WWE is really bad lately, amplified by the fact that its’ figureheads went on TV six months ago to literally apologize for being bad and there were almost no fundamental changes made. If there were, they aren’t currently being taken advantage of or they’ve already disappeared.
But I can’t shake what a strange beast WWE is. Like, sometimes I wonder: why do I watch all this stuff? Why do I like watching some of it? Why do I like hate watching some of it? Why do I like writing about it? Should I stop? Or at least maybe minimize how much I am watching?
And then I’m watching Monday Night RAW and Ricochet jumps up and stands fully upright on Cesaro’s shoulders, does a HIGH backflip off of them that wow’s the crowd and me, and they do a Dragon Gate-esque multi-rotational tilt-a-whirl headscissors and then Ricochet sets up a dive that transitions into a picture-in-picture with a trailer for THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2. And during the preview of all the pet hijinks they weren’t able to fit into the last one, Ricochet did a big crazy insane dive onto the floor.
Like – how? How could I ever quit this? How could I ever just stop with WWE? They’re going to Saudi Arabia, you say? Yeah? They’re bad and boring at doing wrestling shows, you say? Is that what you’re going to say? But where else? Where else am I to get this combination of awe-inspiring athleticism and hilariously tone deaf marketing? WHERE???
RAW (5/20/19)
It’s time for the build/non-build to another Saudi Arabia show, so we’re in for a real generic couple of weeks that they’ll keep hammering as HUGE and IMPORTANT. All for this show planned to be “the equivalent or to exceed WrestleMania” in the ultimate example of creepy corporate-speak rhetoric.
Nikki Cross getting some love, The Usos vs. The Revival, and Roman and Miz’ adorable new friendship were the only real highlights here, outside of the all-time incredible professional wrestling moment of Alexa Bliss casually taking off her jacket to reveal wrestling gear and walking to the ring with a coffee cup in hand to stand outside the ring and not wrestle in a 6-woman tag match.
The Wild Card gimmick is still lazy but I guess it keeps fresh faces on each show…?
Paul Heyman is a shell of a shell of himself at this point and I hate saying that. He’s a natural performer, but it’s all so redundant now that you’d think Heyman of all people would try a pivot. So his opening promo with new Mr. Money in the Bank Brock Lesnar and his potential opposition, Seth Rollins and Kofi Kingston (oh and Triple H was there too) was another lackluster opening 20 minutes of RAW to throw into the pile. The line on Rollins waiting around for his girlfriend to main event WrestleMania felt like something that would’ve been cool and clever a couple years ago – today it just felt like a desperate piece of dialogue.
Sami Zayn might’ve been trying to pop the boys with louder-than-normal selling, otherwise his match with Braun Strowman was a pretty lifeless squash. Zayn is being booked as a guy on his way out but frequently put in the ring with top guys. It feels strange.
Lars Sullivan throwing around the poor Lucha House Party again was a fine fill-in-the-blanks New Monster Wrestler segment, I guess.
Cesaro‘s new intro and theme will definitely be seeing some tweaks over the next month to the opening bars but otherwise it’s real good stuff. RAW has got the furiously one-dimensional Corbin, Lashley, McIntyre, and now Brock I guess as their top heels, and with Andrade gone Cesaro might be the RAW main event heel roster’s only hope. Or they’ll just throw him in another tag team next week, I don’t know.
Spoiled rich kid is a good hook for Shane McMahon, but the amount of Shane we are getting lately is pretty annoying. You can’t just replace one Authority trope with another. You can’t! Shane vs. Roman Reigns is the perfect Saudi match, it’s some BS they’d try their damndest to sell as a big deal at a SummerSlam or Survivor Series and hurt those shows so just get it out of the way as a Jeddah Dream Match.
Was this the first The Usos vs. The Revival match? I think it was! And having it happen on TV for under 10 minutes after all this back-shaving trash is not ideal, but it was still good. I want more early match shtick from these guys so bad, though I assume the lack of it’s on WWE producers. Regardless: solid action early, big strikes and bumps, Jey yelling “come on bitch!,” a couple tremendous near falls, and a classic tights-pull finish. That’s a match.
The attempt at giving Nikki Cross something to do gave RAW what was probably its’ best segment this week, with Nikki joining Alexa Bliss’ A Moment of Bliss as her Andy Richter, then Becky Lynch joining the show and a bunch of banter leading to a 6-woman tag with Becky, Nikki and Alexa vs. The IIconics & Lacey Evans. The delivery of Cross uttering “I’ll be ya part-na” to Becky should be studied by wrestling rookies and veterans alike until the end of time. Becky’s “you just need to stand there and look pretty, The Man will do the rest” line to Alexa was brilliant too.
And Becky did what she said she would, watching Cross take heat for a bit before tagging in and kicking everybody’s ass. Stiff legdrop to finish it. Solid TV.
Mick Foley, who I enjoyed hearing call Drake Maverick “Spudster” earlier in the show, introduced a new championship title called the 24/7 Championship. And the reveal of the Dollar Store-looking title to silence and Foley trying to hard sell the possibilities of it as the crowd basically slouched and farted in unison was the most cringe-worthy thing I’ve seen on WWE TV in a while and that covers a lot of ground. Just horrifying.
The Championship Scramble to determine the first champion was, to be honest, the most frantic thing on WWE TV in a while. It felt like all those guys were really going for that belt! But it was also comprised of only guys who have been established to be lesser than for months or even years, and they all looked like goofballs desperately fighting over this championship that looks dumb. Inherent issues with establishing it as an Undercard Dorks Title aside, I’ll be optimistic about a championship that is going to give wrestlers who have nothing to do something to do. I have zero confidence that it will make for any good RAW or SmackDown TV, BUT the chance for some folks to break out with their creativity and create some smashing social media content is promising. Drake Maverick is already going all in on this thing.
There was a Firefly Fun House on this show which had a clip of a child with “LET HIM IN” written on his forehead. Is the implication that the child did it? Or Bray?
The Miz vs. Drew McIntyre was for all intents and purposes a good solid match that kept things moving and everybody entertained. Drew made a couple cool intense faces early, which is really his strong suit: intense stare-downs. I’m not sure if there’s much else, but god damnit if you want an intense stare down in your match then Drew is your GUY. The stare he gave after Miz kicked him, the stare he gave when he caught the Miz corner clothesline… just brilliant. Meanwhile, if Miz is so bad, why did he have the most interesting Drew match in months? Very solid first half, very good last half.
And Roman Reigns saving his new buddy The Miz from a Shane McMahon attack was SOOOO adorbs.
Seth Rollins & Kofi Kingston vs. Bobby Lashley & Baron Corbin in a No DQ Match was so unbelievably basic. I like Rollins and Kofi, but they often appear like midcard aces for a midcard era and not actual top guys. Putting them opposite these ultra-generic baddies didn’t make for any compelling in-ring action, and a possible RAW future that involves a Rollins vs. Lashley or Corbin program frightens me greatly.
The Brock Lesnar Money in the Bank tease at the end was obvious but OK. Brock being the boogeyman for our supposedly beloved top babyfaces isn’t bad in theory, but it’s still Lesnar as the Money in the Bank winner and I swear to you if this does not end in him wrecking Kofi to win the WWE Title only for Big E to get revenge and win the title in some big hoss match that Brock actually tries in then I will be VERY agitated.
SMACKDOWN (5/21/19)
“Let me smell you.” Big E is back and The New Day has got all kinds of guys gunning for them – Owens, Zayn, Brock, probably Bryan, and now… DOLPH ZIGGLER?
This was a solid show, but not great. The Wild Card rule is bringing fresh faces into scenarios where they are needed, but it also means that some of RAW’s perpetual stink is contaminating SmackDown and that’s not good. Sami Zayn coming out to back up Kevin Owens against The New Day and challenge Kofi Kingston… fine. Fine. But did dude not just get thrown in a dumpster two weeks ago and squashed in 90 seconds a day ago? And now he’s gonna trade wristlocks with the WWE Champion?
Ali vs. Andrade was fun TV. I set myself up for disappointment that these guys would have one of those fine matches where they’re impressive but the best I can say is that it was a solid example of what they usually do. Because they are awesome though these two added in all kinds of unique stuff in the 8 minutes they had, like Ali leaping for a crossbody into an Andrade dropkick and Ali doing a tope suicida into Andrade’s BACK. The way Andrade took Ali’s tornado DDT was visual poetry too.
Carmella w/ 24/7 Champ R-Truth (wearing a wig to hide) vs. Mandy Rose w/ Sonya Deville was a short dumb device to get to the 24/7 Title gimmick, and my question for all the record-keepers out there: are these 24/7 things actual matches? Or are they just angles being shot? I mean Cagematch.de has got the Championship Scramble on RAW listed as a match, but that’s it. Do R-Truth vs. Robert Roode outside a car or Matt Hardy slowly trailing behind the SmackDown undercard roster chasing a wig-wearing R-Truth not count as proper title defenses? Somebody’s going to have to make a call here.
It might be too soon to sell, but SAMI ZAYN of all people looking back at everyone chasing R-Truth like they’re a bunch of goofs MIGHT have been the 24/7 Title gimmick jumping the shark. Maybe. I wanna see the social media and WWE dot com bits.
The setup for the Trouble in Paradise was awesome, otherwise Zayn vs. Kofi Kingston was another solid inoffensive Top Guy Kofi match.
And then Dolph Ziggler came back. And when he missed WrestleMania and had no injury I knew of, I really wasn’t sure if he was coming back. I thought the same thing when he dropped the U.S. Title. But he came back then. And he’s come back now. And him beating the piss out of Kofi leading to a LOOONG stretcher job was not a bad return. But he’s just… Ziggler.
I mean everything here makes sense. They needed a match for Saudi Arabia and Bryan and Owens aren’t going. Ziggler was pushed pretty hard last year and had been gone long just enough to make an impactful return to setup a title match. Guys who feuded for the IC Title wrestling for the WWE Title is a lovely WWE story I wish was told more often. And there’s the obvious built-in story of Ziggler having a similar long company man run like Kofi but not having goodwill from the fans or winning the WWE Title at WrestleMania.
But he’s just… Ziggler.
His promo later on where he almost shed tears as he explained himself and eventually bitterly screamed, “Each one of you will admire me… and RESPECT ME… and LOVE ME!” wasn’t bad it either. It might’ve even been good. But…
Elias serenading Roman Reigns from atop a production truck was a nice 20 seconds within this 2-hour show.
Becky Lynch & Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair & Lacey Evans was a solid formula tag. Lacey gave Bayley a noogie while she was working a chinlock, so that’s good. Very into Bayley getting this push too… it really sucked seeing her have a near complete lack of confidence almost every time she showed up over the last year or so, so her on a new show with a championship and a fire under her ass will be neat to watch unfold.
Reigns vs. Elias was a fine short Reigns enhancement match in which Elias got to do his spinning powerbomb thing, and when he does that you KNOW he’s working the main event. Elias threw a nice knee that Roman responded with a Superman punch that I can’t tell you was good or not, because the camera did not show Roman’s fist as he delivered it.
Drew McIntyre as a Shane lackey is maybe a good move, if it’s even an actual plan and not a quick desperate booking call.
Right now the arc of WWE is basically the McMahon Family ceded the control of their product to the FANS, but then they just kept showing up to fuck with everybody. And now Vince McMahon has been Superman punched by Roman Reigns, Nice Guy Triple H randomly shows up and cracks jokes, Stephanie McMahon occasionally condescendingly welcomes everyone to RAW, and Shane of all people has filled the vacuum as The Authority, so all the bad guys want to hang out with him and beat up Roman and Miz. And also other stuff but yeah that’s a big one.
205 LIVE (5/21/19)
I’ve got a real issue with WWE producing a hourly weekly show that is centered around who is going to challenge Tony Nese next.
Lucha House Party got wrecked by Lars on RAW, so The Singh Brothers showed up and cut a promo to silence and tried to win their scheduled tag by forfeit. But Drake Maverick interrupted and said he had suitable replacements, and after a brief moment of excited tension, Jack Gallagher emerged followed by Humberto Carrillo. Aiden English‘s trying SO hard to sound genuinely excited for Humberto’s entrance over a completely silent crowd might be a top 10 moment of 205 Live this year. It was an okayish but completely dead on arrival tag.
Akira Tozawa vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Oney Lorcan vs. Ariya Daivari vs. Mike Kanellis sure was another 205 Live Fatal 5-Way Match. There was the expected bunch of neat stuff here and there but not much to help it stand out from all the other Fatal 4-Way and 5-Way matches 205 Live loves to run. The sad thing is these things should work – just let a buncha crazy cruiserweights run wild. But somehow even these matches – and I recognize none of these guys are really what a classic cruiserweight used to be – mostly feel like stilted formula TV matches. Kanellis and Oney trading some uncomfortably hard chops was the only real compelling part. Tozawa also stood out to me as the best guy in the match so that he won it was swell.
NXT UK 44 (5/22/19)
Not a great show but 25% of it was Pete Dunne vs. WALTER for the WWE U.K. Title and that’s a hell of a card to play.
Man, I’d flip out on my boss too if Joseph Conners got to qualify for a shot at the WWE U.K. Title ahead of me too! You go get yours Kassius.
Conners vs. Travis Banks was a match of two guys I’m sure I’d trust with my life in the ring but as guy on couch I ain’t wanna watch em wrestle. They worked their WWE house style match, a little better than normal as they had more time to play with but still a basic forgettable match.
The Mark Andrews vs. Noam Dar rematch of the match where they both got stretchered out ended with Dar faking an injury and stealing the win, which I thought was cute. Otherwise it was 5 minutes of stuff.
Rhea Ripley did an OK but misplaced promo on Piper Niven. The deal with NXT UK now is that I’m not sure when they have the next TakeOver planned, so any match that might be a TakeOver match is on what feels like a very slow crawl.
WALTER vs. Pete Dunne for the WWE U.K. Title was missing the Big Fight Feel of the TakeOver: Blackpool match, but it was still a hell of a match between two guys we should get used to reminding us maybe every couple months or so that they are among the best in the world. The early wrestling was just good wrestling – tight holds, counter after counter, the occasional tease of a terrifying WALTER chop. I liked how they played with Dunne’s momentum early too. Dunne got the better of WALTER on the first exchange by attacking his leg… only to get chopped straight to hell. WALTER chopped a post by mistake and obviously with a hurting hand in view Pete Dunne began to do what he does… until WALTER booted his ass in the face.
I watch these two and don’t feel fooled or amused. I also don’t feel bored, which is pretty important. I respect what’s going on even if it’s just as pre-planned and fake or whatever stupid term as anything else. In this case, it doesn’t matter. It’s just cool legit professional wrestling that the two guys in the ring take seriously.
Dunne came in so hot to WWE as a heel with like five of the best matches of all the time, but his babyface run has been a revelation – what felt too early has proved dividends, as the guy has the fire of all fires and wrestling fans love him. I’m not sure that translates to the main roster as it exists today, but it’s awesome to watch here. Him working over WALTER somehow doesn’t feel silly either… this is a half-foot and nearly 100-pound weight difference and Pete Dunne’s got WALTER down on the mat bending his hand and I’m like “WALTER might not pull through.” Dunne trying to lift WALTER into a Bitter End and WALTER just clotheslining the shit out of him was awesome too.
I should’ve watched WALTER prior to WWE. Probably will at some point. Could be interesting to compare. After six months in NXT UK, he’s still got a presence and credibility and amazing chops and does impressive rope-running for a big man and all that good stuff, but he also tries some cute stuff here and there, like taking a crucifix bomb, to put smiles on people’s faces. Did he always do this? I don’t know. Can it take away from the act? It might.
That’s a tiny gripe for an otherwise great match. They started building towards a finish before NXT UK went all NJPW on our asses and had a Marcel Barthel and Fabian Aichner run-in that led to WALTER retaining his championship.
WALTER, Barthel, Aichner. I like it. It’s like Gallus but on another plane of existence.
NXT (5/22/19)
“You definitely didn’t shock the school system, that’s for darn sure!” – 2019 babyface Johnny Gargano. This was a show that opened with Gargano and Adam Cole trading insults which is just the WOOOORST. Go get it done in the ring, but leave me out of the back-and-forth. What’re ya doing, Paul? Matt Riddle attacked the Undisputed Era boys and Gargano/Riddle is an OK lead babyface duo but can we start heating up Keith Lee or something? Maybe Oney Lorcan? Looking at the NXT roster I have no idea who else could be in this spot, outside of a sudden Babatunde introduction push or a pivot to Candice LeRae as the face of the brand. How does WWE employ half the wrestling industry and have a shortage of options at the top of the card?
Mansoor vs. Sean Maluta was the kind of old school NXT developmental stuff I can get behind. I’m not sure if they’re doing anything with Mansoor or not, but he’s a versatile dude who if presented well seems kind of likable. He takes big bumps, can fly because he’s lean but tall enough to look credible with a heavyweight, and makes very expressive faces… it’s very Ali.
The Velveteen Dream/Tyler Breeze confrontation was a very fun promo, though another example of NXT somehow having few options for big matches, bringing back Breeze for the NA Title TakeOver match. I’m into it though, not sure if he’s back permanently a Breezy that comes across as a big deal results in good pro wrestling. I loved how casually great and confident he was on the mic trading insults with confirmed superstar Velveteen Dream.
Reina Gonzalez was just straight-up shown multiple Stan Hansen tapes and told to do it just like that except not in the crowd and I feel like I have to support it. She’s been making cameos for a few years and I can’t say I’ve seen much improvement, but seeing her tower over Candice I get the appeal – if she can put it together, an imposing intense lady is primary part of a wrestling roster. And Candice was very good at selling for her for a few minutes.
Io Shirai demolishing Shayna Baszler and The Horsewomen with a kendo stick post-match while wearing a leather jacket and Lucha mask t-shirt was incredible content. Amazing.
Bobby Fish & Kyle O’Reilly vs. Matt Riddle & Johnn Gargano was a good match but while I’m sure Bob Fish is a great dude (and I love his shit talk) but imagining Strong in his position in every single ReDragon match I see now is always a disappointing exercise. Riddle kicking and throwing people was good though. Riddle just in general brought the fire that took what was generally a pretty standard exciting tag team main event to another level.
MAIN EVENT (5/22/19)
Natalya vs. Tamina featured a nice spinning clothesline into superkick spot, otherwise no.
Cedric Alexander vs. EC3 was fine and they managed a couple decent near falls at the end but something just felt off. EC3 comes off like the most disappointed dude every time he’s working these Main Event matches, like he can’t even be motivated to put any effort or life into his stuff.
WWE TV Match of the Week: WALTER vs. Pete Dunne for the WWE U.K. Title from NXT UK – not as good as TakeOver: Blackpool, but top notch stuff.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: It wasn’t Dolph Ziggler, was it? No, it was Ricochet. Ricochet has everyone’s best matches now.
Respect to the boys in the back, but ehhhhhhhhhhhh.
RAW: 3/10
SmackDown: 4/10
205 Live: 3/10
NXT UK: 5/10
NXT: 5/10
