Could have told me this wasn’t happening tonight and I would have been convinced the very idea of it was a figment of my imagination.
Renee trying to banter over insufferable chants. Oh man.
Remember when seeing who the next Stone Cold podcast guest was going to be was one of the most anticipated parts of WWE PPV’s?
Mike Kanellis’ jacket was incredible. Otherwise, the social media Q&A was a dogshit TNT Hearts & Flowers segment.
Someone has to do a breakdown of French commentary for each WWE PPV. I swear to god, the team gets progressively prettier and thanks to WWE creepier every show.
Man, you know what – this show was so tone deaf. Read the moment, WWE. Half the country is disappointed in America right now, so give them the chance to escape it. And the people who are going to be moved by American vs. foreign heel don’t want that anymore – they want American vs. shitbag liberal.
0. Tye Dillinger vs. Aiden English
Excellent cape on Aiden English. This was so basic, Aiden English is so undercard professional wrestling. WWE isn’t an undercard territory, but man do I dig thinking about the potential. Aiden pulling out a headbutt and kneeing Tye into the back to setup his offense was NICE. This hit all the notes you expect, and then, unexpectedly, Aiden English won. Not much but fine for what it was. **1/4
1. SmackDown Tag Team Title: The Usos [c] vs. The New Day (Big E & Xavier Woods) w/ Kofi Kingston
Usos are just out there being the best tag team in the world wearing camo pants and t-shirts. Classic but compelling stuff early – New Day doing chained-together babyface moves, Usos hammering away on and beating down Xavier. Once The Usos start taking it home there isn’t much better. The trust fall plancha is CAUGHT and Kofi is dropped on the floor with a powerbomb! Woods is out there doing Amazing Red shit in a WWE tag team title match! “GET YO’ ASS UP!” A toss samoan drop for a near fall! Xavier’s leap into the superkick! Jimmy just PULLING on the single-leg crab! The Midnight Hour near fall! The good god almighty Superkick > Superfly Splash near fall (and Jey’s reaction!)!! And finally the Trouble in Paradise and Xavier elbow and a happy ending for the folks. Hell of a tag match, Kofi and Woods can go but The Usos are on another level right now. ***1/2
2. Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin
Look – this wasn’t much. Thought it was fine for the Corbin character though. The guy isn’t here to entertain you. He’s Big John Studd, he’s big he’s angry and he thinks you’re lousy. “I’m doin’ pretty good, dummies!” Meanwhile, with Nak’s recent work output resembling a martial arts Andre the Giant, there’s something to be said about a Studd vs. Andre rounding out the card. They’re characters, man. The match won’t be “good,” but they’ll pop the crowd. And I think Nak popped the crowd a bit. That clothesline bump sure was wild. The Kinshasa was countered with a Deep Six! He kicked a lot!!! But that type of match is also usually a nothing shitburger, just like this was. *3/4
Nakamura holding his balls on the mat as his music hit though – classic.
3. Fatal 5-Way Elimination SmackDown Women’s Title #1 Contender Match: Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Tamina vs. Lana
Lana the only diva listening to Ryback. Hey, it was a 5-Way Elimination Match. Not exactly recipe for a classic. They did some moves and people laid down for a while and there were some cool spots – liked Lana’s tap on the Disarmer, Charlotte’s deadlift powerbomb. Have come a long way since years ago – now the women are able to have totally average WWE-style elimination matches. Natalya? **
4. WWE U.S. Title: AJ Styles [c] vs. Kevin Owens
It has not been a great year for AJ Styles and Kevin Owens. Haven’t been put in a lot of great positions since Mania, but even when it’s time to stand out it isn’t happening. So I thought this was the kind of match that needed to kill. They exchanged some holds, went outside, AJ took a shot to the balls on the post and it was onto the chinlocks and counters and near falls. KO throwing Styles into the ref and Byron’s shrek was pretty incredible. And then the finish was… what? What was that? What was AJ’s reaction? What HAPPENED? The work was fine, but there was a feeling of emptiness to it, perhaps due to SmackDown’s lacking the last few months, perhaps due to a moment starting to past these gentleman by. ***
5. Flag Match: John Cena vs. Rusev
This is the type of match John Cena makes fun of with his new Hollywood friends. Just a Rusev beatdown of John to silence along with some stupid gimmicky flag shit. And not fun stupid gimmicky flag shit either. Powerbomb counter of the legdrop did… not look good. John, you don’t need to be taking so many powerbombs, John. This just dragged on, didn’t it? Love Rusev, but would’ve preferred Big John just squashed his ass. **
Fashion Files: The Fashion X-Files
My god, it’s meta-comedy about angle letdowns. To Be Continued…
6. Sami Zayn vs. Mike Kanellis vs. Maria Kanellis
Is Mike Bennett’s wifebeater tan intentional? Hey this was pretty fun in a TV wrestling kinda way. Kanellis was throwing some nice boots. Zayn’s flying around is still one of the most beautiful things in wrestling. Liked how that finish came together. Solid stuff. **3/4
7. Punjabi Prison Match – WWE Title: Jinder Mahal [c] vs. Randy Orton w/ The Singh Brothers
Man, just love convoluted rules in pro wrestling. The Punjabi Prison theme! Indian picture-in-picture commentary for Jinder’s entrance! They were workin’ the gimmick early, both guys desperate to escape. And then they kept working it, along with some Jinder work over Randy’s shoulder, and I can’t say there was much there. Nice knee by Jinder after countering the RKO, I guess. Give it up for Samir Singh’s bump. Why did Jinder put his other foot into the cage for the Orton DDT? I had so many questions here. Can’t say the work really moved me though. Then The Great Khali returned, which is amusingly pretty cool until you remember this is the central angle on a show that has needed a real kick in the ass for a long time.
Look, Mahal is fine, but when put in a 3-PPV feud with Randy after you win the title – it’s not an easy spot, but you’re just gonna have to try harder. He feels like he’s more concerned with fitting in than standing out.
This was a WWE gimmick cage match. It happened. We watched. Time to move on. **3/4
Probably the worst WWE PPV of the year, some bright spots in-ring but the glaze of lifelessness all over SmackDown paid off with this forgettable turd. RAW’s big summer angle is RAW getting its shit together, SmackDown’s is The Great Khali. 2/10
