Freakin’ sports entertainment, man. The sheer audacity of the world we live in that Kevin Owens and Samoa Joe are teaming up on Monday Night RAW and Austin Aries is squashing fools and pointing at a WrestleMania sign and Goldberg is here and the ropes turn purple sometimes. A commercial Monday night about bodybuilding supplements followed by one about food you want to fuck was just peak WWE advertising too. And Big Show squashed Titus O’Neil to plug a Jetsons movie, I just love World Wrestling Entertainment.
RAW (3/13/17)
RAW hit all the notes it needed to hit WrestleMania-wise and stuff got built – most of it just wasn’t very interesting around that. Gotta do it with some style, man – it’s WrestleMania season don’t slack on me now WWE. But the highlights were strong, with a world-class performance by Roman Reigns, Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens looking like a couple of badasses, and an absolutely top shelf closing angle that gave a struggling feud a serious kick in the ass.
Goldberg/Brock got built. Paul Heyman did a Paul Heyman promo – nice line with “that’s my way of telling you who chant Goldberg – shut the hell up, OK?”
The Women’s 3-Way got built. The Bayley/Sasha Best Friends Angle continues to be crap but there was some decent stuff here… Sasha beat Dana Brooke in a pretty crap minute-long match and then Dana Brooke somehow became a super over babyface by finally attacking Charlotte. There were light DA-NA CHANTS! THEY DID IT!! Nia Jax vs. Bayley was fine in that those two just have a great dynamic, nothing extra special here but like most of the show it hit the notes it needed to. Bayley sell, Nia throw.
The cruiserweights did stuff. TJ/Tozawa vs. Kendrick/Nese was completely decent, completely 205 Live. In a vacuum they’re OK but so many lifeless matches can’t be doing any good for anybody long-term. Highlight of the match was Cole flubbing and calling TJ THE FLIP FLAP FLASH!!!! Run with that, guys. Oh and how kind of WWE to promote Neville vs. Aries with a video package before the 5-way #1 contender match tomorrow. Aries getting a pop not just for the theme but for him entering – the mythical DOUBLE POP – is incredible. Aries looked good vs. Daivari, match was a better showcase than the Nese match from 205 Live. It completely blows my mind that Austin Aries is doing Austin Aries stuff in hour 3 of Monday Night RAW. Scary backdrop aside, that was a fun performance.
The 3-way Tag Team Title match got built. Gallows is rocking an absolutely fantastic goatee, I hope he is oiling that sucker and really taking care. They did a decent job hyping up the #1 Contender’s Match and it somehow felt like a big deal when the bell rang. Match wasn’t much though… Enzo & Cass have a formula, and after awhile you gotta work around that formula and do something a little more interesting. They haven’t done it yet. So their matches at best can be pretty good, but can’t see them ever being great. Sheamus and Cesaro looked fine in there, but they didn’t do anything out of the ordinary either. This was 90% of an Enzo & Cass formula match and then Gallows and Anderson attacked Cass and Sheamus. The champs interfering finish is so dumb and uncreative… I mean c’mon. Gallows & Anderson as jocks who are so dumb that they don’t realize the WWE trope is that you’re going to get a 3-way and not no challengers is something, but I don’t think they’re thinking that far ahead. That beatdown on both teams was mighty fine though.
Owens vs. Jericho got built. Dug the Owens promo… the big “Y2J” chant at the start is a sign of something working. Promo was filmed really well, nice camera shot with Owens shrouded in darkness with the exception of the big-ass WrestleMania sign. Liked the “Who needs best friends when you’ve got a Destroyer?” line. I really hope they follow through with this Joe/Owens stable thing, as this is a very cool subtle build to these guys as an official tandem – Michaels and Triple H were just on-screen buddies before they were DX, after all.
Owens/Joe vs. Jericho/Zayn was starting to groove before it got cut short by the DQ. The fuck was Zayn just jabbing away at Samoa Joe for though? I am highly enjoying how seamlessly Joe has slid into the WWE roster. Signature spots, action that moves from one spot to the next – tremendous. Owens with the COME ON, BAY-BAY PIN! was great. Good action here, just cut short cuz STORYTELLING! Love Owens and Joe as a team, them double teaming and putting the boots to Jericho was a blast. “We Want Balor” chants – ha. Jericho going back to his catchphrases for the promo later in the show was great – IT, List of Jericho, calling an interviewer by his wrong name. Gotta put some steam on this kid, WrestleMania’s coming.
New Day as WrestleMania hosts got built. New Day Talks (a New Day talk show)… yeah, in theory this is fine but I would like to not see this as a thing ever again. But, oh my god did Show look HUUUUGGE next to Woods. I like how Show is officially an attraction, getting walked out to the set with a woman on his arm and everything. Then he squashed Titus O’Neil. Yup.
Roman vs. Undertaker got built. I was ready to write-off this show as a show that had Roman Reigns vs. Jinder Mahal, but THIS WAS A SHOW THAT HAD ROMAN REIGNS VS. JINDER MAHAL. This was legitimately an incredible performance by Roman Reigns… they had a fun 30 seconds going before the gong hit, Reigns is the MASTER – look at how he wobbles in between Mahal’s elbows early on, or the aggression he has on those corner lariats. I really do believe Reigns is one of the only guys on the roster that can have a legitimately great match with Mahal. Then Mahal put all he freakin’ could into a beatdown for a minute and Reigns sold his ass off before finishing this chump off. This was a fun as hell TV match, like only 2 minutes long but we got the Undertaker gong, a good near fall for Jinder, and Roman ended it with not a finisher but a signature move. Perfection.
HBK showing up got a big ol’ pop out of me, what a surprise! Reigns’ gimmick of a spoiled brat who’s big push is getting to his head is GETTING INTERESTING. Or he is just supposed to be CONFIDENT CAUSE THE UNDERTAKER and it WON’T BE INTERESTING AT ALL. This was one of those RAW segments that did what it had to but wasn’t very compelling, and then BRAUN STROWMAN ATTACKED ROMAN REIGNS AND OH MY GOD. SWEET HOLY JESUS WAS THAT REIGNS BUMP ON THE RAMP FUCKING INCREDIBLE. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS IN AN EARTHQUAKE. AN ALL-TIME GREAT BUMP. THANK YOU STROWMAN CHANTS!!! Or were they THANK YOU ROMAN!? This was a great way of keeping Braun relevant and getting in the requisite HBK motivational Mania speech too, bravo.
Triple H vs. Seth Rollins got BUILT!!! Started off a little ugly with more Stephanie tormenting Mick and forcing him to fire somebody – everybody knows a boss does not derive power from their ability to fire, but their ability to motivate their employees to do the best they can. Shame on you, Steph. But then Foley actually got a little comeuppance by trying to fire Steph, just verbally eviscerating her and actually tying up some loose ends with the Triple H helping KO win the title stuff, and then out came Triple H. Good god can Triple H be a fantastic piece of shit heel. “You know why I spend so much time on the future? So I don’t have to look at has-beens like you anymore.” This thing got Foley OVER. FO-LEY CHANTS! “Unlike them, I don’t have to pretend to like you, Triple H.” Triple H and Foley shooting on each other in 2017 was way more compelling than I ever thought it would be. He mentioned Foley’s kids! He threatened to take DEWEY FOLEY TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Foley got to brawl again!! This was such a great way to put Triple H over HAAAARD as a heel, wish he could’ve done it off of Rollins but that is where we are in 2017. So good, that is how you use a part-timer who can’t go anymore.
And then Seth Rollins came out and I’m just gonna be honest I FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT FOR SETH ROLLINS GETTING PHYSICAL. I am a complete unashamed mark for an angle where an injured guy reveals he’s not injured anymore. Also, KINGSLAYER IS A PHENOMENAL NICKNAME. THEY ACTUALLY GOT ROLLINS OVER!!!! Rollins running the ropes just to prove a point as he took it to Triple H was awesome. And then JESUS did they amp it up a notch with Triple H just smashing the crutch over Rollins’ kneebrace. Stephanie screaming with joy as Triple H re-slaughtered Rollins’ knee was just Shakespearean stuff. What a way to end a RAW not with confusion or apathy, but just straight-up visceral EMOTIONS.
BRING IT TO THE TABLE (3/13/17)
Bring It To The Table Part 2 was a decent watch – JBL was more subdued and had some good points, and Graves wasn’t as over-the-top “I AM A VERY SMART BUSINESSMAN” as Heyman was on the last one. This is an interesting way for WWE to attempt to kind of control their narrative, with Graves deemed the one who plays to the smarks who think they know better. Him saying AJ/Shane does nothing for him on a WWE program was pretty wild. Thought Graves’ take on those who grew up in the Attitude Era running pop culture was interesting, though I don’t fully buy it. The Angle interview clips were cool too… seems like they’re leaning towards him being officially retired.
Oh and they discussed the Montreal Screwjob porno. So.
SMACKDOWN (3/14/17)
This was a solid SmackDown, and a solid SmackDown is good wrestling television. I didn’t come away from it as over-the-top flipping out as I have from SmackDown’s from months ago, and nothing got me as good as the Triple H/Rollins angle on RAW did (or Reigns vs. Mahal, really), but top-to-bottom I still dug it. Styles vs. Shane got moving, Miz and Maryse again spit straight fire at Cena and Nikki, there were a couple solid women’s matches – and hey occasional SmackDown guest stars American Alpha got to main event.
AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon is something I am completely fine with and am genuinely excited for. It is a massive spot for AJ to be in – Orton vs. Wyatt might be for the title but this is essentially the headline match for SmackDown Live. Plus he’s facing Shane-O-Mac – though 2003-2004 Shane had diminishing returns, the last guy Shane faced was The Undertaker. It’s a big deal. And it’d be nice to have AJ tear it up on the big stage, but that just isn’t the way WWE or WrestleMania is built. There’s no time for a 25-minute AJ Styles classic when they have to fit every person on the roster onto the card. Would it be neat if things were different? If WWE’s wrestlers were built in a way where they could credibly face off in a big money wrestling match at the biggest show of the year? Yes, it definitely would be neat. But I would put money on Styles and Shane going crazy and by the end of Mania having one of the most-talked about matches on the show. It’s going to be a spectacle and that is what WWE excels at. We are blessed to have AJ Styles in the prime of his career just spitting out good match after good match every few weeks – let the man have some fun and get a big god damn paycheck carrying the boss’ boy in Orlando.
The big thread throughout the show was the setup for the AJ/Shane match and they did pretty good. Liked the commercial for SmackDown on RAW a lot actually – if I was watching typically stale RAW and saw Styles flipping out at Shane at the Gorilla Position I’d be all WTF IS GOING ON AT SMACKDOWN I GOTTA WATCH THAT MAN. Show started with an AJ promo saying he wanted a “conversation” with Shane McMahon – love fired up AJ Styles promos. Admitting and accepting his loss to Cena is great stuff – he can deal with that shit later, now he just wants a damn Mania match. Before every commercial they showed AJ waiting for that delinquent Shane McMahon to arrive to arena, and when he did AJ went to work and just straight-up attacked his ass. Yanno, in addition to being a great in-ring rasher AJ can do a hell of a backstage brawl – nice punches, great intensity. AJ put Shane through a car window! FINLAY SHOWED UP!!! SHANE IS CONCUSSED AND BLEEDING!!! BRYAN FIRED AJ!!!! Good angle to setup Shane coming out at the end and saying Styles now had a Mania match (although it was cut off on TV… this really needed Tom or JBL advertising follow-up on the Network, crowing about no TV time remaining… who is this on? Kidman? Should we be mad at Billy Kidman?). Also liked JBL hard-selling the “AJ Styles is the greatest performer of our generation” line – I mean WWE commentator hard-selling something can be rough, but it can be tolerable when it’s the truth.
A couple of really solid women’s matches on this show, the best in-ring stuff on Tuesday night. I’ve been really impressed with how well SmackDown has utilized their small(ish) women’s roster – building stars, having stories weave into the next, keeping things interesting and fresh. They ran two attack angles last week (Natalya on Becky, Mickie on Alexa), and they weren’t like HUGE deals but they were fun interesting things to keep things moving… and then they run the matches this week without feeling like they’re blowing anything off too quickly.
Liked Becky Lynch vs. Natalya a lot, it was one of those SmackDown TV matches that isn’t like, GREAT, or worth going out of your way to see, but it got the point across and at the end of the day that’s the entire damn point. Becky all fired up, Natalya talking shit, Becky selling, Becky comeback and win – boom. The top-rope Disarmer roll-through was SWEET! Mickie James vs. Alexa Bliss (god can WWE names for the ladies be stupid…) was a pretty solid TV match too, more than anything I just enjoy Alexa Bliss being all pissed off all the time. Alexa catching Mickie’s baseball slide and driving her head into the post was probably a better idea than it looked, but then Alexa just pulled Mickie’s legs and dropped her ass on the floor – YO. And then Carmella involved herself in this whole thing too… and oh my god it is true – James Ellsworth is getting a Mania entrance with Carmella. Or a Mania jobber entrance – either way this is happening people.
Kind of fascinated by John Cena hosting the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards and then kids watching SmackDown to see Maryse calling his girlfriend a bitch. MizTV with Miz and Maryse (!) hit everything it needed too: Miz interviewing Maryse like he’s a sleazy news reporter leading an old man into soundbites. Maryse shooting on Nikki. Nikki running out and before Cena could talk going NO, I’m going to talk. Loved the crowd here, reacting to Nikki making points and going YYEEAHHH! Daniel Bryan’s “punch you in the face” promo to announce the mixed tag was pretty low key awesome too. Not sure why Miz and Marye were angry about the announcement… what was their endgame, if not this match? This seems like a good move for the Mizanin Family.
Mojo Rawley vs. Dolph Ziggler happened and was more a match about the moments than anything – Mojo flicking chest sweat at his opponent is now a spot. Dolph got thrown over the top rope three times to I guess build the Andre Battle Royal… ohhhh Dolph, guy has to be crushing real-life but continues to falter any time he is on a television screen.
I really hope the amazingness of the Orton Wyatt run is not overshadowed by its’ abrupt end via arson. Did Bray Wyatt just rub ashes on himself? This was a decent enough promo but didn’t do much for me.
Hey! Baron Corbin wants the IC Title!
American Alpha vs. The Usos inexplicably main evented the show – a cold match to the sounds of We Want Angle chants is what happens when you do what SmackDown has done with the tag division. Totally solid work, totally dead match… just background noise for Shane McMahon stumbling around backstage. Only a main event in the sense that it wouldn’t have felt out of place on Main Event.
TALKING SMACK (3/14/17)
The LADIES got some love on this show, with a Mickie James interview turning into all 5 superstars currently in the WrestleMania SmackDown Women’s Title Match arguing with each other. Fun stuff here – BECKY IS READY TO FIGHT RENEE IF SHE HAS TO. Alexa’s “Shut up. The champ is here now.” Becky’s “Get these snakes out of my ring!” and everybody’s dumbfounded reactions. Natalya’s “Are you guys kicking us out? Because I’m not done talking” as Renee tried to move on. Nattie as Not Self-Aware Annoying Person might be her best work. Mickie seemed pretty outclassed with all these Performance Center-trained girls… you’ve got her out there with these gals who had hours and hours with Professor Dusty.
Daniel Bryan don’t like women be talking!! Bryan again broke protocol with his thoughts on The Miz’s promo style… “It’s the Donald Trump style of arguing – if you’re just louder you’ll win. Oh! Climate change is just a hoax by the Chinese! Right? It’s not real!” Y’know, being louder and cutting people off was kind of Cena’s game for a while, wasn’t it? Renee is also promoting the mixed tag as a SHOOT. Remember when Renee was feuding with Maryse? Good times.
Daniel Bryan Talking sign-offs are the best thing. Face-punching extravaganza! BIG HOG EXPLOSIONS!!!
Oh and should I be reading anything into Daniel Bryan kind of sort of growing his beard out?
205 LIVE (3/14/17)
Another perfectly decent and completely forgettable episode of 205 Live. These fellas need some SHINE on them, man. Might be worth integrating them with some heavyweights – make Nese a lackey for Ziggler or something, I don’t know. Enjoyed Aries’ “I’m a lot more than a ruggedly handsome face with a whole lot of witty jokes” line, at least.
If only for one night due to snow or possibly Machiavellian master Tom Phillips tinkering with a weather machine to prevent Mauro Ranallo from arriving to the arena, TOM & COREY WERE BACK ON COMMENTARY!
Show started with a decent enough Neville promo – Neville being such a successful universally disliked heel is an under-reported thing that is happening. Was happy to see Drew Gulak is not dead – like to think he disappeared and went undercover to investigate the judges who struck down the Muslim Ban. Solid stuff from him and Mustafa Ali, only 5 minutes long but they packed in a lot of what makes each interesting. Gulak’s roll-through sunset flip is incredible. Then Drew ranted from ringside post-match, saying there’s a problem with 205 Live – YES! DRAIN THE SWAMP, GULAK!!!
The Swann/Gallagher vs. Dar/Daivari was OK but kind of a bummer to watch – average beatdown, average hot tag. Is the angle that someone else is sending Alicia Fox gifts and Dar is taking credit? Why does WWE have to use subtlety on the show where nobody is over?
Spanky, Aries, Puma, Tozawa battling it out to face PAC… the American Dragon weeps for what could have been. My WORD at the Aries pop. This was a solid if not somewhat uninteresting 5-way elimination match – had some good action, neat exchanges, but never really felt like it clicked. Aries vs. TJ was pretty neat – Austin Aries does NOT approve of dabbing. How did Tony Nese work a bodyscissors into a 5-way Elimination Match??? Epic tope by Tozawa. Aries’ from the top to the floor was wild. They did a barricade spot with Nese driving Aries through it, which was a solid way of putting heat on Aries before the win. TJ tapped Nese, TJ got attacked, Tozawa saved but Kendrick took out Tozawa to make it a 3-way. Is a Tower of Doom spot just cue for This is Awesome now? If I’m booking I have Kendrick take out TJ and Aries shows up smiling ready to take on Kendrick, not a Triple Threat – guess that’s why I’m not booking. Aries’ sell of the Bully Choke was good shit. ARIES IS POINTING TO THE MANIA SIGN HOW DID WE GET TO THIS!?!?!?!?
NXT (3/15/17)
A man named Uriel Ealy has appeared two weeks in a row on WWE television. This is absolutely outrageous and should not be normalized. You might think I say this in jest – oh, funny guy, bein’ sarcastic – but I am not. This decision can be tied back to NXT’s faults for over a year now… the lack of creativity, the lack of effort, the unwillingness to re-brand. Stop embarrassing yourselves. Step it up.
“There is no Women’s Revolution – there is only Asuka.” Great line in that Asuka video package. Nikki Cross squash was OK… the endless neckbreakers was a good bit. Cross is the only person selling the SAnitY gimmick, full-on schizophrenic scary meth-head – way to go. For a moment there in that Performance Center segment I thought we were doing an Almas vs. Ho Ho feud which doesn’t sound great but did hearken back to the days when NXT at least tried shit. Almas vs. Oney was good on the Osaka show last year, at least.
Kassius Ohno vs. Bobby Roode for the NXT Title was fine. Not the most exciting return for Ohno, really… this felt less like a Nakamura or Owens coming in and more like an Apollo Crews coming in. Did like bits and pieces of this, it was a good solid match. Ohno’s strikes have always been his strong suit and he threw some great ones here. Liked him out-wrestling Roode early on. Roode’s beatdown was perfectly solid but not super compelling, especially with him just doing standard stomp/chinlock stuff on a guy who just returned to the company. Ohno getting some near falls followed by a Glorious DDT for the clean finish was a very fitting end to a completely solid but underwhelming match. Welcome back, KASS.
MAIN EVENT (3/15/17)
Main Event at this point is televised dark matches. WWE seems kinda’ stuck – it usually has a cruiserweight match and a Bo Dallas or Jinder Mahal match – when the cruiserweights already have 205 Live and you’ve got plenty of decent guys on SmackDown Live starved for TV time. Seems bad.
Bo Dallas vs. Curtis Axel is 5-minutes of a match that really just got me thinking whether or not these two have a job to open the show with something ultra-basic OR if they just have not improved after a decade of WWF developmental training and WWF nothing matches.
Jack Gallagher vs. Noam Dar was a bunch of eh. They totally flub Dar taking over from Alicia Fox interference – as Jack steps through the ropes, Dar hits a dropkick that Gallagher totally ignores, so Dar has to punch him and throw him outside to a disapproving crowd. Dar is kind of a pro milking it though. Jack does his shtick but it kind of feels rushed. More interesting than your average Main Event match, but eh.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Reigns vs. Mahal man. Tell me one match that accomplished more this week. ONE MATCH. Roode/Ohno??? Are you kidding me!?
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Roman Reigns got a good match out of Mahal, squared off with Shawn Michaels, and took an all-time bump for Braun Strowman. This man is the truth. Can’t wait for him and Taker to meet up backstage in Orlando –
“What d’ya wanna do, Take?”
“Take me for a ride, kid.”
Not a GREAT week of WWE TV, but there was some good stuff – WrestleMania season is more about the angles than the matches. Triple H/Rollins, Styles/Shane, The Cenas vs. The Mizanins, and the Reigns saga were all good stuff and I am positively hyped for WrestleMania 33, even if the stuff surrounding those angles wasn’t amazing. 205 Live and NXT were kinda crap, but Mania’s in 2 weeks – it’s time for the big dogs to do their thing.
RAW: 7/10
SmackDown: 6/10
205 Live: 4/10
NXT: 4/10
