They did it.
They finally did it.
After three stinkers in a row attempting a four-hour extravaganza with an ungodly long 2-hour Kickoff show tacked on before it, the powers that be at the WWE finally did it. This was a great show, a total blast of a professional wrestling spectacular.
Thought Renee, HBK, Lawler, Rosenberg and Aries did alright bantering on the pre-show. Consistently impressed with Renee’s ability to remain sane stretching out conversation about the most meaningless things. I like how excited Pete Rosenberg seems to be there and fear for the day that his soul officially leaves his body.
Let us get one thing out of the way: whoever approved the unconscionably long entrance ramp is on the wrong side of history. Made for some hilarious moments like Kalisto running like he was up against a wind storm, but that was just ridiculous.
0. Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella & Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss, Mickie James & Natalya
The SmackDown ladies 6-man was in that odd spot of being a match happening while most of the crowd is still filing into a big building. They did okay. They got their shit in. Becky sold. Naomi got a pin on Alexa. It was a match. Did laugh at Mickie shuffling her way out of the entrance like she was doing some vaudeville act. **
0. Two Referees – RAW Tag Team Title: Sheamus & Cesaro [c] vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson
I will be honest: the crew I was with at 1053 Ridge HQ spent the first half of the Tag Titles match talking Trump. WHO ELSE IS OUTRAGED? THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT FUNNY. BAD STUFF IS HAPPENING AND EVERYBODY IS CONFUSED. This one really got moving post-commercial but was still just kind of cold. These are some big fellas squaring off and it’s never as fun as you think early, though it does usually pick up toward the end. Cesaro and Sheamus did some cool shit. Gallows again looked uncomfortably red. Cesaro sold a bit. They played up the 2 ref’s stip. The swinging DDT counter of the Magic Killer was awesome. That ref WENT FOR IT on that Brouge kick, and they managed to get the crowd towards the end. Legit shocked at Gallows & Anderson winning the straps. **1/2
0. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
For the 5 minutes it lasted, I really liked Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax. Just the best use of these two – Sasha bumps big, Nia throws bombs. Really liked the decisive win for Nia. **1/2
1. RAW Women’s Title: Charlote Flair [c] vs. Bayley
Charlotte vs. Bayley was GREAT. Just classic good guy/bad guy stuff. Charlotte was tremendous here, really bringing the viciousness – liked the flow of her driving Bayley’s head into the apron, kicking her into the steps and slamming her head on the mat, as well as that SLAP and the push to the outside from the top. All her selling of sheer glee as she kicked ass and determination as she fought back for control was great. Bayley meanwhile is just the most sympathetic wrestler and that stands out when she’s working more than a few minutes. Big time selling here, and her dive to the outside and the incredible Macho elbow drop were awesome. They had some big drama towards the end and got a lot out of the Figure-8. Natural Selection to the apron was a suitably big finish to end this. Ended a bit sudden to hit epic territory, but could’ve gotten there. An amazing open to the show too. For a first big match between these two, it was perfect. ***3/4
2. No DQ Match – WWE Universal Title: Kevin Owens [c] vs. Roman Reigns (Chris Jericho in a Shark Cage)
Just over the moon that Kevin Owens vs. Roman Reigns way exceeded expectations, a wild car crash type match that the crowd went nuts for. KO is at his best doing these types of matches, while Roman was just his consistently great self – throwing big shots, brawling, keeping things moving and the crowd buzzing, and just being athletic as all hell. He might be in an odd spot character-wise but the guy can work. Did you see this man leaping over the steps and hitting the Drive-By? Or how he used his strength to keep Owens up for the powerbomb through the commentator’s table? What a guy. Just a fun wacky prop-filled brawl of a match, and god damn did KO take some bumps – can’t believe he went through the Picasso-esque chair contraption, and then he took the big powerbomb through the table too. They got an AWESOME near fall off the brass knucks, KO ripping Stone Cold spots was tremendous, and BRRAUUUUNNN!!! Extra points for Funaki selling the terror when Reigns and KO came by him in the crowd. Had enough extra little touches to get it from “that was a ton of fun!” to “that was flat-out great.” ****
An upside-down 8! HILARIOUS!
3. WWE Cruiserweight Title: Rich Swann [c] vs. Neville
Rich Swann looks like a child wearing a man’s jacket. I dig me some focused angry Neville, but the cruiserweights had the clear calm-the-fuck-down match. Just one of those 205 Live matches where all I might remember is the chinlocks. Good for Neville though. **1/4
STU. THE TRUE HERO OF THIS SHOW WAS CAMERAMAN STU. LET’S GET TO WORK, STU. AND GET TO WORK HE DID, JUST SPRINTING DOWN THE AISLE TO FOLLOW BIG MATCH JOHN. INCREDIBLE. ASTOUNDING. GO STU!!!!
4. WWE Title: AJ Styles [c] vs. John Cena
I am sure a lot is going to be written about AJ Styles vs. John Cena. What I will say is this: it truly is a pleasure when you get to watch the two best professional wrestlers in the world having themselves a professional wrestling competition. Wrestling stories are scripted, the matches are pre-determined, but these two called that shit in the ring, hit so much impressive stuff, and turned this into the ultimate battle of two superheroes pulling out every trick they knew to win this match. AJ Styles and John Cena are so good at what they do. Everything clicks, everything is bigger, everything has credibility. I didn’t take notes because I was transfixed the entire time. They threw everything at each other. Motherfuckers were COUGHING. Cena got FRUSTRATED. Cena somehow became the guy who throws the best lariat in wrestling. Styles somehow became the guy who applies the best-looking STF in wrestling. The setup for the figure-4 was incredible. Cena’s Code Red was inhuman. Styles kicked out of the top rope AA, but another AA followed by a roll-through AA finally got him. I don’t know if I want to go full 5, but can understand anybody doing it. Cena’s emotion sold this; AJ’s athleticism made this. Sublime. ****3/4
5. Royal Rumble (Featuring: The Undertaker, Goldberg, Brock Lesnar, Dean Ambrose, Sami Zayn, Chris Jericho, The Miz, Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton, Luke Harper, Braun Strowman, Cesaro, Sheamus, Big E, Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, Baron Corbin, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, Rusev, Big Cass, Apollo Crews, Kalisto, Mojo Rawley, Gentleman Jack Gallagher, Mark Henry, Tye Dillinger, James Ellsworth, Enzo Amore, Roman Reigns)
Is it OK to have enjoyed the Rumble but still had some issues with it? Is that fine?? I had a blast with this one. It’s the god damn Royal Rumble. The anticipation of the countdown is enough for me. They used their main roster really effectively. It was really, really, really well laid out. But Reigns at #30 deflated me a bit. They didn’t milk some of the big showdowns for all they were worth – referenced Miz vs. Ambrose or Braun vs. Corbin, but didn’t get a ton out of them. Enzo’s long-ass promo to start things off was a little off-putting. Loved Braun tearing up the first half, but didn’t love him having no showdowns with the big dogs like Goldberg, Undertaker and Brock. Brock treating Dean like a chump again was kinda lame. There are a lot of ways to get to Reigns/Taker; not sure why they had to shoehorn it here. I mean they have to know half their fanbase is dorky enough to be counting down who’s left and wondering who #30 is, and having Reigns be that guy was kind of a bummer. I didn’t need a Joe or Balor, but Jeez – c’mon. Tye was awesome, but C’MON. IT’S THE RUMBLE. At least give me one shock. I always think every time they make a weird decision with Reigns that it’s setting up the heel turn and then it never happens, but maybe in meta-WWE land he’s already a heel anyways.
OTHERWISE. It was a ton of fun!!!! Oh my GOD. I loved it! It was legitimately incredibly impressively laid out – they weaved a lot of stories and feuds and callbacks together, got almost all the big showdowns you’d hope for, had some laughs and some “oh shit” moments. Things flowed well, it moved fast. There are TONS of great characters on this roster right now. So many highlights too. Kalisto looked great vs. everybody. Gallagher going over the top with the umbrella was epic. Braun shutting everything the fuck down was amazing. Jericho lurking outside was as fine a use of modern day Jericho as there is. Henry pulling an HBK and not having his feet touch the floor was impressive. Zayn vs. Braun! Show vs. Braun! TYE FUCKING DILLINGER – THEY ACTUALLY DID IT! ELLSWORTH VS. BRAUN!!!! Ambrose throwing in Ellsworth! Braun damn near murdering Jimmy Dream! Corbin eliminating Braun! Kofi Kingston as an absolutely insane person!!!! HARPER LAYING OUT BRAY! BROCK’S REIGN OF TERROR!! Goldberg does in Brock again! Roman eliminates Undertaker and STARES HIM DOWN. Randy winning is not the most exciting thing in the world but the old adage about Vince listening to the crowd is kind of right – nobody outside of Cena, Reigns and maybe AJ gets a crowd going like Randall. I assume Orton vs. Bray is the match, but assuming usually don’t do me no good.
The anticipation for the Rumble builds. The countdown envelopes you. You’re on the ride. #1, #2, #15, #22. As #30 comes out, the roller coaster slows. The excitement fades. You had a good time. It was the Royal Rumble. ***3/4
I loved all of it; the ending left me feeling a little flat. Sorry. Still love the professional wrestling. Still love World Wrestling Entertainment. Just wish they had more balls sometimes – and they have balls, but I wish those balls gave them few more progressive ideas that surprise vs. the “let’s see how much this will piss them off” kind of balls. Love Roman, but that was just kinda weird. Still though, 6 hours. And it was mostly great. That’s incredible. Thumbs way up. 9/10
