Nobody is excited like Vincent Kennedy McMahon when he is bellowing: “Welcome… to WrestleMania!”
WrestleMania 2 is a partially beautiful mess. It is also partially just a boring wrestling show.
The WWF’s second entry into the pay-per-view business took place in three locations on a single night, with four matches live at each venue over a three-hour period: Nassau Coliseum in New York, Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, and the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena in L.A.
It is such a WWF thing to do – the first WrestleMania was a success, so let’s go WAY over-the-top with ambition on the follow-up.
The idea sounds neat, but there’s a rushed feel, a bunch of blah matches, and barely any of the zillion celebrity appearances add anything to the show other than “LOL wrestling.” I can’t imagine how the live crowds felt – were the folks in New York happy with their Mr. T Boxing Match and Randy Savage?
The WWF was in way in over their shit and the production suffers here and there too: Ray Charles’ microphone buzzing during America the Beautiful, timing mis-cues, local ring announcers announcing results over videos/promos from the other arenas, the “Where’s the Beef?” lady appearing pissed that they want her to stand up and the mic missing her catchphrase, Joan Rivers reminding Darryl Dawkins to wave. Not to mention Joe Namath and Lee Majors no-showing.
That they got this all done in a tight three hours is kind of incredible though.
The celebrities are overwhelming, and nothing dates these shows like the celebrities the WWF went with. Each show had a celebrity guest commentator, and all around the show there were guest ring announcers, timekeepers, and referees – not to mention six guys from the NFL in a Battle Royal. TV actresses, political hacks, and fast food commercial stars all got the call from the WWF.
Of anybody, Elvira got IT.
Vince and Susan Saint James’ awkward commentary chemistry in New York is a sight to see, though they eventually find something resembling a rhythm. Early on Vince tries to fill in gaps and doesn’t respond to any point Susan does make. She’s ALL IN on the Savage/Steele saga though and it’s phenomenal.
For all the weirdness and over-promotion though, this is a wild trip of a Blockbuster video in a world that wasn’t yet filled with wrestling at your fingertips. There’s snakes, football players, and steel cages. It feels less dark and smoky than WrestleMania 1 too. It’s a weird show and not much really delivers compared to all the other wrestling out there, but it’s a fun show too.
The first four matches are from New York, then Chicago, and finally LA.
Ray Charles sings America the Beautiful to start the show. Vince hasn’t really learned to stretch out his announcements yet. “The great… RAYCHARLESSS.”
Rowdy Roddy Piper gets in a quick promo before the show as he preps for his Boxing Match with Mr. T. Piper has his trainer Lou Duva holding the mic for him which I find amazing. It’s a tremendous manic Piper promo and something to be cherished, considering this was basically his swan song as a heel talker. It also ends with this awful line: “I’ll never shave my hair like an Indian and paint myself black – yoo hoo.”
1. Magnifcient Muraco w/ Mr. Fuji vs. “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff
This is a match of 80s BODIES. It is also 4 minutes long. The thing about these quick WrestleMania matches is that the shine (yeah I know the BUSINESS) at the start is pretty much always awesome. Orndorff pops the folks, then these two awkwardly bump over the top and it’s a double countout. The crowd chants BULLSHIT. Welcome to WrestleMania. **
2. WWF Intercontinental Title: Macho Man Randy Savage [c] w/ Elizabeth vs. George “The Animal” Steele
This is a match with a lot of gaga (yeah I know the BUSINESS): Savage runs and stalls and poses, George gets distracted by Elizabeth and bites the turnbuckle, Savage hits George with flowers, George stuffs the turnbuckle padding in Savage’s face. Both guys are great performers but it’s 5 minutes and Steele’s physical prime had passed.
The true highlight is Susan Saint James finding her groove in this match, as she is completely in on the story – disgusted by Savage, earnestly hollering “Come on, George!” She also drops this classic line: “Alright, George – eat his leg!” That’s the thing about this show – it’s bad, but it also has lines like that.
George KICKS OUT of the elbow drop, then loses to a cradle where Savage has his feet on the ropes. **1/4
3. Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. George Wells
This might go only three minutes long but Jake does just enough to be awesome: points at his head and takes a shoulderblock, swings at nothing, and takes a back bump where his feet end up on the second rope. True story: as a kid I thought WELLS was The Guy briefly for how much he controlled this. Jake eventually hits the DDT and Wells does good business by taking it on his head.
The post-match is brilliant as far as introducing a new guy to the territory: Jake wraps Damien around Wells to the point where it legitimately seems like it’s constricting him, then Wells froths at the mouth. Whoa. **
Jesse Ventura interviewing Hulk Hogan in LA is 80s money: “I’ll just say this… good guys don’t always finish first hahahaha…”
4. Boxing Match: Mr. T w/ Smokin’ Joe Frazier and Haiti Kid vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper w/ Cowboy Bob Orton and Lou Duva
Guest Ring Announcer is Joan Rivers, while the Guest Judges are jazz singer Cab Calloway, NBA player Darryl Dawkins, and Watergate douchebag G. Gordon Liddy. Briefly famous Burger King commercial character HERB is the guest ring announcer.
While Mr. T’s involvement in WrestleMania 1 was the WWF Bullshit Machine working, this was the WWF Bullshit Machine run amok. This is definitely absolutely 100% a worked boxing match, but after all the stories of animosity between these two over the years it makes me think that neither actually wanted to work together to do anything actually fun.
UWFi this is not – it’s just a meandering thing that at four rounds goes way too long. Piper sells shots big and Bob throws a bucket of water at Mr. T but ehhh. Piper eventually shoves the ref and bodyslams T and gets DQ’d. A pull-apart takes place afterwards and Cab Calloway just smiles away at all this nonsense. *
5. WWF Women’s Title: Fabulous Moolah [c] vs. Velvet McIntyre
The FALL of the womens division from WrestleMania 1! No more Rock n’ Wrestling, no more Cyndi Lauper, no more Wendi Richter. We’re back in the MOOLAH ERA. Velvet gets in a few shots but Moolah pins her in 90 seconds, even though Velvet has her feet on the ropes. 3/4*
6. Flag Match: Corporal Kirchner vs. Nikolai Volkoff w/ “Classy” Freddie Blassie
Corporal Kirchner filled a spot but never caught fire. This is another quick nothing match. Volkoff fires off a SPIN KICK which is awesome. Finish is neat as Blassie throws his cane and Kirchner catches it and clocks Nikolai. U-S-A U-S-A. *
7. 20-Man WWF vs. NFL Battle Royal
Participants are Andre the Giant, Bruno Sammartino, Big John Studd, Iron Sheik, Pedro Morales, Hillbilly Jim, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, King Tonga, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Dan Spivey, B. Brian Blair, Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell, and NFL players William “The Refrigerator” Perry, Bill Fralic, Russ Francis, Jimbo Covert, Harvey Martin and Ernie Holmes. Guest Referees are Chicago Bears legend Dick Butkus and Ed “Too Tall” Jones.
I think Clara Peller – the Wendy’s “Where’s the beef?” lady – is told to stand by a production assistant. She seems annoyed, then says “where’s the beef” but the mic doesn’t catch it. Very cool.
Everybody gets an announcement and I appreciate that.
The crowd is HYPED for this Battle Royal and though it’s the usual punch-and-kick-fest it’s a GOD DAMN BATTLE ROYAL. To their credit they keep the eliminations coming and the spectacle carries any lulls. Gorilla mentions that there are 5,612 pounds in the ring – what a stat! Jimbo Covert sells his early elimination better than any professional wrestler in history – he is SHOCKED and PISSED. Fridge gets big pops doing anything, especially going up against Big John Studd.
Andre, The Hart Foundation, and Russ Francis – who legit went on to wrestle for the AWA – are the final 4. The Harts take out Francis and work over Andre, which is a very cool thing to have happened in pro wrestling history. Bret’s bump into Andre’s boot is tremendous. Neidhart takes a bump like a goof over the top off a boot, then Andre throws Bret onto Neidhart. Classic. ***1/2
8. WWF World Tag Team Title: The Dream Team [c] w/ “Luscious” Johnny Valiant vs. The British Bulldogs w/ Captain Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne
Whether I’m watching this at 5 years old or 31, I always love how excited Ozzy was to be here – it felt like he had been the Bulldogs’ manager for years. This is the only match on the card outside of the Cage Match that had any real time to breathe and given the talent involved it’s very good. The Bulldogs were top-tier offense guys in wrestling while Valentine was a top-tier defense guy. Beefcake was pretty good too.
These four didn’t really follow the tag formula, they just went hard with wrestling sequences. They were popping the folks with vertical suplexes and sunset flips and press slams, all delivered with gusto. The finish is a classic, with Davey sending Valentine colliding with Dynamite’s head and getting the win. HUGE pop. ***1/2
“THE BRITISH BULLDOGS FORREEEVVVEEEERRR!!!” Love Wrestling Ozzy. I wish there were “many more to come” as he promised after the match.
9. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Hercules Hernandez
This is a fine wrestling match. Steamboat sliding under Hercules and hitting armdrags made a lot of folks fall in love with GOOD professional wrestling I reckon. Elvira calls Steamboat a wimp for having a bandana around his knee, embracing the Ventura heel-ness. Steamboat takes a big snake eyes, throws some big chops, and takes a big clothesline. A crossbody wins it. ***
10. Uncle Elmer vs. Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart
Adonis is fully dolled up and his face is painted red. Shockingly, he bumps big until Elmer misses a legdrop. A top rope splash wins it for the Adorable one. Alright. Fair enough. *
11. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana vs. Terry Funk & Hoss Funk w/ Jimmy Hart
This is good old-fashioned 80s professional wrestling: Terry chopping and bumping and doing shtick, Tito selling big, Jimmy Hart yelling, Junkyard Dog vs. Terry Funk, the insanity of Dory Funk Jr. being here. Dory Funk Jr. vs. Tito Santana at WRESTLEMANIA is a wild thing that happened that should be talked about more.
They deliver the goods on JYD’s hot tag, highlighted by Terry going FLYING over the top rope – I mean he legit takes a back body drop to the concrete. The finish is a little all over the place and confusing, though it does include Terry being slammed onto a table. Terry clocks JYD with the megaphone for 3. ***
12. Steel Cage Match – WWF World Heavyweight Title: Hulk Hogan [c] vs. King Kong Bundy w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
The big blue cage is trotted out to the ring, as Lord Alfred informs us it is a SPECIALLY RE-ENFORCED cage for Bundy. Dodgers Manger Tommy Lasorda is the Guest Ring Announcer and he YELLS his announcements which is awesome. Actor Robert Conrad is the referee and 16-year-old actor Ricky Schroder is the Guest Timekeeper.
There are better Steel Cage Matches, but this is still one of THE Steel Cage Matches, with prime Hogan taking on big-ass King Kong Bundy in the main event of WrestleMania. The camera gets the classic down-low shot of Bundy on his entrance, making this mammoth man appear even bigger. Hogan SHAKES THE CAGE and climbs over it as he stares through Bundy’s soul. He is ON.
They keep it moving early with Hogan throwing shot after shot at Bundy, then Bundy takes over by going after the ribs and Hulk sellllls. He SELLLLLLLS. Bundy eventually bleeds which is an incredible visual given his paleness. The Avalanche and big splash feel like it could be the end of Hulkamania and Bundy begins to escape, but Hulk springs up and does the thing. He NO-SELLS an Avalanche which is both silly and fucking incredible. Bodyslam, legdrop, escape.
It was nothing fancy and maybe not a WRESTLEMANIA main event, but this wasn’t when Mania was Mania. This was still an effective match. ***1/2
Bobby Heenan eats it post-match, Hogan poses, and Elvira agrees to go out with Jesse. WHAT A NIGHT.
This show is all over the place and there’s not a ton that’s… good, but it’s also an infamous weird show with a ton of talent. 5/10
