WOOOOOOO BOY THIS WAS A LONG ONE
Most of all, I appreciated that everything was pretty straightforward this year – wrestlers just wrestled, and the backstage promos or big angles were kept to a minimum. Most of the finishes provided maximum fun, delivering the feel-good or interesting finish you hope for but don’t always get at Mania. The random announcer cameos added some freshness too.
Kofi and Becky and Rollins’ moments, the Cesaro Swing, Kofi’s Kid, The IIconics and Hawkins winning, The Doctor of Thuganomics, Angle’s farewell, Daniel Bryan in general, Joe wrecking Rey, the Hall and Nash cameo, and Demon Balor vs. Lashley were all highlights. McIntyre vs. Roman, Batista vs. HHH, and almost Orton vs. AJ were bummers. They probably could’ve gone from the Kofimania match to Balor/Lashley and I think you’ve got a much more well-received show. Regardless, it is still pretty incredible that they can keep things relatively consistent after 7 and a half hours. But yeah, yeah 7 and a half hours.
Hey! The Kickoff Show wasn’t bad for once. I didn’t feel the usual sense of impending dread as the first half hour hit with nothing happening but Renee Young bantering with Peter Rosenberg about whether whats-his-face had ever faced a challenge as imposing as who’s-his-face after a video package and plug for the WWE Network along with JBL getting in some one-liner because he’s way too comfortable in the setting.
There were also no video packages anyone who’s watching the Kickoff Show hasn’t seen ten times already. And not really any backstage stuff at all, outside of one Big E and Xavier Woods promo that had them hilariously screaming their way off frame. No awkward hashtag Q&A either. The alternating panel guests, like Edge & Christian and the – let’s just say it – VENERABLE David Otunga, kept a very tired format fresh.
0. WWE Cruiserweight Title: Buddy Murphy [c] vs. Tony Nese
The Kickoff opener is a tough spot but the folks seemed to get into the arena in a timely fashion and God bless these 205 Live boys – as seems to happen almost every time, they started things off suspect and won everybody over in the end. It occurred to me in this match that I don’t think I have ever seen Nese screw up a move – this man truly is the Premier Athlete. The crispness of that springboard backflip with Buddy on the ropes was otherworldly. Buddy meanwhile remains a freak, the strength and agility it takes to pull off pretty much anything he does is underrated because he makes it all look so easy. I’m not a fan of Tony Nese but I’m happy for him. Great start to the show. ***3/4
0. WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal
A rough day at the office, to be honest. It had the usual Battle Royal fumbling around that felt a little more fumbly than usual. Candice LeRae and Nikki Cross being eliminated together so early was such a buzzkill, conjuring simultaneously utterances of “that sucks” and “that’s lame” from the audience I shared this event with. Ember Moon and Kairi Sane looked good in a few spots, and Dana Brooke inexplicably having a run was kind of cool. Sarah Logan, Sonya Deville, and Asuka made for a heck of a final 3 too, and I popped huge for the Logan win tease before CARMELLA snuck in and got her moment. You ALWAYS bet on Carmella, man. Not great, but occasionally entertaining sport. **
0. RAW Tag Team Title: The Revival [c] vs. Zack Ryder & Curt Hawkins
An ultra basic tag, one that didn’t get super over but I also weirdly appreciated. A straight-up long heel beatdown on the WrestleMania Kickoff was a nice throwback to something I’m not sure ever even existed. Every match on the Kickoff was 10 minutes, and then here was this sucker that went nearly 15. And it was so beautifully perfectly fine. Ryder and Dash’s suplex over the top and Hawkins shouting out Uncle Edge with a spear were highlights, as was the early feel good finish on a show filled with them. HAWKINS!!! **1/2
0. Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
No WWE mention on SNL was a real bummer, as was this match. They’re never as fun as they could be. The never-ending Hardy Boyz theme playing through the panel talk was the awkwardness you only get at a WrestleMania and honestly the highlight of whatever this was. Let us tribute those who we lost right away: Axel, Lince, Tyler, Shelton, Bo, and EC3. The Braun/Harper staredown was cool before it wasn’t. Harper basically giving Ali a brainbuster to the floor was insane. Andrade got in a couple cool spots. In the end, I did appreciate them having Braun just straight-up win by eliminating Colin Jost. I’m not used to WWE running with an actual payoff to something. *3/4
The helicopter intro was weird.
As is Hulk Hogan.
Anyways – WRESTLEMANIA:
1. WWE Universal Title: Brock Lesnar [c] vs. Seth Rollins
They finally figured it out – just get the Brock deal out of the way! Think about all the matches of year’s past – Mania 31 excluded – that would’ve been enhanced if they just opened the show. Between Seth’s sword and Brock’s dick tattoo, I could not get over the overt phallic imagery that permeated this match, as if they were telling us this old boy’s network is DONE FOR and a Women’s Revolution – nay, Evolution – has put everything in its’ rightful spot. And I’m positive this was the rightful spot for this because it ruled. Astounding “BURN IT DOWN” scream, heated brawling, Seth getting wrecked, a ref bump, a low blow from Seth, superkick, three curb stomps, and a straight-up quick win for the good guy. Obviously the first few minutes pre-bell added to it, but a GOAT 150-second match. The return of the championship belt swing was awesome too. I love it when wrestling just gets to the point. ***1/2
2. AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton
I’ll freely admit I’d probably flip out for this match if it main evented a SmackDown but it just wasn’t the sleeper show stealer it felt like it might’ve been and ultimately was just a forgettable disappointment. Chris Jericho mentioned on his podcast thinking this wouldn’t get enough time to develop, but it got 16 minutes and honestly that felt too long. Both these guys are long-time pros and fired off some great stuff here and there, but whatever they were going for as far as stretching for time and building to something didn’t quite click. The crowd distracted by lights didn’t help either. ***1/4
3. Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match – SmackDown Tag Team Title: The Usos [c] vs. Aleister Black & Ricochet vs. The Bar vs. Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev w/ Lana
God, Aleister Black looked like the most intriguing incredible bonafide superstar on his entrance – my absolute WORD. This was a bunch of freaks doing freaky stuff for 10 minutes. They packed in a lot – Ricochet and Cesaro doing the endless tilt-a-whirl was magical, as was the endless Cesaro Swing as Sheamus gave the Ten Beats to anybody who tried to get in the ring. Even Nakamura was moving fast and taking bumps. And they had the Tower of Doom of all Tower of Dooms. And a trainwreck “everyone hits their finish” spot for the ages. And an amazing 630 splash by Ricochet on Sheamus. Black and Ricochet owned here. ***1/2
WWE Hall of Fame 2019
They actually did the Hall of Fame Right this year, keeping everything tight on timing and providing a lot of legit feel good moments and one insane one. Loved Honky Tonk Man in the gear, Jimmy Hart being Jimmy Hart, STACY KEIBLER, Torrie Wilson thanking Kidman, Torrie’s puberty line and the Thank You Torrie chant, and the Miz/Shane yay/boo off. And then some jackass legitimately tackled Bret Hart, which was scary. The shot of the crowd for a minute was uncomfortable, as The Hitman could’ve been lying in the ring with a knife in his belly or something. But no, this professional got back on track and gave the most earnest, precious speech on the best friend he ever had, Jim Neidhart. Hogan and Brutus and Sue Atchinson and DX were all kinda blah blah blah though, outside of Triple H going in on AEW. Either way, big ups to whoever was timing this how. Sonofabitch – it was probably Kidman!
4. Falls Count Anywhere: The Miz vs. Shane McMahon
As wonderful and stupid and insane as it needed to be. Maybe could’ve used more insanity. But we had bad punches, The Miz’ dad getting beat up, Miz pulling off a credible asskicking, and some wacky times in the crowd before what was truly an incredible superplex spot off a scaffold. Added the variety it needed to. Miz and Shane aren’t Misawa and Kawada, but they will add some fun stuff to your show. ***3/4
5. Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match – WWE Women’s Tag Team Title: Sasha Banks & Bayley [c] vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya vs. Nia Jax & Tamina vs. The IIconics
A disappointment, feeling too long at only 10 minutes in front of an extra quiet crowd. Just a loose collection of spots that didn’t get really over, leading up to Bayley basically setting herself up to be Glam Slammed off the top rope by Bet. Despite it all, The IIconics getting their moment was very nice. **
6. WWE Title: Daniel Bryan [c] w/ Erick Rowan vs. Kofi Kingston w/ Big E and Xavier Woods
Setup, delivery. Kind of a masterpiece.
This is the kind of match a dude like Bryan lives for, opposite a red hot babyface the crowd is all in on. He carried himself with such a douchey confidence as he worked over Kofi for the first half, highlighted by that evil smile as he setup the YES chant spot the crowd once did with him on a weekly basis. Bryan being on the BOO side as he traded punches with Kofi Kingston and his YAY’s was special stuff. The finish was so, so good too – lots of punching and fighting out of stuff and desperation, the YesLock always seeming like a possible finish but Kofi always finding a way to escape. There was Bryan doing the face stomps and Kofi getting payback with his own, the incredible Knee+ near fall, E and Woods’ epic Midnight Hour on Rowan, and the HUGE Trouble in Paradise to create what WWE is always saying they create: a moment.
Xavier’s tears. Kofi’s kid.
It was 20+ minutes of a classic varied beatdown, well-placed cut-offs, and the absolute shittiest eating grins you’ll ever see, capped off by a comeback and finish as epic and satisfying as promised.
America is divided, but not here. Nothing better. *****
HALL AND NASH!
7. WWE U.S. Title: Samoa Joe [c] vs. Rey Mysterio
They did some cool sequences for a minute and then it was over. Congratulations.
8. Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre
Biggest disappointment of the night for me. The physicality here and there was cool but they didn’t go all in on it, and the crowd was so quiet I thought Jay White won the IWGP Heavyweight Title again. Mania crowds inherently just don’t want Roman matches to work, and it sure didn’t help that not much of note really even happened. Drew as Top Guy always feels better in theory than actuality, because this should’ve been a home run. Maybe it would’ve been in a different environment. Not here. **1/4
Elias’ interruption being WWE nostalgia act THE DOCTOR OF THUGANOMICS, JOHN CENA was a very fun time. WWE doesn’t stand for Walk with Elias, it stands for Wasted Wrestling Experiment owwwww.
9. No Holds Barred – If Triple H Loses, He Retires: Triple H vs. Batista
Batista’ Secret Service entrance was great. The trip not so much. Tripe H’s over-the-top Mad Max entrance made me feel comfortable.
The match? Trash. Something out of 2006 that would’ve been just pretty good then and is actively bad now. The nose ring spot reeked of desperation. Toolbox, tables, big steel step bumps – why? You assholes are 50. You cannot use your fucking big ass awesome mannerisms and apparently legendary charisma to have a good match? You have to use tricks? Ric Flair?? And for 25 MINUTES? What is the matter with you? Stop it. Re-evaluate everything. *3/4
10. Kurt Angle Farewell Match: Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin
This wasn’t the Kurt Angle Farewell Match anybody wanted, but there’s something I liked about Angle having a low-key match where he straight-up put over a guy from the next generation. It should be done like that a lot more often, so all hail Kurt Angle. It was a fine 5-minute match, with Angle taking a few last bumps before a missed moonsault and End of Days. So straightforward. Respect. **
11. WWE Intercontinental Title: Bobby Lashley [c] w/ Lio Rush vs. Demon Balor
This was way better than it really even needed to be, an all-action 5-minute sprint as opposed to a straight-up squash. Balor was bumping huge and Lashley brought the WrestleMania hype by doing Big E’s spear tope to the floor thing. Demon Balor powerbombing Lashley was really cool too. ***1/4
12. Winner Takes All Triple Threat Match – RAW Women’s Title & SmackDown Women’s Title: Ronda Rousey [c] vs. Charlotte Flair [c] vs. Becky Lynch
Atmosphere.
Charlotte arriving in a helicopter.
Ronda arriving to live music and doing her badass walk.
BECKY. THE MAN.
This was for better or worse a WWE Main Event match, though it was certainly a little more looser and stiffer and I dug that. They were taking suplexes on the floor like a minute in so it felt a little rushed and the crowd wasn’t biting on everything, but Triple H has had plenty of these deals so maybe this truly is just cementing these three as WWE Legends. It’s about the moments, baby: “YOU CHOP LIKE A BITCH” was incredible stuff, as was Ronda throwing the table down. The Becky/Ronda showdown was great stuff too. And they all bumped, they bumped, god damn did they bump. The crucifix finish was an awkward thing tacked onto a match that could’ve used a really cool finish, but regardless this was a victory for The People, and congrats to The Man. ***1/2
It was long and bloated and the HHH match sucked, but a hell of a show that stayed shockingly consistent for a near EIGHT HOUR runtime. 8/10
