VROOOOOOM
Not great, Bob.
A few good matches surrounded by a sleepy brand and bad layout, with everything brought another few notches down by a truly criminal decision on the Women’s Title match, Mick Foley hijinks BS, and blatant time-killing with the Jinder, Rusev and New Day stuff. If this website was funded by the Kremlin I’d be saying, Sad!
Stupid layout here – every match outside of the main event was like 90% a heel beatdown, which is classic wrestling stuff but more glaring than usual when it was just one after another.
Kickoff Show was acceptable but in retrospect not a great start, highlighted by them actually acknowledging Tom Phillips being a fuck face. That Jinder/Rusev break-up felt more sudden than Wyatt/Orton. Liked that they just shat on the idea of Jinder & Rusev having a Best of 7 Series – as did every one I watched with, of course – and both of them were like “yeah that sounds right.” Joe Q&A was fine, he continues to crush it mic-wise.
0. Rich Swann & Akira Tozawa vs. Brian Kendrick & Noam Dar w/ Alicia Fox
This had a fun run by Swann but otherwise not much to speak of… another cold formula 205 Live match, and exhibit A on why 205’s heel side needs a real kick in the ass. Swann & Tozawa is a fun team though, enjoyed Tozawa leaning on Swann’s dance at the end like they were best buds. *3/4
1. Sami Zayn vs. Samoa Joe
I have done a complete 180 on Joe’s theme music – it’s incredible in a big arena setting. This was a 10-minute squash that had enough cool stuff to keep it interesting. Liked Joe’s jabs, him blocking the armdrag, and that SWEEP. Zayn as per usual sold and bumped his heart out – he took the uranage in the corner as good as anybody. Impressive Blue Thunder Bomb too. Sweet decisive finish, effective stuff and the right match for Samoa Joe right now but a weird choice for a PPV opener. ***
2. RAW Tag Team Title: Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson [c] vs. Enzo & Big Cass
This was rock solid but the heel beatdown had me sleepy and this was the SECOND match. Enzo took some wild bumps here and Cass’ big boot remains phenomenal. It closed real nice as they effectively teased Enzo & Cass winning. Pretty good stuff with a long stretch of ehhhh. **1/2
Is this whole Foley thing gonna end with them just straight-up murdering Mick Foley? I don’t see where else it can go. Just the weirdest tone-deaf thing on a show filled with weird tone-deaf things.
German Commentator Tim Haber being bad at production cues strikes again!
3. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
This was laid out OK with the monster vs. underdog thing but neither is really good enough in that role to fully take advantage. Nia beatdown was OK and it did get pretty dang good for the finish… guillotine spot was really awkward but the reverse to the rear chinlock was cool. Liked the spot where Nia powered out of the Bank Statement, Sasha elbowed away at Nia’s head, then ran into Nia taking her down. Nia just shaking opponents should become a regular spot too. Couple decent parts but pretty weak overall. *3/4
4. Cesaro w/ Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal
I cannot confirm or deny that this match happened. What a strange choice this was… a cold 8-minute Jinder Mahal match after three decent but underwhelming matches. Stupid to sum up Cesaro’s career right now based on THIS match but here it is: Cesaro really is at his right place on the roster; it’s just that in the WWE guys at that place don’t get used very well. *
5. Big Show vs. Rusev w/ Lana
And then they did this too! On paper this is a fine match but a cold match after all that had just transpired was rough. There was some decent stuff here – Rusev was throwing some monster kicks and the build to that first chokeslam was tremendous, but yeesh. Total straightforward destruction for the finish – thanks a lot, Shaq! *3/4
6. WWE Cruiserweight Title: Neville [c] vs. Jack Gallagher
The first half of this wasn’t much but they closed this sucker strong. Both Neville and Jack really, really tried – these fuckers had to WORK to get that crowd back and they eventually did, which was really the most impressive thing on the show. Jack’s bumps here were completely batty – that German! The fall off the top! Jack’s headbutt and Neville having to pull out the Red Arrow were icing on the cake. This should’ve been the opener. ***1/4
The New Day Promo
This was a promo. Time-wasting on this show was just blatant; not many guys can overcome that feeling. Big E singing Orton’s theme, Xavier and Kofi saying E was drunk, Kofi skeeting on the ice cream truck… this felt like 1999 Chris Jericho bored with Monday Nitro and just doing whatever.
7. Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman
This thing was a blast, what a monstrous performance by Braun and at this point Roman is reliably great – I love how he sells everything like he’s just been in a car crash. Was really the only match on the show that had a little JUICE to it. Despite the loss this was a match designed to make Braun a star: big spots, big bumps, and dude went to the top rope. Braun’s screaming is a hoot, and guy is just a physical bastard that hits all his big spots with gusto. That corner shoulder bump was amazing, as were the 2 over-the-top-rope bumps and that final turnbuckle post bump – what a beast. Powerslam through the table was wild, just a classic WWE PPV spot. Roman sold his ass off, flying all over the place. His reaction to the spear kickout was great too. Finish was awesome… two Superman punches have Braun fall into the ropes, they do some rope-running that you think will be a spear and then BOOM Braun takes Roman out. THEN Braun tries a TOP ROPE SPLASH, misses, and loses to the spear. This was really good. ***1/2
8. RAW Women’s Title: Charlotte [c] vs. Bayley
This was the first quarter of a good match and then what in the hell. Smooth work, lots of counters and fights for control, Charlotte looking like a crazy woman with her hair covering her face. Then they went to a Charlotte beatdown with some Bayley comebacks peppered in, and it was fine if not unimpressive after seven matches that had the exact same formula. Bayley’s flub on the corner elbow spot really killed their momentum and then they ran a clusterfuck of a finish leading to Charlotte’s PPV streak ending and just fuck you, fuck all of you. A stupid decision and it was mostly botched on top of that. Far be it from me to get angry over pro wrestling but this was dumb. Watching them screw up Bayley in real-time has been incredible. **
9. WWE Universal Title: Kevin Owens [c] vs. Goldberg
I mean what else did anybody expect? Decent stall job by KO. Jericho! Spear! Jackhammer! This was basically an early-90s Hulk Hogan match, you know what’s coming but you still wish they put a little more sugar on it. *
There were some good matches here, but good matches that would’ve helped pad out an already good show – standing on their own, they were dragged down by the black hole of suck that surrounded them. Most of the matches were so uninteresting that my mind turned to other things, like how extra nerdy Byron was all night and if Owens is happy that he lost the strap and had to go to Wal-Mart in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago the next morning for an autograph signing. I bet he’s happy. I bet he’s fine with all of it. 3/10
Oh and RAW Talk was an awkward mess of a show. Wow. It was very bad. King was a creep and Bayley and Sasha are a show away from just giving up and saying YOLO.
