A snake slithers across the screen. The voiceover asks: Can anyone defeat this serpent, the ancient symbol of all that is evil? Ricky Steamboat, intensity in his eyes, shouts the answer: “The Dragon will slay that slimy slake!” King Kong Bundy and Uncle Elmer step on scales and face each other, and Elmer does the friendliest most adorable nod when they show his face. Adrian Adonis creeps behind a Paul Orndorff cut-out and thinks, “I want this man. I’ve always wanted this man.” And Hulk Hogan and Junkyard Dog hold up The Haiti Kid, ready to kick more Funk Brother ass.
WrestleMania 2 has come and gone, and we are deep in the spring of 1986 as the WWF is introducing new faces but also spending time on some who might not be panning out. Terry Funk is about to leave, Piper and Andre are taking a break, Mr. Wonderful and Randy Savage are either climbing or stalled, Jake Roberts is just getting started, and as always Hulkamania is still running wild.
Jesse Ventura is off filming Predator, so Vince McMahon again does commentary with Bobby Heenan.
1. Hulk Hogan & Junkyard Dog w/ Haiti Kid vs. The Funk Brothers (Terry Funk & Hoss Funk) w/ Jimmy Hart
This is Terry Funk’s last match in the WWF until Chainsaw Charlie, while Jimmy Jack Funk is introduced on the mic but does not appear until after the match. Hogan enters with a chain around his neck and does the JYD pose as Haiti Kid pulls Jimmy Hart off the apron, concocting some classic Saturday Night CHAOS. Terry puts in one last work session here, a Flair flop to the floor, giving his body to the corner post, and just generally bumbling around and getting in place for all of Hogan and JYD’s offense when he isn’t trying to kick their ass or use a branding iron. Hogan vs. Dory Funk Jr. meanwhile is just an odd pairing I can’t see really ever working outside of a tag. Hulk hot tags and hits an Axe Bomber and clothesline for 3, then Hoss knees him from behind. Stupid 80s fun. ***1/4
Haiti Kid almost gets branded post-match but Hulk makes the save as Jimmy Jack Funk finally does show up, ready to hop on the road and replace Terry.
2. Uncle Elmer vs. King Kong Bundy
It’s The Battle of the Big Boys, and to really sell you on that fact they have Elmer eat a big bucket of “Elmer’s pig parts” which leads me to believe Uncle Elmer may have more of a problem than simply being a big boy. It does end up being a real big boy kind of match though – lots of shoves, clubbing, and holding a man down. Elmer manages a splash in the corner but misses another and falls to a Bundy elbow. *
Mean Gene interviews Mr. Wonderful in a sauna with his shirt off and the wrestling boom just chugs along. Wonderful describes Adrian Adonis and Jimmy Hart like this: “On one side we got a blimp, on the other side we got a wimp.”
3. “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff vs. Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart
Adrian Adonis wears a long pink black and blue shirt and throws his body all over the place for Mr. Wonderful. He takes a great shoulder bump into the corner post off a dropkick with a close-up shot towards the end. He also screams AHHHHH as Orndorff applies an abdominal stretch. Orndorff tears at the dress then pushes the referee down and gets DQ’d. The folks were digging this start to finish, mostly because even in its’ quietest moments something outrageous was going on. I adore Adorable Adrian. ***1/4
They advertise exclusive footage from WrestleMania 2 which ends up being just a different camera shot of the Hogan/Bundy Cage match. Cut to a Hogan promo where his eyes are the size of a canyon: “I proved in that Steel Cage that I’m the #1 at what I do, the World’s Heavyweight Champion.. and now it’s time for sweet revenge. Bundy, Muraco, Heenan, Fuji, I’ve got my hit list – it’s all lined up. One at a time, I’m gonna take ya down and knock you out. Whatcha gonna do – WHATCHA GONNA DOOO, MAN, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOOOOU!” Welp, that about takes care of 1986.
4. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Jake has been making waves since his debut a couple months ago and remains undefeated, though The Dragon is his first big test. He gives Damien a pep talk before the match that seems to have a sexual connotation to it, a great wrestling promo if I’ve ever seen one. And then he goes to the ring and well I was not prepared for this. Ricky comes out all hyped up to kick some ass but Jake clotheslines him off the apron as soon as he climbs up, and before the bell can ring Jake DDT’s him on the concrete floor and puts Damien all over him. Steamboat sprawls himself out all unconscious like and they show his wife in the crowd as officials back Jake off and put him on a stretcher. “He stuck it right in his mouth… gah, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life!” The Snake abides. Brilliant angle.
Freddie Blassie, wrapped in a turban, is about to step down and hand most of his fellas over to the incoming Slick. Captain Lou meanwhile provides this soundbite on The British Bulldogs: “These are the finest gymnastic wrestlers of the modern day era.” It feels like a dig.
5. 2/3 Falls – WWF World Tag Team Title: The British Bulldogs [c] w/ Captain Lou Albano vs. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff w/ “Classy” Freddie Blassie
This is a weird match, as it’s revealed midway through that Dynamite Kid has a knee injury so it’s pretty much just Sheik and Volkoff clubbing on Davey. Before the injury is mentioned, Davey Boy taps to a camel clutch a minute into the match which is a nice way to make the champs look like chumps. Then Dynamite just doesn’t tag in as Davey Boy gets wrecked by two burly pros. Vince speculates as to why the champs don’t look good, and he finally finds out that Dynamite has torn ligaments in his knee as if he just got a scoop or something. Davey Boy does manage a rollup to tie it up, then he hits a powerslam and tags Dynamite… who is promptly kicked down and put in a bearhug. He gets put in a Camel Clutch, but Davey rolls Sheik out of it (with no tag!) to win. Henenan is INCENSED. Decent action but awkward and confusing isn’t always the best hook. **3/4
Happy Thoughts: A good old-fashioned SNME with a lot of energy and great Steamboat/Roberts angle. 7/10
