Ah yes, it’s dumb season in WWE. All the inconsistencies and flaws with week-to-week WWE storytelling naked and bare for everyone to see, since there’s no bright shiny object to distract us.
We’ll get through this.
RAW (5/29/17)
Some good wrestling (Rollins/Reigns was a heck of a main event) and solid angles (Corey Graves intrigue), also some stupid bullshit (cruiserweights, This is Your Life). Average show that rarely hooked me.
First of all what have I been missing on Chrisley Knows Best? Last minute of show has got their kid wearing a wrestling championship, mom and dad walk in ask about his belt, he responds, “It’s not a belt, it’s a title.” Does Chrisley kid have an Observer subscription?
Show started OK with the midcard title feuds being combined into one big solid 6-man promo and tag team match. Promo was alright, though I miss SmackDown Miz. SmackDown Miz felt like The Miz was doing his own thing, even if he wasn’t – RAW Miz feels like The Miz fulfilling his contractual obligations. Let’s give it up for the Mizanin’s attire though – Maryse’s studded necklace and belt, Miz’ crazy-person hood. Sometimes when the show is boring ya gotta look deep and appreciate the little things. Dean and The Hardys got MAJOR pops for their entrances, and them jumping together was a LAUGH.
Hardys/Dean vs. Miz/Cesaro/Sheamus was real basic stuff that mostly worked. Couple highlights outside of the usual rasslin – Sheamus’ knee (this time to the top rope) remains incredible, though I wonder if Rollins is worried that he just intro’d a new finish and Sheamus is in the midcard making him look like a puss. Cesaro took a reverse Flair corner bump to the outside because he’s a crazy man. The Miz desperately reaching for Dean as he hit the tope was awesome. Liked Dean’s hot tag too. So solid.
HEY!!! What is that? Is it INTRIGUE!? Do I sense some INTRIGUE on Monday Night RAW? Little thread through the show was them giving Corey Graves stuff to do. First he stirred some shit with Kurt Angle, showing him texts of someone bad-mouthing him, a bad-mouthing so bad Kurt thought it could “ruin him.” Thought Cole doing his usual hard-sell of upcoming stuff and Corey not responding, distracted by the texts, was pretty cool and outside of the box for these folks.
Then, Corey alluded that Big Cass might be the guy who attacked Enzo Amore last week and now this week, so Cass confronted him about it – Corey calmed the big fella down though, and shook his hand. Of course, as some of the Internet’s finest sleuths noted, last week Corey had said he wanted to shake the hand of the guy attacking Enzo. Is Corey that guy at work always gossiping and starting bullshit? FOCUS ON THE TASK AT HAND, GRAVES.
The Drifter had a squash! And his song got heat! And he does a flying armbar! And Zac Evans made him look pretty good! A wrestling television win all-around.
Finn Balor vs. Samoa Joe vs. Bray Wyatt in a Triple Threat felt like something I’d book in WWE 2k17 and in some cases that’s fun but in this case it was a bit of a cluster. Finn was pretty fun to watch and the action was solid but this never got me.
Nothing Rich Swann/Noam Dar match – could have sworn it was mixed tag until I re-read results. Week like 28 of a feud where ya just put your palm on the side of your face, elbow on table, and just exhale slowly.
Titus vs. Kalisto match that DID SOMETHING! YEAH! Titus took some flippy shit, then used his POWER to win. YEAH!!! Was Apollo prepping to do the Millions of Dollars dance when Titus was going for the selfie?
Freakin’ embarrassing This Is Your Life segment, yikes. Only Alexa could potentially carry something like this but it was BAD. Doesn’t build sympathy for Bayley, boring, classic WWE humor that’s not really designed for anyone in particular and thus doesn’t hit. Why are they are booking Bayley like she’s George The Animal Steele or some shit? BAD.
Decent cruiserweight tag in Aries/Gallagher vs. Neville/TJP (big surprise), just kind of lifeless for a while (big surprise). There’s nothing to this feud anymore, man.
Love that WWE goes all out when it’s time to give Goldust and R-Truth of all people steam. They did it when they were setting up the team; they’re doing it with the split too. Love Goldy, it’s just funny how much effort goes into this. Does this go anywhere? Is Dustin getting a run? I will tell you this – I would completely un-ironically be all about Goldust vs. Roman Reigns.
Seth Rollins vs. Roman Reigns main event was very good, bordering at points on VERY good. Seth and Roman typically have good matches together, though they don’t seem to have the chemistry to get to great. I blame Rollins – not snug enough to go toe-to-toe with the Big Dog, not willing to ragdoll himself to make it any fun. Still though, lots to like here – early stuff mostly made sense (Roman over-powering Seth, Seth out-wrestling Roman), Rollins’ sold the ribs alright, and the finish was tremendous. Two awesome Superman Punches here, one catching Seth off a springboard and one being hit in desperation off a buckle bomb – both had the folks out of their SEATS. And that finish … couple near falls for Seth, Phoenix splash miss but Seth rolls through, Reigns goes for spear but Seth kicks him, Reigns punches Seth, Seth enzuigiri, Seth goes for the knee finish but Reigns gets the SPEAR!!
Ahhh yessir.
SMACKDOWN (5/30/17)
Some good wrestling (Nakamura/Zayn vs. Owens/Corbin, AJ vs. Ziggler) and solid angles (women’s brawl, Usos/New Day confrontation), also some stupid bullshit (Nakamura mystique being ruined by the week, Orton hawking American Way). Average show that rarely hooked me.
Pre-show promos for all the ladies was fun, even if they were so cardboard basic. This is a show that had a Tamina promo.
Jinder Mahal as the first guy in SmackDown opening video is wild. Living proof that sometimes ya just need the machine behind ya.
WWE’s Resident Rock Star, The Artist Known As Shinsuke Nakamura meanwhile is living proof that sometimes ya really don’t need the machine behind ya.
Am I supposed to appreciate Kevin Owens for being a legit boring unlikable heel in 2017 or is him doing Jericho 2010 cadence in a t-shirt in 2017 just total shit?
Baron Corbin sounded really dumb delivering the Cartman joke but him being dumb is also kind of the point.
One more observation about the opening promo: WHY IN THE FUCK IS SHINSUKE NAKAMURA BASICALLY READING LINES IN FRONT OF A WWE CROWD SO MUCH? IT’S WEIRD. STOP IT. TELLING OWENS AND CORBIN THEY LOST RECENTLY. HE’S A STATISTICIAN NOW!? HE CAN RECALL THINGS? THAT’S WHAT WE ARE GOING WITH?
The Nakamura/Zayn vs. Corbin/Owens tag was very good. Only about 10-minutes, but the kind of match Nakamura should be having if you’re throwing him out there every week now. Zayn taking the heat this week as opposed to Nakamura last week was much more interesting. Nak’s not Great Muta he’s not AJ Styles he might be Andre the Giant. Come for the entrance, stay for the finishing stretch signatures and the quarterly great match. Lots of highlights here – the tornado DDT powerslam counter from Zayn/Corbin, Zayn’s awesome Blue Thunder Bomb to set up the hot tag and Corbin taking Nakamura out so he couldn’t get it, Zayn going after Corbin, Zayn’s selling in general. It might just be that Sami Zayn is very good. I did enjoy watching Corbin and Owens perfect the art of doing nothing during the picture-in-picture commercial break. Finish saw Owens and Corbin collide and argue, cuz we gotta Money in the Bank match coming up, and Nak hitting the KINSHAAASAAAA for the 3.
God damn was The Usos/New Day thing an awesome promo. I’m not all in on them in a feud as I think New Day needs to do something more interesting than being goofy New Day who are Tag Gods of another show, especially one with a such a small division, but what do I know. I like New Day, a lot actually, but them doing their thing within the confinements of current weekly WWE programming can get grating.
The promo was great though. Love the Usos’ new thing where they repeat lines – “little bit,” “nope.” E getting lifted up by Woods and Kofi for the New Day entrance. Woods’ shouting out his mom in the crowd. Usos’ “OVER HERE JUST SKIPPIN.” New Day being legitimately appalled and offended at Usos referencing Old Yeller. Woods’ “HONEYYYY… THAT’S SO CUTE. With your little hats and hoodies.” A classic PROMO BATTLE, it was glorious.
Noir Fashion Files, tremendous. Cheers all around.
Alright the women’s segment – Charlotte, Becky, Natalya, Carmella, and Tamina coming out for a match, and instead just beating the fuck out of each other on the outside before the bell could ring – was AWESOME. If the bell HAD rang we’re looking at a lot of stars, people. This was a BRAWL. A gritty, nasty, little bit goofy BRAWL. All the WWE women are very underrated chaotic brawlers in general. Charlotte’s moonsault! Carmella’s dive! An Exploder on the floor! Natalya just TAKING that bump in the stairs. And then just TAKING that table bump. This was great. Money in the Bank could be a blast. Could also be a total clusterfuck but I am hoping for blast.
Colons vs. Breeze was a match building to a water gun spot – many ways to do that, this just felt lazy. Otherwise Breezango is becoming a fairly competent comedy tag team. It might just work, or it might just be a tiny blip on their way to either superstardom or irrelevancy.
According to Randy Orton, “the American Way is not talking about it but just going out there and doing it” – NO! NO RANDY! They SHOULD’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT! WE SHOULD ALL BE TALKING ABOUT ALL OF IT! EVERYTHING! ALL THE TIME! Like, you should’ve been like, “Hey, man. What if I pooped in that chick’s bag?” And you would hope at least ONE person would have been like, “I don’t know. I don’t think you should do that.”
We are now at the point of the Randy/Jinder feud where Randy is threatening WWE Champion Jinder Mahal with a racially-tinged beatdown. Look – I’m a wrestling fan, I’ve seen latent racism in wrestling done right, I’ve even seen some straight-up racism in wrestling done right, but WWE is in absolutely no position to do it right. Just feels out of touch and gross.
Did love the endless clapping by the Singh Brothers at the end of Jinder’s promo though. That was good.
I don’t think AJ Styles vs. Dolph Ziggler was any good for a bit. I have a large blind spot for AJ, and this still had a lot of good action and some fun spots (the suplex into the turnbuckle, the Calf Crusher roll-through), AND the finish was pretty sweet (Dolph trips AJ on the springboard and hits a superkick), but I dunno. It was an OK match. That’s about it.
TALKING SMACK (5/30/17)
Shane as host and them doing that thing where they pack all the women on-screen and they talk over each other and then Dolph Ziggler. Awww maaaan. Not great.
205 LIVE (5/30/17)
WWE has finally provided a weekly showcase for good performers of smaller stature, finally provided a place for long-term 2-3 month stories… and it absolutely sucks.
Lot to pick on 205 Live for but this was another show with decent enough stuff that just had no life to it.
Rich Swann vs. Noam Dar was painfully uninteresting, two guys trying hard but working a formula match in the confines of a dead-ass story. Sasha Banks is not saving this, though her and Alicia having themselves a shoot fight was probably best thing on the whole 205 Live run.
Pretty cool little squash for Cedric, just a couple minutes long but Cedric’s fun to watch and Corey Hollis was a game enhancement guy.
Mustafa Ali vs. Drew Gulak was alright … pretty amazing dive by Ali to kick it off, Gulak didn’t even put his hands up and Ali landed right on him. Had some Ali dishing out a beating, some Gulak going after the knee, Gulak stealing a win. Gulak gimmick is great, love Mustafa Ali, but… 205 Live, man.
Kevin Dunn must have been getting off in the truck with all those replays during the Austin Aries promo. Promo was okay, but the Neville beatdown was pretty sweet – forcing Aries to bend the knee was awesome. Mad King Neville is an all-timer, but…
NXT (5/31/17)
Liked the new show intro (the third NXT intro in six months… thinking emoji). Reminded me of the old Attitude Era RAW theme and opener – the shit you about to watch is gonna be CRAAAAAZY!
There sure were a lot of smiles in that crowd of folks angry at Tommaso Ciampa. Perhaps this is just the future. It was a good promo. Ciampa was suitably douchey and angry. A fine follow-up to a big heel turn. Hope they can keep the momentum until Ciampa’s recovery.
Pete Dunne vs. Danny Burch was a blast of a TV match. Outside of maybe Roman Reigns or AJ Styles, Dunne is officially my favorite guy to watch wrestle for the WWE. And Danny does something cool every time he shows up, a rare enhancement guy that has credibility. This was good stuff… physical, credible, exciting. Liked the early holds and chain-wrestling followed by Burch snapping Pete’s finger followed by Pete giving him a LOOK and things getting real. Awesome finish too… X-Plex, enzuigiri’s, Burch near falls, Bitter End.
Fun little beatdown by Andrade Almas on Cezar Bononi (that’s gonna have to change), and then WHOA! Bononi won! Almas not giving a fuck about the loss is neat, but a WWE-produced version of an Ungovernable is probably gonna be weird. In WWE land is not giving a fuck an asset, or is it just lazy?
The Roderick Strong/Kassius Ohno vs. SAnitY (Young & Wolfe) tag was alright and the No Way Jose return was cool, but there’s just something missing from all of these acts. No energy, it’s just a match playing a part as a main event between guys playing the part of a midcard because NXT has to have a midcard now, which is a step in the right direction but also feels very empty. None of the good guys are getting enough in-ring runs for anyone to care about them, and SAnitY is just a void of a heel team.
MAIN EVENT (5/31/17)
A couple of perfectly decent Main Event matches, with an unfortunate end to one of them. Lince Dorado vs. Drew Gulak was an ordinary solid match between two guys I like, though Lince did look a little off at points… and then he hurt himself doing a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and the ref stopped the match. Main Event is a funny thing, as WWE has an international TV deal to satisfy so they’re taping two matches and don’t give a shit what happens. Same deal with Darren Young a few months ago… match just stops and everybody feels weird. Drew’s YAAAAA to celebrate was a nice recovery for a very confused crowd.
Rhyno/Slater vs. Bo Dallas/Curt Hawkins was the other match. Bo is growing his hair out like he’s about to get a run with the Wyatt Family. This was a match that featured the words, “An alliance with Curt Hawkins could be exactly what Bo Dallas needed.” Totally decent stuff here, building to the eternally over Rhyno hot tag.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins from RAW was top shelf.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Roman Reigns is not just a Big Dog, he’s a Work Horse. AHHHHH YESSIR
Super average week of TV… again, dumb season WWE. Lots of holding patterns. Lots of eye-rolling stuff, lots of painfully uninteresting stuff. But some good stuff too. Reigns vs. Rollins and the Corey stuff were highlights for RAW. Women’s brawl and Usos/New Day promo were highlights for SmackDown.
RAW: 5/10
SmackDown: 5/10
205 Live: 3/10
NXT: 5/10
