As I write this, this is the oldest WWF show available on the Network.
It’s All-Star Wrestling from Madison Square Garden, hosted by Vince McMahon on Home Box Office!
Just adore the attention to detail in making this fake bullshit feel like a real sport. The judges are Matt Cooper, Dick Woerhle and Joe Ryder. It’s under the supervision and direction of the New York State Athletic Commission, Mr. Edward B. Dooley chairman. The attending physician is Dr. Edwin Campbell. Timekeeper and at the bell, Vincent Abbatiello. Referee Lou le Atta, wearing a dress shirt and slacks.
Love the bright blue ring and white ropes.
Half the fun with these shows is going spoiler-free and seeing what rando’s pop up, so maybe you shouldn’t even read this.
1. Blackjack Lanza vs. Lee Wong
Blackjack Lanza, introduced as BLACKJACK LA LANZA! Lee Wong, from Hong Kong, was the worst wrestler ever according to Stu Saks of PWI. He’s a pudgy guy in just trunks, no boots no pads. This is a squash match but a very awesome Blackjack Lanza performance. He’s a heel who completely owns the crowd… his tall stature and black glove just give him a star feel, they boo all his clean breaks and hang on every movement. He chokes Wong on the ropes, puts the glove over his mouth, drives his shoe into his forehead, chokes him without the ref seeing it, throws him into the turnbuckle, chokes him with a mic. Amazing. Wong then takes the worst bump to the outside, looking like he fell out completely on purpose, and Lanza gloves him to the death for the win. Good basic 5-minute Lanza squash with bad opposition. Lanza does jumping jacks post-match and it’s all worth it. *1/2
2. El Olympico vs. Toru Tanaka w/ The Grand Wizard
The one thing you need to know about this match is that it has a legit wrestling granny in the crowd. “Mrs. Krieger”, who the Internet tells me was an MSG mainstay, is an old lady who tells the Grand Wizard to kiss her ass and wipes away the salt Tanaka tosses into each corner to “chase the evil spirits away.” Early 70s wrestling, man. Olympico teases a punch off a headlock and crowd goes nuts – the folks had so much patience back in the day, the hard-selling of every move is such classic shit but only the true masters can get away with it and overcome today’s impatient wrestling fan. This match has a spot where Tanaka literally grabs Olympico’s tits and just holds him in it for 30 seconds. This was pretty ugly but the crowd was going NUTS so what do I know? *1/4
3. Gorilla Monsoon vs. Captain Lou Albano
WHAT A MATCH!! It’s announced as a Special Added Attraction, One Fall to a Finish, and I am AMPED. Cap’n Lou comes out in a satin jacket and tights over his belly-button to cover his gut, raising his arm and immediately shit-talking a guy wearing a vest and no shirt in the crowd. Monsoon, who is HUGE, charges past the ref ready to kick Lou’s ass. Lou IMMEDIATELY begins begging off. The rest of this is like a 2-minute angle with Gorilla beating on Lou, Lou thumbing an eye, Lou bleeding and escaping to the back. Crowd was hot as hell. *1/2
4. Victor Rivera vs. Black Gordman
Vince gets in a plug for bowling tournaments on Home Box Office pre-match. This match is basic as shit, Gordman is a boring old man, but the folks are HOT, and Victor Rivera has got some serious FIRE – armdragging Gordman, being all emotive with his hands, popping in spirited comebacks in between Gordman’s holds. There is a LONG sleeper hold here that made me wonder what was going through the crowd’s head, just silently watching a three-minute sleeper hold, only to go completely batty as Rivera fired off dropkicks. An inside cradle counter of a bodyslam wins it. **
5. 2/3 Falls: Joyce Grable & Jan Sheridan vs. Peggy Patterson & Dottie Downs
This is an attraction match, a lot like midget matches of the day with basic holds and comedy spots and a chance for folks to take a break. But it also went 20 god damn minutes. See this for their BIG blonde hair, Vince going “Two very pretty girls. Nice smiles” and wondering aloud if the ref is trying to get a date with them, Vince guessing Peggy Patterson’s weight. Tons of ultra-basic but perfectly acceptable wrestling spots kept this going, but jesus CHRIST is this a long match where not much happens. Crowd was hot for a lot on this evening but by the end they were just like alright seriously guys wrap this up. *3/4
6. WWWF Heavyweight Title: Pedro Morales [c] vs. George “The Animal” Steele
“From Detroit, Michigan, George The Animal Steele, no hair whatsoever on that ugly head of George Steele… but wait till he takes off his sweatshirt … he’s covered in hair!” This match RULES. So wonderfully old school. It’s worth watching for the crowd just going BONKERS for everything – Morales’ fire and Steele’s big corner bump is better than any wrestling in the last 20 years. The work is super simple and probably doesn’t play today but it is SO FUCKING OVER. Amazing mannerisms by both, Morales as the expressive big babyface seller with fire on comebacks and Steele as the lurching hairy heel, hunched over in the corner as Morales is down. Steele takes a few massive bumps and does such amazing begging off. Pedro punches Steele until he bleeds and the ref stops the match. ***3/4
7. Chief Jay Strongbow vs. Mr. Fuji
What a collision of guys who were old men just as Hulkamania was settling in. Lots of rope-running, an immobile but over face, an immobile but over heel. The crowd’s doing the Indian whoop-whoop thing. Fuji works the same tit hold Gordman did earlier, this time for about 2 minutes. Crowd’s HOT. This was fine for the characters and basic structure but nothing much overall. *3/4
8. Haystacks Calhoun vs. Moondog Mayne
A big dumb fat guy match, back in the day when you could send the fans home happy with that kinda thing. The ref tries to hold Haystacks back and his feet drag, and then Haystacks does all the tricks – hammers away, shakes his booty, lays in the corner for 90% of the match. Moondog Mayne meanwhile is pretty awesome – he’s SUCH a classic 80s heel, running out and growling at the crowd. Cracked me up seeing him basically back body drop himself. *1/4
Vince sign off like an old timey announcer, plugging a show with Shirley McClaine on HBO and saying they’ll be back Monday July the 30th. So long, everybody!
Fun for the curiosity but not much here outside of the crazy awesome Pedro/Steele match and the fun of Gorilla/Albano. 3/10
