Vince McMahon puts unnecessary obstacles in Kofi Kingston’s way, then gets credit when he says they’ve been removed.
Betsy DeVos proposes removing funding from the Special Olympics, then her boss gets credit when he says he stopped it.
Two parallel stories brought to you by Bullshit Mountain.
In between, The Usos forfeited their match to help out Kofi, while the people (including the BIG SHOW) told Betsy, in no uncertain terms – NO.
Sometimes the folks do have the power. But it’s also always the asshole in power making the ultimate call and getting the ultimate benefit.
Damn.
What a cynical open.
RAW (3/25/19)
This show kinda sucked.
Was there anything actually good? Aleister Black & Ricochet remain completely ridiculous in the best possible way and had a fun match with The Revival that was highlighted by a DOUBLE Black Mass. Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe happening one last time and for once on WWE TV was a trip to watch, even if it had a few scary spots because papa Kurt isn’t all there. Sasha Banks vs. Natalya was a solid match with a cool Bank Statement counter of that step-over spot Natalya does.
Otherwise… eh. We always end up here. The WrestleMania card pieces have fallen into place and only a couple feuds are able to sustain momentum. The rest just kind of do segments that feel like they’re picked from a hat.
Ronda Rousey as a heel is good. Becky Lynch‘s “ya weirdo” line is good. But the Beat the Clock Challenge with The Riott Squad for momentum or some bullshit was bad, rushed wrestling. Charlotte Flair in particular looked, at various points, like she did not know how to wrestle.
Finn Balor vs. Bobby Lashley & Jinder Mahal was an inoffensive 2-minute sprint, outside of an all-time bad Sling Blade. Don’t You Ever Run Your Mouth About My Wife and Kids Roman Reigns is not all that great, opposite Drew McIntyre who’s probably just gonna be that guy that’s always in the mix, and then one day people will be like, “Alright – he’s good.” The Randy Orton for a new generation.
Colin Jost and Michael Che showed up on the Titan Tron for a very awkwardly timed back-and-forth with Braun Strowman. Elias played some songs around New York City and it was shockingly bad TV. Seth Rollins and Paul Heyman blah blah blah. Leather Jacket Triple H blah blah blah.
Drew McIntyre vs. Dean Ambrose Last Man Standing was fun-ish and another effective squash for Drew, but this show stunk.
SMACKDOWN (3/26/19)
Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle for 90 seconds, and two of the best matches I’ve seen all year – welcome to the A show.
Now, one plot hole I think might have been worth solving is why Daniel Bryan, in the midst of all this Kofi Kingston stuff, wouldn’t want to wrestle a match at WrestleMania.
REGARDLESS – Big E and Xavier Woods having to survive a Tag Team Gauntlet Match to get their buddy Kofi into the WWE Title match at WrestleMania – that’s good storytelling. But more on that later.
The Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka setup was real odd, but I’m not a fair judge of it – at some point when you watch WWE again and again and again, you stop questioning what could have been and just roll with the madness. I don’t know why they did this all 2 weeks before WrestleMania. Maybe it’s brilliant, maybe it’s terrible, maybe it’s just not exciting and yet another unexciting twist in this Becky/Charlotte/Ronda thing.
REGARDLESS – hell of a match. That’s expected when these two get a random 20 minutes to wrestle. Charlotte in the quick RAW match was bad, but with time to breathe she is capable of excellence. Asuka meanwhile might be the best wrestler on the whole god damn planet. There were a couple awkward spots – Charlotte not all there for Asuka’s knee spot, the moonsault sleeper counter being nowhere near as smooth as Mania – but otherwise this was a great match that had a credibility missing from 99% of pro wrestling. Tremendous counters at the end too, and I loved how after Charlotte’s Spanish Fly, Asuka looked completely wrecked but was still desperately fighting to try and keep her title. Which she lost.
Also, did Charlotte break the fourth wall with that wink to the camera before the Asuka match?
After the Joe match, Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles being 90 seconds of finishing move counters before a Randy Orton RKO might’ve been the best case scenario. I’m just glad the bell rang.
A Falls Count Anywhere match at WrestleMania adds some variety and I approve. The promo to set it up was I THINK awesome. Shane McMahon interrupted a Miz promo flanked by not just local independent professional wrestlers dressed as security guards but MIA SmackDown acts SAnitY, Primo and Shelton Benjamin. Like, how many matches has Primo wrestled in the last three years? Six? (OK, I checked – it’s over 50. But very possibly less than six on TV). The craziness continued with THE MIZ of all people kicking everybody’s ass, a slightly awkward circumstance made much better by Shane standing on the entrance ramp, a scowl on his face, just about to enter gorilla but also wanting to confirm that Miz did indeed just kick everybody’s ass.
I loved the Tag Team Gauntlet Match with The New Day. Obviously the big story is Kofi Kingston finally getting the green light to challenge for the WWE Title at WrestleMania, and it’s been an amazing story. And not like 2019 hyperbole amazing, I mean actually legitimately amazing defined.
But the match was kind of amazing too. Five teams challenged Big E and Xavier Woods, and each match was unique – vs. Gallows & Anderson was a good squash, Nakamura & Rusev was a legitimately great tag with a beginning middle and end, The Bar was based around an incredible hot tag followed by a post-match beatdown that sent our heroes to a momentary abyss, The Usos which wasn’t a match but a great wrestling moment, and finally Daniel Bryan & Rowan which was a wild brawl (plus Bryan wrenching E’s leg back really far) with a countout finish that saw the entire crowd counting along and practically horraying (is that a word) at 10. Plus E very much looked like The Guy as he set Bryan up for the Big Ending.
The Usos thing was so awesome, a non-wrestling thing that added so much to the wrestling match. They came out all game for another round with New Day, then had a slow realization that E was legitimately hurt and said F it, Kofi deserves Mania – “Good luck, Uce, cause we forfeit.” Woods was great here, hovering over and guarding E and looking at them with a mix of “Don’t you see!?” and “I’ll fight you assholes.”
More and more babyfaces progressively gathering around the TV set backstage was a nice bit too. If you didn’t find joy in this whole thing we can’t be friends.
205 LIVE (3/26/19)
Lucha House Party is like if the initial version of The New Day never turned heel.
This week, they teamed against Drew Gulak, Jack Gallagher & Humberto Carrillo in a 6-man that read like an exhibition dark match, plus the hamfisted Gulak/Carrillo story.
This week, Tony Nese attacked Buddy Murphy at the Performance Center. Wow. That makes me very excited for their wrestling match at WrestleMania.
This week, Cedric Alexander and A Guy I Am Legit Forgetting Right Now Ohhh Yeah Ariya Daivari had a stupid solid match. Oney Lorcan being around now is promising. I guess.
NXT UK 36 (3/27/19)
I mean Dunne/WALTER will be good but this is a show all about that slow, slow progress. It’s like character development if character development meant 25% of what character development actually should be.
Jordan Devlin is so confident with that backflip he does. And he dropped poor Dan Moloney with an incredible backdrop suplex at the end of their match. Not bad.
I think they dropped Bomber from Dave Mastiff‘s name. For the best.
Xia Brookside vs. Rhea Ripley was a fine match with some real character. What these two are doing age 20 and 22 is wild.
It would appear Trent Seven is pursuing singles action.
Noam Dar and Mark Andrews had a good 205 Live main event, and by that I mean a pretty quality match that gets claps more than legitimate emotional investment but it’s also focused and has a thread and is decent but I just don’t care about anybody. The double stretcher job finish came off… odd. Did someone really get hurt?
The Pete Dunne/WALTER contract signing was very 101 stuff and WALTER probably shouldn’t talk a whole lot but the match will be real.
NXT (3/27/19)
There was some good stuff here, but it also felt like a show suffering from the limping to Mania curse.
The Adam Cole/Johnny Gargano back-and-forth was kind of awful, with a lot of exposition that came off as an argument between freshmen. Imagine watching this and not having kept up with NXT every week. Embarrassing.
Vanessa Borne & Aliyah are trying a thing again. They wrestled Kacy Catanzaro & Lacey Lane in a match that was quickly interrupted by Shayna Baszler and crew. Kacy valiantly fighting back against Shayna before being choked out was kinda great.
Matt Riddle vs. the returning Kona Reeves is one of those matches that isn’t some Super J Cup Semi Final or even Super J Cup Round 1 but let me tell you what it felt legit, got to the point, and did something for somebody, all while Velveteen Dream watched on from a velvet couch.
Aleister Black & Ricochet are on such a roll as a tag team that obviously they had a great match with the freakin’ Forgotten Sons in the Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic Finals. Like, the dimmed lights for the intros give things such an aura of importance, but you’re still watching the Forgotten damn Sons. And yet when the bell rang, it din’t matter – everybody just had themselves a heck of a tag team match. It was basic stuff, but Ricochet and Black add such a spice to anything they’re doing and brought it from very good tag to a certified banger. These guys are SO good together, and honestly with spot-reliant wrestling so common today I’m not sure why tag teams aren’t more of a thing. That catapult into the Black hot tag was awesome.
MAIN EVENT (3/27/19)
Tyler Breeze got a haircut! There was a rough rana spot vs. EC3 but otherwise these guys have a weird chemistry. EC3 is having some of the better Main Event matches that I’m still not going to recommend you actually make any effort checking out.
Heavy Machinery vs. The Ascension had OTIS chants, so there’s that.
WWE TV Match of the Week: The Tag Team Gauntlet Match, though honorable mention to Asuka vs. Charlotte Flair
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Kurt Angle – he might not have it anymore but god damn was his stuff this week a trip.
So I’m generally excited for the WrestleMania card but cold on the TV outside of the Kofi stuff. SmackDown was carried by New Day and Charlotte/Asuka, while everything else is just kind of limping towards the big day.
RAW: 3/10
SmackDown: 10/10
205 Live: 3/10
NXT UK: 4/10
NXT: 5/10
