Sup to the guy wearing the bright green Glassjaw t-shirt in the crowd.
0. SmackDown Tag Team Title: The Bludgeon Brothers [c] vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson
A serviceable tag team wrestling match. Real formula, but the Bludgeon Brothers brought the pain to that formula – the bottom rope catapult, Rowan’s chops and clothesline, and that double dropkick were nasty. Meanwhile, Chicago might be the only place that The Club is legitimately over. Gallows leaping to the apron in time for the hot tag was cool, as was the Magic Killer break-up right before the finish, even if Rowan took a couple seconds too long. ***
1. Daniel Bryan vs. Big Cass
You are not getting some deep piece of art with Big Cass on one side of the ring, but what you do get here is Daniel Bryan getting 15+ in a PPV opener and no matter the opponent that is good stuff – fire, selling, building to a comeback, delivering on that comeback, and just being OVER. Cass sure can spin a guy around real neat too – the sidewalk slam and the tilt-a-whirl YesLock were wild. I actually bought that Cass was winning off that big boot too. Good stuff. ***1/2
New Day and Kevin Owens together was kind of magical.
2. Bobby Lashley vs. Sami Zayn
Sami Zayn is STALLING. And then, oddly, beating up Bobby Lashley for a little bit. And I’m not sure this needed even 3 minutes of Zayn on offense. I get wanting to make a guy seem credible, but when he’s losing to a vertical suplex and a one-handed pinfall from a good guy who people still don’t really seem to like you might be better off wrapping things up quicker and moving on. *
3. WWE Intercontinental Title: Seth Rollins [c] vs. Elias
All the big spots were great (Rollins’ neck bump on the apron for this BUSINESS, Rollins’ knee tweaking on the springboard and Elias hitting a big jumping knee, Elias’ catch of the tope and slam into the barricade before going for kill with elbow drop, Rollins’ knee giving out on the buckle bomb to set up a cradle near fall); the stuff in between not so much.
Elias is a star, but not the best working a lengthy WWE beatdown. Weirdly enough, he might need to turn babyface to reach his full potential in the ring. That or find his inner Jake Roberts and use a DDT as his finish. Either way, this was a solid match with a great last few minutes. It might have not been the most exciting thing, but I bet both guys got kudos backstage for nailing exactly the type of match they had to at this point in the card. ***1/4
4. Women’s Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks vs. Natalya vs. Naomi vs. Ember Moon vs. Lana vs. Alexa Bliss
These eight went balls out from the bell and didn’t really slow down – they had some STUFF planned and stringed it all together really well, which is the best case scenario for these very overplayed matches. I mean this thing was crazy.
Ember Moon and Naomi looked especially awesome, providing the big car crash spots and bumps and adding a certain amount of beautiful recklessness to the proceedings. Sasha taking a buckle bomb into a ladder was god damn insane. Becky being SO over was awesome. And Alexa Bliss again impressed with her ability to basically do nothing but find her way into key parts of the match, including the win. ***3/4
5. Roman Reigns vs. Jinder Mahal w/ Sunil Singh
So this was never really going to work. It was basically a Choose Your Own Adventure Match for the Chicago crowd. Chant away, people – you’ll get your AJ Styles next. I shouldn’t have been surprised that they still went with a boring-ass Mahal beatdown and Reigns comeback formula, but I still was. What a special, stubborn corporation World Wrestling Entertainment is. **
6. SmackDown Women’s Title: Carmella [c] vs. Asuka
For a match that wasn’t Asuka ending Carmella in 30-seconds, this WAY over-delivered. These two are both very good at what they do, but what they do is very different. Carmella moonwalked, was annoying, and talked shit. Asuka threw hip attacks and was all fired up. Then it just kept going, with Carmella finding ways to either stay on or escape Asuka, and it was kind of awesome – good timing by Carmella, great selling by Asuka. I didn’t know there was a planet where Carmella looked credible versus Asuka, but we landed on it.
The JAMES ELLSWORTH return was fucking tremendous too. ***1/4
7. Last Man Standing Match – WWE Title: AJ Styles [c] vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Well. This here was a brawl and it had quite a lot of cool stuff, but while it definitely sucks to compare it to some epic – the Gargano/Ciampa match was JUST last night. And this didn’t come close. Both guys getting to play with smoke and mirrors and getting right to the action made it so this was probably their best match together, but it still wasn’t the best. They got a lot of time, but it never got past serviceable WWE gimmick match with extra cool kicks. AJ Styles remains a spectacular guy to watch wrestle and Nakamura remains a spectcular guy to watch react to things, but these matches just don’t stand out. AJ dodging the low blow was cool, but why are we still doing this?
AJ collapsing onto commentary right after getting up at 9 and the “COME ONNN!!!” from Nakamura after he got up from the Styles Clash off the steps were indeed epic. But god damn, man. Can there be more than a few minutes in these matches that I REALLY DIG!? A very good match that didn’t really make me feel anything. Maybe that’s on me. Maybe that’s on them. ***1/2
8. RAW Women’s Title: Nia Jax [c] vs. Ronda Rousey
Ronda Rousey can work, man. Her stuff here felt more realistic than anything in WWE right now – the strikes, submissions, and selling were all great. Even little stuff like the quick “whoa” as she found her balance on the top rope – SO good. It is just swell to see a successful outsider’s approach to WWE style.
Nia Jax was great versus Asuka and played the same role here: lady who will kill you whether you get her in some armbar or not. Great beatdown and great selling when Rousey got anything in. Rousey going to the top was a great spot, as was the judo throw on her comeback. Kind of a perfect Money in the Bank cash-in finish too. What a god damn match. ****
Side Note: Cole and Graves burying Coach’s theory that the Nia Jax beatdown gave Rousey time to rest was an all-timer. “How are you still employed, Coach? That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Extra Side Note: Alexa Bliss worked two matches, one of them a Ladder Match, did three moves across both, and is now the RAW Women’s Champion. An exemplary talent for aspiring professional wrestlers all over.
9. Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Braun Strowman vs. Finn Balor vs. Big E vs. Rusev vs. Bobby Roode vs. Kevin Owens vs. The Miz vs. Samoa Joe
This was a Money in the Bank match ALLLLL about Mr. Braun Strowman and I had a great time.
Beyond Braun, we’ve seen this stuff before, but it was still pretty spectacular. I liked that more guys than not had an established role: Owens rallying the troops against Braun, Miz being sneaky, Joe being dominant, Kofi doing Kofi Things, Braun being The Guy.
But this was about Braun, and I loved the plot: Act 1: Braun taking out everyone early, everyone uniting to take care of Braun on the entrance ramp, Miz trying to sneak the win. Act 2: Kofi’s big dive followed by Balor’s big dive, only for Braun to rise from the dead, only for Joe to elbow suicida Braun down. Everybody again ganging up on Braun, only for Braun to drag Owens up a VERY TALL LADDER and push him off for a wild table bump. Braun then RUNNING THROUGH A LADDER and Miz’ reaction. Act 3: BRAUN WIN.
***3/4
An entertaining night of pro wrestling, but there is always going to be bloat to these 4+ hour shows. Highlights were Daniel Bryan giving Big Cass his best match ever, both Money in the Bank matches, Carmella vs. Asuka over-delivering along with the awesome Ellsworth return, and the marvel that was Ronda Rousey vs. Nia Jax. Low-lights were Zayn vs. Lashley, Roman and Jinder being thrown to the wolves, and no stand-out GREAT match.
This wasn’t quite the kick in the ass WWE needed, but it was good. 7/10
