Flooding in Texas, missiles over Japan, fuckin’ Trump.
Let’s watch wrestling.
RAW (8/28/17)
A pretty good RAW.
Spending the first half hour of your three-hour wrestling show on a Battle Royal is always a very good idea. Kurt’s delivery of “good old-fashioned, over-the-top, Battle Royal – oh it’s TRUE, it’s damn TRUE!” had me loving life.
This was an OK Battle Royal. High points: CLEAN-SHAVEN BIG SHOW, The Club teaming up to eliminate Show, and Karl Anderson’s corner bump on the apron. Observations: Is Goldust gonna tell us who his star is any time soon? And Jason Jordan eliminating The Miztourage would’ve blown the fucking roof off any arena in the world in 1992.
Jeff Hardy was who I was hoping for as the winner – opens up a lot of interesting possibilities… Jeff singles run and Hardys dissension especially which I assume leads to Broken hijinks. I’m not positive he’s in the condition to pull it off but I want one more Jeff run at the Big Red Belt.
Oh, and Bray Wyatt vs. Finn Balor is continuing. OK.
Enzo Amore vs. Noam Dar was very much a pretend wrestling match. Neville’s absolute disgust with Enzo Amore is awesome, but don’t think Enzo is the answer for the cruiserweights. They’re using a scalpel when the whole division needs a butcher’s knife.
BROCK LESNAR SPOKE. LOVED IT. No Braun on this show was smart.
Two good solid back-to-back matches between Rollins/Cesaro and Ambrose/Sheamus. Rollins vs. Cesaro is just a pairing that works – Rollins is all flippy and bendy, Cesaro is all strong and a good base. Dug the rolling gutwrenches and an UPPERCUT winning. Ambrose vs. Sheamus meanwhile was different, with Sheamus on offense for most of it and Ambrose selling big. Don’t think Dean-O gets enough credit as one of the better sellers in wrestling… it’s not that he keeps grabbing his back, but he just gives the aura of a guy who’s legit sore. Two fine TV matches, didn’t re-invent the wheel but were a good time.
Did have a laugh at how long Seth and Dean had to stand around after their entrance – commercial, Cena/Roman video package, Cesaro entrance. Hilarious. Watching guys just stand around waiting for their cue is a painful experience live.
NO on the new Emma theme. NO. The “I started the Women’s Revolution, it was ME” is a neat idea in theory but I think it might just be a mean rib on her.
John Cena and Roman Reigns did the promo of the god damn year on this show. Sometimes you think no wrestler can actually talk you into a building and sometimes you’re ready to look up flights to Los Angeles after Big John gets done. This had the ELECTRICITY, man. Match might not be happening on the Mania stage (yet), but I am pretty sure the reason we are getting this right now is because The Undertaker told Vince at SummerSlam that he’s ready for a couple more – either the Dream Match with Cena, or a Revenge Match with Roman.
This had it all – great one-liners, intensity, and most importantly motivation. Roman doesn’t think he even needs to beat Cena (but might be scared he can’t), Cena wants respect for being the GOAT (but might be scared he isn’t). Roman is frustrated and talked into proving himself, Cena thinks he has Roman’s number but Roman says he doesn’t even want to be the next Cena.
Even though they got all shooty this totally connected with me – it wasn’t CM Punk calling Triple H Paul Levesque, it was the two top dogs having themselves WORDS. Helped that Roman legit seemed to forget a line and Cena walked all over it, which amped up the Big Dog into cutting what might have been the best promo he’s ever done. There was some chatter online about how WWE wanted this to be Cena/Rock and Reigns isn’t Rock, but I call BS on that. This was better than Cena/Rock – it was the Ace who isn’t quite accepted by the fanbase being forced into performing under pressure, not Rocky trying to re-create that 2001 magic.
Top one-liners, ranked in order of appearance:
John first burying Roman being a protected blue-chip prospect, and following it up with, “And then there’s me.”
Roman to John: “Maybe it’s not that I don’t want to fight you, maybe it’s that I don’t need to.”
John to Roman about his place as a top guy: “Everybody back there knows it, everybody out here… still kinda trying to figure it out.”
John to Roman: “A cheap-ass corporately created John Cena bootleg.”
John about Roman beating THE UNDERTAKER: “I’m not a battered veteran at the end of his career with a bad hip.”
Roman to John: “They boo you… because first of all ya suck.” (THIS SEEMS LAME WRITING IT OUT BUT IT GOT A HUGE POP)
John jumping on Roman after he forgot a line: “It’s called a promo, kid – if you wanna be the big dog, you’re gonna have to learn how to do it, so go ahead.”
Roman to John: “You’re just a fake bitch.”
Roman to John: “I’m the one guy in the WWE… that John Cena can’t see.”
John to Roman: “It took you five years to cut a half-way decent promo but now I’m bout to shrink you down to size.”
John to Roman: “I’m still here because you can’t do your job.”
I mean MY GOODNESS. This was like some Game of Thrones fight scene, time both stopped and flew by at the same time.
The tag match with Gallows & Anderson was a tag match in which I was still reeling from all the jolts of electricity. Cena took a beating, Reigns got the hot tag, they did a Spear and AA at the same time. It mostly worked, though I would’ve preferred Roman tagging in and just spearing Cena out of his sneakers. Roman’s game isn’t promos, and I hope he shows a willingness to get all physical and mean as hell towards Big John soon.
Southpaw met WWE tonight, with Pelvis Wesley confronting Elias. It was… not great. Still love Elias.
Alexa Bliss vs. Sasha Banks for the RAW Women’s Title was good stuff, there’s a lot of jockeying about HISTORY-MAKING STUFF in WWE right now but main eventing with these two on the same day the Mae Young Classic dropped on the Network is pretty awesome. Alexa and Sasha bring that Big Fight Feel like few ladies out there and had a fine match.
Liked all of Alexa’s bailing early, Alexa ducking a baseball slide (kind of an amazing use of her shortness), Alexa working the back leading to a superplex that felt like a big deal. Check the slow-mo replay on that superplex and Alexa’s “FFFUUUCCKKKK” reaction. Finish was a little sudden and I put Great Balls of Fire and SummerSlam above this, but these two are 3 for 3 on good matches.
SWEET angle post-match. Nia’s coming for you, Alexa!
SMACKDOWN (8/29/17)
Lots of solid TV wrestling (7 MATCHES!), stuff that accomplished something, stuff that had hooks. SmackDown is still missing a lot but this week was a good step forward. Also helped that it felt like more of the roster was used than usual – except Mojo Rawley. Poor Mojo Rawley.
Plus, they are promoting a championship match TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE. This was the thing that this poor battered WWE fan got most excited about. Is SmackDown gonna heat up during Monday Night Football season while RAW falters, just like last year? Or — counterpoint: will it just continue to be shit?
There’s something to be said about Jinder Mahal being the great modern day heel for today’s WWE kind-of-sort-of smart mark; there’s something to also be said about me being completely over the whole shtick. Love the idea, but until it gets a little past Guy Reading a Script it’s losing me.
Shelton Benjamin just being slotted into a basic-ass tag team on his return is… kind of the best case scenario, isn’t it? Benjamin & Gable vs. The Ascension was the good stuff – massive over-the-top-rope bump by Gable, crowd got into the hot tag teases, and Benjamin got a good run at the end. Success.
Liked a lot about the Styles/Corbin/Dillinger U.S. Title Open challenge angle, from the chaos of the Corbin attacks to the AWESOME 90-seconds that was Styles vs. Dillinger. Tye was ALL fired up and AJ looked the best he looked since he opened Mania. Tye catching the Phenomenal forearm setup with the Tye Breaker was good stuff.
Counterpoint: JBL’s call of Dillinger answering the Open Challenger, a completely deadpan, “Tye Dillinger.” URRRGGGHHHH.
Bobby Roode vs. Mike Kanellis was a fine squash, Kanellis took everything like a champ and Roode had a superstar swagger to him. Plus, the camera shot for the Maria & Mike kiss on the return from commercial = beautiful.
I know wrestling is fake but Aiden English scheduled for action at the top of the second hour is the fakest bullshit. Still waiting for the Owens vs. Shane feud to actually click but the bit here was fun, what with Owens stealing the referee’s shirt and Sami Zayn getting involved. LOVE Aiden English’s insane theme music.
New Day vs. Usos was a fine Diet New Day vs. Usos match. Kofi did a DRAGON SLEEPER!
Natalya dissing Carmella by saying she might be the BARON CORBIN OF THE WOMEN’S DIVISION – OOOOOOOHHHH!!!!
I swear, decades from now, we will all look back on Tamina with such curiosity. How did it happen? How did we get here?
Fashion Files Back 2 Basics was the good stuff. The title/belt line was tremendous.
Orton/Nakamura vs. Jinder/Rusev was very much a Main Event Tag Team Match, not much to speak of. Randy’s running avalanche on the outside was pretty cool, and had a laugh at the flubbed apron DDT by Jinder. Orton RKO’s Nakamura to take us to next week.
205 LIVE (8/29/17)
It might be possible that 205 Live is an experiment. This might all be some brilliant Memphis wrestling show that would completely click in a studio or at least smaller setting, lights dimmed, free to hear the shouts of the crowd – “GET HIM, RICH! HE’S A LIAR!” – and not live after SmackDown in front of a perpetually confused slowly emptying crowd.
But, here we are.
Jack Gallagher vs. Brian Kendrick, No DQ, was an attempt at a violent brawl that didn’t really feel violent at all. 205 is such a mish-mash of things… high-flying, limb work, random grudge brawls. Match was mostly Jack beating Kendrick around the arena, and then Jack bled and it got kind of awkward as they’re pushing him as some tough guy and the docs spent a few minutes making sure his wound closed up. Then, Kendrick won. OK.
Swann vs. Daivari was a nothing 205 match. Post-match angle a nothing 205 angle. For all I know, this was a brilliant small arena angle. Definitely sucked here though.
The Enzo Amore Show 6-man was pretty fun, actually. Was Gulak keeping Cedric from a hot tag by hanging onto the SOLE OF HIS BOOT, though? That was goofy. Either way, Cedric did fun stuff. Metalik did fun stuff. Enzo did his thing. Gulak and Nese and Dar were the empty bases they were told to be. It worked.
NXT (8/30/17)
A good episode of NXT – seems to be some actual direction and people are starting to seem like they matter more. The freshness of Cole/Fish/O’Reilly adds to the fun, of course.
Drew McIntyre vs. Roderick Strong is no John Cena vs. Roman Reigns on the mic, that’s for sure. Not sure if it even touches Jinder vs. Nakamura.
Ruby Riot vs. Peyton Royce was a good match and after this and the Sarah Logan match, I finally get why Peyton is always called out by Performance Center graduates as one to watch. She’s finally got it all together – moves quick, everything has an attitude, and the beatings are intense. There was a knee she threw here that just made me so happy. She and Ruby got some nice near falls towards the end too. Very good.
Damien Aweel & Edwin Negron – what kinda jobber names were these!? Fun Heavy Machinery squash. They went up against The Authors of Pain WAY too early – more squashes like this, every other week please. Ohno/Machinery vs. Team ROH is something I could get behind eventually.
Strong and Roode are both a little too generic for me to fully buy in to them as an in-ring pairing and the Roode control stretch definitely lost me, but overall I dug their match. Liked Roddy just going on a RUN early – ass-kicking, backbreakers, Roode unable to keep up. Roode’s shit-talk and slap and Roddy finally getting comeuppance at the end was sweet too.
Good follow-up for Cole, O’Reilly and Fish too – I assume they were the mystery attackers of SAnitY at the start of the show, and they left the NXT champ lying at the end of the show. O’Reilly just bodying the security guy was sweet.
MAIN EVENT (8/30/17)
Alicia Fox vs. Dana Brooke was actually cool as hell for like a minute, with a really intense lock-up as if they were doing a Regal/Finlay tribute. Then it just kind of became a match and none of Dana’s gymnast spots looked all that good. Mustafa Ali vs. Ariya Daivari was the other match and all I really remember about this match is Mustafa Ali’s eyes on the comeback.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Peyton Royce vs. Ruby Riot – Sasha vs. Alexa had the main event spot and AJ vs. Dillinger was an amazing use of 90-seconds, but bell-to-bell Royce vs. Riot was the best.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: JOHN. CENA. The guy shook Roman Reigns so deep that he got the Big Dog to cut the promo of his life.
No GREAT matches but this was a solid week of WWE TV across the board. RAW had a few great segments and was paced well, while SmackDown and NXT seem to (hopefully) be finding their footing after a rough last few months.
RAW: 7/10
SmackDown: 7/10
205 Live: 4/10
NXT: 7/10
