I feel like at some point in like 2004, after guys like Stone Cold and The Rock and Brock Lesnar proved their disloyalty to the McMahon Monarchy, WWE as a whole became obsessive about not just creating stars but creating a never-ending supply of stars. By indoctrinating in their culture the need to want to be the next Stone Cold or John Cena, they would never be caught off guard again, as the system would produce a hundred John Cena’s waiting in the wings for their day.
In 2019, the Performance Center is a reality and they’ve gotten to the point where WWE main event style wrestler is almost down to a science. And it’s kind of bad that it’s a science. Because what has happened was they created a bunch of guys and girls who know how to admirably and competently wrestle a WWE Main Event style match, but they have also created a bunch of guys and girls who don’t quite work unless they are treated as a WWE Main Eventer. When every match on the card kind of follows the same formula, it’s only a few acts that are going to really stand out, while the rest competently go about their day in unmemorable encounters.
It’s the old “if you don’t want to be WWE Champion, you don’t belong here” – not only can some guys who never will be WWE Champion offer variety to a show, by adhering to this theory as if it was a constitutional amendment, it makes everybody who isn’t in that WWE Champion mix come off as a loser.
Combine that with creepy corporate culture and scarce creativity and a need to fill hours of television anyways and you’ve got a bad combination of things that hurt otherwise quality professional wrestling.
We need the D-Lo Browns as much as we need the Stone Colds, and with such an obsession to create a whole bunch of next Stone Colds we might be missing out on a whole bunch of quality D-Los.
Also – we lost King Kong Bundy this week. What a classic wrestling character he was. He is ingrained in my memory from both the WrestleMania II and III tapes I’d rent over and over from Blockbuster, as well as his Married with Children cameos that blew my mind, as two worlds collided before my young eyes. Bundy wasn’t just a scary-looking big man with a perfect pro wrestler look, though that would be enough to make a mark on the wrestling industry. Despite his genetic gifts, he was just an asshole. A straight-up dick. I always liked that about him. He seemed like a swell human too. Rest in Peace.
RAW (3/4/19)
WELP, nevermind. RAW was back to trash this week. They’re still playing with the flow of the show, but otherwise this was garbage wrestling.
It opened fine with Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins asking Dean Ambrose for a Shield reunion. That was a hook. An interesting situation for these professional wrestlers to be in. But they paid it off in a lame way with a really predictable, overly scripted reunion angle. And the stupid production truck missed the money camera shot on the god damn fist bump when they finally did it. The show hinged on this all being interesting and unfortunately it wasn’t.
I read a lot of not very nice words about Colin Jost and Michael Che‘s work on RAW but “is this stuff even real?” line aside I thought they did awesome, toeing the line between winking about how easy wrestling heel/face dynamics are but not coming off like condescending dicks. These are two fans who “get” wrestling and also happen to have talent. It was kind of a trip to see legitimately good comic timing and delivery on Monday Night RAW. “I love wrestling. The Bushwhackers, Koko B. Ware, Razor Ramon… and I cannot wait to smell what The Rock is cooking!” Jost putting on the Yankees hat and frowning at the end of one of the segments was phenomenal.
The other big story of the show was the RAW Women’s Title situation and WWE has really lost the plot with this one. What a mess. Ronda Rousey‘s big insane heel promo was out of this world stuff, but a bizarre topping on a really strange angle to begin with. Stephanie McMahon announcing that Becky would be “added” to the WrestleMania match if she won at Fastlane getting NOTHING from the crowd was both hilarious and the saddest damn thing you ever will see.
So outside of SNL comedy, the big stuff on the show stunk, and the rest was… eh.
Kurt Angle, Finn Balor and Braun Strowman vs. Baron Corbin, Bobby Lashley & Drew McIntyre opened the show wrestling-wise and Angle doing his thing is still fun but it was pretty unremarkable stuff outside of Braun steamrolling through a barricade and poor Lio Rush.
I do appreciate Corbin, Lashley, Lio, and the hilariously de-emphasized McIntyre trying to do this generic Heenan Family thing though.
The RAW Tag Titles match between The Revival and Aleister Black & Ricochet was like 5 minutes to setup Gable & Roode interference, but that double Black and Ricochet pose was one of the damndest things I have ever seen. Highlight of the show.
Heavy Machinery easily ran through the RAW tag division in a Gauntlet Match which is probably bad, but Otis just wrecking these lame acts felt right. Shout out to Viktor who was hilarious in the backstage segment that set this up.
Natalya vs. Ruby Riott was astounding in that it was 2 and a half minutes long but they still worked in a 20-30 second chinlock.
Elias going IN on Philly was alright but he and Dean Ambrose had an average match that felt like it went too long.
Tamina beat Sasha Banks which is kind of unacceptable, a symptom of too much god damn TV to fill and at the same time no thought or creativity put into making this feud interesting.
Oh, what am I forgetting?
Look – Batista is going to nail this WrestleMania feud because he is both a professional wrestler and professional actor and he also has nothing to lose. He cut an epic promo from INSTAGRAM by uttering only a few sentences, one of which was, “The game’s over. See what I did there?”
But I would hate to be the poor writer that got told by some guy to work Richard Fleihr into a Triple H promo multiple times, because that writer is definitely getting blamed for what was otherwise a mailed in piece of shit promo from The Game. “You aren’t looking at the character. You are looking at the man.” Well nobody ever liked the man, dude – go back to being the character.
The Batista/Triple H feud veered way off track after an otherwise cool start, but I guess that’s what happens sometimes when you’re in the fast lane.
SMACKDOWN (3/5/19)
This show still rules at least.
Daniel Bryan as top guy helps. I liked how instead of starting the show going “Take a look at what happened last week” he just calmly walked into the ring and motioned to the Titan Tron. Embrace your tropes, WWE. Kevin Owens trading lines with peak Dan Bryan to kickoff SmackDown Live was some very good stuff.
Other highlights:
The Usos cut a promo where they did white voice.
The Miz and Jey Uso did a very solid 5 minutes of TV wrestling with a fun finish.
Charlotte Flair appears to be playing drug-addled star en route to the biggest awards show of her life, which is a much more interesting take on anything that’s been in the RAW Women’s Title picture since the Rumble. The show-closing angle with her attacking Becky and Becky attacking her was pretty time killy, but way better than whatever that was on RAW.
Poor R-Truth got roped into a 4-Way Match with Andrade, Rey Mysterio and Samoa Joe and it was a hell of a match with these guys just letting it all loose – Rey took a sunset flip powerbomb to the floor, Andrade did a missile dropkick that made Joe practically explode. The first part was a Joe squash, then Andrade and Rey tore it up, and then everybody had some fun before JOE won the U.S. Title.
Joe getting a run leading into WrestleMania is well-deserved, and if it’s with Cena that is something I am way into. I don’t know if the match will be any good anymore, but the promos. THE PROMOS.
Aleister Black & Ricochet vs. The Bar was very good. Ricochet vs. Sheamus was very good. Cesaro landing on his feet off a back body drop, smiling, and turning around into a Black Mass was very good.
Mandy Rose and Naomi had a minute-long match. Asuka made a cameo afterwards.
And after a very solid Kevin Owens vs. Rowan match, Mustafa Ali returned! And he is looking real jacked, baby.
205 LIVE (3/5/19)
This show provided two fun match-ups so I can’t exactly call for its quick demise this week, but Cedric Alexander really got to the core of everything in his promo mid-show: “What can I say now that I haven’t said already?”
Oney Lorcan vs. Humberto Carrillo ruled. These crazy kids got lost on a couple spots but otherwise they turned a quiet and dwindling crowd to a dwindling and lively crowd. I really liked Oney just snap suplexing Humberto on the floor for some reason. Oney should be all over WWE TV as the coolest enhancement guy there ever was. Or he should be Universal Champion, I don’t know!
Mike Kanellis beat up Steve Corino’s kid this week.
Cedric Alexander vs. Akira Tozawa was a real fun match – I can’t believe it was their first time one-on-one. It had a few too many “slow it down brother” moments in the form of long holds but otherwise they kept it interesting and as per usual got things bumping for the finish. Cedric brings the intensity while Tozawa brings the crowd really giving a shit about all of this.
NXT UK 33 (3/6/19)
A bad show with the only redeeming factor being periodic reminders that they still have Pete Dunne and WALTER on the roster.
Ligero beat Joseph Conners in such a competent nothing match. It had all this polite applause that made me want to puke.
Gallus cut a bad promo.
Fabian Aichner & Marcel Barthel had themselves a little enhancement match and I like these two, though I’m not sure I get a long-term team vibe from them.
Jordan Devlin vs. Travis Banks in a Falls Count Anywhere match headlined this week and… is it possible to have a cute Falls Count Anywhere match? Because I think they did that. Maybe I was in a crabby mood, but this just kept hitting the beats of an intense match that lacked any actual emotion that said intense match should invoke. It just never felt like there was any reason to really be here. Nothing felt like it counted. Like, a Spanish Fly through a table? Is that supposed to IMPRESS ME?
NXT (3/6/19)
A wonderland hour of television, with a Matt Riddle/Velveteen Dream confrontation, a Keith Lee/Dominik Dijakovic confrontation, Io Shirai & Kairi Sane talking shit about Bianca Belair, and FOUR TAG TEAM MATCHES.
The Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic‘s first round brought four tags that were all not just really good matches but felt completely different from another.
Aleister Black & Ricochet had a third good tag match this week, this one vs. Fabian Aichner & Marcel Barthel. They kept things constantly moving with cool well-timed stuff and refused to let it devolve into WWE TV formula, with the beatdown kept extra short. Aichner having a more impressive strength spot with Black (catching his quebrada) than Ricochet was wild.
Forgotten Sons vs. Oney Lorcan & Danny Burch was the weakest match of the four, but it still had Oney being Oney and everybody bringing the crazy for the finish. Steve Cutler and Wesley Blake are fine Performance Center dudes but I’m waiting for them to pop me in this role. Blake’s missile dropkick almost did it. Almost.
Street Profits vs. Moustache Mountain was awesome, with Ford and Dawkins going to the mat with Bate and Seven before they picked up the pace and everybody crushed it. The frog splash near fall and Ford’s reaction was incredible. I’m not sure a dragon suplex on the apron was completely necessary but I guess Ford wanted to show off.
#DIY (plus old theme music) vs. Kyle O’Reilly & Bobby Fish was excellent. Gargano taking heat and Ciampa doing a hot tag was always a formula that worked and it still got the job done here. They also did a bunch of crazy sequences, like when O’Reilly dropped a gnarly diving knee on Ciampa after Fish did an avalanche falcon arrow, which was followed up by a diving headbutt from Fish to setup an O’Reilly arm submission on Ciampa which was broken up by Gargano shoving Fish into O’Reilly and Ciampa – you know, stuff like that. Gargano’s slingshot DDT countered with an O’Reilly guillotine choke was an amazing spot too, and I’m not sure if I should appreciate or discourage O’Reilly making a case for having the rebound clothesline in a post-Dean Ambrose world.
The crazy thing is, if Roderick Strong was involved it might’ve been even better. Heal up, Tommy Ciampa.
MAIN EVENT (3/6/19)
Apollo Crews went for it on EC3‘s headlock driver this week, otherwise their second encounter was not great.
Jinder Mahal & The Singh Brothers vs. Kalisto, Lince Dorado and… Tyler Breeze? was as basic and wonderful as it needed to be.
WWE TV Match of the Week: #DIY vs. Undisputed Era
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Oney Lorcan
This week was a big step back for RAW and the main WrestleMania angles in general, but beyond that there was a lot of good wrestling. Fastlane is Sunday, and then the Road to WrestleMania proper begins. Will it be good? Maybe..?
RAW: 3/10
SmackDown: 9/10
205 Live: 6/10
NXT UK: 4/10
NXT: 10/10
