Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes are on commentary for the WWF’s September trip to Boston. Other members of the roster were in Australia, where an incredibly dire card of enhancement guys was highlighted by Tonga Kid vs. Tiger Chung Lee, Hillbilly Jim vs. Greg Valentine, and Junkyard Dog vs. Brutus Beefcake. God DAMN.
1. Sivi Afi vs. Pete Doherty
There’s not much to this match outside of an epic ass bump in the corner by Duke where he lands on his head. It’s brought up on commentary that Sivi now wants to be known as his “Island name” – Tama – and has made an alliance with his former friend, King Tonga, who is now going by the name Haku. Alfred also just casually says that Pacific Islanders wrestle from age 1 and 2 and that’s why there’s so many good ones, which is I guess a decent way of talking up The Islanders tag team about to be put together. *
2. Mike Rotundo & Dan Spivey vs. The Hart Foundation
If you want to see Bret Hart botch a leapfrog, this is your match. Otherwise it’s just a decent tag, overstaying its welcome a bit too much when it goes to a 20-minute time limit draw. There are a few great little moments scattered around Neidhart locking on an endless front facelock: Neidhart reacting to Dan Spivey shoulderblocks, Bret going FLYING when Neidhart is thrown into him, and what seemed like an extra stiff bulldog by Spivey. The tease to Rotundo tagging out was long, but might’ve been worth it. Crowd dug it. ***
3. WWF Intercontinental Title: Macho Man Randy Savage [c] w/ Elizabeth vs. George “The Animal” Steele
Wrestling is a lot of things to lots of types of people. I can’t tell you this is a “good” match, but after it’s over George brings a kid into the ring and this little dude is ready – he desperately tries to tear open the turnbuckle and can’t do it, so George does it for him. The kid saves face by flexing, then jumps around the ring soaking up his Boston Garden Moment. As for the match? It’s a fantastic bunch of BS, from Savage reacting to George to Savage using a foreign object to Savage crawling under the ring to a big blatant cleavage shot of Elizabeth. Savage flies and flops all over to meet the action quota, while Steele mostly reacts to stuff. Steele is DQ’d for using a chair and Savage storms off with Liz, then runs back out and attacks Steele, then runs off again. ***
4. Pedro Morales vs. Rene Goulet
Rene Goulet does a couple cool pieces of shtick but otherwise this isn’t worth it. Sorry Mr. Morales, sometimes your mid-80s self works and sometimes it really, really doesn’t. I was more impressed with Alfred being asked by Gorilla about the shape Goulet’s in, and Alfred completely on-the-spot going into a spiel about Goulet dropping 25 pounds to stay agile and keep up with today’s wrestlers. *
5. The Machines (Super Machine & Big Machine) vs. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd w/ Bobby Heenan”
Here’s The Machines, coming out to weird WWE Network overdub mysterious stock music, with no Giant Machine AKA Andre the Giant AKA the only reason anybody would want to see A Machine in the first place. This is not good – it’s got some big dudes running into each other, but it also has the Super and Big Machine dropping Bundy on a double team really early on, and Big Machine (Blackjack Mulligan a year from retirement) just in general looking terrible. Heenan jumps in for the DQ, then challenges The Machines to bring another Machine with them to face him next time. Shit. *1/2
It ended up being Piper Machine. And when they did the same thing at MSG, Hulk Machine. It was exciting.
6. Corporal Kirchner vs. Harley Race
The King of Professional Wrestling, Handsome Harley Race is a HELL of a name. Race had recently won the King of the Ring and comes out with full robe and crown and Jerry Lawler theme music. This is kind of a crap match but funny to see Race get way too much time with Corporal Kirchner. Race’s timing in 1980s WWF, especially facing Kirchner of all people, is a sight to see. He shoots Corp into the ropes, hiptosses him, cockily hits the ropes, and gets caught with a back body drop. It’s one step slower but more satisfying. He also bumps outside ass first and ends up with his toes hanging on the bottom rope. A slow, sloppy, but weirdly compelling top rope crossbody counter wins it for the King. “The king only plays with peasants for so long,” he growls post-match. *3/4
7. Cousin Luke vs. Cowboy Bob Orton
I had no idea of pink cowboy hat Cowboy Bob Orton. Cousin Luke is full-on babyface, clapping hands with everybody as banjo music strums along. Then his dumbass runs into a boot and gets rolled up. DUD
8. WWF World Tag Team Title: The British Bulldogs [c] vs. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff w/ Slick
The switch from Freddie Blassie to Slick as the manager for Sheik and Volkoff is jarring. The crowd litters the ring with trash for Volkoff’s National Anthem bit and it is a wonderful bit of easy racism. The British Bulldogs meanwhile somehow look more jacked than usual. This is a serviceable main event, real basic stuff but it’s also prime time British Bulldogs who were excellent. The way they string stuff together and work over Sheik is great, and there are some pretty incredible rope-running sequences that made Sheik and Volkoff look like a couple of cruiserweights. This match also has a REVENGE BEARHUG SPOT, as after seeing Dynamite suffer through one from Nikolai, Davey caps off his hot tag with a bearhug of his own. A small package gets reversed a couple times through some tag team shenanigans before the Bulldogs get the win. ***1/4
No, this is not very good. The Hart Foundation, British Bulldogs, and Macho Man Randy Savage were pretty awesome though. 4/10
