King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd, Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff, The Dream Team, The Hart Foundation and The Moondogs. In a twist, Strongbow and Gatorwolf are announced as simply THE INDIANS and the crowd audibly laughs at the ridiculousness.
Also similar to the Battle Royal the night before, despite a wonderfully impressive mass of humanity there is simply just a bunch of of fumbling around until the last few teams. Spot goes out almost immediately, Bret and Dynamite go out at the same time, and it’s eventually down to The Machines, Bundy & Studd, and The Islanders. One of The Machines lifts Studd, but Bundy takes him out from behind and eliminates him, so it’s Bundy/Studd vs. The Islanders in the main event at Madison Square Garden. Bundy and Studd dish that beating until Studd holds Haku for Bundy, who charges and hits Studd, knocking him to the floor. THE ISLANDERS WIN!!! Nothing special, but the Islanders win is a nice moment. **
An interesting show – New York didn’t get Hogan but they got ALLLLLL the tag teams and a bunch of vaguely intriguing singles matches, plus a live Piper’s Pit. Nobody other than Piper really delivered, but points for trying. 3/10
