Let’s start with an exchange from the Oscar-award winning Moonlight:
Juan: I saw your mama last night.
Little: I hate her.
Juan: I bet you do.
[pause]
Juan: Hated mine too.
[pause]
Juan: Miss her like hell now. All I’m gonna say about that.
Outside of a few things the wrestling kind of sucked this week, but I can’t wait to be sitting back with it Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday night.
As long as The Miz and Big Match John are around, Braun continues to Braun, Jericho prepares his revenge, fresh things like Samoa Joe and Akira Tozawa are popping up, and an off-week for WWE still features AJ Styles vs. Luke Harper and Samoa Joe vs. Cesaro… despite some incredibly disappointing choices, I think things are gonna be OK.
As Little’s mama Paula said, “You ain’t got to love me, but you gonna know that I love you.”
RAW (2/27/17)
This was an abject failure of the longest running weekly episodic television show in history. Nothing was clicking, the matches weren’t even “RAW OK” they were just straight-up mediocre, and worst of all the crowd was just eerily silent the entire night. Goldberg’s promo didn’t get over, the Oscars jokes were forced and lame, Mick Foley got wrecked again in a mean-spirited and dumb way, the Sasha/Bayley stuff continues to be a buzzkill, the big Seth Rollins return interview and Triple H confrontation was more awkward and anything, Big Show and Sheamus squashed dudes like it was 2011, and there was a god damn Baha Men reference. Just not a good night for the World Wrestling Federation. Tozawa, Samoa Joe’s promos, and Roman’s head breaking the ring were highlights.
Goldberg/Owens showdown wasn’t terrible but kind of a dead segment… the Goldberg chants were there, KO was OK, but was just one of those WWE things where they talk because they have to talk. Cole dropping Goldberg as looking to have “the greatest comeback in WrestleMania history” and Goldberg promising he’s winning has now fully convinced this naive fella that Goldberg will be winning.
Absolutely petrified to see how they kill time with New Day with a month to go for Mania. Is the payoff here legitimate ice cream bars? Is this just one long product launch? If so, from a product management perspective they have done a wonderful job but from a pro wrestling perspective my insides hurt.
I don’t know what to say about Jinder Mahal. Like, I bet he’s a good brother – a great brother, even. And he’s here to do a job, be an enhancement guy. But he really does not do one single thing of note that makes me appreciate him outside of thousands and thousands of professional wrestlers. No unique sellling, signature move or bump, facial expression, special spot… just NOTHING. New Day vs. Rusev/Jinder had Rusev dishing out a fun beating, a great Big E hot tag… a solid match with dead characters.
This show featured a wonderful blue dress shirt on Samoa Joe, just a spectacular shade of turquoise blue. Loved his promo work all show, from him being a dick during all his backstage stuff – saying bro, asking Foley how he’s doing after he got bodied by Steph – to the passion he showed before the Zayn bit.
Astounded at the pointlessness of the Steph/Foley stuff. Just mean-spirited and so tone deaf. I’m all for someone in wrestling being a meanie but WTF is the payoff here? Bizarre and unappealing across the board.
Tozawa has had some of the most fun initial squashes in a while, there was Braun last year and before that I dunno – I guess Ryback. But these are fun because it isn’t the same old big guy beating up little guy shtick, it’s a charismatic little guy showing off all his stuff. Great senton, AMAZING head-first tope. His face-first bump was neat too. Has WWE directed him to say YAAA vs. HAW? I can’t tell but I think I approve.
Pros about Charlotte: Athletic ability, quick learner, real heel, incredible big match wrestler. Cons about Charlotte: Not confident enough to tell the writer folk to fuck off with their bad scripts. Vanilla Ice? Baha Men?? C’mon guys, do better. Tag match with her & Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks & Bayley was no good… Sasha and Bayley both seemed a step off and though it was super formula nothing clicked.
Backstage stuff with Sasha & Bayley was silly too – just bad, lazy, dumb – Sasha’s rise with the BFFs and Bayley becoming more and more confident on NXT was such great stuff, and here they are just doing crap that can’t possibly connect with anybody. The choices made around this women’s division are so depressing… everyone’s over-exposed, no one’s got buzz, they do Big Moments really well but everything around it is classic tone-deaf pro wrestling brought to you by the same people who get their rocks off seeing Stephanie McMahon yell at Mick Foley.
Oh man Gallows & Anderson do a thing at their entrance now! Gallows vs. Big Cass was an OK 3-minute sprint, a couple of tall fellas going at it complete with a big Gallows bump off Cass’ big boot. Enzo again proves himself to be a tremendous second. Tag division remains weak but this lasted only a few minutes so wasn’t offensive.
I feel like Titus O’Neil has been getting written out of the territory for five years. A few seconds of a match on RAW complete with a pop is probably better than a dead five minute match on RAW, but this was just a thing that happened.
That the Seth Rollins/Triple H confrontation didn’t feel like a big deal is pretty rough considering this has been a feud built up for almost 3 years. More tone-deaf stuff – Rollins isn’t super over because there’s been no effort to make him likable, and unless they get their shit together this might be another trudge towards Mania ala last year with Triple H/Reigns.
Big Show squashed The Shining Stars, didn’t he?
The cruiserweights tried to tell a story – there’s a title match coming up! Dissension among the ranks! OK.
Samoa Joe vs. Cesaro (WHAT? THIS HAPPENED ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW?) was short but good stuff. Tight, to the point – told a nice story with everything based around Cesaro’s knee tweaking… couldn’t make the comeback, couldn’t do the springboard which led to the finish. Tremendous promo by Joe post-match, I always used to crap on Joe’s promos as he did that wrestler thing where he tried way too hard to be intense but combined that with him being a big fat fella so he took big breaths between every line and it all felt super weird. But this Samoa Joe is a composed, confident, angry man and I am really digging it so far. Fun brawl with Sami Zayn afterwards and a neat mirror from 2 weeks ago when Joe attacked Zayn on the ramp.
Braun vs. Roman is going to be a blast but this is another Roman feud where the only way anyone wants to build things up is just have them brawl a lot before the actual match. I swear, watch Roman/Braun not even happen on Sunday. Gotta protect the business, or some shit.
LAME.
SMACKDOWN (2/28/17)
This was the first SmackDown in a while I wasn’t over the moon for, though it still gave us MizTV with Big Match John and a good Styles/Harper match.
This is a brand with a small roster that runs through a lot of potential top feuds very fast, which keeps things exciting but maybe doesn’t benefit long-term. RAW meanwhile plays the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG game with most stuff to the point when they’re blown off it doesn’t feel very exciting, usually because the presentation is shit and stuff has been repeated like ten times. SmackDown tries to give their stuff more hooks and most importantly, moves on. I don’t know if THIS Ambrose vs. THIS Styles is intriguing in six months but I enjoyed it for the couple months it lasted. And Mania truly does feel like the blowoff to everything they have been doing, including building up Miz and Corbin and Alexa as major players, and it’s a blast seeing it come to fruition. And then they can blow everything up with a brand split and do it all over again, yeah?
The Miz/John Cena MizTV was a fantastic bit of professional wrestling promo work, just INCREDIBLE. Miz cuts his own personal pipebomb on Cena, calling out his pull and going to hollywood. The Miz’ ability to speak truth, turn the “antiestablishment minority” on Cena, and STILL come off as a weasly bastard is amazing. Then John just bodies Miz, calling him out for ripping off other wrestlers and straight-up saying he’d rather be working Undertaker at Mania. The crowd was reacting like they were watching the most intense rap battle of all-time – OOOOHHH! Someone should send this to local hermit CM Punk so he can be all PREAAACH, THE BOTH OF YOUSE! You get so used to stodgy old WWE that when they switch it up and do something unexpected (i.e.: even dare mentioning Cena/Taker) it’s such a WHOAAAA HOLY SHIT moment. And then Maryse questioned Cena’s cock size and Nikki Bella ran out and was all IF YOU MESS WITH MY MAN I’M GONNA BREAK YOU BITCH because WE GO TO THE TRAILER PARK ON TUESDAY NIGHTS. Just so much that is glorious about pro wrestling.
SO many great lines here too, I tried to capture my favorites:
“And now? We can’t see you, John.”
“You’re a parody of your former self, and your former self was a joke.”
“You’re not Super Cena anymore – you’re barely Decent Cena.”
“If I was really this black arts manipulator, pulling all the strings, this close to WrestleMania… you think that I would be standing in the ring toe-to-toe, face-to-face, with YOU?”
“You’re a dude named Mike who shortened his last name on the Real World, tried to bootleg The Rock’s electricity to get put in the WWE… and then, when you got here – you straight-up stole Chris Jericho’s personality.”
“Ya stole Ric Flair’s figure-four leglock, ya stole Daniel Bryan’s offense and his personality, you’ve been reduced to stealing what AJ Styles’ been saying for the past six months.”
“You’re a dude, dressed up as a dude, playin another dude.”
“You’re not The Undertaker, but if you press me again – you’re a deadman.”
Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James 2/3 Falls was laid out OK but handicapped by the 2/3 gimmick and commercials. Liked bits of it, but one of those 2/3 falls matches where the falls feel way too sudden and there was no creativity to get around it. For shame, SmackDown.
Luke Harper vs. AJ Styles had some cooool stuff and was fun while it lasted, but it is a god damned crime it was under 10 minutes. This was based around Harper showing off what an athletic beast he is and AJ being the absolute freak he has been for a while. Liked the early stuff, with Harper propping AJ up top, AJ applying the headlock and screaming “GOT EM!” and Harper lifting him up to chuckles from the crowd – wrestling needs more of that. Lots of good stuff here – Harper’s big dropkick, slingshot senton, tope, Dragon suplex, and sit-out powerbomb, AJ bumping on all of that like a true master and doing his own cool shit like the pele from the outside and springboard 450. Finish was super abbreviated and awkward but WE’RE TELLING STORIES BABY! Styles hits the Phenomenal Forearm for a 3-count with Luke’s foot on the rope – which would’ve been an AWESOME near fall – Shane restarts, AJ argues with Shane, Harper kicks Shane down by mistake, and AJ posts him and hits the springboard 450 for the finish.
I dunno. Feels like they called an audible somewhere in this whole Wyatt Family/Mania main event story. SmackDown can be predictable but in a good way… it’s wrestling fan who knows too much for their own good predictable, where you’re just happy everything makes sense. So this was surprising, and not in a good way but more a confusing way. But alright, if Harp ain’t main eventing Mania – you bastards better make him a god damn destroyer all summer because the build-up of him has been way too good to waste it. I guess Orton/Bray at each other’s throats is more interesting than Harper, Orton and Bray doing cute 3-way spots at Mania but I sure worked myself into a shoot on this one.
Oh my god Cena/Nikki vs. Carmella/Ellsworth is PERFECTION. This is what I absolutely demanded as soon as the Cena/Nikki vs. Miz/Maryse rumor got out there. “You can’t talk to my girl that’s a friend like that!”
Excellent, excellent Ambrose promo – Dean with a mic in hand ready to tear somebody up is a tremendous thing. A fine little exchange with Mr. Corbin.
Crews attacking Ziggler was a fine start to the Chairs Match and it moved at a good pace but the thing was under 5 minutes and there wasn’t much to it. The crotch on the chair was a solid finish. Poor Apollo. Poor SmackDown midcard.
And poor SmackDown tag division. WHERE WERE THE USOS????
The thought occurred to me during the Tom “FF” Phillips/JBL WWE Network hard sell where they awkwardly cut Mauro and Otunga out of the picture: have they decided on Tom Phillips as the business guy and Mauro as the match caller?
So Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt had their big angle. And it was… a super weird way to do it. The shot of Orton posing over the wreckage after he had burned down the Wyatt Family compound and Sister Abigail’s final resting place (WHAT) was great and the turn had to happen sometime, but… the fuck? The build-up was so good and then it just suddenly ended with a sub-B horror movie sketch. This was a good Orton promo and I do love that Orton burned a fucking house down but it all just felt so rushed. Like why was Orton even there? SmackDown pays attention to detail way too much to not have a segment last week where Bray said Randy was headed to the compound. Felt like the creative GENIUS of Vince McMahon fought his way into the SmackDown booking office. More intrigued to see if this takes Wyatt somewhere even more interesting, but…… ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SKEPTICAL.
TALKING SMACK (2/28/17)
Enjoyed the hard sell of uncertainty all show, especially that it seemed focused on the confusion over the WrestleMania main event rather than the fact that a top WWE superstar just committed arson. “I joined The Wyatt Family for two weeks, in no way shape or form did I consider arsony.” Oh and Bryan’s look when Nattie pitched her own show – good stuff.
205 LIVE (2/28/17)
A weak outing for 205 – 2 average matches and 2 average promos. Aries throwing to another video package for himself was probably the highlight. Lince did some pretty stuff vs. Noam Dar but match was more about Alicia Fox getting flowers than anything. I like the idea behind Kendrick/Tozawa, but the overall crappy presentation (replays! replays! replays!) and Kendrick not being over hurts it. Tozawa’s a superstar waiting to happen though.
Probably not a great thing I was at a loss for who could compete in the 6-man as the entrants came out, and I’m an obsessive geek about this stuff. 6-man was OK but a victim of nobody really being developed, a stilted formula match with a bunch of guys nobody is all that into. And what’s the motivation for this stupid Jack/Neville feud? I know Neville’s a jerk, but does Jack even want to be champ? Why are they fighting a bunch for essentially no reason? Is this Vince McMahon’s commentary on Brexit? Shit man. Weak.
NXT (3/1/17)
NXT had 2 good matches that were appreciated for their goodness, though not like ya have to go out of your way to see em either. Asuka vs. Peyton Royce for the NXT Women’s Title was rock solid – Peyton can work an arm OK and has a nice spin kick, so Asuka worked her shtick around that and it ended up pretty damn good. Lots of nice counters towards the end, best Peyton’s looked yet.
Enjoyed the Authors of Pain/#DIY tag titles match too… liked Ciampa being all I CAN TAKE YOU MOTHERFUCKER early and then taking a beatdown, which is something new. Johnny’s tope was sweet and the build for the finish was strong with some solid near falls before The Revival interference. The reverse of the double powerbombs to the dueling subs was awesome. And that Shatter Machine post-match on Author #1 was AWESOME.
Patrick Clark had himself a squash too and it was OK – like that he’s has just decided to hit REALLY HARD. See ya in like 2 months or something, Patrick – cuz NXT gonna NXT.
MAIN EVENT (3/1/17)
This show had the fifth Sin Cara vs. Bo Dallas match on Main Event – what a legacy. I think Cara wore a different bright color each time too; this is a man passionate about his outfits and punching out obnoxious jerks. Bo for his part seems to be working on a Wyatt-esque beard. This was like 5 minutes and alright – Cara does his flying and Bo’s an OK base and beatdown guy. Nice spot where Bo was seated, Cara went for a kick, Bo ducked and basically schoolboyed him through the bottom rope to the outside.
Other match was Gran Metalik vs. Ariya Daivari, and my word is Metalik an impressive feller – there’s just an extra notch of speed in everything he does. Hope he gets acquainted to the WWE though, as he’s clearly a graceful guy who’s still a little suspect of the WWE ropes – took that step-up outside dive right onto his ass at one point which scared everybody. This was decent, the novelty of Metalik is still there but match was still a lot of Daivari who is fine but completely unremarkable.
WWE TV Match of the Week: This was a rare average week for the in-ring stuff, which is funny because we still got a lot of solid wrestling. WWE in 2017, man. AJ Styles vs. Luke Harper was the best overall thing, even with the sudden and overthought finish.
WWE TV MVP of the Week: Samoa Joe and Tozawa deserve mentions for continuing to make an impact early in their main roster runs, but really let’s give it up for John Cena for absolutely tearing into The Miz and kickstarting what should be a hell of a run towards Mania. Big Match John in a Mixed Tag in 2017 is an incredible thing and it’s gonna work because he’s just on another level right now. Obviously Miz rules too but JESUS was Cena prepared to spit scalding hot fire on Tuesday night.
Not a great week but glad that that felt like an anomaly for 2017 vs. more of the same, let’s get through Fastlane and see what happens.
RAW: 2/10
SmackDown: 6/10
205 Live: 3/10
NXT: 6/10
