Remember The Rock?
Remember how cool it was to watch The Rock? That visceral, organic feeling that arose any time THE ROCK was about to enter the ring?
Or GOLDBERG? Whenever that drum beat started – the feeling not necessarily for what was happening, but what was about to come?
Or, fuck it, remember D’LO BROWN? Record scratch, “You’re lookin’ at the real deal now!” He was gonna come down to the ring and SHAKE HIS HEAD.
I was 11 or 12 around the time this stuff happened, around the same age most people obsessing over wrestling into their adulthood on the Internet were. That type of reaction and connection didn’t exactly disappear as I headed into my teens and 20s, but it became different. It wasn’t about the crazy fun silly shit that was about to occur – a Rock promo, a Goldberg spear, a D-Lo head shake. It was about the WRESTLING. And the WRESTLERS who were going to get a PUSH because they are the best WRESTLERS.
I flipped for Eddie Guerrero beating Brock, CM Punk’s rise up the card, Daniel Bryan’s coronation.
But I’m trying to think about the last time in my adult years I felt that pure, child-like glee, that understanding that I am about to see something REALLY FUCKING COOL. I think it was The Shield. The god damn Shield. That ANTICIPATION of AWESOME. Beyond that, nothing’s coming to mind.
Until…
BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN
RAW (6/19/17)
Decent first hour, iffy second hour, HOT third hour – fun show.
This a show that was mostly about moving things forward – Roman wants the Universal Title, Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel are now with The Miz, Big Cass turned on Enzo Amroe, and – BRAAUUUUNNN!!! It was also a show that did some things well – Samoa Joe continuing to get love en route to Brock, Samson and Balor having themselves a feud, the Titus Brand, Joe vs. Reigns being awesome. Even Bayley got a big pop.
Roman promo / Big SummerSlam announcement was good stuff, as Roman basically just cut through the bullshit and did a heel promo. That confrontation with Joe got REAL. Samoa Joe, the Lost Samoan. Very much enjoying Joe now giving everybody headbutts – Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, this is a man that gives no fucks.
Hardys vs. Gallows & Anderson was a basic OK match with a weird finish. Jeff sold and the crowd cared. Karl Anderson took a fun bump in the corner. Jeff Hardy might have been late on a save for the Boot of Doom. It happened. It was on my TV.
Elias Samson is a good promo. “Hold on, I’m gonna need to tune my guitar.”
Aggressive Bo Dallas vs. Finn Balor was fun – Bo kicked some ass, Balor got a receipt with an ass-kicking of his own. It was a match that DID something, making this new young feller Finn Balor struggle a bit before wrecking his opponent. And it also reminded you that Bo Dallas still existed.
The payoff was neat but oh MAN what a lame promo battle between Seth Rollins and Bray Wyatt. What are these two saying? What are they doing? Hey guys, I’m in a video game! Hey, you’re a conformist! Yeah well you’re a coward! LIGHTS OUT. PLANCHAAAA!!! WTF, wrestling?
Can we give it up for Corey Graves? Nailing it.
Finn Balor backstage interview and Elias Samson attack was sweet. Charly’s gasp on the Elias attack sold it, and LOL @ the crowd reacting to D-Von.
Titus O’Neil playing ring announcer was an amazing way to start a wrestling match. But Tozawa vs. TJP was not a very good wrestling match. It was just the kind of thing you scroll through your phone during. This lasted like over half of hour 2, incredible.
Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe was AWESOME. Two big Samoan motherfuckers having themselves a fight, with Roman Reigns doing that thing where he sells his ass off and the crowd is buzzing and all the big near falls are timed so well. Samoa Joe was fucking great here too, just being a mean physical motherfucker assaulting Reigns. Liked this from the very start – Reigns’ timing and looks on the early shoulderblock exchange, Reigns escaping the Kokina and Joe calling him back into the ring, Roman talking shit and rocking out after the Drive-By. Reigns is a dude who does some incredible wrestling SEQUENCES, timed so god damn well. Like, check this out: Uranage attempt by Joe > Reigns armdrags out > Reigns Superman punch for 2 > Reigns tries the spear but Joe blocks it with a kick > Joe finally hits the uranage for a big near fall. SO. GOOD. THESE ARE THE THINGS I CHERISH IN MY OLD MAN WRESTLING FANDOM. SMOOTH, WELL-TIMED, SEQUENCES. Roman hit the spear and Samoa By God Joe actually got his FOOT ON THE ROPE, then rolled outside to sell – amazing.
And then – BRAUN STROWMAN RETURNED IN A FUCKING AMBULANCE!!! And he continued to be one of the only things WWE gets absolutely PERFECTLY. The POP! He SCREAMED!!!! “They told us he’d be out for six months!” Joe got a distracted Reigns in the Kokina and Reigns’ sell of that thing was AMAZING, desperately trying to escape, and then Joe WON. He BEAT ROMAN REIGNS. Then Braun challenged Roman to an Ambulance Match at Great Balls of Fire and holy shit I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. BRRAUUUUUNNNNNN, you have been missed.
Fun little angle with MizTV with Maryse, Ambrose ruining the party, and Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel kicking ass in bear costumes, revealing themselves a part of Miz’ new Entourage. I hope it’s an entourage. I really do. Bo and Axel seem prime to join a long line of folks who have become super over affiliated with The Miz, only to crash and burn when detached. We shall see.
Did Miz hit a Yakuza kick?
Cesaro & Sheamus vs. Titus & Apollo was a fine squash for the tag champs, with Apollo and Titus getting their shit in here and there.
Man, do they have NOTHING for the RAW women right now. Yeesh. At least Bayley got a pop.
BIG TIME promo and angle with Big Cass. The reveal was a little lame – I mean these guys went all out with the whodunnit and security footage – but that was an absolutely money performance by Colin Cassiday. I’M THE STAR HERE, I’M THE FUTURE, I’M WHERE THE MONEY IS. Long live Enzo & Big Cass, who probably deserved one actual RUN but were a fun team en route to Big Fucking Cass doing his thing. It’s been a little while since Monday Night RAW had a nice turn as a final angle. Oh god, they’ve gotta do a follow-up. Oh god…
SMACKDOWN (6/20/17)
When did they take out the bass beat post-F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S in Carmella’s theme song so you couldn’t hear the crippling silence? They should’ve kept it in, because now all you’re going to hear is HEAT. I mean these guys did it – no, I’m sorry, SHE did it. This WOMAN did it. CARMELLA absolutely mercifully crushed Tuesday night. I had no idea if Carmella would work on the main roster, from her NXT days to her awkward start on SmackDown. The Nikki Bella feud was good, the Ellsworth pairing was great, and the little Money in the Bank angle they have going is AWESOME. “How can you break a rule if there are none?” So confident, so disingenuous, so F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.
Big E vs. Jimmy Uso was… a match during a tag team feud.
This was a show in which Randy Orton threatened bodily harm on at least two-hundred Indian people.
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Dolph Ziggler was the good stuff. I liked how REAL they kept this – all grappling, kicks, and knees… no time to be some mark pro wrestler. Nakamura’s selling was really good here too – a lot of “aw fuck my mouth hurts.” Oh and they dropped the pyro for Nak’s intro!
CHAD GABLE IS ALIVE!! And he had a fun match with Kevin Owens in a U.S. Title Open Challenge, which is something I hope sticks around as the KO character desperately needs a kick in the ass. Gable was bumping his little heart out – the throw to the outside, the slam into the post. He got a lot in on KO too, throwing Germans and applying ankle locks like he was doing Kurt Angle cosplay at a Comic-Con. The Chaos Theory German was awesome too and got a nice near fall. The match felt unique – SmackDown’s got a solid roster but it’s still a show that is (rightly) cautious about pairing guys up too often and blowing through stuff. But, still – Tyler Breeze vs. Sami Zayn, Big E vs. Kevin Owens, Tye Dillinger vs. Owens… let’s get weird.
Sami Zayn and Tye Dillinger did a promo for Sonic milkshakes because fuck it.
The show-long angle with all the Money in the Bank participants asking Daniel Bryan to reverse the Carmella decision wasn’t much outside of Becky’s sweet impassioned babyface promo. The Bryan promo taking away the briefcase from Carmella and announcing a Money in the Bank match for next week was good stuff, what with Bryan doing the YES! thing for the first time in months and Ellsworth’s shittiness and Carmella’s tears. Tamina repeating the “you’re gonna look like Ellsworth” line was SO cringe though, arggghhhh.
Who the fuck is Luke Harper? Is this the same guy I thought was going to main event WrestleMania? Him vs. Jinder Mahal wasn’t a bad house show midcard match, but Jinder is nowhere close to being a reliable main event heel champ working randoms in the main event. Why trot Luke, who needs some tender loving care, out and use him to put over the new top champ, who himself needs more tender loving care?
Old SmackDown would’ve put Jinder vs. Tye Dillinger and made a 2-week angle out of it. I dunno about this New SmackDown.
TALKING SMACK (6/20/17)
Daniel Bryan is back on Talking Smack and therefore it is must-see. It’s not even about him name-dropping Yuji Nagata, or the fact that he kissed a skeleton that The New Day brought on set. It’s the fact that it is still possible to watch this Bryan Danielson guy on a weekly television show being the closest possible thing in WWE to an actual human being. Plus he bantered with AJ Styles for a bit, and Carmella cried again. Amazing.
205 LIVE (6/20/17)
Not a terrible episode. Tony Nese vs. Jack Gallagher was OK, even if Jack didn’t land on his head for the turnbuckle spot that set up the finish. Sit-up thing Nese did was cool though.
Ariya Daivari as rich Arab guy not good, Daivari as rich and spoiled Saudi prince much better.
Mustafa Ali vs. Drew Gulak was a decent match with two guys I like that I’ve already forgotten about.
Is this alliance thing with Aries and Jack, or the will they/won’t they with Swann and TJP going anywhere? 205 Live should do a Cruiserweight Tag Classic.
The Neville vs. Rich Swann main event was good. When you get a 205 Live crowd bumping for your match, you done real good. Neville was his fun asshole self, but Swann impressed me here – all aggressive early, and selling this throughout like it was the match of his life. There was a lot of cool shit, but both guys also had to fight for everything and it felt weirdly realistic. Hot finish too.
NXT (6/21/17)
I’m not sure about this show. On the one hand, it told some stories – Ember Moon is ready for another shot, Roode vs. Roddy is getting personal, Ohno and Itami ’bout to fight. Sonya Deville and SAnitY had themselves some squashes. But, I dunno. Kind of an empty hour of WWE Network programming.
Ember Moon vs. Peyton Royce hit the notes it needed to, might have been a better match layout than an actual match: Ember’s back, Billie helps Peyton hurt Ember’s arm, Ember sets up Eclipse and Billie pulls Peyton out, Ember kicks out of Widow’s Peak, Peyton takes a fun bump off the Eclipse. Mostly worked.
Guess I liked the idea of Eric Young and Alexander Wolfe cutting off The Ealy Brothers finish with a neckbreaker but fuck SAnitY. Glad Killian Dain and Nikki Cross seem to be branching out.
Sonya Deville had herself a squash and I like the idea and I liked the punches to the gut but nobody’s selling the MMA gimmick enough, especially her.
Marina Shafir is probably a more compelling NXT Title contender than Roderick Strong but here we are. They sure are trying with Roode vs. Roddy, now getting the wife and the kid involved. I’m into it.
Kassius Ohno vs. Aleister Black was stiff, credible, and boring. Sweet finish though. Liked a lot of this – workin’ HOLDS, Black’s LOOK when Ohno did the sit-down pose, Black catching Ohno’s fist, all the times they hit each other hard and stuff. But like most of Ohno’s NXT stuff it didn’t connect. I think it’s the jersey. Someone needs to talk to him about the jersey.
MAIN EVENT (6/21/17)
Alright Rhyno vs. Kalisto is the kind of thing Main Event Match Worth Watching was made for. What in the blue hell was this!? Rhyno and Kalisto get thrown out there good guy vs. good guy and instead of Rhyno heeling it up he decides to be an absolute goofball and it is incredible. He WOOOO’s, he yells I’M THE MAN! He does the LU-CHA! LU-CHA! thing! He does a god damn truck horn taunt and yells “RHYNO FOREVER!” Plus he takes a flying headscissors and a frankensteiner and puts Kalisto over clean. So unique, and so beyond the typical Main Event trash. God bless Rhyno.
Is Gran Metalik WWE’s attempt at something going viral? We just got this Luchador doing cool shit on Hulu dot com and maybe somebody will notice. Pretty formula match with Tony Nese this week, though if you’re seeing it for the first time ya might just flip out.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Easily Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe and their beautiful sweaty dramatic hoss fight, but you should seriously watch Rhyno vs. Kalisto too.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: In a week that had Roman Reigns making his SummerSlam announcement, Braun Strowman returning to Monday Night RAW in an ambulance, and Big Cass turning on Enzo Amore, it was the Princess of Staten Island, Carmella, that had everybody talking.
A pretty good week of WWE TV mostly due to RAW being crazy eventful and SmackDown, despite being so-so, having some real fun stuff – Nak vs. Ziggler, the Carmella angle, and Chad Gable returning from the dead. 205 Live and NXT were super eh though.
RAW: 7/10
SmackDown: 6/10
205 Live: 5/10
NXT: 4/10
