COME ON, RED BRAND. TIGHTEN YOUR SHIT UP.
This should just be SmackDown Week in Review cause you don’t need to read about one man’s crisis of faith every week.
Monday’s RAW was extra-special weird: almost every match was good or at least a perfectly fine TV performance taken down several notches because everything around it completely sucked.
RAW has just as many talented guys as SmackDown and barely anybody seems to overcome the bullshit around them them – an ungodly slow-paced show, garbage choices in the main event scene that the whole brand is based around, overexposure of basically everybody, no established midcard, an amazing women’s division they can’t seem to do well with outside of one feud, and just general over-thinking of way too much.
The brothers put in the effort but the system overseeing it left them in the dust. Does WWE once again imitate life? The rich get rich off the working class’ back. A brass ring is promised and never delivered. The workers are pitted against each other while those at the top continue to profit. Man. At least this universe has Braun Strowman and Luchadores.
And I think I figured out some of what could help RAW. Remember James Carville?? Keep It Simple, Stupid. I thought about what makes SmackDown so good and boiled it down to ten individual parts that I discuss below – it’s my SmackDown Stew. But I guess I should talk about RAW first.
I liked a lot of matches on RAW and still felt empty about the show – that I can make that statement goes to show that this was a very RAW-ey episode of RAW. There’s plenty of bitching on the Internet and sometimes it’s bitching to bitch but sometimes you are just watching buzz die down and a creative process completely fail in real-time. The Rusev vs. Enzo & Cass, New Day vs. Titus and women’s division was just bad television with conceivably hot acts. That wasn’t all there was on the show, but it put a dark cloud over what was generally an average show to begin with.
The matches, though. Seth Rollins vs. Braun Strowman was really good, that’s 2 for 2 for them. Seth’s stuff looks a lot better when he’s bouncing off a monster than working another geek as small as he is. Frog splash near fall was nice and thought they had some good big guy/small guy match chemistry. Enjoyed Rollins appearing to truly be Crossfit Jesus as he ascended the top rope for the plancha to the outside. Understandable shit TV finish. I am loving everything about Braun right now but I think he needs a new look – Guile with a plunging neckline will not play to the masses.
Jack Gallagher/Drew Gulak was a fine short TV match with the things I like about both guys – quirky Jack, angry Drew. A minute and 30 seconds of I Guess I’m Glad It’s Here.
Shawn Michaels, Rusev, Jinder Mahal, Lana and Enzo & Big Cass had themselves a segment that was pretty much a boring awkward mess but god damn did Rusev do his best to make that thing compelling. Michaels is fine on the mic, but plugging his Jesus movie and then his general vibe at like Jon Stewart Dancing with New Day levels was just not what you want to see Shawn Michaels do. Rusev though. Guy just seemed so loose and comfortable bantering around with HBK… the tease of the superkick was hilarious. Enzo and Cass were Enzo and Cass – funny, reliable, a little overexposed. I did think injured Enzo using the ropes to do the Enzo Dance was pretty inspired. The Jinder vs. Cass match was basically disgusting – both guys are fine, Jinder bumped big, Cass is a big feller – but the grossness and apathy around it just bogged it down into terrible territory. Got really mad at Paul Heyman as Jinder sank in a chinlock. “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THAT THIRD HOUR REVENUE MONEY????”
Neville vs. Lince Dorado was the best RAW squash since Braun Strowman killed the Mile-High Trio and before that I don’t even know. Adrian did not fuck around – hair over the face looking like a bad motherfucker, working the arm like he’s the American Dragon, and finishing Lince off by stretching him to death. The deadlift fireman’s carry was awesome and Lince got a sweet dive in too. Amazing. Fired up Swann throwing blows at Neville was great fun too. I loved everything about this.
I thought about ranting about the whole angle with the Will He or Won’t He Show Up thing with The Undertaker and the Foley Performance Review stuff and I just got tired. Lights out leading to the Steph intro was a great troll but why? Everything about this RAW Commissioner/GM stuff isn’t bad guy heat or even go-away heat it’s just crippling apathy heat. All in on the Rumble being promoted around part-time nostalgia acts vs. them being surprises, but for fuckssakes, Taker, stop fucking around with Steph and Foley.
I liked Sheamus vs. Luke Gallows… it was MANLY WRESTLING. It was GOOD. Sheamus’ willingness to still take crazy-ass bumps at this point in his career is appreciated… the fall off the top to the outside off of Gallows’ boot was wild. Just a short slug and suplex-fest, I liked it. Karl was solid on commentary with the “IN JAPAN…” shtick too.
The women’s thing… maan. There are so many ways to tell the story they are telling with the four main women on their roster and they went with THAT. Fuck. So forced, so lame – so many potentially important things like the next Charlotte/Sasha showdown or Jax attacking Charlotte in a throwaway bullshit backstage segment that looked bad on TV. The match was alright, Bayley is good at the selling, but what the fuck.
The New Day/Titus O’Neil keg run thing was an all-time bad segment. Everybody that decided to boycott WWE after and Roman Reigns won the Rumble is a coward for staying silent and not doing the same for this stupid thing.
Handicap Match with Reigns vs. Jericho and Owens was alright, mostly a beatdown on Reigns. Reigns continues to have more sheer buzz than most guys in his matches… he gets booed and is very very awkwardly positioned as the top face on RAW, but the people are reacting even as he is just face-in-peril for a while and that is tremendous. Jericho is the U.S. Champ – once again RAW gets to where they need to but in the stupidest possible way.
SmackDown meanwhile is just the best. I really would have to think if there has been a better six months of consistent wrestling television. It somehow meshes the quality things from both Big League Sports Entertainment Juggernaut WWE and the professional wrestling company it always has been.
Even shows where almost nothing happens are fun. That’s the wrestling dream, isn’t it? I think the code has been cracked, and so I present to you the SmackDown Stew.
1) A SECONDARY MAIN EVENT FEUD WAS MOVED FORWARD IN A FUN WAY
Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz continued to be a fun feud with both guys entering the Royal Rumble on Ambrose Asylum. Ambrose was so god damn cool here and Miz was per usual best professional wrestler on the planet. Enjoyed Miz making his Rumble announcement out to be the biggest announcement of all time. Short, sweet, and some real fun stuff like Ambrose handing back the Miz Participation Award, Maryse slapping Miz by mistake, Miz going after Ambrose, and Ambrose hitting the Deeds on Miz.
2) AN INTENSE BRAWL BUILT TO A FURTHER CONFRONTATION
Awesome, stupendous, phenomenal brawl between Nikki Bella and Natalya. THIS IS REAL PRO WRESTLING SHIT. THIS IS SMOKY MOUNTAIN MOTHERFUCKING WRESTLING.
3) A HEEL TURN WAS FOLLOWED UP ON AND 2 MIDCARDERS WERE IN FOCUS
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kalisto was a great little match. Liked Ziggler schooling Kalisto on the mat early and the stuff towards the end was really fast-paced and dramatic and fun. Plus there was a Let’s Go Ziggler/Lucha Lucha chant! Kalisto is always really good at this point. And then the aftermath, maaaan – Ziggler attacking Kalisto with a chair, attacking Crews. The shots of the terrified children were incredible. SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD.
4) EFFECTIVE INTERVIEWS
Alpha on the Wyatt’s, Cena on Corbin and AJ, Corbin on Cena… everything was pretty straightforward and about the god damned WRESTLING MATCH.
5) GREAT FUCKING TAG TEAM WRESTLING MATCH
I loved the Wyatt’s vs. American Alpha. With a proper finish it’s a high-end MOTY kinda match, as it ended up I just plain loved the damn thing. There was so much good stuff here from start to finish. Alpha suplexing and outwrestling the Wyatt’s early was great – the closest Alpha’s looked on the main roster to the Alpha that took on The Revival. Bray really doesn’t work a whole lot and seems injured like half the time but seeing him work a long thing here reminded me that he can be pretty good, and Orton is just the absolute best right now. Bray and Orton as a tag team is tremendous fun and they did an awesome DOUBLE face-in-peril beatdown here – just purposeful beautiful old school shit. Bray’s full-bodied lariat to Jordan off the Harper distraction, Randy just STEPPING on Gable to trap him and as well as helping Wyatt get momentum on the clothesline in the corner, plus Randy WRECKING Jordan dropping him on the top rope and hitting an amazing slingshot suplex on Gable. Jordan brought his usual fire while Gable stood out to me here with the big dive on Wyatt as he punched at Randy in the corner, his big “YAAAAH” with every dive he made (might as well say WEEEEE), and taking the shit out of the second rope DDT. Another pin for Gable on Orton – amazing. The Wyatt Family Drama is awesome too and making Harper appear to be a big time player. Great fucking work. All of you.
6) LITTLE TOUCHES
Video packages for the matches! Playing with the “Wrestler Walks to Ring Pre-Commercial” trope by having Nattie attack Nikki!! AJ’s music hitting as he’s talking backstage!!!
7) A HOOK FOR THE NEXT SHOW
Oh my god THERE IS A STEEL CAGE MATCH BETWEEN ALEXA BLISS AND BECKY LYNCH NEXT WEEK FOR THE SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP. There is a HOOK FOR EVERY FUCKING SHOW. Plus, Alexa went UNDERCOVER as La Luchadora to EARN HER TRUST. SIX STARS. SIX STARS!!!
8) A SILLY FUN C-STORY
Parts of the Carmella match weren’t pretty but it’s easy to forgive stuff like that when the show around it is so good and you get lines like “I haven’t bought a new suit since that time I was supposed to graduate high school” by Ellsworth. Love that Carmella’s entrance still gets a non-reaction but the people buzz for Ellsworth. This is all stupid fun that helps Carmella and makes use of the bizarre story device they have with Jimmy Dream. In other words very acceptable professional wrestling.
9) A SOLID MAIN EVENT THAT MOVED FORWARD THE PRIMARY MAIN EVENT FEUD
It’s not breaking news but John Cena is officially Hulk Hogan – he has a formula, and it might not blow ya away, but the crowd is HOT for it and it works every time. Cena matches at this point are really about how the other guy does, and young Baron did rock solid. Liked the punches to the head on the barricade and the bump into the stairs that he just WENT for. Plus overall he just looked like he belonged in there with Cena, even if the finish was your classic “WEEEE TIME FOR ME TO WIIIIIN” from Big Match John. The shot of the kid just FREAKING OUT for Cena winning was amazing.
10) THE CHAMP RUNS THE CAMP
Did you see AJ Styles on SmackDown? Yes you did. And he seemed like a star. A not-overexposed, exciting star. He doesn’t wrestle a ton on TV but is a part of every show in such a way that you don’t feel like you’re missing him. When he does wrestle, it’s usually not only tremendous but a big deal. I like KO, but the presentation of these two is night and day – they’re giving Big Kev the ball on RAW and putting him all over the show, but they need to stop doing that for any anchor of RAW, because it destroys a good thing.
So, in short: two main event feuds, a sweet tag match with some intrigue, a fresh character turn to flesh out the midcard, a main event women’s feud, an intense Jerry Springer kinda feud, and a silly feud to establish a character on the undercard and see if it sticks. Plus straightforward promos, a champ that seems like a star, a couple little touches and a hook for next week. Of course, this can always just explode next week, but I’m going enjoy the ride god damnit.
So it is done. THE CODE HAS BEEN CRACKED. GET TO WORK, RAW. GO GO GO GO GO!!!!
Talking Smack was pretty fun, though having Shane instead of Bryan made it more comatose than usual. Liked the Becky/Alexa promo (separation of them was neat and Alexa’s story of her treatment post-injury was amazing), serious Mojo explaining his history in the finance industry and with Big Gronkowski was awesome (I AM COMPELLED BY MOJO RAWLEY), and I guess Ziggler’s promo was OK – actually gave me some sociopathic kinda vibes, which could be interesting or could just be because Ziggler isn’t good at interview tone.
205 Live is still off a bit but things are starting to come together – Noam Dar of all people going from 0 to 200 in a matter of weeks shows that A) Noam Dar is a stud and B) Triple H will be lecturing everybody on a pre-TakeOver conference call in the near future about being patient, because just like the Women’s Revolution this got figured out. This week had what I thought was the best 205 Live match yet in Cedric Alexander vs. Noam Dar. They went like 15 minutes and it wasn’t the most exciting match in the world but everything was all sweaty and hurty and both guys’ sold their exhaustion really well and I liked it a lot. Everything here was physical as fuck – Cedric’s strikes in particular and that godforsaken baseball slide were extra crazy. Is the strikes looking good on Cedric or does Dar’s selling help? Is it both?? Wish I knew. I’m such a mark. Cedric going after the LIPS early was an amazing pick-up by commentary. The Alicia Fox finish worked weirdly well for TV though I bet it was the weirdest thing live.
Highly enjoying them using the solid rock solid Sean Maluta as a bridge for Tajiri and Kendrick. Kendrick vs. Maluta was a fine enhancement match; I liked Kendrick going into the bully choke immediately off the frog splash kickout. The Alicia break-up stuff was cringe-worthy; let’s move on. Despite Gallagher’s fantastic argyle socks I was ready to write off the Gallagher/Daivari Parley just another cut-and-paste WWE contract sighing and then HOLY SHIT was Gallagher going after Daivari fucking great. The turn from perfect gentleman to psychotic brawler was phenomenal.
I liked most of Tony Nese vs. Rich Swann, was a showcase for Nese more than anything which was fine and maybe a hair forgettable. Liked Swann’s insane Bret corner bump. I dunno. Swann taking Kendrick’s jacket is strange but any addition of a ring jacket is a good thing. Neville/Swann post-match stuff was good outside of Swann awkwardly making fun of Neville’s ears. Neville is a great fucking promo, a Geordie 2010 Chris Jericho who’s really really pissed off.
NXT was a good show this week with some decent forward movement to TakeOver: San Antonio, and of course the highlight of the third and probably final #DIY vs. Revival match. This was another classic, like a damn dissertation on tag team wrestling. In the end it might be a hair under the first 2 but it didn’t need to be as epic… it was the conclusion without the shock factor of how good the first two were, an incredible match in front of a smaller crowd. I just love watching these two teams wrestle.
So much to chew on here. Gargano vs. Dawson early was good stuff… everything flowed so well to the next thing and at the same time it consistently looked like a small good guy outsmarting a dastardly heel. Dawson is always great in these big matches… bigger bumps, wilder swings, great reactions when he’s outsmarted or trying to double team. Meat of the match was Gargano as face-in-peril and man is Johnny Wrestling SOOOO good at it. First off – THAT CHOP BLOCK! Revival is tremendous at a beatdown, tricking the ref and using double teams – you had Dawson’s straight right with the ref busy, both guys wailing away at Johnny in the corner, Dawson distracting the ref so Dash can attack the knee in the corner, Dawson sensing the Johnny hot tag and pouncing Johnny’s ass followed up by the shot to Ciampa and legdrop/backbreaker. There were some great hope spots for Johnny too – the inside cradle, throwing Dash into the post, Dash being a dick with the slaps and Johnny getting the enzuigiri, and finally the classic crawl-through by Johnny and Dawson diving over him into nothing.
Great hot tag work by Ciampa too, really enjoyed the back body drop to Dash over the German suplexes to Dawson. I liked how focused Ciampa was on this but also wish he took a second or two to REALLY ramp the crowd the fuck up. I dunno – pat Johnny’s knee, swing his arms around wildly… something, but that’s such a dorky nitpick. Dawson’s straight-up Stan Hansen LARIAT to complete the sunset flip was tremendous. The Hart Attack setup into the superkick and the Ciampa armbar was just a hair convoluted but completely awesome. And then you had Gargano just constantly selling the knee like it was wrecked on the comeback. Loved his crazy-ass tope followed by Ciampa diving full force into the timekeeper area. Match for me peaked with this incredible sequence towards the end – Dash pushes Gargano into the apron on the outside, jumps up on the apron to distract Ciampa, Ciampa swings and misses, Dawson tries a slingshot suplex, Ciampa lands behind him, Dawson goes behind, tries a rollup but Ciampa holds onto the ropes, Dash pulls Ciampa down onto the ropes to set up a DDT by Dawson for a near fall. I mean WOWWWW. And then THE REVIVAL HUGGED EACH OTHER AS #DIY FINISHED THEM OFF!!! This was incredible. Nice beatdown by AOP to setup the next thing too. NXT IS BACK, BAY-BEEE! Not really. But this was an amazing match.
Rest of the stuff was alright, better than normal since they have to do SOMETHING for San Antonio. The women’s division still isn’t very compelling but happy to see it go somewhere. Billie Kay and Peyton Royce had what wasn’t a very pretty squash match though I guess it got its’ point across. Not into the tweaker gimmick but know Nikki Cross has talent, and liked that they finally put a few gals over on Asuka. Asuka’s bit at the end with Regal – “Against who?” “ALL OF THEM” – was TREMENDOUS.
The Drifter squash was OK – he was aggressive and I dug Jonathan Cruz’ little run of offense. I dunno about Samson. Sometimes I think they have something, other times I think if he showed up 3 years ago he’s part of the Ascension. Andrade Almas vs. Oney Lorcan rocked. I don’t know how Oney works on RAW or SmackDown but he could very much become the next Dillinger type… the crowd is into him. Love any time he does his aggressive offense and the dropkick to stop the Almas ropes taunt was super cool. Almas continues to just kind of get by… pretty good, but it’s not like I’m all in on him vs. Roderick Strong. And for fuckssakes give Roddy some character development, guys. Come on! Wasn’t really into Tracksuit Nakamura having a sit-down interview… that kinda guy should only appear once in a while with all the pomp and circumstance he deserves.
Main Event was actually pretty solid and arguably had two Main Event Matches Worth Watching. Mustafa Ali vs. Brian Kendrick was decent for 5 minutes or so, with pretty interesting matwork and a wild botch by Mustafa where he tried to Ric Flair himself over the top rope and just fell on his head. Ali is a guy I like more every week and the crowd seems to be reacting to him in spite of little push, just like they did to Cedric Alexander before the brass decided he needed a girlfriend. Fun finish – Ali took an awesome backflip bump off a Kendrick dropkick leading to the Bully choke. The Shining Stars vs. Darren Young & Sin Cara was a rock solid effort too… Epico and Sin Cara tore it up, Young sold well and took a nice bump into the post, and Primo took an awesome bump into the corner, landing himself in a tree of woe with his mouth agape. Everything was pretty good but like everything involving these guys tough to care. Even on Main Event – the brothers worked hard; the system failed.
WWE TV Match of the Week: Tuesday night peaked for me with Orton & Wyatt vs. American Alpha and then #DIY and The Revival had another classic. Great week for tag team wrestling. Can we get The Wyatt’s vs. #DIY before Randy and Bray go their separate ways? Please?
WWE TV MVP of the Week: SmackDown was typically great, but Rusev really, really did some high-quality banter with Shawn Michaels. I mean The Revival and #DIY rocked it, Orton/Bray/Harper did some good stuff, Corbin went toe-to-toe with Cena… but Rusev called himself the Bulgarian George Clooney. So it’s Rusev. It was always going to be Rusev.
