RED LIGHT
GREEN LIGHT
EVERYBODY TAKE A SHOT
RED LIGHT
GREEN LIGHT
GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU GOT
As cheesy as the tagline was, I thought this show was exactly as promised: the Ultimate Thrill Ride. It was so BIG – the presentation made it feel that way, and for once didn’t overwhelm the wrestling, as almost everything delivered in-ring. It was a stacked show with big match after big match. I leaped out of my seat and reacted with sheer unabashed glee at so many things – Neville’s bumping, Shane’s Shooting Star, the Hardys return, Jeff’s crazy ladder bump, Steph going through the table, and Brock’s leap over Goldberg’s spear among them.
It had its’ faults… the length among them. I mean pro wrestling is one of the only things that can keep me interested for seven straight hours, but towards hour five or six this was getting scary. Some of the peaks hit maybe too early too – loved Aries vs. Neville, AJ vs. Shane, the Hardys pop, the ENGAGEMENT~! – but then a lot of stuff struggled to keep up after that. The WWE’s homogeneity reared its head too – there were a lot of matches and though most were good to great, a lot felt the same. Any match here would’ve been really good on its own, but on a 7-hour show with one after another it was hard to stand out, especially when most WWE folks work your standard WWE-style match and don’t really work it around their character traits. Regardless – every single match was either good or had something good in it. A talented roster, so many of them, got sent out there in a huge stadium on a massive crazy stage to do their thing. The fruits of NXT’s labor paid off in Orlando.
The set was incredible too. Yeah the ramp was long, but man did they show off all the wrestlers well – everybody looked like a STAR. Plus, I LOVE a tunnel in pro wrestling.
And the firework gimmicks were cool as shit.
The Kickoff Show was alright, a solid couple hours of wrestling matches and background noise while bullshitting with friends. Unlike last year the crowd filled up fast, so the Kickoff matches got the reactions they deserved. The panel was pretty trash, to be honest – everybody seemed terrified about having to banter for two hours. Shawn Michaels seemed positively catatonic. The video packages were pretty tedious too, but points for keeping the wrestling moving along. Aries/Neville came on early and it didn’t ever feel like a super long time without ACTION!
0. WWE Cruiserweight Title: Neville [c] vs. Austin Aries
I thought this was so good. Not like it’s got much competition, but the best cruiserweight match in WrestleMania history, and for my money the best one period since the CWC. Helped that it felt like a straight-up junior heavyweight match too – this wasn’t go-go-go but it also wasn’t your resthold-heavy 205-type match. These guys got 15 minutes and when they were going balls out it was awesome, but when they had a quiet moment they had the goodwill of the fans to take their time and bring things up again. Everything here had a little extra stank on it – the sequences were quicker, Neville’s bumps (the one on the tope!) and strikes (those boots to Aries’ face!) were bigger, and the crowd was loving them some Austin Aries. Just sheer insanity that Aries was not just opening up Mania, but super over. Guy teased once THEN delivered the headstand > dropkick spot. The confidence of this man!! Lots of other highlights… Aries’ tope countered by a kick to the face, the build to Neville’s German and Aries’ crazy neck bump on it, Aries’ Frankensteiner to Last Chancery, Neville using an eye rake on Aries (not just playing off of Aries’ injury, but using Aries’ own “I’d poke him in the eye” advice), and Aries pulling out the 450 splash for an amazing near fall – SUCH a Mania moment. Plus, I just love watching wrestling matches in daylight in a stadium. The cruiserweights have come a long way, baby. ****
0. Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal (Featuring: Big Show, Braun Strowman, Sami Zayn, Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler, Jason Jordan, Chad Gable, Rhyno, Heath Slater, Mojo Rawley, Apollo Crews, Kalisto, Sin Cara, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Goldust, R-Truth, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas, Titus O’Neil, Jinder Mahal, Fandango, Tyler Breeze, Konnor, Viktor, Aiden English, Simon Gotch, Primo, Epico, Curt Hawkins, Tian Bing, Luke Harper and Killian Dain)
Welp. Killian Dain and Rob Gronkowski sharing a ring was not something I ever expected to see. This was silly fun but man was it laid out WEIRD. Felt like they had the Gronk moment planned and said fuck it, the rest of this isn’t canon. No real stories or special moments here outside of the finish… it got to where it needed to but in a pretty lame way. It’s a work guys, you can at least try and make it fun. Sami Zayn was probably the best part of this, at least he showed some fire. Him jumping Braun and staring him down after the elimination was nice. But Braun being eliminated so soon… man. Like, OK, you want Mojo to win to get the Gronk press – that’s fine. Braun can easily get some steam again. But, like, no Braun/Gronk staredown? Or even Harper/Gronk? JINDER? You did it with Jinder!? So a Patriot beat up an Indian and a confused woman tried to stop him from doing it – THIS WAS A MATCH ABOUT TRUMP. **
0. WWE Intercontinental Title: Dean Ambrose [c] vs. Baron Corbin
Not a very hot take but yeah, this felt like a lower-end SmackDown Live match – that’s not terrible or anything but this just didn’t have much energy and wasn’t anything memorable. Felt like the match two guys WOULD have if they just got told they were doing the Kickoff. Good solid brawl but the crowd not buying in brought it down. Ambrose’s corner bump to the back, Corbin’s shoulder corner bump, and the loony lariat countered with a boot were highlights. A solid match that probably won’t be looked back on very fondly. **3/4
The New Day in-ring promo introducing WrestleMania
Xavier’s hair! Kofi’s hat! They kind of sort of referenced the Paige situation at a WrestleMania! This was fine.
1. Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
This was so awesome. AJ Styles is the best. Shane McMahon is over, and good enough for how over he is. A good wild match and memorable WrestleMania spectacle rolled into one. Start was so strong – AJ out-wrestling Shane, Shane out-wrestling AJ (and the crowd actually buying it), AJ and Shane doing each others poses, and finally AJ, exasperated, asking “Are we fightin’ or are we wrestlin’!?” Was surprised how much straight-up wrestling there was, and more surprised how much it worked. I mean there’s a special suspension of disbelief that comes with Shane McMahon wrestling (and out-wrestling) AJ Styles, but it both kind of worked and also showed off the sheer craziness that is professional wrestling. Then, after the wrestling, it got nuts. This may have been one of the first times a ref bump got a massive pop versus a groan as it meant things were about to get crazy. It bizarrely became some kind of hate-filled brawl with bad punches and then had Shane McMahon becoming a mixed martial arts submission expert and everything fucking WORKED. Shane took a table bump, because of course. The springboard 450 countered with a gogoplata from Shane was so great, as was the one-armed Styles Clash – so impressive, so awesome, so WrestleMania. Great near falls near the end, capped off with the Coast to Coast. Then Shane busts out a Shooting Star Press, which was a pretty awesome Shane-O-Mac move versus a Shane-O-Mac jump. This was exactly what it needed to be and a total blast. ****
2. WWE U.S. Title: Chris Jericho [c] vs. Kevin Owens
I liked a lot of this match, but can’t see myself eager to watch it again in the future. Classic liked it didn’t love it situation. Lots of highlights here though – KO’s pop and Jericho’s light-up scarf, them just punching each other in the head a lot early versus the usual feeling out process bullshit, lots of cool spots and counters (the build to and payoff of the Lionsault, Owens’ cannonball countered with the Walls, the pop-up powerbomb to the Codebreaker), KO talking shit (“YOU WERE NEVER MY BEST FRIEND!”). Owens’ finger rope break was tremendous. Everything hit well and the crowd was into it – maybe needed more ugly brawling than it had. Honestly not sure how Chris Jericho survives to this day – guy is doing backflips and taking apron powerbombs while pushing 50, god bless DDP Yoga. He can’t go like he used to and KO isn’t like amazing working this kind of straight-up wrestling match, but it was still good stuff. Assuming they do a bigger hardcore match at a future PPV. ***1/4
3. Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match – RAW Women’s Title: Bayley [c] vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Nia Jax
This surpassed my expectations; I know they’ve all got talent and were ready to shine at Mania but it’s been a rough road getting here, even with the random great Charlotte/Sasha or Charlotte/Bayley match. Total bummer on the tube men entrance being mis-timed. Sasha’s entrance was big time though. This was ideal 4-way stuff… the action flowed well, the big spots were timed right, the crowd was digging it, and they protected young Nia by treating her like a monster. Loved the triple pin spot – though can you imagine the pop if she kicked out? The boot by Charlotte into Bayley and Sasha suplexing Nia on her head was WILD. Charlotte’s corkscrew dive outside was SO perfect too, I mean holy shit what an athlete that lady is. Finish with Bayley/Sasha/Charlotte felt a little rushed, though Sasha ate that turnbuckle bump like a pro and I liked the payoff of Charlotte hitting the same turnbuckle leading to Bayley’s Macho Elbow finish. Probably could’ve used a nice Macho pose, but I get the need to show urgency. Good win for Bayley, but still had the stink of the bullshit they’ve done all year by blowing through Charlotte’s PPV streak and Bayley’s big win. Either way this was very good. ***1/4
Hall of Fame 2017 Inductees Presentation (DDP, The Rock & Roll Express, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, Teddy Long, Eric LeGrand, Beth Phoenix and Kurt Angle)
NO FINK!? WHERE WAS THE FINK!? C’MON!! Love how the Angle chanting hasn’t skipped a beat.
4. Fatal 4-Way Ladder Match – RAW Tag Team Title: Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson [c] vs. Cesaro & Sheamus vs. Enzo & Big Cass vs. The Hardy Boyz (return)
WRESTLE. FUCKING. MANIA. Like, New Day being added to the match would’ve been acceptable if not disappointing. I tried to temper my own expectations as they teased that: “That’s alright. This’ll be fun.” And then the drums hit. 1053 Ridge brother Josh’s wife lamented after this match: “I feel bad for your wives and girlfriends, because nothing they ever do will get a reaction like that.” I loved every single bit of this. The Hardy Boyz are back – perfect timing, setting, everything. This was a wild match, pretty compact at just over 10 minutes but a ton of fun, and everything just had the glow of the Hardys return rushing over it. The Hardys rocked their Greatest Hits, Cesaro and Sheamus did a Cesaro Swing/10 Beats spot, Cesaro hit a nasty uppercut on Enzo, there were ladder bumps galore, the crowd was going wild with the DELETE! chants, and to top it all off 40-year-old Jeff Hardy blew everybody’s minds by dropping a classic Swanton off a super tall ladder through a bunch of other ladders propped up on the floor. Pure joy, baby. No business like the wrestling business. ***1/2
5. John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse (Guest Ring Announcer: Al Roker)
Lawler really stunk on commentary but this was all it needed to be. Al Roker was a classic outsider ring announcer, just detached enough from the proceedings to make it fun but not embarrassing. The Miz basically squashed Cena while playing to the smarky crowd. Then, Cena and Nikki did a Cena Comeback for the win. It was a pretty basic John Cena match with all the extra pomp and circumstance to make it more fun than usual. And then John Cena proposed to Stephanie Nicole Garcia-Colace and I sat with five other men just drenched in EMOTION. No. Business. Like. The. Wrestling. Business. ***
6. Unsanctioned Match: Seth Rollins vs. Triple H
Pretty sweet entrance for The Game. Rollins’ was pretty cool too, though I sense it didn’t come off as perfect as they probably wanted it. This had a good start, a good finish, but not a very engaging middle. Another Triple H match that went long for the sake of being long, and never really felt like the violent brawl or father vs. son match it needed to be. The even exchanges at the start were solid wrestling, maybe not the solid wrestling you’d want from this feud but solid wrestling nonetheless. Then, Triple H went for the knee, and Seth Rollins sold that knee. It was OK. The clothesline bump was killer, at least. Rollins’ comeback was solid and the Pedigree counters were pretty awesome. Steph’s table bump and the Phoenix splash made for an awesome finish. I really liked parts of this, I was also kind of bored with parts of it too. ***1/4
7. WWE World Title: Bray Wyatt [c] vs. Randy Orton
A solid though disappointing match bound to be remembered for nothing but the maggot projection stuff. Pretty flat match but both guys had their working boots on in brief spurts before the parlor tricks started. Wyatt continues his gimmick as the world’s creepiest AV dork. A nice enough way to have some variety I guess, but not much of this clicked with me. Wyatt’s crossbody was neat, but his crossbody is always neat. It was at this point in the show that the length started to hurt, and a match worked around a projector wasn’t an ideal way to help that. But, like, also: where else can you see a digital snake follow a professional wrestler down to a wrestling ring, you know? **1/2
8. WWE Universal Title: Goldberg [c] vs. Brock Lesnar w/ Paul Heyman
What a sweet fucking match, like an ideal action movie fight. It was laid out perfectly for who these two are, so perfect that it made me wonder how the rest of these matches would’ve come off if they could be laid out for who their participants were versus an attempt at a Very Good Wrestling Match. A fight right from the bell, 10 German suplexes, big near falls, an amped up crowd – big time wrestling. The leapfrog over the spear was insane. Brock’s back. ***3/4
9. Six-Pack Challenge – SmackDown Women’s Title: Alexa Bliss [c] vs. Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James vs. Naomi vs. Natalya vs. Carmella w/ James Ellsworth
Welp – everybody went at it and did their thing, it was a little clunky at points and they were in a tough spot but they got the Naomi entrance and the Naomi finish and that’s really all that matters. Not a big winner but a good moment. **1/4
10. No Holds Barred: The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
JR!!!
So here’s the thing about this match: as the final match to a lot of hours of wrestling, it wasn’t great. But as a thing so unique to the world of professional wrestling, I enjoyed it for what it was. It was a special meta type of match, with the legendary Undertaker no longer able to go, an old man who at the end of the day truly is a mortal – he, as many before him, can fuck up spots too. I didn’t love it in the moment, but I respect that it exists.
This was not a strong match and I’m not sure why Taker went for a straight WWE main event match as his final ride – guess he had to, what with the retirement and it being the main event. But I thought this could’ve been laid out more for who these two are rather than the aforementioned attempt at a Very Good Wrestling Match. Thought it needed more character work, staredowns, etc, and it’s not like they weren’t above taking shortcuts (it was No Holds Barred!). It was a good WWE Main Event Match brought down by some really glaring lost spots (the Tombstone drop, Taker not in place for the Superman). As a match, a main event, not great. As something to look back on – the sit-up and fall-down spot, Taker leaving his gear in the ring, the potential final breaths of The Undertaker – it was special. Just think there were a lot of better ways to go about this. ***
A few years from now might be a better time to look back on this and critique some missed opportunities, or where this took the company as a whole, but top-to-bottom this was an awesome show. It was a LONG show. But it was also like all good. Anything here as a standalone match not bogged down by a lengthy card and questionable layout was very good. Even if everything wasn’t perfect, it all delivered. No bullshit too, just wrestling. Maybe not the highest end of all in-ring wrestling, but for my money the highest end of all professional wrestling and sports entertainment. It was a great time with friends too – not many things on this planet that could cause such a visceral reaction as the Hardys running out or silly shit like AJ Styles doing the Shane-O-Mac dance or Kevin Owens’ finger save. Good wrestling, AJ Styles, the Hardys, the proposal, The Undertaker’s goodbye – this was a big deal of a wrestling show and I dug the hell out of it. 9/10
