Imagine being some young stand-up comic who has perfected a tight 30 minute set. It has laughs, it has tension. It makes people think. It is brilliant.
You tour the country with it, opening up for established comics and popping new crowds in every state. Things are going great. You’re building a buzz!
Then you do that set on TV.
It goes over well and you get more popular. You’re even asked to headline your own shows!
But everyone has seen your jokes.
They know your shtick.
They like you, but they know your shtick. They aren’t going to laugh at the same thing more than twice.
So, what do you do? You come up with new material, obviously. You’re a pro! You get a new 30-minutes, maybe even a new 60-minutes. You bring more laughs, you bring more tension. People are thinking more.
But I forgot to tell you something – you work for this company. This corporation. And they’ve heard your new set, and they don’t want it.
They just want you to do the same thing over and over and over and over.
Sure it’s boring. But it’s safe. It’s reliable. And even though all your fans hate you, maybe you’ll get new fans.
Maybe.
Welcome to WWE TV.
RAW (10/15/18)
This show was the WOOOOORST.
I mean if you’re going to be the propaganda arm of an asshole country at least have a good show.
The one-two punch of the awkward Battle Royal angle and Ronda Rousey awkwardly unloading over-scripted lines for 10 minutes on The Bellas was horrifying television.
The Evolution PPV has the built-in build of, “It’s an all-lady pay-per-view!” But the actual wrestling storytelling build to it has been awful. It’s like this company is ran by people who don’t know how to write for women. Weird.
Not like the dudes’ stories on RAW are any better either. Between the stupid World Cup gimmick and them wrestling a lot lately, Rollins vs. McIntyre was a solid match with some impressive bits wrapped in a package of who-cares. Ambrose going after Ziggler brought a brief moment of interest.
The Brothers of Destruction cut a spooky promo on DX and it was fine as far as a cheesy wrestling promo goes. I’d be into these guys just cutting promos on each ever instead of main eventing creepy shows in Riyadh. Imagine Kane as a manager for some young pup.
The Evolution Battle Royal is a necessary thing that is happening, but WWE promoting Battle Royals is always dumb and somehow the segment on this show came off even dumber. Tamina made her triumphant return teaming with Dana Brooke against weird new besties Ember Moon & Nia Jax and I’ll give them the Tamina/Jax showdown. Otherwise, the match was background noise for the Battle Royal announcement and then everybody awkwardly tried to throw each other over the top stuff and absolutely nobody was any better for it.
Like really, what was this? What’s the goal here? It’s like they have this metric in Excel where they need to tick off “Battle Royal Promotion” but literally the only idea they have is to have people throw each over the top rope to be like, “Yeah! I can do it! Also, this is how Battle Royals work!” Just dumb. Ember Moon especially looked dumb teaming up with Tamina to throw her new pal Nia Jax over the top. And you’re gonna have DANA BROOKE stand tall at the end? C’mon guys.
“It’s grabbing headlines around the world” said Michael Cole, as Saudi Arabia pals WWE pivoted to Ronda Rousey and The Bella Twins.
The Ronda/Bella segment was an all-timer in how bad it was. I swear, the news that came out about Ronda writing her own lines was just cover for how badly WWE writes for women. At first I started wondering if Ronda doing a longform promo with weird over-scripted lines was WWE replicating the Stefan SNL bits, where John Mulaney was writing stuff to pop The Bellas. But then it just kept going and made me not just be grossed out by WWE even more but question why I liked wrestling in the first place. Ronda spending 10 minutes dropping heavily scripted “you’re only here cause of who you’re banging hurr hurr” lines on the Bellas, like the writing squad was holding them in for years just waiting for this moment, was so so so so so so terrible.
And really – what does it do? What did this promo accomplish? All the lines got were a brief “OOOOHHH!!!” from the crowd. None of this makes the match seem like a bigger deal. And the lines aren’t drawing money either – the match itself is the draw, not this embarrassing promo segment. It’s just lazy and stupid and counterproductive.
Following it up with Kurt Angle in a tiny hat was an OK palate cleanser but WOW.
Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler to qualify for the World Cup was a nothing match to get to Dean pushing down Seth.
Poor Samir Singh – made his big return from injury by just appearing at ringside for Jinder Mahal getting destroyed in seconds by Finn Balor. Dawwww.
The Lashley squash of Tyler Breeze wasn’t a bad follow-up to last week’s heel turn but in that it was surrounded by a bad show it wasn’t helping anything.
Alexa Bliss and Mickie James basically burying Trish Stratus was some weird shit. The WWE RAW team ran two uncomfortable promos with women at the top of the hour that contained horseshit “you are who you’re banging / you’re old” material that ended with the bad guys teasing running down to the ring then turning around. Terrible.
But HEY! Sasha Banks is back! Natalya vs. Ruby Riott was whatever. At least they didn’t do a promo where Riott Squad made fun of Tyson Kidd’s neck injury and Natalya farting then teased brawling with them and backed off.
How are you gonna have Apollo, who’s been completely decimated since he came to the main roster, interrupt Elias and act like anybody should care? Points for trying but they should’ve been trying before this.
The Shield vs. Strowman/Ziggler/McIntyre was a good match, similar to last week’s excellent match but with more bickering and less heat. The shrieks as Ambrose kicked out of the Zig Zag at the end were awesome.
Quietly, quietly… WWE is doing a decent job of building up Drew McIntyre.
SMACKDOWN (10/16/18)
SmackDown 1000 was a fun show that didn’t overdo it. I thought they did a great job of providing equal parts nostalgia and interesting scenarios for the current roster. Every segment outside of maybe the Miz/Rusev/English thing was at a minimum good. Becky emotionally dismantling Edge and the Batista angle were both best-of-the-year type segments.
Highly suspect sources of income aside, seeing Vince McMahon on WWE television is always fun. He’s looking his age in the face but is still moving like a cruiserweight. Loved R-Truth bantering with Vince too. Oh Shane and Stephanie were there too.
AJ Styles/Daniel Bryan vs. The Usos was a trip of a match in that The Usos were actually wrestling a tag team match on SmackDown Live. It didn’t mean much and was more about Bryan/AJ dissension but was fun wrestling from fun wrestlers.
The Evolution reunion was incredible for one reason and that reason is David Batista. I found myself completely enveloped by his star power, the way he seems to glow through the television screen like only the upper echelon of superstars can. The “He’s done everything… except beat me” line and reaction was an AWESOME angle with all the tension and excitement of the big time thing it was. Orton reacting in the background was fun too. Excellent, compelling stuff. These dipshits can still get it done sometimes.
The Miz vs. Rusev World Cup Qualifier was acceptable only in that it wasted 30 seconds of TV time instead of 5 minutes. Rusev vs. Aiden English has very quickly gotten to doing-nothing-for-nobody territory.
The Cutting Edge return was incredible for one reason and that reason is Becky Lynch. I got very, very excited when Becky told Edge not to mansplain her career to her and that she loved herself, then rose her SmackDown Women’s Championship high. Charlotte was there for a bit too, but this was all about the seriously overwhelming big dick energy that Becky Lynch was radiating.
The New Day vs. The Bar was a solid match that turned into a banger of a match, as these guys always do. Cesaro took a scary bump on his head somewhere in there too. Great finish, made all the better by the absolute CHAOS of Big Show running in and helping The Bar win the SmackDown Tag Team Titles. So totally random, so maybe interesting.
Rey Mysterio vs. Shinsuke Nakmaura was a blast, even if it had a lot of Nakamura methodically throwing knees. This was a Dream Match in the classic sense – it wasn’t two similar guys doing matwork and building to signature moves and near falls, but two legitimate superstars who might be a bit of a styles clash meeting for the first time and doing some cool stuff together. Rey looked phenomenal and he might have hit his best ever baseball slide splash.
MIXED MATCH CHALLENGE (10/16/18)
Team Pawz vs. Country Dominance – The dueling “BOB-BY! BOB-BY!” chants was a good idea. Otherwise, whatever. Bobby vs. Bobby and Mickie vs. Nattie are not high on any list of matches I want to see.
Ravishing Rusev Day vs. Team Awe-Ska – There was some boo/yay stuff here and it was kind of fun. Asuka remains the best and it is some absolute deep dark bullshit that she is in the Battle Royal at Evolution. Anyways. Miz impersonated Aiden English to win.
205 LIVE (10/17/18)
With the new 2-match structure, 205 Live is basically Main Event with a championship. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though this show was kind of classic 205 Live – two good matches that were kind of meaningless.
Akira Tozawa vs. Drew Gulak opened the show and was on the one hand kind of dead and on the other hand had a lot of cool stuff like Gulak working the shit out of some headlocks, Tozawa using core strength to escape the Gory Special chinlock, and Gulak biting Tozawa’s ear.
In the 205 Live pantheon, Kendrick making the save for Tozawa is a BIG F’ING DEAL.
I liked the unique promos Hideo Itami and Mustafa Ali did. Scary Itami is kinda great. Fired up Ali is too.
Lio Rush vs. Gran Metalik vs. Cedric Alexander vs. Lio Rush vs. Tony Nese for a shot at the Cruiserweight Title was the main event and see, what WWE did was they hired a bunch of guys with some solid high spots and didn’t provide them the ability to evolve (cough) as wrestlers. So here they are a couple years later, still running through the same shit in an occasionally fun 5-way match that nobody cares about. Nese getting all 3 other guys down and doing a chinlock was the WORST.
There was some cool wrestling: Lio getting chucked to the floor and being super over, Metalik’s big Asai moonsault… but eh. TJP pushed as some dangerous technical wizard didn’t help.
NXT (10/17/18)
This was a tremendous show – tight layout, minimal bullshit, great tag titles match, big return (Bobby Fish), great Baszler squash, great Burch & Lorcan squash, wild main event, and another big return (Aleister Black) that effectively utilized the placement of the already effective wild main event. Great work, NXT.
The great Tag Titles match was just that. I liked how O’Reilly and Strong kept staying on the Raiders all match, either trying to wrestle them down or hammering on them or targeting Rowe’s leg. O’Reilly took a MASSIVE bump to setup Hanson’s hot tag, and the War Raiders offensive run was excellent. Era can get it done on offense but they will also bump all over the place. The Bobby Fish run-in was well done too. I want to see a New Day vs. Undisputed Era match.
Shayna Baszler destroying Britt Baker’s arm was good TV.
Rocky? There’s just a guy at the Performance Center named Rocky? And he looks like Riki Choshu? OK. Fine. Oney Lorcan & Danny Burch squashed him and the dearly departed Tian Bing and it was fun. Headbutts were thrown. Nasty finish.
Nikki Cross vs. Bianca Belair was so awesome. They went hard and the crowd was with them the whole way. Cross is over, Bianca is impressive, and THAT ELBOW!!! These guys just threw bombs at each other, baby – nobody had any stretch of offense because they were just constantly taking it to each other. Belair bumps and scrambles around like a seasoned pro too. Like it’s not all there, but the instincts are right and it’s awesome to watch develop. 10x more interesting than watching Bobby Roode or some shit.
They did a great job of giving the fans an awesome show before the Aleister Black return finish. Black appearing seated in the ring was the coolest shit.
MAE YOUNG CLASSIC 2018 – EPISODE 7 (10/17/18)
1. Mae Young Classic – Quarter Final: Meiko Satomura vs. Lacey Lane
I don’t understand Lacey Lane being pushed as superhuman, but this had its moments. And aren’t the moments what it’s all about? Meiko playing with Lane, then kicking her in the head was very nice. Lacey’s run towards the end was the best example of what she’s capable of and very cool, only to be overshadowed by Meiko’s “how dare you” face before she ended her. Meiko in general is just very cool to watch in this WWE tournament format. **3/4
2. Mae Young Classic – Quarter Final: Io Shirai vs. Deonna Purrazzo
Deonna can go, her combos are a trip, she sells big, and her fired up comebacks are awesome. Io meanwhile is other-worldly: The front flip out of the headscissors, the tope, the charisma – magic. Just bunches and bunches of fun professional wrestling right here. ***1/4
3. Mae Young Classic – Quarter Final: Tegan Nox vs. Rhea Ripley
Seeing them try to work through Tegan’s injury was half-interesting and half soul-crushingly awkward.
Completely, utterly tragic. Ugh. Injuries are crap, but injuries in wrestling when someone’s getting their big break after they just returned from an injury are heartbreaking.
4. Mae Young Classic – Quarter Final: Toni Storm vs. Mia Yim
I dug what they were trying, but I didn’t really get into this until they started slapping each other in the face 10 minutes in. These guys brought an aura of wanting to desperately end each other, but the build to that aura was that infamous word only a wrestling review guy would use: “disjointed.” Storm grabbing Yim’s hurt hand to setup a German suplex and Tiger suplex was a tremendous finish. ***
MAIN EVENT (10/17/18)
This Main Event saw Konnor continue his inexplicable singles win streak with a win over Rhyno. The match wasn’t much. They had a cool strong style chop battle but honestly I didn’t even realize it wasn’t a tag until like 75% through.
Speaking of inexplicable, Zack Ryder & No Way Jose continued their weird team in a match with The Revival. It was a 2018 Revival match – decent beating but less than zero reasons to care. Great Shatter Machine setup though.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Tie it up – War Raiders vs. Undisputed Era and Nikki Cross vs. Bianca Belair
WWE TV MVP of the Week: BATISTA
This week had an all-time bad and counterproductive RAW, but a fun fan service SmackDown and some great in-ring stuff: Mysterio vs. Nakamura, The New Day vs. The Bar, War Raiders vs. Undisputed Era, Cross vs. Belair, and some good stuff from the Mae Young Classic quarter finals. STACKED.
RAW: 1/10
SmackDown: 9/10
205 Live: 3/10
NXT: 10/10
